I've been divorced for 7 years now. It's been a struggle with the ex & his wife. Which he was having an affair with then married her less than 2wks after our divorce final. We had two girls together. I've remarried 5 yrs ago. We all get a long for the most part but there are times when the step mom has forced the girls to call her mom (or she wouldn't talk to them) I had a talk with my ex about that but it continued w/out him knowing. My ex & I have joint custody by they reside with me. The girls are with him on his days off. Seems like whenever we are all around each other the step mother has to have all the attention from my girls otherwise they seem scared or they will be in trouble. It's become habit now for them. I understand the shared feelings & I'm ok with it but sometimes you can tell my girls OVERLY show a lot of affection towards the step mom to make her happy (as my one daughter says "You don't want her unhappy - it even makes me scared") The step mom is a VERY manipulative person. She wants EVERYTHING for herself & she'll do anything to get it in her own manipulative way. My ex doesn't see if but I clearly can & so can everyone else. When the girls show all this affection toward the step mom it doesn't bother me until it's OVERLY shown as a "show" to make the step mom feel good. I can tell it's "fake" but the step mom feels it's supposed to be showing me that the girls love & want to be with them more than with me & my husband. Then I know when the girls go with me & step mom is alone with my ex she probably plays it out to the fullest that she wants the girls with them more. Then with the girls OVERLY showing her affection to make her happy it's a reason that she can give my ex to give her more simpathy that the girls love them more. I do not know how to handle this with my ex or the step mom. I couldn't ever talk with the ex because he believes EVERYTHING she says & wants to do everything to make her the happiest even if it's not in the best interest of our girls. I also know that when the girls are alone with the step mom she does whatever she can to pursuade them to do what she wants. When they get home from being at their dad's for a couple of days the one daughter is VERY rude at times & sometimes distances herself from us. But I can't get mad at her for this because I couldn't imagine what it's like being in her shoes going between houses. I just want to love & take care of my girls & not play mind or manipulative games. It's VERY hurtful to me & I'm stuck as to what to do. I'm such a doormat & let everyone walk all over me as I want everyone happy. But what about my happiness???

Any suggestions - What do I say to my girls after an eposode with the step mom in front of me to make her happy. I just ignore it & the girls know I do. I can't sleep at night thinking about it.

How old are your girls. This is going to blow up big time on OW once they hit the teen years.

I'm sure there will be plenty of instances of "F-Off, you're not my mother!" that's coming her way.

Your girls don't need to call her mom.

Listen, when it comes to your kids you need to become Mama Bear. They don't need to call her mom. She's OW, whatever her name is.

YOU are mom and let your kids know that they don't have to call her mom if they don't want to and if she won't talk to them, fine. Her problem not theirs.

A step mom is a mentor/friend. She's not a parent. The sooner she gets that straight in her head, the better.

YOU as a mom need to quit wanting to please everyone and stand up to this. Do it for your daughters.

How old are they?

You need to practice some scenarios with the girls covering potential situations with SM. Practicing is very good and empowering for kids.

For example, "Girls, I want you to know that you don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with; if you ever have any questions, let me know and I'll protect you. Like you don't have to call SM 'mom' if you don't want to. If she says she won't talk to you if you don't, what can you say to her at that point? If it was me, I would say 'Well, we can't call you mom because we already have one; but we'll be glad to call you Miss SM if you want.' Or else you can try to be funny and make a joke out of it, and say 'Well I guess it's going to be pretty quiet today then!' and see what she says."

Let them see some other outcomes that give them a little bit of control back.

The girls are 12 yr old twins. It's been around 3yrs since the blow out with the step mom forcing them to call her "mom" but I noticed it still when they talk on the phone. My daughter ask what "mom" is doing when she talks to her dad. It's all about power is wanting everything for herself. I even heard she was diagnosed with Bi-polar (sp??) a couple years ago so everyone tries to keep her happy. It won't help if I talk to my ex even though he is a decent person & we get a long. As soon as I talk about something he seems to agree then as soon as he talks to OW its all changed. The step mom LOVES confrontations & LOVES to fight that's why I'm as nice as I can. Just to give you an idea of my ex. After I found out about his affair with her & he knew he had to end it but he said he couldn't because it would "kill her". But he had no thoughts as to what it would do to me and his girls. So my ex will also do whatever he can to make her happy. When they were having an affair if she said the sky was always pink, he would believe it. Basically my ex is a very weak person. I am so blessed with my new husband - he's VERY strong & loves & treats me like a queen. We have a terrific marriage but I'll ruin it with the stress I have with the way my girls are acting at times. I know they are still going through their pre-teens attitude & mom isn't cool so I'm sure step mom is cool. I remember that age when I didn't think my mom was cool. When the girls are home they have rules to follow and chores to do. At dad's it's all about video games & watching movies. We like to have family time at home & do things together. It does take a couple of days before they are back to their sweet selves. I was just totally hurt this weekend when my one daughter acted the way she did around her step mom when I was there. It was OVERLY done all the affection just to make her the Step mom happy. When my daughter got in the car we were driving home she let this big sye of relief go and said "I'm so happy to be home". It's like the same relief she had about 3 yrs ago when the step mom was making the girls call her "mom" the girls were so happy to be home as it was really bothering them that they had to call her mom. That's when my husband blew up at my ex and then he appologized & said he'd put an end to it but never did entirely.