Your signature line says your D Days were 2 years ago. I think it is time to find a new MC. This one is not showing you what you need to do to restore your H's love. This MC is not helping your H to see a future with you. It seems odd to me also that you are having separate MC sessions. A good MC should be bringing you together. Not supporting your H in gathering more support to leave. Your MC even said that telling his family could go either way. In my opinion, if it could go either way it is not worth the risk.

My husband needs help with the past in order to see the future. He doesn't understand how/why I could have done that to him/us/me. He needs to understand some of that in order to see that the things I do now help to ensure that if things happen in the future I will not turn to OM again.

When we first started with the MC she did focus on the future/present, that obviously didn't work for my husband. He gets caught if wondering how someone like me, or at least the person he thought I was, could have made some a choice. He can't move forward without understanding even just a little of it...I would think that so if he stays he can see things better with us.

He trusts our MC, as do I, and is not open to future until he speaks with his family. I was just talking to a gf whose dad had an affair - parents eventually divorced - but she agrees that I need to be with him when he tells his family. I just don't know how to broach that with my husband without him thinking/feeling that I'm trying to control the outcome.

You can tell him that you understand his need to tell his family and that you would like to be there to support him. It is up to him to say yes or no.

If you demand that you be there then that is controlling.

When is the last time you have contact with OM?

I am currently reading the books. My husband is not open to MB right now, not open really to anything that would lead to him participating in recovering our relationship. I am doing my best to make love deposits and trying to leave the room if I feel a buster coming on (mainly crying last night). I think I've done a good job of getting other love busters under control for now. I have an AH to him of asking what he is thinking....that is the most difficult one to keep under wraps. I don't know where things are right now.

I believe our MC has helped. I think we were on our road to recovery but then I failed in the time department due to my job (I recently read in another thread that we should just stick to one main thread so people can see our story and then change names has the time warrents - I'll do this in the future) and inadvertaly withheld the what a friend owed us. Telling him about the $500 and the lack of time took our fragile relationship and set us all the way back...we had gotten to the point where we were no longer see the MC and when I called she assumed we were meeting so I could tell her that a birthmother had selected us. She was as blown away as I was on where things were at.

The MC had not heard of MB but I've shared the principles and what I've read...she is in agreement. Previously she had recommended a book, Love Languages to us which is similiar to the EN's. Keep in mind that Dr. Harley even says these are for the average couple and each is unique...I think part of this is my husbands uniqueness.

Hicktownmommy,

I think that whether or not your H tells his BF about his A is actually up to YOU. I would guess that HE might not agree with that. I KNOW that my FWH would not. This has actually been a problem for us.

Is this a particular boundary for you? You probably just need to consider how important it would be for you.

WH2LE

Sorry for the TJ!!!

Well, he will NEVER find out why by rooting around in your childhood. The answer is in the PRESENT, not in your past. This MC is WASTING valuable time and keeping you all diverted from a solution.

jl, Dr. Harley is a credentialed, successful clinical psychologist with 35 years experience and here is what he says:



Ok, here is how: you had bad boundaries and felt entitled to have an affair. That is WHY. Pay the lady $50 on the way out.


And he will NEVER move forward as long as you and this MC waste your time rooting around in your childhood. You will probably be there FOREVER.

I'm sorry, JL, but this kind of therapy is very very counterproductive. Marriage counselors have the highest failure rate of any of the counseling venues, and this is one of the reasons WHY.[84%] Your MC doesn't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and even less of an understanding about the dynamics of infidelity.

As long as you all are spending time rooting around in your childhood looking for "causes" you will never be moving forward because you are LOST in a never ending FOREST.

What is your MC's PLAN to save your marriage?

Last contact was actually with the OMW in September 2007 - he had contacted me and I emailed him knowing that it would be automatically forwarded to his W so she would know and get him to back off (it worked). I hadn't found this site until this year and didn't tell my husband, felt terrible guilt and was going to tell him when he told me he just came from the MC, alone. The OMW had contacted him wanting to know what was going on - nothing, but it caught him off guard and he wondered if it was really over. I didn't tell him right when the OM contacted me because I didn't want to trigger. I assumed that the OMW would deal with her WH. I could really tell him the truth that I was going to tell him that night because 1) it was too late, he knew and 2) it would have seemed to me that I was lieing to try to save myself. Better to acknowledge that I made another mistake and take my lumps. I slept on the couch a few nights why he dealt with triggers.

