Hi, I'm a 28 yr old father, I've been with my fiancee for 5 yrs, and we have a five yr old boy, and are expecting another boy in October.

My parents divorced when I was 4 or 5, at which time my sister was being born. I've always had a tough time in this relationship, but lately things have been getting worse. I feel like I'm self destructing. I know the similarities between my current relationship and that of my parent's failed relationship are adding to the pressure and feelings of fear.

My feelings of giving up and selfishness are stronger than ever, I feel like I'm watching myself destroy everything. She comes from a tight family unit of 6 kids whose parents are still together.

Her father grew up on a farm is very much a man's man, I find myslef comparing myself to him and am constantly beating myself up over my perceived shortcomings. The pressure is so much that I don't know how much longer I can take it before I do before she has enough and leaves.

Soemtimes I think it would just be so much esier to be alone because it's the only time I feel ok.

any help is greatly appreciated.

Welcome, Hutch, to MarriageBuilders...

Thank you for searching for answers instead of going with your instinct. Sounds like you have a real fight on your hands inside.

Also, you've got an awesome tool--awareness--going for you.

Have you read the articles by Dr. Harley on this website? Check out the links to the right...so you can see how great relationships work...and if you read the forums, you'll find many of us didn't know this until we came here, either.

First, your not-married situation. Would you consider a different perspective? Sounds to me like you are afraid of marriage because of your parents' divorce...ergo, you fear that lifetime commitment because it didn't last in your experience. So why do it?

Well, if your base fear is that if you marry, you're stuck with each other...how reasonable is that? You already have a child which binds you to each other for a lifetime. Already does. You made that commitment.

And you've lived as if you're married, seemingly, for five years now. You've been doing the work, sounds like. You already know it takes work and commitment. And for your children, you know it's healthier for them to have a stable, two-parent home. You already know how divorce affects children.

I say divorce because you splitting, for whatever reason, has those consequences already...because you have children. You know this...I'm laying out the reality separate from the way you experience it.

Living together, not married, is like living in limbo...to me, the piece of paper matters as does the vows.

When you became a father, you knew you could fail in a lot of ways...unknown territory...and you are a father anyway.

Would you consider that the limbo is adding to your self-destructive choices (explaining those specifically may help here)...because you're not really married and acting like you are...got that lifetime bond going (factually) and ruminate with your fear, making one publically, with a certificate.

Hard place to be in...aside from all that Harley describes...about meeting ENs, eliminating LBs...can't really follow the four rules of a great marriage...because you aren't...though you may be following some of them as if you are...

The rule of care, time, and protection; the policy of joint agreement...

because you haven't drawn the real line (which is a circle) around you and your partner.

Draw it anyway.

You are not your father nor your mother...you're you. A unique person...and you control who and what influences...you aren't pre-programmed to fail...you gotta choose it.

And you choose it minute by minute when you don't choose to act in honesty and respect.

We all have our challenges in ourselves...to me, that's a given life-long process...the journey. Choosing to beat yourself up isn't healthy or helping you make your decision, is it?

Great distraction, though, from choosing to affirm reality...what is already, maybe?

Please keep posting...

LA