My H and I have been separated for 8 months. I left after a physical altercation. I moved to another state and had no intention of ever going back. We talked very often and I have made several trips to see him. He was emotionally and verbally abusive throughout our marriage and was physical on occasion. The times I went back were for a few days and everthing was nice but I did not feel happy. I always felt that there was some sort of manipulation going on. In a moment of weakness and lonliness I told i would come home this week and he is coming to get me. I don't want to go but don't know how to tell him. He has done nothing for me--I asked him to come here to see me, he wouldn't I asked for counseling he poo poo's it and says he will go but doesn't beleive in it. I have done all the visiting. I don't want to go back just yet. I am not ready but I am so afraid of hurting him so much. I don't know what to do. I feel if I go back now I will be so unhappy that I will either leave or whither away. Please help!

i know how it feels to be separated from the one you love. and i know that it is not easy. cause i have been separated from my w for almost a year.its the hardest thing that i have even been thru.and it does not get any easier.the abuse that you have gone thru does not being one closer to the other.it just make the person that is getting hurt drift away from that person. and i do also think that if you do go back you might just leave again cause you were not ready to go back and like you said it would feel uncomfortable. i would not be somewhere if i did not feel safe and secure.you should both sit down and think of ways you both can apply to your marriage so it will make your marriage stronger. also to avoid all of the abuse.i know you love him and you don't want to hurt him any longer. but you should be worried about your safety.and when you feel things have gotten better over time then make your choice. i know this sounds like a lot but you should just tell him straight forward.good luck and were all here to help you pull thru this

Sometimes it's hard for women to remember, or realize, that they don't have to please everyone, don't have to keep everyone happy. It's not your job to see to his happiness. So you have every right in the world to call him - or write him, text him, whatever - and say you have changed your mind. Just do it. Tell him you're just not ready. That is ALL you have to say.

Stella, so you would rather sacrifice, HARM, yourself than risk hurting his feelings? STELLA. C'MON!

Your instincts are correct about going back to your H: YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT. There is absolutely no reason to believe he has changed. you are just going to be facing MORE OF THE SAME.

I wouldn't even consider going back to him unless he completes an ANGER MANAGEMENT course. Otherwise, you may end up dead after the next physical altercation.

Stella,

You are VALUABLE! You deserve to be valued and not abused. You can feel this inside your heart when you think about going back into that relationship. I know it is scary...but part of that fear is what your H has created. He has manipulated you long enough for you to believe that if you aren't careful, he'll leave and you'll be lost. It's a scare tactic to keep control.

If he doesn't understand that you aren't ready to return and isn't willing to wait or to show commitment from his side, then he isn't good for you. He has to respect your needs or he is just sucking you back into the manipulation of abuse.

I lived that way for four years...believing that somehow things were fine, that he just showed his love in a different way. I believed that if I wasn't with him, I wouldn't survive. And I was a smart person. But the strength of his manipulations were greater than mine. I don't know if he even knew what he was doing.

The only way that I escaped my abusive relationship, was to never have contact with him again. I knew that because of how I had been "trained" in our relationship, he would always be able to suck me back. It's been 15 years and to this day I am wary of him.

Listen to your heart. Don't go back. Wait until it feels right. And don't be afraid if it never feels right.

What happens after prolonged abuse is the victim does, indeed, stop listening to their instincts. That's what keeps a victim in the quagmire of abuse.

You've been separated for a while and have strengthened your self esteem because he was not there to put doubts in your mind and make little of your feelings and opinions. Now your instinct is back, so listen to it. Each time he talks to you, I'll bet you begin to doubt yourself again. Think about it - should a relationship really be like that - where someone has to talk the other person into something and only one person is getting what they want?

God gave us our instincts as a survival mechanism - you know, so the species can continue on. It's when we stop listening to our instincts that something bad often happens.

Call him and tell him that you've put more thought into it and have decided it isn't the best thing to do right now, that you need to think about it more and will let him know. This should hold him off and allow you some time to regroup.

The separation has been good for you, but he hasn't shown the necessary improvement to demonstrate that he's gotten counseling and has his anger/abuse eliminated. This is why your instincts have told you not to go. You know he hasn't done anything about his issues, and deep down, you know it isn't safe. He's had this separation time available to him to seek help, and he hasn't done it, apparently. He should have used that time to get the help he needed. That's what separations are for - to regroup and realize the mistakes we've made and get help.

Without the counseling, he is likely to revert back to his old habits, as will you. The separation has done nothing but make you miss each other or miss the sex or whatever. It hasn't addressed the real issues that led to the separation in the first place...

I told him last night and he did not believe me!! He acted like I was some little kid telling a story. He kept calm and kept saying that everything was going to be great and that I would get the love security and safety I need to get "better" (I had been depressed of course, who wouldn't be). I feel like running away and disappearing just to not have to deal with this. I have a good job and good friends where I am and I am not ready to give them up for the secluded life, his life, that he wants. He is a great provider but that means nothing without freedom to be who you really are. I am beside myself today. He just did not heed my words at all--like they didn't matter. It was if he was brushing a fly away. Is that a lack of respect or not??

It is, but more importantly, it is abusive manipulation. He is betting on your unwillingness to be 'mean' to him. Just send him a certified letter saying you no longer want to see him, change your phone number, and get on with your life.

Stella,

I agree, he is manipulating the situation. He probably hopes that you are still insecure enough not to stand up for your wants and needs. He brushed your comments off because he wants it to seem like your concerns are unimportant...that they will be fine once you are back together with him.

DON'T BUY IT!!!

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but he is totally manipulating you back into a relationship that HE wants. If it isn't good for you then you need to stand your ground and reiterate that you are not ready to go back with him.

Be prepared for him to get angry and act hurt. He's going to try to manipulate the situation until you give in and do what he wants. He may be so far gone into this cycle that he doesn't even realize what he's doing (sometimes it's nice to think that way, although sometimes I think the abuser is totally aware of what they are doing).

Try to look at his actions as a game...he's trying to "win" the game and get you to come back. He's going to use any and all tactics to do that.

My guess is when you stand your ground, he'll act in a few different ways. He'll try getting angry to see if you'll concede to make him feel better. He'll try acting hurt so that you'll concede to comfort him. He'll try threatening to leave or that you will be unable to do it alone so that you will beg for him to stay. He'll try lots of things.

Right now, your gut instincts aren't strong. Listen to those of us from the outside. Give yourself more time alone. If he truly loves you and wants what is best for you, he will wait. After you have had more time alone, you may be able to hear those instincts better. Then you'll know what you should do.

I have a book for you that you need to read. It's called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Bancroft. It will show you your ex's true colors and help you keep from being sucked in again. You can get it at most libraries, or they can order it from another library. Please read it for your safety and well-being.