I've posted this on the In Recovery board but I know there is more traffic here. Any feedback would be great!

It's been nearly 8 years since our "final" DD and I still find myself unable to fully trust anyone. During my husband's affair with my "best friend" my teenage daughters were also lying to me tremendously about drinking, sex, whatever. I know kid lie, but the quadruple whammy of have 4 of the people closest to me deliberately and repeatedly lying and taking advantage of trust has me in a place where I still can't trust people.

I keep "friends" at a distance, my gut is constantly telling me that my 16-year-old son is not being honest and menopause keeps my emotions on an additional hormonal roller-coaster.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. My husband says I'm obsessing about my son, but I don't think so. I can't put my finger on it, but something is going on - alcohol, drugs, maybe experimenting with sex - I don't know.

I've prayed, just like I did before when I knew something was wrong and everyone kept telling me I was crazy. Ultimately I found out I was right in my suspicions so of course now, it's hard to push aside my concerns.

Has anyone else been through this? I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to this about and I've had bad experiences with counselors. I feel so alone. If it wasn't for my faith - which has gotten me through alot - I don't know what I'd do.

Help!

Why sit, pray, wring your hands, fret, and wonder?

When you dont have to worry at all.

Get a PI or a trusted friend or even YOU to follow your kids and husband for a few weeks.

THEN IF YOU FIND THEY ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG, YOU CAN RELAX.

Stellakat,

Whoa - that was a heavy hit! Not necessarily in a bad way, but definitely a hard smack upside the head.

The problem right now is my son and I'm not sure there's anything going on, but the bigger issue is my inability to trust and not allow myself to be vulnerable enough to have real friendships or even to feel like I can let people get close to me. Most of my close relationships have had major betrayals. It's probably my own fault, I'm to trusting - too willing to believe what the people close to me are telling me.

It's a hole I haven't been able to find a way out of and it seems like it keeps getting deeper.

Hiring a PI is not really an option - there aren't any that I can find in the area. As for a trusted friend, there aren't any. I suppose I could try following him or at least physically checking up on him to see if he's where he said he would be.

Thanks for taking the time to respond - you gave me some things to think about.

tih - it appears that you have settled on this thread for your topic, so I'm copying my post on Recovery to this thread for you.



"Half empty" eh?

You don't trust because you choose not to trust.

That choice might be valid or invalid depending upon what you are thinking about as needing trust to be given by you.

But I'm guessing you already do trust, you are trusting in "bad behavior" instead of "good behavior."

Most people tend to "live up to, or down to," what is "expected" of them by others, especially by their parents and/or spouse.

What ARE the "expected standards of behavior" that have been taught in the home and IS each individual responsible for their own choices and actions?

You're absolutely right about living up or down to expectations. I've allowed my children to experience the the consequences of their actions but my son has always been the one I didn't have to worry about. But now he has a girlfriend and when they went to prom on Saturday she had a dress literally slit up her leg to crotch level. Her mom is never around and yes, he knows the rules and I know all kids try to get away with things but it just seems like he's starting to stretch the truth and even outright lie.

That's what people do when they know they're breaking rules, right? They tell you what they think will keep them out of trouble. It breaks my heart to see him going down this path and of course, after my experience with my husband and various lies by his older sisters, it's hard to keep trusting.

But I'll keep hanging on to the fact that he's been taught (at least by me) that honesty and following the rules is a better way to live.

We'll see.

Thanks!