Browneyes,

remember right now the affair is new, it's fun and it is a fantasy. Sooner or later real life is going to hit them, and most of the time affairs do not last.

Your WH is in the fog so take everything he says with a grain of salt.

Keep posting here, I found alot of strength here and keep working on you.

Thru my whole mess I grew alot as a person, I had to address alot of issues I had that contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.( I was not responsible for his choice to have an affair, he has/had to own that, but I am responsible for some of the problems that where in the marriage)

You will make it thru this.

F-26

Brown:

I can understand how you may not feel like it today. But, in trying to help you with a PLAN, could you share more about how the affair got started? You may have done this earlier but I missed it.

Have you done all the EXPOSURE that you can?

What's the story on the OW?

I'm questioning about whether to tell her employers or her parents.

Thank you Q & F

Mimi - well i was living with my dad for the most in the last couple of years as he was unwell and i had lost my mom. My H resented that - well that is what I gather now, at the time, he thought I was wonderful for taking on that responsibility. In the last year I started putting on weight and i felt ugly. He stopped sleeping with me. The OW used to ring every now and then, but i guess more so when i wasn't there. Just b4 Xmas she told him that she was in love with him, but she didn't want to wreck his marriage - a few days later they ended up in bed together. She is the total opposite of me - quite outgoing and the party - drinks to the point of getting drunk, smokes, dresses provacatively. I am quite conservative, don't drink, don't smoke. (and neither does he)
His family know about the affair and think he deserves to b happy with someone else (they never liked me much). They both work in the same company.

The OW is nine years younger than him - he is 35.
She has been living away from her family who are in another country for a long time. Her family i have been told is broken. She has some family (aunts uncles) here but she doesn't seem close to them. She has had 2 broken relationships before this where the guys dumped her after making promises of marriage or sth i think?!
She moved in with him within a month of the affair.

Browneyes:

Your WH has the best of both worlds right now.

He has you as a "fall back" and he is living with OW.

OW WANTS and NEEDS you to be bad to him. So it makes it easier for her to "bond" with your WH. Us against You. Understand?

Her calling you and telling YOU to back off. Too Funny.

You need to start Plan A'ing, and doing it properly and stop worrying about OW.

He MARRIED YOU.

He's LIVING with HER. Because SHE put out, and needed a place to stay. SHE recognizes her tenous position. That HE can throw her out at ANY TIME. SO, she keeps pressuring YOUR HUSBAND to end his M with YOU so that SHE can have him all to herself.

DO NOT MAKE IT EASY FOR HER. DO NOT HAND OVER YOUR HUSBAND ON A SILVER PLATTER.

SHE tells YOUR HUSBAND to tell you to FILE. And then you DO. Don't do that. LET HIM DO IT. She will keep pressuring HIM, and HE will pressure YOU. And if you then do the dirty work, then he gets brownie points with his OW, HE feels better because "Well, she wanted a D, so I'M not the bad guy"

I know the papers are at the lawyers, or WHATEVER. Just STOP. Do not do anything on the legal front. If HE does something, then you have a certain number of days to respond, USE ALL OF THEM. OR respond with additional questions. TO DELAY MORE.

Now start plan A'ing.

Take him coffee at his office.

Run by some Chinese or Thai for lunch. EVEN if he isn't there. Leave the container. With a note. "I always enjoyed the "Kung Pow" with you..... Even if he doesn't eat it, he HAS to throw the container away, right?

Send chatty Emails. Talk about football. Not your relationships.

If your WH is talking to you and mentions OW, as in "we are doing this or that" Change the subject. Talk about what you are doing. Ask about HIS work. Or GO back to Football and the team you support together.

HE needs to put OW in your face. To get you the ACCEPT. It makes it easier for him. Change the subject and Don't talk about her. You can come here and vent about it, but with him, you act like when you were dating. Sweetness and light.

You have only been at MB for a week or so. You have been living the nightmare for many months. You need time to get your proper footing. Queenie didn't start well but has done well with it. So can you. You might NOT recover your M. But you WILL RECOVER.

MB is about a PLAN. And that all we need. A Plan.

Now you have to implement it.

LG

On Xmas day H had to go to his family overseas (which is the same country as where OW is from).
He stayed for longer and she went there as well. He introduced her to his family as a work colleague. She apparently then went and met his whole family in different states.
He came back n said he wanted out but didn't tell me that he was having an affair. That he was tired of my being with dad and he wanted to explore alternatives.

LG - thanks 4 all ur advice it really helped.
I am just dreading the long weekend without him
I am going to the gym in 10 mins for my induction - NEW ME - HERE I COME!

So she is his same nationality and you are not?

Were you living with your father?

Don't worry..I'm just trying to get a better understanding...

I totally get this, but as one amazing person says, this is stinkin thinkin - shake your head and try to focus on something different. Like what do you like to do, or what is something you have always wanted to do?

Good for you, come join us on the GODDESS thread and tell us all about it.

Yes Indeedy!! This is GREAT!!

I BLEW IT BIG TIME! I SPOKE TO HIM ON THE PHONE and lost the plot. I am so upset with myself - i want to cry like hell.

What do you mean?

We were talking about general stuff, and then i somehow got on to the topic about some guy at work, he split up with his wife as she accused of him molesting her cousin.
He had to spend a night in the cell, but now they have reconciled.
He said that the guy must really love his wife and he said that what would happen if that happen to us, and i stupidly said we would not be able to cope with that.
We somehow started talking about our relationship and he said stop trying to force me to come back.
He said there is no marriage to save.
We never had a marriage.
He now wants a new life and that he doesn't ever want to come back to me and that i should not tell him that i love him or call him honey, or handsome or anything.
We can only be friends and that he does love me but that love has to change to something else.

He said that he just wants me to be friends with him. And that I should speak to him like a friend only.

He said that i am only hurting myself by trying to save our marriage and that i am very persistent.
Just bcos i love him the most and that i might b wonderful but i might not be what he wants any longer.

I told him that if he wants me to act in a certain way then he should also keep her away from me, he should also respect my wishes. He said that i should only b his friend - i can never be his wife.
He said i shud stay within my boundaries.

He said i had him for 6 years and now that is over and that he is now hers.

It's OK.

IGNORE HIS CRAP. It's from the WS HANDBOOK.

My H said the same CRAP whenever he had the opportunity.

He is trying to steer you off course.

He wants you TO AGREE so that he will feel less guilty about what he is doing..ABANDONING YOU....

Repeating myself: MY HUSBAND SAID THE EXACT SAME CRAP...

I told you, he wants to be YOUR FRIEND.

Hold on. We're going to fix that but ONE STEP AT A TIME.

From now on, ONLY LIGHT POSITIVE CONVERSATION WITH HIM, especially about memorable places and events from your past..For example: "I love DC in the springtime"; I had some great chocolate chip cookies that you like yesterday"..ADD in STUFF from your past that ONLY YOU TWO know about..that she cannot share...Yes, LIKE A FRIEND..play up the FRIENDSHIP..cause he seems to cherish that part of his relationship with you...

NO MORE RELATIONSHIP TALK with HIM!!

Let this particular conversation go..and move on...

He won this BATTLE...

You will WIN the NEXT BATTLE against this affair..

HOW WAS YOUR WORKOUT?

I also told him that he is doing that so he can justify his guilt, so he doesn't feel bad. He said well if i continue being like this then he will stop talking to me.
This was the only time i lost control - i have steered off being emotional.
He said i always get emotional, and that see i hv now got on to Anti Ds.