Hello! i had previously posted part of my story in another section but i guess this one has more traffic, so here goes...

I have been with this man for more than 3 years. At the beginning everything was great, we got along just fine but he started working in the same company as my family (father and sister), with time he started to feel not appreciated by them, first as a worker (they were his boss) and then as a person. We had many problems because of that, that was about a year after we started dating, we were engaged at that point.

Our relationship aside from my family was good but somehow the family problems were still there and kept causing problems for us. At the end of the second year a new girl was hired at the company he worked, still with my family. He became friends with this person and learned that her "story" was sad, she had many problems and felt alone. He got emotionally involved with her and eventually physically. Since he started that "friendship" with her we started having lots of problems. I would confront him about their relationship and he would tell me they were just friends, i was stupid not to try to find out more.

The problems with my family got worse, to the point he would not come to my house or to family gatherings because he didn’t want to be around them. In the middle of '07 he quit his job and so did she, she found a job somewhere else but he did not. We had purchased a house together because we were planning to get married, we also had new cars. When he quit his job he got a new one but was fired within 3 months, since then (Aug 07) i have been paying for all of the bills, he makes some money here and there but not enough. We have had difficult times because of this but i supported him and helped him try to get a new job. He became upset and depressed because he was unable to find a job, he still has not found one.

At the beginning of this year i found her "myspace" and pictures she had posted of them together, i also found comments from her friends saying they made a cute couple, i was so upset i confronted him again and he denied everything, he said i was childish for being on "myspace" and said that if i didn’t trust him the relationship was not going to work and he was going to leave. I loved him so much and felt that he was being honest, yea right! i decided to leave that situation alone and not stress myself about it anymore, i figured if there was something going on i would find out sooner or later, well it was later and i feel that it was a little too late.

It was not been a month since he told me he had been cheating on me the entire time, 1 year, with her and that she was PREGNANT! i was completely torn, everything that i had done for him, all of the things we planned, everything was just gone. He told me he felt bad for her and wanted to show her not everything in this world was bad (because she had such a bad life) he was he regretted everything and was sorry, that he didnt love her that he loved me.

I have been going back and forth in my head.. ok i forgive him we can work it out and them no i cant deal with this its too much. I just dont know what to do. I feel that people make mistakes sometimes and they are really just huge and I don’t know what to do. I guess I can forgive him because I know I love him and we would have a great future, the only problem is that now there is a baby.

He wants to be involved with his baby, he would always say to me that he was born to be a father and couldn’t wait till we had children. He didn’t expect his A to result in a pregnancy and a baby, I guess he figured when she was happy and more stable (because he was helping her in that) then he would just leave her and we would continue with our lives and I would not find out of what had happened.

I want to know how does it really work, having a partner who has a child with someone else. I mean he’s going be going with her to the doctor and when the child is born he’s going want to go see his child and its not like I can go with him, that would be awkward even though I would feel better because I know everything that is going on.

I told my family already, they were like me, but then they said they suspected it somehow. They said they would support me no matter what I decide but that I really need to think about what im going to do because the fact that there is a child now changes everything. The people that have had to go through something like this, can you tell me how you dealt with it? ( I honestly don’t want to hear what I heard when I posted before “run… get out now”…. because i know that is what i should do) I want to hear what people have done and how they have dealt with this type of situation. Like I said I don’t know how the whole “baby” in the picture thing is really going affect our lives, mine and his.

I know he wants to be there for his kid not only financially but I guess how a father is suppose to be but not with the mother of the child. But he also said that he wants that family that we had planned. I know if he didnt love me he would just leave and be with her, nothing is holding him back.

IM AM SO CONFUSED!!! Not only that but frustrated and upset and well a lot more things that im sure you can all imagine and might even know. He asked me to forgive him one day and i asked him for time to think about everything, we have seen each other and talked but are not back together. He has not been pushing me to make a decision and he's not even sure what to do with his life. I appreciate in advance all of your replies. (Keep in mind i still love this man, i wish i would just hate him so that i can move on but i still love him and want to make a future with him, but i dont know if thats actually possible.)

Lorena, breaking your posts into small paragraphs will help people be able to read it. Welcome back. Did you read all the responses on the p/c board?

Lorena,

If you're looking for support on staying with a man you're not married to that has cheated on you and has a child with another woman, then I hate to disappoint you, but you won't find that here.

You are going to be told to run in the other direction. You will be told that he will cheat on you again if you marry him.

The question you need to ask yourself is this, "Why do I feel so bad about myself that I'm willing to tolerate the behavior of a man who is unfaithful and has a child with another woman and openly lies when there is indisputable proof to the contrary?"

Why is my self esteem so low that I find this acceptable?

Yes, you need to leave this man, run the other direction, get the answer to the two questions above, and THEN move on to find another relationship.

I get the impression you're a woman that hates to be alone and must have a relationship in order to feel good.

Well, it's a recipe for disaster and heart break in the future.

Lorena:

There is another current thread on almost the same, exact issue. My eyes glazed over while I was trying to read your thread. Please click on the edit button and break it up into logical paragraphs so those of us less able to concentrate can help.

Larry

What pom said!!!!

Excellent post!!

Throw the bum out, Lorena, you deserve better!!

I will reiterate my first post to you:

Lorena,

Does your fiance want the child in his life? If DNA proves the child is his, he does not have to have contact. He could just financially support the child. Have you thought through the full implications of child support, your future children etc? BTW, WHY would he have to help her through the pregnancy? There should be absolutely no contact between your fiance and this OW. Once the child is born, DNA established and then court ordered CS and visitation (if he wants contact). He does not have to see or directly talk to the OW. He should not ever be alone with her ever again or the A could likely reignite. Do you really want your fiance going to doctor visits with her? Attending the birth? These are all possibilities you will have to face. Please, please think it all through before marrying him and having children with him.

WHY would he go to the doctor with her? You see you are already seeing what we are trying to point out to you, this is not easy and if not already married why would you sign on for this? The part I put in bold? This is how the baby #2 will be made. You see if you marry him, the child is your step child. Visitation should be done with you, not alone with him acting like a happy family with her and the child. Awkward? Who cares if it is awkward?

Lorena, honey this is the tip of the ice berg. You will spend a lifetime dealing with this woman and being step mom to her child. Your money, time etc. will go to her child. Your children will not be your future H's firsts. You will miss out on so much and you will begin a life with a man that has been proven untrustworthy.

Let's see...

1. You've been together three years (the last of those years he was cheating).

2. He HAD a job because of your family but he's not working now and you're paying all the bills.

3. His OW is pregnant and he's insisting on being involved in HIS baby's life (which requires continued contact with OW).

4. You've bought a house with him and you're engaged.

5. He will have to pay child support and there will be visitation issues.

Look ahead five years and imagine what your life will be.

Get out while you can. This is not going to go away or get better. Go see an attorney. You could be considered "commonlaw" married and your property considered "community" property.