DDay for WGF was 03/12/08....on 4/8/09 I found out contact continued, but " as friends only" to which I drew a boundary as non negotiable, I said anyone but him. I believe she has honored this.

So after 5 weeks now, things are generally getting better, I see signs every week she is working on our relationship by doing, not saying. However I really want to her to say somethings to me, like it wont happen again..etc. In bed at nght I tell her I love her and kiss her good night, she will mumble back to me, and I think (or want to think) she is saying me too.

She allows me to hug and breifly kiss her, we shower together, but she doesnt cuddle up next to me in bed anymore, or iniate the hugs really (she had been doing this even up to the 4/8 date). She knows I expect one and will give me one when we leave for the day, but in general I am wanting her to show more affection. Am I rushing things?


She does spend almost all non work time time with me, even when she doesn't have to, is concerned and asks me if she notices I am not happy, asks if my project list is too heavy around the house, etc.



I guess I am looking for opinions on how my recovery is going, specifically considering the time frame, and when I should bring up the topic about restarting our sex life.

If WW is truely in NC with OM you must realize that it has been for only one month. On average it takes a WW six months to go through withdrawal from the OM. So WW is still not completely emotionally free from the OM. This keeps WW distant towards you.

"She does spend almost all non work time time with me, even when she doesn't have to, is concerned and asks me if she notices I am not happy, asks if my project list is too heavy around the house, etc"

This indicates that WW is possibly feeling guilt and remorse.

Time is needed to heal this. Recovery takes two years as minimum average.

PM, when my neediness was being poorly received I did a 180 on it. Only platonic touch; "I love you" became "I care". avoided all touch while all the time plan A'ing my buns off.

After three months it drove Squid crazy ! She ended up seducing me in a very memorable weekend !

Seriously, you have lock up that taker for a lonnng while yet. Your W isn't working right inside her heart yet.

Suck it up and lock up your taker. It will pay you dividends.

PM

I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one in this situation. Just about everything you say mirrors what I am going through and it's tearing me apart. The "friends only" boundary with OM (they are separated by contries), the kissing good night, the hugs, the mumbling after saying I love her, everything. We don't shower together though, I wouldn't even chance that. We also spend just about every non-working minute together and the time is very cordial. We talk, and laugh at things. We're taking family trips and have plans for Hawaii in August. Twice in the last month or so she's snuggled up to me in bed, most of the time she seems to keep her distance, I can't help but think that sometimes when she accidentally touches me in bed she shrinks away (I may be making that one up since she's asleep). When the kids (D16, S14) come in to say goodnight she pops right up and kisses. But when I lean over to kiss her and say I love you, she doesn't move and just kind of groans and smiles sometimes.

It's been 3 months since dday and I HAVE been Plan A'ing my [censored] off. I haven't even begun to think about restarting a physical relationship with my WIFE. But everyday I look at her and I want to touch her so bad, just a loving hug and have her hug me back. To actually kiss her on the lips when we say bye (she only allows me to kiss her forehead, one peck on the lips in 6 months). I keep telling myself that things are getting better but it's not helping.

She actually hasn't shared my commitment to saving the marriage yet so I may be fighting an uphill battle. I could very well be treading water just waiting for my strength to finally give out, I don't know. But I share your pain, I hope things improve faster than mine have. I don't know what is holding my wife back or if she's even trying to get past whatever barrier she has to starting our recovery. I don't plan on changing my fight but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone out here. This thing is hard, hard to understand how the BS is the one who has to do the lion share of trying to save what we feel is so important. Time is the only thing we have my friend. I'm hoping that time is an ally for us.

Good luck, and I'll be keeping an eye on your progress

BP

Since you've had experience in this situation, can I bend your ear? How did you handle all of that and how did Squid act towards you during those three months? Was she physically distant and all of the sudden seduce you out of nowhere? I've had visions of that happening but I fight them off because it only leads to heartache. I've thought about doing the 180 but in WS state, I'm afraid it may just make it easier for her to distance herself further. I can see that my occassional touching makes her uncomfortable, she's told me that she doesn't mind hugging me and things but fears raising my expectations. She says she can act affectionate as a "friendly" gesture but does not want me to make any wrong assumptions, I'm not sure how to take that. Granted, she said that to me before dday while I was still in shock from ILUBINILWY and before I came to MB. Our situation isn't bad and we've come along way since starting plan A. The affection thing is killing me and I'm just looking for those that have suffered through similar situations.