The MC helped us here too. I knew then that besides the guilt I would feel that my husband wanting to know any contact, even if I was just letting the OMW know so he wouldn't contact me again. I should try to protect him.

I certainly understand the uniqueness idea. My FWH is VERY unique and we(I?) have been unable to implement the principles in an effective manner. It's getting better....... but partly because I have accepted that there are a few issues that MUST be dealt with before HE will want(be able???) to do things in an MB way. It's hard for me to articulate this.

Keep reading and posting and praying. It's important that YOU are making changes and working at what YOU do.

*I* certainly appreciate hearing from a remorseful FWS.

Blessings,
WH2LE

jl, have you considered that your MC might not know what she is doing if y'all are almost 2 years past 2 day and your H doesn't even know if WANTS to recover? Most ppl are fully recovered by now just using the MB books.

Childhood is over, we know that, we also know that I had a huge trigger for my issues. I had dealt with those issues but I suppose somewhat similiar to a BS having triggers even while in recovery I too will have triggers from time to time. I need to recognize the triggers and instead of ignoring making a plan to avoid damaging choices. This is where the MC is focusing on the present, showing my husband that while we are here today, yesterday shaped some of where we are today and here is what jlr is doing today and in the future to make sure that this doesn't happen again, that you can trust again. Make sense? We are not routing around in my childhood BTW, this was the first time it has come up in his sessions. She had recommend the EMDR to not only help me but to also show my husband that I was still working on protecting him/us in the future.

I believe in MB and dwelling in the past does not normally make sense however there are times when we need to understand that past in order not to make the same mistakes (insanity? :)). The MC seemed hopeful that since my husband was having some understanding he can now see other things that I've been doing and could become open to love. She encourages me in maintaing my love units and doing what is important in my husband love bank.

The MC plan is to focus on the things that he finds fun/good in me. Opening him to the possibility that that person is still there and ready to show him fun times. She encourages him to be here instead of just saying it is over. Keep in mind that her email to me was also to help prepare me in case he is not one of the BS that can overcome an affair, that like Dr. Harley says, not everyone can.

*ALL* betrayed spouses feel this way. ALL. They need to understand WHY the affair happened in order to feel confidence about the future. But the answer is not found in your childhood, jl. That is an unnecessary diversion, I assure you.

Please consider using the MB program, JL. The methods you are using are not going to bring about recovery. Your H is *NOT* different, he is the SAME as every other BS.

While the MC may not know what she is doing, I know that she helped before. I know, NOW, that we were probably on a high of the recovery and not recovered and stopped seeing her too soon. That we should have continued with monthly sessions and I should have not worked one last busy season. We had started with a different MC and I can tell you that she didn't know her head from her a$$...she said that it would just take time. That was it, time heals all, nothing about steps to rebuild. Time would fix everything.

Oh, I have been applying the MB principles. I will continue to do so too. The MC agrees with them, right now I'm in the spot where only one person wants to be in the marriage and work on it. I'm hoping that it will change and this time I'm giving it TIME. I've heard Dr. Harley say even for up to two years after D...don't want the divorce but my plan is to be here until the end. There is no other for me, I will always be MB and doing what I can to restore the love from my husband.

I do so appreciate everyones comments and suggestions. I was beginning to think that the only way to get much helpful advice (or just plain old advice :)) as a FWS was to have your BS here. He just isn't there yet. Doing what I can so that he can be here too - or atleast willing to MB our relationship even if he isn't ready for forums.

And I do disagree, my husband is unique. If he wasn't he would be just like other men and wouldn't have captured my heart. Please sense the fun as it was intended.

WH2LE,

Don't want to TJ either, but I would love to talk more about your thought. Wanna respond on my thread...recovery between work, school, and soccer...

