A year ago, I found out my wife was on chatting with strangers on casual sex websites, and contemplating having sexual affairs with strangers. I confronted her about this, and she says she just has this desire to have sex with someone else. She says she just needs some f*** buddies like she had in college. This came about a few months after she stopped taking her Zoloft for anxiety. She will be turning 40 next month, and is having a mid-life crisis. She started seeing a counselor about 8 months ago. But has not been to him in the last 3 months. She has an appointment with him again this week. She is also finally seeing a OBY/GYN in a week. She has not seen one since the birth of our son nearly 3 years ago. She has had bouts of crying, and has trouble getting to sleep at night. This is similar to the post-partum depression she had after our son's birth.

I have not physically or verbally abused her, I have been faithful and tried to be attentive to her needs. She will not have any sex or physical contact with me. No affection either.

She says that she does not want the children to grow up like she did. She states that her mother would have bouts of rage and anger for no apparent reason while she and her sister were growing up. She asked her mother recently why she was that way, and her mother would not discuss it. My wife blames me for her anger and un-happiness in her life.

She now wants to separate and move to another town about 90 miles from our home. We were moving into a new house and town when I found out about her wanting the casual sex. We moved to our present town so that she could be closer to her law office ( she is a family law / divorce attorney ). She says she is not involved with anyone, sexually or emotionally. She says she wants to be closer to her sister, cousin, and parents.

She refuses to seek joint counseling, or entertain any thought on improving our relationship. She says she has been unhappy our whole marriage (almost 9 years), and that I am the cause of her unhappiness. I have been bending over backwards the whole time trying to please her. But It seems once she gets what she wants, she no longer wants what she has gotten.

We have 2 young kids, age 6 and 2. She wants custody of the kids, yet it is I who spends most of the time with them.

Our house mortgage requires both of our incomes to pay. Separating would require selling our new house. The housing market has slowed and values have dropped. It is doubtful we would be able to sell it for more than we owe on it. We used up our cash savings for the down payment.

I had to borrow against my 401k to make up for shortfalls in my wife's income due to the "fog" that she has been experiencing the last year. Her income dropped in half, even though she was now spending more time at the office than ever.

I have read the Love Busters book, and have been trying to be as supportive as I can. I have asked her to at least read the book or take the emotional needs quiz, so that I can help understand her needs. She says I should know them without her having to state them.


Any suggestions on how to deal or reason with my wife.

Joe,
So sorry you are here. Know that you have found a tremendous support outlet though.

It sounds like she may have some hormonal issues that hopefully her OB/GYN will identify and give her medication for. It's not a bad thing to be on medication. I stopped my anti-D's too because they made me numb, but I have replaced that with homeopathic methods, but need to take them each and every day to be chemically balanced. However, you can't make her do it and at 40, she is a grown woman and should be taking control of her health. I speak out of the side of my mouth on that one because I've recently come to realize the same thing about myself. Time for me to grow up and handle my health.

She probably spends more time at work because she is chatting on the Internet. That becomes an addiction and at work, it's probably easier to do because you are not there. Chatting on the internet is like living in a fantasy world. There is an extreme FOG with that (you mentioned that in your post). Your wanting to have sex buddies is completely related to this fog and fantasy world. She needs to get away from it to gain some perspective. My WH was an internet chatter and had lots of EA's using that method. We had to get rid of the Internet for many years. He still found other methods and outlets, but it helped my peace of mind when leaving the house and he was home alone.

You will get some good straightforward advice. Read up on Dr. Harley's methods and it will make sense when the posters give you direction or assistance.

Good luck and God Bless!

Sex addiction for no strings thrills is a unisex issue. Her symptoms are those of a adulteress, pure and simple. Start looking for the real deal. She may be in early stages or she may in fact be having an affair, imho.

Either way, she needs reality and coaching. Given her profession, she is not stupid, but she may be ignorant of the issues within her own hormonal condition. If it were me, I would treat her as if she is in fact having an affair by using the teachings of the Harleys and if you can afford it, seek coaching from Steve or Jennifer on your own or with her cooperation.

One hour or more with Steve or Jennifer will shed light toward the end of the tunnel and give you PROFESSIONAL direction to take. Those two know the EXACT steps you should take, when and why. Please go that route; it will be cheapest method you can use to introduce the hidden reality that is covered by the fog or your observation of her behavior. The sooner you seek PROFESSIONAL direction, the sooner you can deal with the discovery of whatever reality is destroying your family, your wife and yourself.

Larry

Hey RegularJoe,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Based on your description, your wifes behavior is consistent with an Affair. As I've learned from first hand experience, maintaining a healthy relationship is can be very difficult when a spouse has anxiety/emotional disorders.

"A year ago, I found out my wife was on chatting with strangers on casual sex websites, and contemplating having sexual affairs with strangers. I confronted her about this, and she says she just has this desire to have sex with someone else. She says she just needs some f*** buddies like she had in college. This came about a few months after she stopped taking her Zoloft for anxiety"

How exactly did you find out? Did she tell you or did you discover it? My wife told me at the time that she "enjoyed getting male attention", which I later learned meant she was having a PA. So you see, alot of Wayward spouses sometimes give hints in vague or general terms. If your wife is being honest and openly admits her desire for sex, chances are she has already engaged in an Affair, been involved with someone or is on the fast track to one. This is evidenced and backed by her behavior which includes---

(the desire to have F**k buddies, but no SF with you)
(actively engaging strangers f/sex on the web)
(sudden desire to move away)
(lack of emotional connection to you)
(refusal to seek joint counseling, marital improvment)
(Blaming you for the failure of the M)
("Her income dropped in half, even though she was now spending more time at the office than ever" = drop in finances and time)

I think shes telling you all she can without actually "telling" you. You say she is a family law/divorce attorney AND wants custody of the kids? Of course she says "she is not involved with anyone, sexually or emotionally". Do you think an attorney would admit to something that would place them at an disadvantage legally? I simply suggesting that she is probably approaching this strategically.

I'm sorry to paint such a bleak picture, but its better not to get blindsided or taken advantage of. My advice is to determine if there is an affair, maybe hire a PI and gather the hard evidence. As long as there is an A going on, you won't be able to recover your marriage, so you have to know for sure. BUT BE CAREFUL, don't tip her off that your suspect or it may become much more difficult.