Well I'm back again. My H & I seperated 2/2007 and divorce happened 2/6/2008. For years we have been on and off with lots of ups and downs.

Just a little about the situation....Shortly after we seperated, we started trying to work things out. I then found out that he had moved a girlfriend into our home and exposed our child to her. Needless to say I felt betrayed yet again because I was under the impression we were working things out because we were talking daily about getting back together. We were seeing each other and spending one on one time together as well as some family time together. When I discovered his girlfriend had moved in, I filed for divorce & informed H. The girlfriend didn't last long and before I knew it he was knocking at the door asking to work things out. Obviously trust issues. Many infidelities in the past on my now (I think) ex-H part.

At the time I was living with family and decided to get a place of my own. Things were going really well between us so I decided to allow him to move in and give it one more shot. Things had not changed at all. He was still as lazy as ever, Completely not responsible with money, and still disrespectful towards me verbally. About one month later we had a huge argument over all of this and I told him to get out and I was going to proceed with the divorce. After he moved out I started seeing somebody that he knew. This was the first time for me that I had seen anyone other than my H in 15 years. H discovered it by following me and sitting outside of my work. Needless to say, I quit seeing this person in a couple of weeks because I wasn't ready for a relationship and needed to focus on myself & child. Again we (H & I) started talking but only as friends.

Now I must say that during our seperation in Feb 2007, He never gave me a dime to help out with our child nor did he ever agree to pick him up and spend time with him other than when he wanted to introduce our child to his girlfriend, which I was not aware of. He also quit paying the mortgage on our house (forclosed on now) and never paid the utilities while living there. I was paying the utilities so what he was doing with his money is a mystery because he had no other bills. In the meantime, H was fired in January 2008 for a bad attitude at work. Ex H is not a bad person and usually everyone likes him but the stress seemed to get to him and it effected his job.

So as of 02/06/2008 divorce was final. Ex H was never notified of the date of the divorce because he never responded to the papers he was served so we divorced on default. He was out of town at the time on an extra job and when he returned, I informed him that the divorce was final. He was furious only about the child support.

In April 2008, Ex still jobless, I agreed to let him move in to help him out because he had no money to pay rent and they were kicking him out. He of course is saying and doing all of the right things since then. I helped him to find a job and he got his first check on 5/15/08. Things have been going really well and we have been getting along Great. My guard is up because I'm not sure if he can or will change and this is just a way to get back in the door for good.

He came to me today and told me that when he filed to have child support lowered (which I don't get because he has had no job) it voided our divorce and we are still married. He wants me to call my attorney and he call his to call off the entire thing so we can remain married. I thought I was divorced so this came as quite a shock. I told him I wanted to talk to my attorney (which I have called and left him a message to call me)and find out what is going on. I could tell this frustrated him and started telling me that my attorney was stupid and didn't know anything about how to handle a divorce.

I guess I'm crazy but I have no problem living with him and trying to work on things from here as we are but my concern is that this will not work out and we are back to square one. Atleast if the divorce goes thru (assuming we are not divorced)then if things don't work out then I don't have to worry about going before a judge again and putting out more money to get a divorce. Atleast child support will be in place so hopefully I will get something for our child.

Any feedback is appreciated. I'm in total shock right now

Before you call your attorney, get out the divorce papers yourself and read what they say. If he didn't respond by a certain date, then there might be a default divorce. It depends on your state. And perhaps you need to do something to get the "official" stamped version of the divorce decree.

But, why would you trust him? He hasn't paid a dime of CS, and when you did him a favor the first thing he did was to file for lower CS? That doesn't sound like he was protecting your family, it sounds like he was protecting his finances alone.

My divorce decree states you cannot live together after divorce.

"He came to me today and told me that when he filed to have child support lowered (which I don't get because he has had no job) it voided our divorce and we are still married. He wants me to call my attorney and he call his to call off the entire thing so we can remain married. I thought I was divorced so this came as quite a shock. I told him I wanted to talk to my attorney (which I have called and left him a message to call me)and find out what is going on. I could tell this frustrated him and started telling me that my attorney was stupid and didn't know anything about how to handle a divorce."

My first thoughts were that he is bluffing about it voiding your divorce, that he wants you to call the attorney to just call it off with no inquest about the validity of his claim regarding child support to either attorney. That's why he got upset, because he didn't count on you wanting to ask the attorney more questions. (Insulting your intelligence if you ask me.)

And while you're on the phone with the attorney, I'd ask about him living there and what it will do to the validity of the divorce.

In my state, not paying child support is the one unpaid bill you can go to jail for not paying.

