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"AIR TIGHT PLAN B"
[quote]--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Question: if I decide to do a full Plan B, what do I do when we attend the same children's activities? Soccer games, band concerts, plays, etc. are all part of our lives. Do I ignore him completely? Is it okay to smile and wave? Do we sit together or what?
FYI, I have a mediator in mind, but I'm just not emotionally read to Plan B him yet. But I'm getting there.
Dr. Harley
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Reged: 11/16/00
Posts: 1916
Re: Plan B Advice Needed [Re: xxxxx]
#3389429 - 01/28/08 06:40 AM
xxxxxx: Read my answer to "What Now!" by NZJ in the Questions about Infidelity section of the MBW Forum. It probably applies to your situation.
About 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years of discovery. And 70% of those 5% that survive to marriage end in divorce. Even the 30% of the 5% (1.5%) are not all happy marriages. So the odds of your husband finding happiness with his present lover is so unlikely that it's safe to say that his affair is the worst mistake of his life. But because you're married to him, it's the worst mistake of your life, too. And you didn't do anything to deserve it.
[i]Your best plan of action right now is plan B. And you will have to make it air-tight to keep you sane. Otherwise, every casual contact, even at your children's events, is likely to take a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.
Some day, your husband may come out of the fog. And he may be ready to win you back to him again. But I would encourage you to avoid hoping for that outcome. In fact, try to avoid thinking of him at all. Start going down a new path that does not include him in any way. There's nothing more that you can do to encourage him to do the right thing. All you're left with now is to try to protect yourself from future suffering. And that means having absolutely nothing to do with your husband, possibly for the rest of your life.[/i]
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, you must have absolutely no contact (except true emergencies, which are rare). IMHO this should start immediately - the fact that she still wants to text you means that is still meeting some need - the idea is to cut off the supply so she has to turn to OM for everything. Then the A is no longer in fantasy land.
It sounds like everything you've texted about could/should have gone through an intermediary.
I don't understand, are you saying you are letting her determine when the NC part of Plan B starts?
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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NO, it began when she left here with her things.
I never said I had RESPONDED to her texts, just that I had received them.
She is testing me right now, to see if I really meant what the PBL said!
I DID!
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BTW, I'm STILL trying to contact OM's X, she hasn't yet returned my call.
In fact, My WW told me yesterday that she (X) calls her almost daily to check on her now.
I know she is a school teacher, and even in what county, but I can't find an email address anywhere. I've scanned through dozens of school websites searching.
NOT giving up...I remember, I can't believe ANY of what WW says right now, and only HALF of what I see.
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It's tough, but don't respond to anything she sends you.
I still have a hard time with that 2 years after my D. But I'm much, much better about not sending a response.
I draft responses and then put them into the draft folder and don't send them.
She is testing your resolution to your letter. I bet she'll even use your "code word" to get you to engage with her.
Inform your intermediary to tell her that if she wishes to follow your conditions to let him/her know and THEN you'll talk to her.
Otherwise stay dark.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Now she's leaving voice messages, cussing me for "keeping the kids from her."
We agreed on a visitation schedule, now she expects to amend it everyday! Should I feel guilty that I don't tell her how every minute of our children's days are planned?
She DID leave...not me!
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She's starting to face the consequences of this decision on her own.
You didn't do anything to her.. you're just letting her have what she wants.
Let her have it all.
Not to sound insensitive, but she won't learn the lessons you need her to learn to have a successful recovery without facing these things on her own.
I look at it this way: Either they learn.. or we're better off being well out of the way of the explosion when it happens.
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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Thanks, I NEEDED that. I don't wan't to punish her or the children (well, maybe her a littel LOL), but she DID leave us.
Maybe I was starting to buy into her knew favorite line: "I didn't leave my kids, I left you!"
2X4 appreciated!
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Oh how I hate to split hairs, BUT:
"I never said I had RESPONDED to her texts, just that I had received them"
Why are you reading her messages.
"There was only 2 or 3 yesterday, "Where's this?" or "Did u keep that?" But the last one mentioned me taking something to her dad's since"
Plan B is going dark with no direct contact. No phone, IM, voicemail, email, text.
NC on your part is not only not sending these types of messages and not responding them. You are not to be reading them.
Which places you half way to NC.
What is the purpose of dark if you are going to read her crap? Why let WW into your head to cause turmoil? You can not go half way into NC.
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She is testing you.
She is trying to manipulate you.
She KNOWS where all your buttons are and has no problems pushing them.
Get yourself a notebook that you can write the kid's schedule in and any other important facts. Then pass the book on w/ the kids when you exchange them.
Stick to the schedule you agreed to unless she goes through your intermediary.
You must train her on how this works. You will ignore or respond S L O W L Y to all types of comunication except what goes through your intermediary...that you will respond to quickly.
Let all her calls go through voicemail and then get someone else to listen to her voice mails. Then take your sweet time getting back to her about the subject matter. IF it deserves a response at all.
We told you she was going to hate Plan B. They ALL do.
Go dark, ab.
The darker the better.
Last edited by Marshmallow; 05/19/08 02:17 PM.
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Oh how I hate to split hairs, BUT:
"I never said I had RESPONDED to her texts, just that I had received them"
Why are you reading her messages.
"There was only 2 or 3 yesterday, "Where's this?" or "Did u keep that?" But the last one mentioned me taking something to her dad's since"
Plan B is going dark with no direct contact. No phone, IM, voicemail, email, text.
NC on your part is not only not sending these types of messages and not responding them. You are not to be reading them.
Which places you half way to NC.
What is the purpose of dark if you are going to read her crap? Why let WW into your head to cause turmoil? You can not go half way into NC. Agreed. You must not let her text you either. Let her text the intermediary, not YOU. Tell her you're dropping your text plan, so she can't text you anymore. You've got to do this, ab. You need to get her out of your head so you can get to a healthier place.
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Let me second what everyone else says. NC will really help you tremendously.
Use the intermediary.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Ditto...
I think you should change your number. Right now she is feeling very vindicated that she knows you are "getting" the messages.
Remember...Dark Plan B. It's for your own good.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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You need to tighten your plan B.
The only direct communication she should be having w/ you should be in an emergency. Otherwise ALL e-mails, text messages, phone calls should go through your intermediary.
You've GOT to correct this, ab.
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And shall we define "emergency" as something that requires calling 911 first? Anything else can go through the intermediary?
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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From Basic Concepts: While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
DDAY 2/25/04
Plan A 3/1/04
Recovery started 4/14/04....still going strong
.... and quite happy.
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Well, the drama continues. This morning I informed the sitter that my 2 year old wouldn't be back after this week.
A lady and her teenage daughter from my church have agreed to help me out this summer.
No sooner than I had left, the sitter calls W and cries that I shouldn't be doing this. Of course, I get 2-3 threatening voice mails, stating that I CANNOT move this child.
I know, NC means NC, but I was expecting these messages, and I do feel that I need to save them for court later.
I realize that mine seems to be a weak Plan B right now, but I do intend to stick to it for as long as it takes...either way!
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The sitter only cares about her pocket book and you have your children to think about. Who cares if she cries to the big bad WW?
Just another reason for her to think she can intimidate and control you.
You're doing great! Just don't return her calls and think or feel that you have to justify your actions.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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I guess I didn't look at it as intimidation, but she did say in one of her messages, "If you don't call me back, I'll FIND your a#! sometime today!"
Maybe she thought I would be scared??? What's she gonna do???
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Exactly!!!
She's spinning out of control, that's the point in all this. It's almost textbook.
Good job!
Keep taking care of YOU and those kids.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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