Tonights topic at my AA meeting was fear and trust.

As I sat there, I realized I am completely fearful that I will be alone. I know that I have friends, people who care about me, etc. And I really am never alone because I have G-d right with me. And he really is all that I need.

But I'm afraid, I will never have passion in my life, or someone to share a kiss with or hold their hand, or sit on the couch and snuggle or have a warm body to cuddle with at night and talk about their day. I'm afraid I will always be someone's throw away.

I know stinkin thinkin, but it's real to me right now and I am going to go write about it and just own it and then ask G-d to help me walk through it.

TRUST, all I really have is my TRUST in G-d, that ONE DAY this will pass.

It is so weird how all these affairs are breaking up and yet the one in my life is stronger than ever. Well that's a lie, I have NO CLUE what's happening over there.

Just rambling..... I want to talk to someone tonight and my kids want to watch tv.

Hey you.....

It may seem like affairs are breaking up, but have you noticed the whole new crop of newbie's that have rolled in lately as well?????

And yes, you are in Plan B, so you don't know crap...or at least you better Not...(get it...Not said Not....lol).

Fear??? Sounds like you need to re-read the fear post....I think its by Ark?? Anyway, you are not alone...and Passion??? Are you kidding me??? Queenie, you are probably the most passionate person on here....jeez......

And heck, your WS may think you are yesterdays trash, but you know what they say about that???

"One person's trash is another person's treasure" and honey, you remind me of the painting someone bought at a garage sale and behind it there was an original copy of the Declaration on Independence....so BLAH...On your WS...

Ok...I am SO in a mood tonight....

not2fun

Hi Queenie-(JT waving from up north)

I'm still around keeping up with your thread. Just wanted you to know.

Queenie,

A good set of advice is to stop fretting over what may or may not be--that future thinking. You have absolutely NO idea what will happen. You'll get to where you NEED to be. Being lonely can be tough, and longing for that level of comfort that has been lost is normal. Find ways to soothe your soul when that thinking comes in.

I remember you comparing yourself to Not, wishing you could have the chance that she has. PRoblem here is, your WH is not the same man as her WH (as far as we know) and suffering thru a false recovery is very damaging. Hold tight for the real thing, and get busy taking care of yourself. YOU CAN DO THIS AND BE HAPPY.

As for having a man in your life, I understand where you are coming from. To be honest, I remind myself, when i start thinking about this, that having PWC was no dang good. I would lay in bed ALONE while he lay on the couch. Waste of time, IMO. You want a REAL MAN, not some facsimile that is blurred and distorted.

((((Queenie))))

Hey girlie....get your butt into bed and you got mail....sweet dreams princess.....

not2fun

ps....gosh I so love posting under my old name....

Hey NOT,

I was getting better night's sleep, but not lately. I toss and turn all the time now. I'll stay up awhile later and pray for a deep sleep.

How are you doing? How was your day?

I have to say, I was the MOST PRODUCTIVE I have been in a year. And it felt SO GOOD.

I walked in the pouring rain to my AA meeting and it was cold, but so awesome. I felt alive in a way. Last year I could barely walk, this year I am walking with confidence and singing in the rain.

SL, Your words are so comforting. I would venture to say that NO, NOT'S and my WH are NOT THE SAME.

My head hears what you are saying, my heart, well, my heart just still hurts. I take care of it and nurture it and try not to be too hard on it. All the while keeping one toe in front of the other.

I truly am able to see how far I have come. It was not something I thought was possible. It's far from over. Today I am better about giving it to G-d and leaving it there. And since today is all I have, I'll take it and enjoy the end of Boston Legal.

SEASON FINALE.... I love this show.

I got a call from WH's best friend and his message was.... Either WH is in total denial or more in command of his life than anyone deserves to be.

Needless to say it's obviously effected me because there isnt't anything I can do and I HATE IT....

Is it possible that WH is in total command of his life and I am the absolute crazy one? That it's reasonable behavior to walk out on a long term marriage, abandon children, everything remotely connected to integrity and be in total command of your life?

I'm really scared for him? WH needs prayers, please?

What's the friend's agenda for telling you this?

What kind of questions did you ask?

You guys were talking about a person who is DEAD to YOU?

Shouldn't you have said: "I don't want to hear about him or I don't want to talk about him?'"

I'm kinda biased. Turns out I realized that my H's BF was trying to hit on me. My H doesn't speak to him anymore and his wife stopped speaking to me once she learned about the affair...

Ooops.."hit on me" means "to rap" or flirt or get something going on..you know what I mean..