Thanks

You wrote that much better than I did. Much of it is VERY similar.


The responses I got all point to suck it up and wait; that is very hard at this point as you know. I know what part of the "block" might be for mine GF, she says she is afraid I am not sincere in "taking her back." She thinks after she is "back in love" with me I will say soemthing like " I was only kidding"

This is incorrect of course, its just her fears.


NOt sure I can do anything but keep up the genuine love, affection, concern and no love busters.


Just wishing I could her the words from her mouth she is committed to us again.

Dino69:


Are you saying that she is remaining "friends" with OM? Is she still talking to or calling OM? If so, then she will likely never get through withdrawal. Every contact with OM revives the addiction and infatuation with OM, and requires another withdrawal. If she is to get through her withdrawal, then OM and WW cannot be just friends, they can only be strangers.

My situation is they are not friends anymore. I have no absolute proof, but I beleive this to be true. Its as close to NC as possible, in our situation.


They are in same meeting once a week at most, and I have asked for no contact after the meeting or any other time, which she says is being followed.

Hiya


Sure ! :

Where this came from was when I noticed Squid cringing from my efforts at affection. Reading on MB made me realise I was being pathetically needy, and BS neediness is quite sickening to most active WS.

I found there's a technique invented my Michelle Weiner-Davis called "180" which is pretty intuitive when you think about it.
It means simply to try a tactic, then if it is unsuccessful with the target, stop it and try something else. If somethin' ain't workin', do the opposite

BS' can be pretty needy unless their takers are in lockdown ( mine wasnt for a while after d-day). I craved touch, affection, sugar, some assurance that I wasn't a piece of cr[i][/i]ap in her eyes. So I touched her, tried to kiss her, caress her, cuddle in bed when she was home etc.

Squid recoiled from my efforts.

So rather than give up or sulk I decided to study, detach and run plan A aimed at ending the affair like a project.I learned and applied loving detachment which helps a HUGE amount. I studied Harley's books and applied the tenets to examples I read on here.

Smart folks helped me too.
Then I tried the "180" as the coup-de-grace.
* I withdrew physically. platonic touch replaced any hint of sexual touch. I even slept in boxers ( laugh if you want! :D).
* ILY became 'I care for you',
* I locked up my taker and sedated it most of the time, then let it out for short walks on a tight leash by dressing up and going out with male friends at the weekend.
* loving detachment meant I took rebukes and set backs less personally
* 180 stopping giving Squid the opportunity to show me how little she cared for me AND made her realise what life would be like with a polite but detached Bob in it.

It didn't mean not talking to her, it meant not being needy or discussing certain topics. We progressed a LOT of things, and I did a pretty decent plan A in there. It also meant not pressing her to talk.

As a result I soon got my head together and felt happier. I was able to bravely police my boundaries. I 'did a deal' ( threatened) OM with destruction if he ever contacted my family again, such was my confidence, and NC started properly.

She raged her spite against me and I detachedly and politely reminded her that i WANTED to be married to her, but I did not NEED to be. And so I would not tolerate such abuse from her indefinitely. She could choose to stay or leave, there's no lock on the door.

All this coupled with a well applied plan A, was effective.

After a couple of months of this ( Squid told me later) she was well over the hump of withdrawal and she ACHED for me to hold her, and tell her everything was going to be alright.She cited a time when we assembled some flat pack furniture for my son's bedroom together and had a nice time actually,and the atmosphere was heavy with "something" but I was not openly invited so I did not offer ILY or physical affection.

Eight / nine weeks or so of NC and we were having a pleasant weekend at our holiday home in Wales. We were having a great evening with friends in the country pub, and I went to the bathroom.

On the way out I bumped into Squid who seduced me ! Kissed me like in a black & white movie.

Then she took me back to bed and we made love several times. Proper love, not bone-jumping.

Squid has told me since that my distance drove her crazy, and she couldn't help herself eventually. I did not feel bad after this SF. We slept in each others arms.

Worked for me Dino.