Thanks,

HTM

I had a session with Jennifer last night. She understands that my husband probably does not want me there with him. This will be a time for him to be completely open and free - right now he cannot be that way with me around. I will ask to be there but the odds are he'll say no. She did recommend that I write a letter to his family, that has been read and approved by my husband, that he can give them. He is going to tell his brother first and then his mom and dad. Mind giving me your thoughts on the letter to his brother? I will probably post ones to his parents later, assuming that he would prefer that I am not there.

One thing to keep in mind about his brother, I kept is somewhat short because he has some reading difficulties.

JPR (the brother),

ACR very much needs a support system right now, he feels that he is lying to his family about our relationship and needs guidance and support on where to go from here. We are both very close to you and so it is difficult for me to say, but for ACR’s well being and happy future with me, I need to let you know that I had an affair.

I make no excuses for the terrible choice I made then. I will answer any questions you may have but for now my priority is ACR and our marriage. I’m trying to make things right and I’m doing anything I can to make it best for ACR, knowing that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. When listening and talking with ACR, please keep in mind that I’m here with ACR, I love ACR and I am learning new things to make sure our life is full of joy and love. ACR feels right now that he can’t move forward without the support of his family. That is why he is here today.

I cannot excuse what I did, it was wrong, inexcusable. I ask for forgiveness from ACR and you in the hopes that our marriage can be recovered. One of the biggest things I did was failed to protect ACR from hurt. I’ve been talking with counselors to help restore our marriage and protect ACR so I do not ever hurt him again. I’ve also been reading several books and learning things to apply to our life together. The last thing I just read about in the final chapter of one of the books was called “From Incompatible to Irresistible.” This chapter described when a husband and a wife can’t get along we may describe them as incompatible yet at one time we considered them irresistible to each other, otherwise they would have never married. The incompatible comes from focusing on other things - work, kids, family, instead of each other – love and marriage take work/time, it is not all rainbows and sunshine as it was when we date. Once we are married we let the dating life slip away and fail to meet each other needs. I’m here to say that I’m learning on how I need to be to meet ACR’s needs and to let him know how to meet my needs without hurting who he is as a person. I’m here to become irresistible to him again.

I failed in so many ways but I’m committed to a new life with ACR. I’m not only sorry for the pain that I’ve caused ACR and now the rest of our family but I’ve made a life choice to turn things around. To build a life together that I wish we had before that included mutual caring, meeting one another needs, that we make decisions together and not just he decided last time so I get this one – decisions that allow both ACR and I to be happy, and a life together of complete honesty that is given with an angry outburst from me so that ACR really hear what I have to say instead of hearing the anger.

What is now most important to me is ACR’s happiness and I believe with your support he can move forward with me and we can have a better life together. I also hope that you can forgive me – there are no excuses, I can only change what happens in the future.

I love ACR and I love you – you are my family too.
JLR

Hi, just looking for guidiance. Sorry to be a pain and move this back to page one. Just looking to do whatever I can within my control to help my marriage recover and restore the love my husband had for me.

Well I'll continue to post and read and maybe gain some more insight and support. As one of my "Why's" I marked down "You love him, you know that you caused the pain he is now in and have to be strong until he is ready to work on the marriage and can begin to give you some of your emotional needs." I'll apply that here too - I have to earn in forum too. I'm sure many have been fooled by a WS and are quite cautious of my being here. (Quiet my taker)

It is a lonely road, that part I'm sure most of you can at least empathize with, at some point in time we are lonely. Sometimes I get caugt up in looking to the future without my husband. It seems too dreary and desolute (you've probably figured out my now that I'm the worlds worst speller and have not taken the time write in word for the use of spell check)and sometimes this seemes fitting that...this could be my life, that it is something I deserve. Then, I suppose after sitting on my pity-potty long enough, I tell myself that I can't change the past, I can only change how I am in the present and the future. That while I deeply regret the mistakes I've made I do deserve to be happy with my husband and need to work my behind off to show him than I am worthy of him letting me back into his heart.

I've done some silly things to try and help calm my nerves. Currently I'm lighting candles for my husband, myself and our marriage. I mean no disrespect to any of you who light candles...it is just not something I've done before, it wasn't part of my religious upbringing and I feel a bit guilty about it because my limited knowledge (ok, so no knowledge at all) is that candles are lit for the memories of loved ones. Is it wrong to light a candle for the memory of love? I worry that I'm upsetting God (can I write that here, sometimes it looks like people write it as G-d?).

