I have a general question, and would appreciate any tips or advice.

First, some background. My FWW finally stuck with a NC agreement, after several false starts, starting about a month ago. She went through withdrawal, and now we're working on recovery and reconciliation.

When A was discovered, and she indicated she wanted to end it (this is during one of the false-start NC's), I demanded to know about the A and all its details, as naturally most BS do. Boy, did I get an earful. My FWW has a high libido, as did her OM, while mine is moderate. OM also had a condition called delayed ejaculation, meaning he couldn't reach orgasm, despite all stimulation. So, I heard how WW and OM would have sex, literally, for up to 5 hours, essentially non-stop. They did every type of sex, and every position in the book. OM is basically an experienced player, and WW loved the education. In the past with me, oral sex, at least on me, was about as often as a blue moon, and I haven't a clue as to this anal sex thing. And, as far as we were concerned, there were three positions.

I vomited. Literally.

Anyway, to my point. We're trying to reconcile. However, most times when we attempt to be intimate, when I see her undressed, my mind starts flashing up all these images into my consciousness of the two of them and all their sexcapades. Needless to say, its a real mood-killer. The only time I seem to get past it and have some sort of intercourse is when I'm either drunk or when I first wake up and still half-asleep.

FWW has been totally understanding and patient, but I sure would like to get back to normal sexual relations.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get the mental images and movies of their affair to stop playing in my head?

My heart goes out to you Galoot. That is why I never asked for details. I still have their text messages running through my head like some sick power point presentation and it has been a year since I found them.

Would it help to change your surroundings. FWH and I went away almost every weekend last summer.

God's blessings,
Say

I too struggle with this, Galoot. The imagery is constant and unbearable.

Based on what FWW has told me there's was not nearly that extensive, but I still wonder if she's really told me everything. What she has told me was a very basic not particularly detailed account. I can't help but imagine there was more to it but she's not elaborating. Makes the effort to even begin to try to regain trust incredibly difficult.

With that being said, I second the request for tips on how to get the unwanted x-rated film clips to stop.

I don't want SF to include images of that POS forever...

Guys. I feel your pain on this. I too had a very hard time breaking the movies in my head.

I can understand that this is a mood killer.

Some people have posted that to get past this, ahem, hump, you almost have to approach your spouse as a physical object and not as your spouse.

The love making disappears for a while. I've heard this from men and women on this board.

So the solution is to outdo the OM in all the escapades. There is some weird libido thing that kicks in (some claim is biological) that makes a wayward more attractive and a BS then becomes rather aggressive sexually in terms of libido.

Some members here have mentioned that they had to get over the betrayal by creating their own new crazy SF that was not love making but just flat out nasty SF, ahem, f-ing.

Once the pain of the betrayal subsides you can start seeing your spouse as your spouse and start making love, but for a while it is just nastyness until you can get past the movies and mental images in your head.

I'm guessing that it helps that you're replacing these images in your head with new ones you're creating.

Some FWWs here acknowledge that there is a certain animalistic approach to make up SF. There's a certain "reclaiming of territory" that is performed by both men and women getting their waywards back.

If SF is not an option for thought stopping, then try praying the rosary or singing a song or doing something that repeats over and over in your head to get the thoughts out.

I hope this suggestion helps.

...maybe baseball statistics?...

Quote: So the solution is to outdo the OM in all the escapades. There is some weird libido thing that kicks in (some claim is biological) that makes a wayward more attractive and a BS then becomes rather aggressive sexually in terms of libido.
Some members here have mentioned that they had to get over the betrayal by creating their own new crazy SF that was not love making but just flat out nasty SF, ahem, f-ing.

Ahh, now I understand. I have not turned into some weird crazed nympho. That is good

I too find that the sexual impulse is stronger. I wouldn't say that I find FWW more attractive though. Perhaps a slightly lower opinion of her makes it easier to be a bit more freaky...

Galoot,

Unfortunately, the strategies I found useful in getting rid of the images.....also got rid of my physical desire for sex. I got very good at sending the images away and finding detachment, but with detachment came loss of drive.

Talk about a buzzkill. sheesh

However, it's not all bad news. Over time....the length of detachment necessary to block out the images got shorter and shorter and eventually....they eased....reduced....now they're barely a blip on my radar. It wasn't easy, and it did take a concerted effort on my part (and it always will)....but <for me> I couldn't imagine a real recovery that was void of sexual intimacy....so I persevered and did what I could without losing my own integrity.

I'm sorry this has happened to you Galoot.

Actually, this did happen. The weekend after I found out about the A (I'm generally out of town on business during the week) not only did we do a lot of yelling and shouting, we were also in bed and did it something like 8 or 9 times. Same for the following weekend. WW was loving it, getting so much from two guys. Then I was stupid enough to ask for, and get, the blow-by-blow details of their love-making. Goodbye libido.

I got this trick from another poster on here, but I don't remember which thread or who posted it.

Basically what you do is when the mental movies start and you are picturing your spouse in bed with the other person you tell yourself that you are no longer going to let the other person have this power and you kick them out of your bed.

I actually have done this a few times. I actually had a conversation in my head during sex where I said to the OW "hey skank get out of my bed". My mental movie even included my kicking her butt out of my bed and her falling on the floor and then she disappeared. Now mind you I almost started laughing and I got a big smile on my face which I am sure my H thought meant he was performing really well. So it was a win win situation, both H and I had a good time.

I know it sounds a little crazy, but it has been working for me.