James,

I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but somebody must be able to do something for that little girl, get her out of that toxic mess. I fear for her.

James, your stbx is a real loser. Her STBH is an even bigger loser. But YOU have a lot of responsibility here. You were made aware that your stbx does not want you involved with your stbx step daughter. She has the right to make that decision as her parent. It makes me sick...but it is her right.

Your continuing to push things...like instigating an argument by saying "tell her it's her husband" or sending stuff for her child is doing no one any good. You had your chance to stand up and be counted in these things...it has passed. Instead of getting in your little jabs with comments...or contacts that are unwanted, perhaps it is time to see how all of this could impact your child. NEGATIVELY. Back off of your relationship with her daughter. You no longer have any rights to see her. Respect that...even though it is wrong and it sucks. Keep working on getting your son out of that helll hole. I like the idea of you getting in touch with the daughters father...he deserves to know what is going on in his child's life.

Your child has been there going on 10 months now. I suggest you either get him out of there...or start doing things to make his life better...including when he is there.

You didn't come off harsh JJ.. and believe me, I agree with you %110.

DSD's biological father is a piece of work himself though.. honestly the best possible place for her to be would be with her grandparents, or WW's older sister.. but quite honestly I don't see either of them acting.. out of fear mostly... of failing and totally losing their relationship with DSD.

Do not let your son go down the same path. Imagine what is being done to him now.

When will you find out about the evaluation?

Believe me, nothing in the world is going to come between my son and I. I promise you that. I do imagine his life over there, and it turns my stomache.. but it's just that, imagination.. and lately I've tended to imagine the worst. I've been much angrier lately as a result.. I'm coping fairly well with it though.

I'm not quite sure when we'll find out anything to be honest. Perhaps the background checks are holding things up, or caused her to investigate something further.. who knows.

I've heard precious little.. and nothing at all has come through the courts since Feb 15th.

I think we're really just holding on that and then the rest I figure will go fairly quickly... mediation then final.

You should be angry. It shows you view a very screwed up situation correctly.

Act on your intelligence. Act for your son. You need to fight for him. No one else will. That's what happened to DSD.

{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}

You are doing your best and fighting where you can. I agree with so much of what everyone says, no point in repeating it.

I have FAITH in you as G-d does and he will give you all you need to find your path on resolution.

James I think you should explore the concept of attachment and how it keeps people in pain.

Believe me.. I'm exploring this concept first hand.

Doesn't change the fact that an innocent little girl that I love and care for is in a very bad place.

Acceptance, detachment.. those are fine when WW wants to spew venom at me.. they're great for coping with the loss of the woman I love and even the 'idea' of her.

This is different though.. much different.

Someone in this little girl's life needs to hang in there and NOT give up on her.

Her biological relatives so far, to a person haven't been up to the challenge.. I'm not going to back down now.

One day that little girl will grow up and will KNOW all that you did for her. Not in our time, but because you keep following G-d, one day you will be blessed.

This bears repeating, so I am going to repeat what MEDC said, not to hurt you but to help you to see something.

My DD has a step-mother that she like/loves when it is okay for her to, but it is situational only. She has a step-dad that she feels about the same for.

When/if push ever came to shove and my ex did not want his curren wife around my DD, you better believe that the loyalty/love factor would lean towards her dad. You have got to understand this. If by you continuing to force the issue causes this little girls home life to become more chaotic or in turmoil than it already is, you are hurting her. It sucks, it's not fair, it is maddening to see what this woman is/has done to this little girls life/security/attachment to parent figures, but you can't help by going against her mothers wishes. This is where the adoption process would come in to play, had there been one.

I've said this before and I'll go ahead and repeat it James, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Especially when your child is entrusted in their care.

I had to make my DD's step-mother my friend. If truth be told that woman caused my DD and me more pain than is possible to go into here, but my DD lived with her half the year and I'll be danged if I was going to give her any reason to take her ugliness out on DD.