I've found some scriptures on forgiveness and have been using them daily. At least they give my some peace. Then I think, why didn't I turn here more when I was so lost...

I'm doing my best at Plan A - enjoy speaking with Jennifer for words of encouragement - but I think I know that nothing will be deposited into my husband love bank until he gets the ok from his family to continue down the road with me. It makes me sad. As you might have guessed having a hard day today with the positive thoughts and energy. Need to get my thoughts out there before I head home so I can be the best wife I can when I get home.

BS out there - if your WS has not figured out the pain he/she is causing you, I'm truely sorry for what they have done to your relationship. When I read about WS that still lie, don't come completely clean and continue to hurt you I cannot fathom what it must be like for you. Shame, guilt and embarrassment are strong feelings - for those that want to recover, I pray that your WS can find the way to man-up (or woman-up) to these feelings and fight past what it will do to them temporarily. It's the long term that counts. Life's a marathon right? Not a sprint.

jlr, I just found your thread. How have things progressed?

JLR,

Just here to tell you that we are still here. It is hard when nobody responds for awhile...I know. Don't let it discourage you from posting. I think that sometimes the vets don't post on purpose to allow us newbies to really think about what we're writing and maybe come to new conclusions on our own...learning to be self-sufficient.

I am a BS and am lucky enough to have a WH who is committed to recovery. But I don't think that he understands the pain he has caused me. I don't know if you really can describe it to someone who hasn't felt it first hand.

I likened it at the beginning to losing my mom...only worse. My mom died when I was in my twenties and it was devastating. The difference is that my mom didn't do it TO me, it just happened. She didn't choose to do something that she knew would be hurtful. That difference makes the pain of betrayal so much harder to bear.

I think it is wonderful that you are willing to work with your H to recover your M. He is a lucky man.

I wrote on my thread just today about how so many couples I meet are so much angrier and unhappy than my H and I (even without the A). I feel very blessed to be in a relationship where my H has come to realize what is important...it might have been a broken and bumpy road, but he got there.

Keep going. It sounds like you are doing the right things.

HTM

Thanks. I was reading some more of the posts today and went thru hopenpray "Got my D papers" thread and it was enlightening, the post sequence that is. There were many times where she had posts and then posts again the next day without response. It seemed like a place for her to go out and get things out there; the things that you can't really discuss with friends because they are not here and have no idea how devestating this is.

On my drive home, I syched myself all up to be all happy and energenic fun self and was blown away by my husbands mood when I got home. He was 'normal' towards me, there wasn't that underlying WTF attitude. I was caught off guard and completely changed what I thought I should. Went into eating a quick supper watching a baseball game and asked about how his fantasy team was doing today. During this time, about 30 minutes, you could feel and see the change in him towards me...I hate the switch when he realizes he is enjoying something with me but then remembers that he doesn't like me very much right now. I try to suck it up and deal but my mood deflated too. Sometimes I tell myself I'm giving him space and other times I know that I'm just sinking back to protect myself and make sure that I don't say something stupid (AO and DJ's are something that I know now I did in our relationship). I suppose in either case it is better than the alternative.

My husband if off to his ballgame. I probably should have asked if I could come along to watch but I'm not always sure how much I should push for time together (in the car there and back) or if I do just NEED to give him space and let him have his thoughts. Any thoughts?

So, I guess that is how things are progressing. Due to time shortage tonight with his ballgame I have decided to ask him tomorrow night about talking with his family. I've posted this to hold me accountable, I've told someone and now I can't wuss out. I should probably start meditating right now to remain calm and intact for the discussion.

HTM - I read your thread, if there is an orginial one I haven't gone to that one. I think you name caught my attention. I'm orginially from a small town in South Dakota (then again small and town in South Dakota are redunt ;)). Don't live there now, from a young age I showed signs of being a big city gal - at least according to the woman who gave birth to me but I don't put too much stock into what she had told me - but the small town roots are there.