You are doing fine, but don't ask your MIL about him. Ask her about her garden, her childhood, WHATEVER, but not about him. He is supposed to be OUT OF YOUR MIND.

Yeah, supposed to be. I did not ask her though, she started the conversation....I just listened and broke in sometimes LOL. But, I see what you are saying. I know that he is suppose to be out of my mind and eventually he will be. I probably shouldn't even stop by there to talk to her because the conversation always comes to that. So....yeah.

Just tell her that it is too hurtful to you to hear about her son.

I was very close friends with my SIL. We did everything together. After the affair I let her know that I didn't want to talk about her brother. I didn't want to hear about him and OW, and I didn't want to bash him to her.

But the affair took its toll. I haven't seen her for 4 years.

I'm sorry about that B. It had to be tough for both of you.

What kind of boundries have others decided upon? I'm trying to decide how many is too many and what are good ones.

One thing that his mom did tell me is that he said he was ready to let go. That hurt because I thought he already had. Anyway, she says she doesn't believe that he is. She said he wants to call me over trivial, stupid stuff that he doesn't need to call anyone about. At least I know I'm not the only one who looks for reasons to hear his voice. I keep remembering what you told me believer....actions speak louder than words. He says he's ready to let go, but he continues to try to find reasons to call or talk to me. He says that he's done, but he continues to find reasons to try to come by our house. His actions say that he isn't done. But, I don't want to hope. I just want to be still....

When will this stop being the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning? I even dream about it. I feel like I'm ready to move on and I don't want to think about it, but it's so difficult. *sigh*

Still doing well with the no contact (even though it's only been a few days), but I feel like I'M going through withdrawal. I prayed for a long time today the fell asleep. I slept so heavily that I didn't hear the phone rang and it was very near. I dreamed of the OW and my WH and just kind of letting go. I woke up feeling empty....in a good way. I had prayed about letting go of the bitterness and anger that I have inside of me...not just from this, but from other things that have happened in my life. When I awoke....I felt better, I felt free and empty like I said. I asked God to cut out the roots of past pain and hurt....and I feel that he did. Of course, things won't happen overnight, but I feel better.

Also, I checked my email when I woke up and my WH's grandmother had emailed me to tell me that he had called her....for the first time since all of this happened. She is such a strong christian woman and thinks that I need to let go and let God, as she says. I don't know what God is trying to tell me....if he is trying to tell me anything. I don't want to try to find false hope in anything, so I'm not. I just feel....good.

Ayane, have you ever tried yoga? I think it would be a great help for you right now.

I used to do yoga quite a bit when i worked a third shift job. There was a yoga show that came on at 5:30a and I would exercise right along with it. It was great. My children do yoga...I just haven't in a long time.


WH called and left a voicemail to let me know that he was going to keep the kids this weekend. He said that I could just talk to him since it was cheaper for him (he has a prepaid cell phone now) instead texting or whatever. He said he would be spending the money for child support on getting minutes!!! I was like...WHAT? I don't have to talk to him to get these things set up, he can talk to the girls or we can go through his parents. *sigh*

WH called and left a voicemail since I didn't pick up the phone. He was talking about something that I had written to him previously, about a happy memory that I had of us. He said that it wasn't a happy memory to him anymore because we were so innocent then (it was before we married) and we had the chance to make something wonderful and we messed it up by hurting each other. He said that he it couldn't be a happy memory to him anymore because he didn't feel that way about me any longer. Then he said he can't wait for the day that I can talk to him no matter who he is affliated with.

WHY? Why would he say something so incrediably hurtful to me? What kind of thought process is he using? I just don't understand. I'm sorry that we both did hurtful things to one another, but that doesn't mean that our marriage isn't salvagable. *sigh*

Sorry for the multiple posts and bad spelling BTW. I'm terribly upset right now.

THEN he calls back and says that I shouldn't think that things are cut and dried and easy for him either. But, that this is the best thing for everyone involved. He wants to talk in person or on the phone. He says that who he associates with shouldn't matter since we will be in each other's lives for the rest of our lives.

Of course, it DOES matter who associates with since this is someone that he has chosen over our family. *sigh* WTH is he thinking? Really? I just can't imagine.

"He says that who he associates with shouldn't matter since we will be in each other's lives for the rest of our lives."

It sounds like he is trying to bagain with you. This is typical for waywards. It sounds like he doesn't like Plan B and is trying to bargain a way to end it and be able to have you as his friend.

He's been trying to get me to talk to him every day. However, if how I felt last night is how I'm going to feel when we talk, then it's obvious that I can't. What he said was so hurtful and mean. I just don't understand someone not wanting to work on their marriage. I've been out of love with him before and wanted to leave....but I didn't. I stuck it out and fell back in love with him. *sigh* I don't want to talk to him because it just makes me feel terrible that he can turn our sweet memories around and make them bad.