All blessings

Galoot

I may have misled with that statement. I have made it in no way unclear that her remaining friends with him is unacceptable to me and that she has lost that right to keep him as a friend. Of course she got all angry and said she would do it. There's no way for me to know for sure but what can I do.

BP

Thats reassuring yet distressing at the same time. I too live in England just so you know. It distresses me because some of the signs tell me that she IS in contact with him, but at the same time, it doesn't really mean it to be so. Any attempts by me to find out would cause more damage than good I believe, at this point anyway. I also sent OM an email a few weeks ago politely asking him to break contact. He lives in another country which was a good thing at the time, had he been accessible, I may have gotten myself into trouble. He is also married w/kids, his wife was the one to find out and blow everything out into the open. Apparently he has had a history or why would she be snooping around in his email.

So anyway, 3 months in plan A. I have been doing my best at the Loving Detachment thing. I am very cordial with her, I don't think I act needy anymore or smother her with contact. I kiss her everynigt before bed and anytime we say good bye. I only get the forehead though. I don't try to snuggle with her in bed at all, she actually had the nerve to complain a couple of weeks ago that I turn my back on her when I get into bed like I'm pouting??? I touch her on the head from time to time when I walk by but nothing more. I pretty sure I'm doing the right things. Sometimes it's hard to mask my disappointment but I think I'm doing fairly well. I hope things work out for me as well as they did for you. I may need to "tighten Up" some of my skills but I think I'm on the right track.

Thanks for the advice bob

Dino,

Your wife and my GF are acting exactly the same. I'll watch your other posts, you are able to articulate much better than I.



Wish you luck.

P

Originally Posted by PM3675ny

DDay for WGF was 03/12/08....on 4/8/09 I found out contact continued, but " as friends only" to which I drew a boundary as non negotiable, I said anyone but him. I believe she has honored this.

So after 5 weeks now, things are generally getting better, I see signs every week she is working on our relationship by doing, not saying. However I really want to her to say somethings to me, like it wont happen again..etc. In bed at nght I tell her I love her and kiss her good night, she will mumble back to me, and I think (or want to think) she is saying me too.

She allows me to hug and breifly kiss her, we shower together, but she doesnt cuddle up next to me in bed anymore, or iniate the hugs really (she had been doing this even up to the 4/8 date). She knows I expect one and will give me one when we leave for the day, but in general I am wanting her to show more affection. Am I rushing things?

She does spend almost all non work time time with me, even when she doesn't have to, is concerned and asks me if she notices I am not happy, asks if my project list is too heavy around the house, etc.

I guess I am looking for opinions on how my recovery is going, specifically considering the time frame, and when I should bring up the topic about restarting our sex life.

So last night I asked her for the second time in a week ( we haven't discussed how things are going for 5 weeks now) She tells me that I am doing great, but she is in "just surviving mode." She says she doesn't have feelings for me still, and doesn't miss me during the day.

I asked her if NC is proceeding as we agreed ( she has to see him in a weekly meeting ) and she says yes, but its humiliating and embarrassing for her. She said she cares for me, but it seems like so long has passed without a return for her feelings towards me. I remind her its only been 5 weeks, and she cant believe it, seems like so long ago.


I tried to start to discuss the actions come first feelings follow subject, but I don't think she understood me.


She is very worried about her job, feels over whelmed. She also worrying heavily about money, about my job, about me and my sons general welfare, whether we can afford the house we own together and the improvements it needs; she is working a few 4-5 hour over time jobs on the side ( 2 per week avg) She also said:


She feels isolated from her family ( they all live 2-3 hrs from here, but this is not a change in anyway, its always been like this)

She has no friends she can talk to.

She wishes she could take a week off by herself and get away to clear her head.

When I kiss her goodnight she cringes.


She isn't sleeping well.

Our house isn't special anymore, the pond she loved is just water now.

Instead of doing everything together, she wants more time alone.


I asked her again what she wanted. I asked her again if she wanted to sell the house. No response.



She admitted the longest she had ever lived with a man before is 6 months, we have been in the house for 18 months now. I am wondering if she doesn't understand "mature love" vs. "immature love"

Maybe I am the one who doesn't understand.

I am so confused on what to do and how to get through this roller coaster. I tried to get her interested in the website, but she didn't seem to bite.


Can anyone help me see what's going on?