Just thinking about those years makes my stomach hurt, but that is the way it was. And many trips to counselors, court mediators, the judge later, my ex and I finally learned how to put her first and put our personal feelings of loss, pain and betrayal by the other in the back seat.

Because your divorce is just a matter of time, and there is no reason to believe she will ever come back, make the time your son has to stay in that house as stable as you can, with what is in your control to control.

You are going to have to learn to do this after the divorce anyway, as much as it sucks that creepy little WB might be in your sons and step-daughters life for a long time, and if not, there will likely be another just as bad.

I'm sorry, but you are strong enough to take these words and consider them.

Gawd, I can't wait until this is all behind you and your life is once again filled with joy. Your pain is our pain.

I could stand here all day long and defend my choices and my actions for one reason or another. I'll try to keep it short though.

And JJ.. there are parts of me at war with what you and MEDC are saying, and parts of me that see the value in it. Part of me also sees your motive in your last sentance. Believe me, I appreciate so much all of the people who know me and caring for me just wanting to see me happy and for my suffering to end.. but I know you and the others here out of those people can understand that it just doesn't end like that.

My problem is that whether you approach it with a hammer or a caress that it leads to the same two choices..

1) Hurt my kids by 'making nice' and effectively saying to them that this is an OK way to treat your spouse, children, siblings, parents, and friends.

2) Hurt my kids by standing up for values I believe should be cornerstones of their lives, and risk that it pisses off WB and he wanders around angry when my kids are there... implying that -I- am to blame for him being in this sick situation...

I'm just not buying into #2 being the worse of the 2 evils just yet.


Now don't get me wrong.. the LAST thing I want is for DSD to hurt, and I'm sure you know that.

But what you don't know is the hundreds of times I must have promised her, holding her in my arms in her bed, letting her cry about her daddy not calling or seeing her.. assuring her that she IS loved and valued and means the world to me and her mommy.. promising her that I would -always- be there for her..

I'm supposed to just walk away because her mom wants to rut with some scumbag? Is the answer yes just because I didn't adopt her at 6 years old.. wanting to wait until she was old enough to have input on the decision? That's what makes it conscionable or right? If so I don't mind being wrong here.

The greatest evil in the world, is our indifference towards evil.

Frankly James, she is not your child...by blood or by law. So the ONLY thing you will accomplish here is to make things worse with your current course of action. It will undoubtedly cause harm to her at your hands.

Your WW is the bad person here. There is no doubt about that. But you can cause more harm by the way that you do things. And, IMHO, despite the fact that you are a good man, that is exactly what you are doing. The only thing you can do right now is to focus all of your energy on making sure your child, your son...is safe and as happy as this situation will allow him to be. If that means not making waves with WB...then you do it for his sake. And that is NOT saying to him that you feel that this is okay...you will have age appropriate discussions with your son when the time comes...but for now, stop making trouble for your stbx, WB or by proxy, your kids.

So basically I appease the [censored] out of her and WB right?

I need to make nice and go up and shake his hand again? Maybe find out if he needs another shortstop on his baseball team? Have a brew with him once in a while? Pretend to respect him for the fine upstanding man he isn't?

I need to roll over and be ok with being trifled with on the phone when I call my son or on his behalf to talk to their mother?

If I do anything like giving DSD a gift or apparently identifying myself as DS's Dad or my WW's legal and covenant husband... IOW dealing in factual things that WB is either in denial about or just doesn't have the moral foundation to care.. I'm hurting DSD and DS.. and I'm the bad guy.


I just want to be clear on these things... I mean, it'd probably be easier to join in on the whole lying to myself and others that this is acceptable... I could get back to happiness.. or maybe pretending to be that way at least.. I could be selfish too and just move on with my life because it'd be easier on me.. maybe find someone who'd be fun and satisfy my SF needs that I can send packing once I'm emotionally healed.

