I sent my WH a message saying that I can't fight for something that isn't there and according to him hasn't been there for a long time, so whatever he wants, D whatever, he can have. I told him that I had convinced myself that he was someone that he wasn't, but now my eyes are open and I can see clearly (I hope). I asked him to please just listen to me and don't call me because there is nothing to discuss. I just had to get all of that off of my chest to make myself feel better.

Of course he calls. He calls my phone repeatedly, then calls my girl's phone, which DD12 answers. He said he was only calling to talk to me and for her to ask me to puh-leeeaaassse (she sounded so cute saying it and said he told her to put that emphasis on it) call him back. But, I can't. I said what I had to say. I CAN'T fight for something that isn't there, I can only work on rebuilding my life without him in. Whatever happens, happens, but I'm not going to humiliate myself to him anymore.

Ayane - And what plan are you in?

LOL was going into Plan B, but he hasn't received my letter yet.

*sigh* I've been okay lately, but something triggered me and I'm an emotional f'ing wreck! I don't want to be like this.

I've been reading your posts - I felt the urge to chime in and also tell you to stay strong.

We're almost 5 months to the day after my FWW laid next to me in our bed and told me she loved the OM and no longer loved me or wanted to be with me.

Two days ago, lying in the same bed, she told me that "you are 10 times the man he is." Maybe she's still lying, but at least I feel a bit better now about our "bedtime conversations". Hang in there , we're all pulling for you! I'd never heard of "fog-speak" before, but I sure know what it sounds like now...

Thank you, Steveb, that does make me feel better. I'm glad that things are working well for you and I hope that they continue to do so. Fog speak is crazy, yeah. It makes me wonder if that is really what it is. I guess only time will tell....

WH should be reading my PBL letter any time now. I don't think that absence will make the heart grow fonder in regards to us but I can't do the whole talking a gazillion times a day about mundane crap anymore. I can't be just his friend right now. Things are too fresh. I think if I give myself a couple of months then yeah, maybe I can try, but not right now.

This is hard because I have so many things that I want to say, but I know that it's pointless to say them. I wish I could just turn off my brain sometimes like I can turn off the tv. My thoughts are just endless and most of the time I can't even sleep because of them. *sigh*

Hang in there. I completely understand the not being able to turn off your brain thing. I just took a Xanax and am hoping it will kick in soon so I can sleep. When I was where you are I relied on a glass of red wine to get me to sleep each night. That and snuggling with my little girl. I know you are pregnant so the wine is out, but really snuggling with my little helped slow the thoughts in my brain enough to at least fall asleep.

I agree with the others, I think your WH is going to come to his senses and want you back. And just so you know, I never thought my H would change like he has. It is almost funny now because it seems like he has become such a great husband and dad and I am the one who seems to be slipping.

Try to rest and talk to your OB about what is going on, maybe he will have some suggestions to help you rest.

Also, individual counseling is helping me alot, my H has been suggesting it to me for months and I resisted it saying that my problems were due to what has happened in our marriage and that if any more counseling was needed it was marriage counseling. I finally realized that I am married to a smart man and took his advice and the individual counseling is great. You might want to try it, it is really nice to talk to someone who is not a family member or friend, but is there to help you succeed in life.

I can feel the xanax kicking in, so off to bed for me.

You hang in there! No matter what happens you are strong and will always have your kids. Even when they are being obnoxious teenagers you know they will always love you.

Ok, first day of Plan B. Anyone notice how much you want to do something when you decide that you can't? I woke up this morning wanting to talk to my WH....ugh. Well, I guess I woke up this morning wanting to talk to my H, NOT WH. Then I start thinking and get terrified that he will find someone else to talk to (we were talking throughout the day) instead of me. But, I know that I have to detach with love and let go. He needs to see what life is like without me in it and I need to see what I can accomplish on my own.

It's scary though.

I haven't talked to my WH all day and it's weird. I do miss speaking with him *sigh*.


How do I get through these first few days of no contact?

I;m changing my phone numbers in the morning. If he can get on myspace and contact the OW, he can email me to let me know when he wants to see the girls.

You're doing great. I wish it was easier, but think of it as tough love, the only way to wean him off the drugs. Make sure you're taking care of yourself!