Frankly, I would look into having his paycheck garnished for the CS. I'd get a real handle on this CS thing. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is recognizing the cost of CS versus the freedom of divorce, and he's trying to worm his way back into your good graces so you can remain married, stay under the same roof, and nix the CS.

It's a lot cheaper, they say, to stay married and work on things than to pay CS. He's probably caught onto that now, but I'm just wondering what he's willing to do to have you 'just call the whole thing off.'

I have to wonder if he's taken a closer look at the decree, sees some loop holes, and is playing you like a violin. (AKA - if you live together it nixes the divorce, perhaps?)

Not only does he not have anyone supporting him without you to pick up the slack; he also has no money to pay his portion for his child's care. He sees the writing on the wall now, and he knows if you two stay married, he doesn't have to stress about it.

What are your boundaries/rules? Do you have any for him? Has he agreed to counseling and forking over a good portion of his pay for bills?

I don't have my certified papers with me but I have the draft. I have looked them over and it says nothing about not living together after divorce. By the way we are in Texas. I called the court house and talked to the district clerk and she stated that what she has on file are final divorce papers and we are divorced.

My attorney has not called me back as of yet, but he was aware that I allowed ex to move in to help him out. It's a very strange situation because we are not really living together as man & wife but as room mates. There is nothing I would love more than to have my family unified and move forward but I'm scared to death and I feel with good reason. When I told my attorney he said that is fine and we would proceed with working with his attorney on the child support being lowered. In Texas The child support is based off of your income. When the divorce was final, he was not working. The judge asked me what he was making when he left his last job. They then lowered that amount by approximately $2000 stateing that he could make atleaste that much money. My attorney even asked for it to be lower than what it was because we both knew he could not make the payment the judge was setting but the judge refused it. I have no problem lowering child support but within reason. Based off what he makes now child support should only be about $400 per month.

I do feel this is a money game on his part but he claims it is me. I have told him that I have not once asked him for any money to help with bills since he has been living there nor have I even mentioned child support. I also told him that child support is not about me but all about our child. I make a very good living and really don't need it BUT, it is his obligation. My thought was to take that money and put it into an account for our child for a later date to help with school or whatever is needed for our child.

You are also right about trust. I said earlier that where his money went was a mystery but I know where it went. Girlfriends and a good time. I'm tempted to go home and boot him out because I'm so angry right now but I know that would devistate my son. I'll update you when I hear from my attorney. Thank you so much for your feedback

"I make a very good living and really don't need it BUT, it is his obligation. My thought was to take that money and put it into an account for our child for a later date to help with school or whatever is needed for our child."

Just be very careful not to lead with your heart in this. Be savvy. Know what you're getting into, and just watch how he handles his paychecks. If you see them wasting away on frivilous things and not helping with the bills, you can pretty much figure he didn't want anyone else dictating how his pay would be spent, even if it were for his child.

If he isn't forced to pay the child support, I would add up a few bills to equal $400 and tell him you'd like him to take responsiblity for those or give you the money to pay those bills. See if he will do his part. You can always shift your own money over into a separate account for your son.

Sorry to say, but if he refuses or can't seem to get a handle on his own money spending, you're going to keep supporting another 'child.'

And...I'd keep very close tabs on what he does and who he talks to when he isn't working.

The last thing you need to see or learn about is him spending his would-be CS money on another woman.

Play it smart. Don't let him play you the fool again. Consider this a temporary arrangement with him being on 'parole' for a good long time.

It may be better for you to adopt the mindset that you ARE divorced, you are NOT getting back together, and you are ONLY helping him out for 2 or 3 months.

And...if by chance he's really interested in getting back together, he'll get counseling, spend quality time with his son, and help with the bills. The burden of proof lies with him, and your original plans stay in place until then (assuming).

This is just my .02. Not necessarily what's right for you, but what I would try to do if I were in the same position.

ps - One thing you need to remember, dear, is that the CS is your son's money. He has a right to it, as this man's child, and whether you need it or not is irrelevant. Your child is entitled to it and should get it. He'll need it some day, and it's not anyone else's place to turn it away. (No offense meant to you.)

I realize there are plenty of people who just won't pay CS, and plenty of situations where peace and getting away from someone means more than dealing with the issues of CS. However, if it does come down to permanent divorce and your ex is not abusive and/or psychotic, you need to advocate for your son and get it for him if you can.

Soolee thank you so much for your response and advice.

When I allowed him to move back in it was very clearly discussed that this was only temporary to help him out. Since that time yes things have progressed between us as far as getting along, help with our son and around the house. I told him at the time of move in I would not ask for money until he got on his feet and got a job in regards to child support. I did lay out what I expected him to do in the meantime like keeping the yard, not being a slob, helping with our son like giving him a bath and stuff. He has done everything I have asked and alot more. I know he is trying as far as that end goes.