Who knows what that poor child thinks when she lays her head on her pillow at night? Think she remembers you consoling her because her real dad flew the coop? I do. Think she's confused as heck? I do. That's her mom's doing. That poor kid is going to be one screwed up woman when she grows up, especially when it comes to relationships. Thanks Mom. She may end up walking away from her mom in the end. Her mom WILL eventually suffer the consequences of her selfishness. I think she's a lost cause to you though James barring a miracle.

As to you identifying yourself as DS' dad? You will ALWAYS be his dad and I'd make sure that he knew that. Your WS has already alienated one parent in her children's life (her DSS' dad). Don't let her get away with it with your son. I would even tell him to call WB by his first name. My own dad died years ago and I have ALWAYS referred to the man that my mom remarried by his first name. No one could EVER replace that space in my heart reserved for my dad.

Sorry, I just don't see how bending over to WS and WB's whims to make their "life" easier is showing your kids the right way to live.

How about a bit more drama James?

You have NO RIGHT to give your stbx step daughter anything without her mothers approval. Period. There is NO gray area there.

As far as the rest of your post...all you need to do is be neutral...diconnected from their life now. She is not coming back and frankly, despite the paperwork yet to be completed should NOT be referred to as your wife any longer. Stop causing trouble for your ex wife and WB because [censored] will roll down to your son and the little girl you care about. What is so tough to understand about that?

I agree. And I must have missed where there has been trouble with Jame's calling himself his son's father. I do not see that in what he has written. I agree that WB should be called by his first name.

Jamesus:

I, like, totally can't believe this! I agree with medc! I think it was within the last month or 2 that I agreed with something bigkahuna said somewhere, 2. I probably ought 2 go out and cut a calf or build an ark or something, because big changes are in the works! I can feel it!


I think gc was alluding 2 this in his post above. Look at it this way, for a somewhat different perspective: your attachment 2 your STBXW and apparent refusal 2 give up on her daughter can be looked at as a direct cause of this horrible si2ation continuing because you are resisting. Stop this tug of war. Accept that your W has made her choice and find a way 2 work with her regarding your DS. You don't have 2 like it, and I know you don't. Josie probably has the most relevant experience in this area. Listen 2 what she said and try 2 find a way 2 do something like what she did. Your DS will never be out of your life, certainly. But her daughter is, at the moment and possibly indefinitely. I think, though, that by smoothing over the interactions and exchanges regarding your son, you'll even2ally be able 2 have a new relationship with her daughter as well.


What you resist, persists. Let go, James. Live by example. Don't argue and don't play games.


What if he doesn't think it's a sick si2ation? You know? I've been reading Frank Pittman's "Private Lies" and I've ac2ally been surprised at how many affair marriages he seems 2 know about that have lasted far beyond the oft-quoted 5-year term. This could be one of those. But whatever it is, you do nothing positive by fighting it, either verbally or through your actions (the resisting stuff). Let it go. Let it float or sink on whatever merit it may or may not have.

Let go of the unhealthy emotional attachment.


Hm... I ac2ally thought that #1 was the worst of the 2 evils. For your healing, that is.


Again, keep the tie 2 your son, and stop resisting the arrangement your W has forced upon you regarding her daughter. I think that's the best you can do, and that it will be appreciated with time.

-ol' 2long

Oops, I guess I was thinking... oh nevermind... guess that sweet little boy and girl were just on my mind...

Nobody is suggesting this.

I do not think it would be easier on you or the kids for this to happen. I think one new stranger in their life is enough for this year, maybe three or more. No more upsets to their world.

There is a way to make the best of a bad situation for the children, and it isn't appeasement. If you need suggestions for a particular situation, just ask. I'm sure we can all come up with something that lets you honor your values, act with integrity and doesn't give WB or your stbx any reason to put the kids in a war zone and make them feel bad for being there or for loving you or to worry about things that they shouldn't have to worry about.