When in plan B you are supposed to have a person who handles the contact. Maybe his mom, since you get along good with her? He can tell her when he needs to contact the kids and she can call you. Or if you can't trust her not to give him your new number make someone else the contact person.

Hang in there.

He's called three times today and I haven't answered the phone. I also happened to see him when I was driving and he waved, all nonchalant and made a weird face (not at me but because of my non wave). It's very weird. When he called today, I know he was wanting to tell me about his school stuff (he had orientation and stuff today), but he needs to see that he can't come calling and telling me about his day if he is involved with someone else. *sigh* It's hard though. I WANT to know about his day and stuff like that. Oh well.

Other than that, pretty good day at work. Thank God for anti depressants!!!! I'm lonely though. I wish I had someone to talk to all the time and to go out with. My friends are married and have their own lives. I think having someone to do things with would help so much.

Just try to keep busy doing fun things with your girls. I meet other bored moms all the time when I take my daughter to her activities like the skating rink or the discovery museum. With three girls I'm sure you can keep busy. Learn to master the art of self distraction. I find that just being out of the house and away from my computer distracts me and I don't obsess over my thoughts as much.

He wants to talk to me about kids and stuff, but all I want to say first is; "Have you broken all ties with Heather?" then I will talk with him if he says yes. However, I don't think this will go over very well, so it's better if we don't speak.

DD12 has a choir concert tonight. I have a headache so bad and I just want to sleep! But, I can't miss it and if she does she gets a 0 for a grade. *sigh* DD5 is going to stay with my WH while we are at the concert. I told him that I DO NOT want to see him when I drop her off and pick her up.

I really hope you will stay very dark. An intermediary would be better, but if you must exchange kids and he tries to engage you in conversation, just refer him to your Plan B letter. Don't give him an Ayane fix.

Ayane,

1. Read the ideas on the Goddess thread. (you have to weed through some of the responses that don't necessarily belong on that thread)

2. Make a list of the ones that resonate with you.

3. Make a committment to do at least one of them a day for YOUR personal well-being.

I was directed to that site and it inspired me to remember what it takes to take care of me. That's what you need right now. No more worrying about him, do it one day at a time for you and build your strength.

((hugs))

Wow, I;m having a really bad time right now. I went to his parents to drop off clothing for DD5 (she is staying the night) and had DD10 and DD12 go in to give him the stuff. He comes out and wants to talk, but I kept my window up. He still says that the kids shouldn't be involved and that the OW had nothing to do with why our marriage is over. He made sure to say very loudly that it had nothing to do with her. of course, all of this upset me badly. I stupidly sent him a voicemail telling him that I sent that letter and asked him to stay out of my life for a reason. That there is nothing he can say to make things better so please stay away from me. I asked if he could show me that respect at least since he hasn't shown me any others. And of course that is the one that he will give me, the one that I want the least.

*sigh* I'm still very, very upset. I can't stop crying.

Ayane:

I think that's more fog babble.

My H and OW both have argued that she was not a part of our problem. My H said she was innocent and he had chased after her and kept the A going after she tried to break it off in July.
Then she claimed to be an innocent party who was pursued and was only human and lonely and that's why she kept the A going.
This is from two people who met on a sex site advertising for an intimate encounter (with no ties). I don't think they followed their own requests but both are completely responsible and OW was no innocent!!

Stay strong. You are following your plan in order to snap him out of his stupor. It's up to him now to come around.
As for your kids, I have always found honesty to be the best policy. You don't have to give them super details but kids are smart and they know something is wrong. You don't want them to think they did something wrong to cause this. My kids all know about their father's infidelity. DS13 tried to blame me for Dad leaving because he saw me crying and thought Dad got mad at me. I explained that Dad left because he has become confused with what he wants and being with me is not what he wants right now. My son asked if he had a girlfriend. gee..was he smart or what??

Thanks, H_a. Kids are very receptive to things, that's for sure. It's funny though that he wants to keep DD5 tonight, but didn't even ask about DD10 and DD12. I guess he wants to separate himself from them also. They aren't his biological children, but he has raised them the past 7 years. That hurts also. Of course, they don't want to stay with him, but he could have at least offered.