Just wondering if anyone else out there has dealt with this and what everyone thinks. DH says it's a big fantasy of his for me to have OM.
Is there even a name for this? I tried searching old posts with no luck.

Sounds like Pandoras box to me and once its open you can't put it back. Think of your self-respect. While there seems to be a small group of people in the world that can live that kind of life styly, I imagine that its filled with empty souls, the lost. But that is just my opinion.

Maybe your husband can be the OM - role play?

Oh there is a name for it, ADULTERY. And it is about the most destructive thing one can do to a marriage. Is your H having an affair himself? Why would he want to destroy your marriage?

Infidelity, Prostitution, some even dress it up and call it swinging.

Does your H already have an OW?

Yes. Have an affair with your husband. That might actually be a fun game.

I tried playing the affair game with my exww after she cheated.

I can't say it was so much fun knowing it happened for real.

But I was a doormat then and desperate for any kind of affection from her.

So if he hasn't cheated and you haven't cheated, then it might be fun to pretend you're strangers.

But then again, we say in the military "train the way you fight" so it may not be the greatest idea to simulate infidelity.

So hard to say.

But if he's pushing you to do something with another man while he watches.....

That's messed up.

He might need help. What kinds of morals are these?

I'm all for fun and play within the realm of a healthy marriage, but I would not recommend making a game of even pretending adultery. Adultery is an ugly, ugly thing, and not something to glorify for entertainment purposes. Pretending in that manner can be the first step down a very slippery slope.

Sorry, I should have been clear. You don't need to role play that you are cheating. You can role play that he is someone else, she is someone else. He is another man, not the OM.

Ok, well here's the thing I should've already said. He was a WH and an absentee H for many years. I was crushed and crippled emotionally by his infidelity. I had always saved myself for marriage, had high standards, etc. There were separations, counseling, etc. He has pushed this issue saying that it would make me more "interesting" to him and that it would make me feel better about myself.. .feel wanted, etc and also level the playing field, so to speak (knock me off my moral high horse!).
So I did. He knows about it but has still continued to suggest it continue.
I'm completely confused. I do not think he has an OW currently.

I just always wanted a husband that would cherish me, fight for me, and keep me for his very own.

There is a HUGE difference between swinging/group sex, and having an OM.

I assume he has no desire to get his jerk on while you IM an OM, or meet an OM for lunch. So we're talking swinging/group sex, which to most people isn't cheating unless you do it without his knowledge and approval.

I'm no prude...BOY am I no prude. My W and I have done nearly everything two people can do legally, and loved most of it.

I'd be concerned about your H having such a fantasy AND being willing to allow it to happen for more than one reason. Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who was cheated on.

1. You've gotta wonder what sort of boundaries he has if he thinks it's OK for you to have sex with another man. Could he really think sex between two married people is special if he's willing to share you for a thrill? Could YOU think it's special if you agree to go through with it?

2. Would he assume he's "entitled" to have sex with another woman, even if he says otherwise to you? Think hard about this one. Most people are not that selfless.

3. It's not that uncommon for a WS to suggest swinging or an open marriage to try and gain "permission" for what they are doing, or to relieve their own guilt for their actions. If you are "allowed" to have sex with OM, then what they are doing in secret is OK, too...at least in their minds.

4. I think such a request shows a lack of respect for you and your marriage, even if such a lack of respect was unintentional.

5. Why bother being married if you're going to sleep with other people? Really, what's the point? Larger tax returns?

My advice is "don't do it".

So are you saying you ALREADY have an OM? I am confused.

So, he really does want you to CHEAT? With an OM you've already been with?

I thought you meant you'd have sex with another guy while he watched or something. This is messed up.

Sorry, but I'd bet my last dollar that he's currently cheating on you, and this is his way of relieving his guilt. See #3 in my post above.

The fact that he has "pushed" the issue makes what I'm saying even more likely.

I guess its a good thing he didn't tell you it would "interesting" for you to jump off a cliff!

SHEESH, why are you behaving so badly? And why are you, a GROWN WOMAN, blaming him for your stupidity? How about some accountability here?

You are completely confused because you HAD an affair.

Now the water is really muddy.

Sounds to me like your H is abusive and still involved in an A himself.


Do you want to save this marriage, if so then...
YOU need to call Dr. Harley immediately!

Link to Dr. Harley for counseling appointment

No kidding!

SSTORM..are you saying you believed cheating would make you feel better about yourself? Surely not.

In response to:
Poster: sstorm
Subject: Re: Husband WANTS me to cheat,,,???

I just always wanted a husband that would cherish me, fight for me, and keep me for his very own.


Have you talked about this with a MC? It seemed obvious from your first post and now this one, that you do NOT want to continue down the path with OM. He thinks you being with OM will make you more interesting. Honey, from the way you sound in these few post I think this will strip you from yourself and lead you to a place of no return.

I wish I had some place to point you to for guidance, but really the only time I've ever heard of a guy that wants his wife to be with someone else is from a person I have utterly no respect for. The things that he has done and would be willing to do repulse me (I have been called a prude by friends - ironic I know). All I can think of is how this guy is/was. My thoughts are with you.

storm, how many times have you committed adultery because your "husband told you to do it?" Are you still in contact with your affair partner?

Yeah...be like the 60-70% of married couples out there...how interesting!

It would be more interesting to have a marriage in which both spouses are completely faithful. How kinky!

I certainly don't expect most people to understand my situation, and therefore I DO expect to be judged harshly. I didn't mention my OM right off because I'm struggling with the main topic and there's so much of it and it goes so deep that I feel like I've got to take one little piece at a time. I'm truly struggling with so many issues.
Maybe I'll be able to post more later...

Actually, there is a name for it. It comes under a sexual paraphilia, or fetish, called zelophilia.


Basically, a zelophile is someone who is sexually aroused by their own jealousy. I guess its a cousin to masochism, except involving emotional rather than physical pain or humilitation.

Psychologists note that there's probably a touch of it in many people, and that it serves a biological purpose. They've found that a BS will often become aroused and have greater sexual desire for WS. They call it hysterical bonding. Biologically, it may be driven by trying to mate and procreate with WS before OP can do so. Who knows.
see:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ10