YIKES!

If their is an addiction problem, you need to go to Alanon. Just counseling alone won't help. In another post you said you were cold and angry toward hubby. Are you working on whatever caused that?

Another bout of lying so soon after the affair is not a good sign.

Supposedly, he is going to go to some AA meetings... I just worry that because he doesn't believe that he has a problem, he won't get anything out of it. I know that I should go, it's just a lot to process. Between work, school, kids and counseling, I'm running out of time to even think!

The hardest part about the lying is that I HAVE been working on me. I haven't done anything specifically for his benefit (although, it works out that way). I just understand that I need to work on myself and be a better person. Things were going great (so I thought!). We were getting along, spending time together and really re-connecting. Now, I feel like I'm back at square one. All of the feelings and emotions of first finding out are just as real as before. It's almost like the last several months didn't even happen.

I find myself obsessing about where he is and who he's with. Also, I can't seem to get her out of my head. I'm just feeling really discouraged.

If he doesn't think he has a problem then AA won't work for him. And if he is going to AA meetings, why would he be going to the bar? I'm really worried for you and your kids.

Alanon will teach you how to deal with it and still be happy.

And your are right, you are back at D-day again. He will need to show you he can be trusted by being TRUSTWORTHY.

Just remember that you can't rescue him or save him from himself. You don't have that kind of power.

One of the hallmarks of an addict is lying about it.

He just got caught in an affair and had contact with the OW on the day you gave birth, and already he is sneaking behind your back. Instead of thanking his lucky stars that you didn't throw him to the curb, he is continuing to march. Scarey.

Thank you for the advice... Although, you may have my thread mixed up with someone else. My children are school age and this is all very recent.

You are right about the lying. I am most concerned about that. Addictive behavior is difficult to combat. Getting rid of a drug could cause the same behavior to manifest in some other way and with something else. I am continuing counseling.

I wonder if this was a way to wake me up. Perhaps I was becoming too complacent during this time. I will definitely be setting much firmer boundaries. I pray that we will get through this, but I have already told him that I am not afraid to leave. I cannot allow him to drag me down...I have to think of my children (and myself). For now, I will be supportive. As for later, well, that depends on him...

Sorry, I DID get you mixed up.

How much and how often does he drink?

Have you asked him why he chose to do this behind your back?

Does he have a history of telling lies and doing what he pleases?

I have been a memeber of AA for 25 years and have seen many people come into meetings not knowing for sure if they have a problem. This is pretty common. Just getting him to some meetings is a great place to start and then let the members of AA work on him from there.
You cannot get your husband sober and neither can a counselor. He will need AA's help and You will need Al-Anon's help.

Working on recovery from an affair will be impossible until he gets sober......it just won't work!

Please read this link. Dr. Harley directly addresses this issue.

alcholic spouse article



This will happen every time your H lies to you again and shows he cannot be trusted. It's a vicious cycle. The Alcoholism will perpetuate the cycle.

Your H staying out all night is no small lie....it's HUGE! You have every right to be angry and you have every right to be done with him! You do have choices. Keep reading here and get to some Al-Anon meetings for YOU!

And Your right, you do need to protect yourself and your family.

I'm just curious, dazedmom, but was this a just a reference to a generalize "hope" or was it related to a faith in God?

Also, the thing you may also be dealing with is what is often called a "false recovery." The WS "takes advantage" of your forgiveness and willingness to stay married or never really ended the "wayward spouse" behaviors.

The "issue" at hand is "marital unfaithfulness." If he wants to behave as a single person, you may want to consider granting him his wish.

God bless.

Thank you all for the advice. I'll try to respond to each of the posts. My husband doesn't drink often, but he does smoke weed frequently. So far, he (supposedly) hasn't smoked since everything happened. He was drinking more during the affair as well. I have noticed a change and I am constantly checking up on him (going through his car, pockets, wallet, etc.). He has been to a meeting finally and I have a firm commitment that he will continue.

When I referenced praying, I was speaking about faith. We have also been going to church weekly. I'm hoping that getting back into a church will also help him - new friends that aren't into the destructive behaviors. We have been in counseling since D-Day (once a week) and that helps a lot. He is going to start going on his own to work out some childhood traumas that he has never resolved. I think this will be helpful as well.

I have good days and I have bad days. I am getting stronger. I respond to him differently now. I understand when he is manipulating me and I don't let him do it anymore. Instead of dealing with resentment, he is actually more respectful of me. I'm still not sure if this will work out, but I'm going to continue working. The rest is up to him.