I can't imagine him having any agenda. We go way back, but I was always WH's gf/wife. He is happily married and completely content in his life.

Actually I didn't ask him anything. I called him about two weeks ago to bring him up to date on what I was doing in Plan B, that I still wanted my M, and to see if WH continued to not give me money could I borrow some until my house sold.

We didn't talk, he left this on my VM.

This friend is my only link to my H, and I guess honestly I wanted some reassurances that I'm not crazy, because I really think I'm loosing it in the reality dept. This friend is the one person that I think WH would reach out to if he ever needed help, and I wanted him to have no doubt that I love my husband and want my M.

Actually as my H were dead to me, I would call him more often and talk about the memories of my H. Because we shared so many fun times. And I don't have anyone else to help me remember those times.

WHAT? Why are you saying THIS? Why would you think you are CRAZY?


I was referring to your need to try not to think or talk to him during PLAN B? Remember shaking your head when you think about him?

What's up, Queenie????

Because I think I just simply FORGET what a good LIAR and in DENIAL PERSON the WH is.

He TALKS such a GOOD talk and I am shaking my head thinking HOW CAN HE DO THAT? I know... Sadly I know.

Honestly, what's up is a 4 day weekend, and I HATE having such idol time on my hands.

And I'm a little lost in the FAITH dept. So, I'm going to go talk to G-d for awhile and ask him for help. Can you pray alittle for me please.

I'm heading out to a dueling piano bar to occupy tonight. That's on thing

I love you Mimi. Thank you for everything.

(((Queenie))))

Thinking of you....

I also will hate this long weekend.

Queenie and CL,

Nothing witty or uplifting tonight. I'm way too tired for that.

I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you both and have been happy to see the great advice you are both giving to others these past few days.

I'm so sorry you have to endure a holiday weekend alone again. I remember that feeling all too well.

Mark

{{{{{{{{{{{{CL}}}}}}}}}}} Let's talk this weekend and help each other through it ok?

{{{{{{{{{{Mark}}}}}}}}}}} This like Thanksgiving,was the one that we spent totally together.

G-d must have some really good blessings for us one day, eh CL.

We just can't see them tonight, so I'll help you keep the faith if you help me, OK?

((((Queenie))))

Read your email from Charlene, and then go check out the Mass readings for today.

God sent me another little blessing yesterday in a prayer mail.

The LORD has hope for us today my dear friend.

Hi James,

I did read the email from Charlynne this morning. I would say it absolutely appropriate. Despair..... What a great topic for me.

I would say it's almost scary how most of the emails if not almost all of them always deal with what I am dealing with.

I don't have the link at home, can you give it to me on here and I will check out.

I know EXACTLY what you mean..

And I am so not willing to get into a right versus wrong battle with anyone, one because I choose not to, and another because I'm not looking to fix or prove a point. Just gather information.

Can I ask you a VERY backwards question? Partly because of my mind playing tricks with me and partly because I simply am not grasping today.

Can the WW truly come off to the rest of the world as someone who has total command of their life and is doing amazing?

And this wounded person loves you being protective of her.

I LOVE YOU TOO...

You may not be asking me, but my answer is, SURE, why not? PWC does a great job of it. Nobody outside of our family and close friends even knows he had affairs. I exposed to his work, so if some of the HR people are still there, they probably know, but otherwise, he's not talkin about it. Nope, I'm sure all is close to the vest for him. Why would you go about telling people you're an adulterer?

Also, the affair juices keep them flowing for quite some time, I'm sure. They are on top of the world, cloudy as it is.

Reality is not something they live in, at least not until their bubble bursts, and it comes rushing in. The kids are a mess, the house is going into foreclosure, or must be sold, the divorce is almost done, the OP is becoming a bore/nag/cheater. I'm not sure, but I would think it relatively easy to exude a sense of assuredness to the rest of the world until the above begins to happen. Even then, those who stuff their pain/anger/sadness will still show no signs of cracking, probably until they actually DO bottom out. Just from my own observations and opinions formed over time.

I've simply chosen to look at it this way.

She didn't bother to tell me things were messed up enough that she wanted to leave.

I doubt she'll tell him either.

I imagine in the pecking order of things I'm going to be among the last to know if they're having issues.

I can read the tea leaves all I want.. I can speculate all I want.

Truth is.. she blindsided me when she was home and in my arms every night. It'll be a 'suprise' when things bottom out with the A too.



ETA: Perfect example of this is that she was -very- excited with family and friends for our 3rd wedding anniversary.

10 days later she was gone.