There is one thing that has been bothering me lately almost more than anything else. How do I get over this need I have to be affectionate, to be touched by another adult? I really miss hugging and cuddling and SF. It's becoming harder everyday. I know that my WH hasn't seen the OW in almost two weeks, but that doesn't mean he hasn't spoken to her or been with someone else. Who knows with him. But, I can't just turn to some random person. Not only for the fact of STD's, but there are other things. It just wouldn't feel right. *sigh*

I would not listen to his messages. When you hear his voice, delete them. Or better yet, leave the answering machine OFF and don't answer the phone.

Try a long body pillow to hug. I know how lonely it can get.

It's so very lonely. I wish I could be like him and just go out and look for someone, but that wouldn't make me happy in the long run, I would just feel worse. *sigh* I also wish I had more patience, because this waiting things out is getting to me. I want to know whats going on now, either way, but I know that waiting is better. It gives us both time. But, it's so hard.

It also hurts to know that my WH doesn't want me sexually anymore or in any other way. It kills my spirit and my heart. How can you go from loving and wanting someone all the time to it not being an option?

This is the major point of Plan B: protecting you from the horrible pain that occurs when you are in contact with your actively wayward husband. You must not be in contact with him or it will hurt you. Don't listen to anything he says, literally.

And don't waste your time trying to figure out why he says things that don't make any sense to you. He wants to get his fix of you and he's trying to convince you to provide that. Don't give in. It won't help you recover your marriage.

I know what you mean about feeling lonely and the need for physical touch. I recommend getting your hair shampooed at a salon and/or a massage. Do not seek out another person for physical intimacy.

Yeah I don't plan to go find someone. I just don't understand why he hasn't filed for divorce yet if that is what he wants so badly. If it is, I'm sure he could get the money from his parents. I know that the OW's parents will kick her out and all that if she has contact with him but he doesn't seem to to care and he still doesn't want to be home or with ME. That hurts so badly. He just really thinks our marriage is not fixable and that I don't do it for him anymore and that is that. I just don't get it.

I keep wanting to think that it's fog babble, but my heart says NO, that he really means it and it's over for good this time. There is no going back. It really, really sucks.

Why do wayward spouses not divorce their husbands or wives when they separate or leave for the other person? Why do they keep them hanging on?

I spoke with my MIL tonight and we talked about my WH a little and I said that he kept saying that he wants a divorce. She said, Ayane (of course not my real name) if he wanted one so badly, he would have already saved his money and filed. That really made me think. Why hasn't he filed already? When she told him the other night that I had spoken with a lawyer, she said he almost had a mini freak out. Ugh, I just don't get it. She seems to think that there isn't going to be any divorce, but that could just be her wishful thinking, I don't know. She says that he spews a lot of crap, but he's not doing anything about it, so if he wanted away from the marriage so badly, he would have already filed and wanted nothing to do with me. She says this no contact thing is killing him....haha

And believer, LOL, I know, I know. I shouldn't be talking to my MIL about all this while in Plan B. It's hard when she brings it up though!

Ayanne,

Be careful talking to your MIL. She is telling you how your WH is acting, so you should assume that she is telling him what you are saying and how you are acting. Remember, no matter how much she loves you, he is still her little boy, even when he is being a total jerk she will still love him. Be careful not to tell her about MB and your plans. If your WH was to read your posts on here right now his wayward mind would twist everything you have written. He probably would not see how much his wife loves him and how much she is fighting for her marriage, but he would probably twist it into you playing games. Just like he twisted your happy memories into something bad.

Hang in there. Do you have any friends that can support you? I know just hanging out with my sister and brother was a tremendous help for me during my difficult times.

Actually he is her stepson, so there really isn't any maternal instincts for her there. She never had any children and she is more of an animal lover actually LOL. She loves him but he isn't her biological son so she feels a little differently, at least that is how she puts it.

But, you are correct. I do need to to watch myself. I don't know what to do. I have friends, but I'm sure they are tired of hearing me talk about the same thing all the time. I have one sibling, but she is only 12 and lives in TN anyway, as do all my family members. So, basically all I have here are a couple friends, my WH, my in laws, and the computer. It really sucks. He has many more friends than I have because I was so leery of making new friends after he had an affair three years ago with someone that I considered my best friend. I don't know. *sigh*

I still want to know why WS's don't divorce the BS right off the bat. Is it because they want to cake eat?

Oh and my WH texted me to tell me that sex with me isn't an option and that he isn't having sex with anyone else, but he doesn't want me at all. I don't get it?