I am of the mind set that we are divorced and want to keep it that way. I have become so strong in the last year and Yes....I'm proud of myself. My self esteem was so low that I didn't even think I could do it alone. I know it sounds dumb but I can even mow the lawn and make repairs on a car now, change a tire and yes even the oil. I have made myself learn so now I know I can do it.

I'm very guarded where he is concerned. I want to do the right thing for myself and my son. He is definately on parole and I don't see him getting a pardon anytime soon. It's going to take a long time.

I definately will be watching how he handles his funds. This will be difficult to a certain extent because everything is seperated since the divorce but it is doable. If I see he is being frivilous as before, I am prepared to stop helping him and he is very aware of that. This was made crystal clear when he moved in. I refuse to help somebody that will not help themselves. And your right I do not need to raise another child.

I went and got my certified copy of the divorce and it states that his wages are to be garnished. I want to keep it that way. I think it is best for my son.

Msgreeneyes, either your ex is incredibly ignorant or he's trying very hard to manipulate you. Neither one of which you need in your home.

Get rid of him. In my book he was trying to trick you, and that's bad.

"My self esteem was so low that I didn't even think I could do it alone. I know it sounds dumb but I can even mow the lawn and make repairs on a car now, change a tire and yes even the oil. I have made myself learn so now I know I can do it."

I think it's great that you've learned how to do these things, and I can understand your concern to do what's best for your child and how confusing it must be to not KNOW what is best at this time, but when parents live together, the best gift they can give that child is the security of knowing his parents really do love each other, respect each other, and want to be together.

If your ex husband can't handle the responsibility of helping with the bills, being a decent father, and staying faithful to you, it stands to reason your son's exposure to him may be better off limited. Don't we women often act like our mothers? Don't we tend to mother our kids and run our households like our mothers did? So, it's just something to keep in mind.

He can still see his dad, regardless. And it's sometimes the case that a noncustodial parent becomes a better parent when they live separately. Not always, but sometimes.

If it does come down to you two trying again, you need to use his desire to work it out as leverage to get mandatory counseling for quite a while, financial advice from an expert, and maybe even parenting classes together, maybe even start going to church as a family. Certainly couldn't hurt anything, right? It's just something to think about. If he really wants to make a go of it and is sincere, he'll do it.

In the meantime, have you gone to the doctors to be checked for STDs? You really have no idea where his former girlfriend has been or who she was with prior to or during their relationship. (And if you haven't and do go to the doctors, I would be sure to let your ex know where you are going and why.) It's important that he understands that he jeopardized your health (and your son's also) by what he did.

and one more thing...

If you two DO ever decide to really work on the marriage, I still think it would be good to have a secondary plan for you and your son in the back of your mind, and the greater the detail of that plan the better. I think it may help keep you emotionally strong and secure if you do that for yourself.

Your husband can't be trusted right now, is what I'm saying. You really don't KNOW what his true intentions are; that's something that he has to prove and something that consistency and time will tell. You can't go by what he says. You have to form your opinions by what he does (or doesn't do.)

Do you have a copy of your husband's ss card? I hear it's important for CS purposes? Don't know for sure.

Great News...I took it upon myself to call the judge who ruled on our divorce. She stated that yes we are DIVORCED and the only issue is the child support and some modifications to the papers which she says are minor. After that call I received a call from my EXH attorney and she said that the divorce is pending an that we are not divorced. I made no comment to her and told her to contact my attorney. I tend to beleive the judge. My attorney has still not called me because he was in court yesterday so hopefully will hear from him today.

As far as dr. check ups for all and everything, I have been tested and all is good. My Ex is fully aware that I have done this and I insisted he have the same even though there is nothing going on between us at this time. He agreed and all came back well. We attend church everyweek as a family and that has been going really well this far. As far as counseling, I completely agree. The first financial counseling is next week and fortunately it is through the church so cost is not a factor. Well see how that goes and if he listens.

I'm not ready for counseling together at this time but I have been going to individual counseling to work on myself. It has helped tremendously. My counselor has advised me to set a time line on the living arrangement. I'm looking at 60 days to see how he does with his job, his attitude, his responsibilities etc. However even if he passes the 60 day mark I don't see a pardon any time soon. He is walking a very thin line right now so your right, if he really wants this he will man up. I have not pushed him about marriage counseling but I will push him on individual counseling so hopefully that will help him.

As far as the trust issue...NO I have no trust for him. I want to but it's not there. He claims that the trust is now with me because I dated somebody for 2 weeks after he had already moved out. I admit it was wrong because legally I was still married not to mention I wasn't ready for a new relationship.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I can't even express how much I appreciate it.