My wife and I have been married for almost 25 years. I found out through her she had contacted a high school boyfriend on-line. (I'll try to learn the acronyms). She said she did it to get my attention because I was not giving her enough. Which is true. Our marriage has been on the rocks for a long time without us getting help in resolving the issues. After finding this out I became suspicious about it. She left her email from him open one night and I read several of them. Many were sexual in nature. They also included times they could meet eventually. WS and OM live states apart. I confronted her about it and she said it was just a fantasy she was having. I called her out on it and exposed it to her what it was.

I did expose the affair to the immediate family. She has no parents but a brother that is living with us. We also have 4 children 23, 19, and two 17 year olds. They have exposed their knowledge of the affair to the OM. I did leave the house but am going back tonight. For the past 3 weeks we have seen each other on the weekends. She wants sex and says she doesn't love me but doesn't want to have sex with any other man. I have scheduled a counseling meeting with one of the counselors recommended on the site.

I have been lurking on here for the past month and have tried to meet her emotional needs. I have not gotten angry with her no matter what hateful things she has said. She still tries to tell me it is just them being friends. But she wakes up early every morning to check her emails from him. She still calls him on the telephone also.

Comments welcome.

First off, you should have never left your home ... you did nothing wrong. However, what's done is done ... its time to find a way to move forward.

You need to set some BOUNDARIES for your WW, and the 1st boundary should be "I will not live in the same house with a W, who is carrying on a relationship with an OM".

If you go home, your WW needs to understand that is your boundary, PERIOD. That means NO CONTACT (NC) with OM for LIFE. If she won't commit to that, then its time to evaluate your options of removing yourself from this ABUSE.

Since it hasn't gone PHYSICAL yet, your chances of nipping this in the bud is good, so long as you stand your ground and not allow yourself to become your WW's doormat.

You'll get advice from some wise people, but your wife IS in an affair, make no bones about it.

States away or not, they WILL eventually meet in person, if they are left unchecked.

I'm not like everyone else, but I would immediately remove the internet from my home indefinitely. I did it, actually. I only post here from work.

You'll want to keep a CLOSE eye on her cellphone usage, too. Get copies of phone records if you can get your hands on them, either through snail mail or online. You can be nearly certain that she's communicating with him using it, assuming she has a cellphone.

Nip it in the bud now, and listen to the wise folks here.

I do plan on removing the modem from the computer when I get back home. Again she just reiterated to me the OM and her are just being friends now. Five minutes ago. But like you said she still has contact with him through cell phone usage. I can get her records.

As a FWW I can tell you that their is a possiblity of an A but because of living so far apart it's unlikely.
My A started as "just friends" so don't accept that. She has to have NC with OM period otherwise the temptation will remain there. Just because they live apart don't mean they can't meet up someday and then the A turns physical.

I recommend "His Needs Her Needs" by Dr Harley Jr, my husband and I read it and it helped us alot in realizing what we were doing and not doing to improve our marriage. We also got "Love Busters", "Surving an Affair", and "His Needs Her Needs for Parents" all by Dr Harley. The first 2 books we got at Books a Million but the other 2 we had to get off this website. I would suggest getting any of them off here they are cheaper. But they also offer CD books for those, like my husband, who don't like to read. But I'd suggest reading them together because there are questions to answer that opened our eyes to how the other was feeling.

It's all a matter of whether you both want to save your marriage. If you both do than it is alot easier to move forward and improve and bring the love back into your marriage. "His Needs Her Needs" is the best book for that I think. It helped both my husband and myself in learning what it was that we did that made us fall in love with eachother and helps keep that feeling alive in your marriage as long as you both are willing to follow the advice Dr Harley gives. After we read the book we were the happiest we have even been since we got married so I strongly suggest it to everyone I know.

She already IS in an affair, even if they never meet.

Oh, and the "We're just friends" stuff is pure crap. Every cheater says it, and it's always a lie. Ask to join in on one of their conversations, like you could with any other "friend", and you'll see.

Ditto this sentiment exactly. They are already in an Emotional Affair. And i did ask my FWH if i could go to his FOW house with him one time as they were "just friends" as well.

Needless to say the answer was NO.

Sorry I didn't mean they weren't I was talking about phycailly in one. I know that came out wrong that was what I meant phycailly, yes they are in one emotionally. Sorry. Thanks for correcting that.

EWSII,

Internet affairs are what I lived with for the first 3 years of my M. They are just as devestating because they are emotional affairs (EA's). You need to follow the no contact (NC) rules just like it was a physical affair. There needs to be a NC letter and her committment to it, etc.

Be sure to listen to the guidance that you get, much of it will be step by step. There is a process that you need to go through as she comes out of her fog. It is very addicting for them and she is getting attention in this fantasy land. You will also be given guidance on meeting her needs in Plan A. If she refuses NC, you will get guidance on protecting yourself if she chooses to continue in this and moving on to Plan B.

Just pay close attention, try not to react without thinking, but whatever you do, TAKE ACTION!!! This is real and your feelings are validated.

Good luck!

This isn't the first time this has happened. I caught her almost 15 years ago swapping sexual emails with someone she didn't even know. The internet was new and I blew it off as a error in judgement. I am not the saint in all of this either. I have had anger issues over our marriage. I am constantly working on this. I did have a lapse 4 weeks ago when she told me she would do everything to make me hate her. At that time I went back home and tore up letters and cards she had given me over the course of our marriage. I also tore up our wedding pictures of the two of us. I left them scattered all over the bathroom. I wanted revenge for what she told me. But three days later we were in the sack together. This is when I started looking at this site. I was and still am confused about her feelings toward me.

Thanks everyone that is giving me advice. Please keep it coming her and I need it.

Get into marriage counseling pronto.

Sounds like she is deep into an emotional affair. You do need to expose the affair to important people in her life--people who support your marriage. It does sound like you may have exposed it in anger though?? Do you have a plan for exposure? Is the other man married or have a girlfriend?

When you expose the affair, you need to keep calm and let people know that you want to save your marriage. You can ask them for their advice and assistance in saving your marriage.

It seems hard to meet her emotional needs when you have been out of the house. But when you go back, you must control your anger. It is good that you are seeking counseling from someone on this site. I am certain that they will tell you that you must control your anger. What strategies are you using to control your anger? If you take the modum out--make certain that you do not use any disrespectful judgements when you do it. Stay very calm. Let her know that there cannot be three people in your marriage and that is why you want her to stop contacting him. Another idea would be to keep the modum in the house and just install a key logger. That way, you could see what they are saying to each other and keep track of what is going on better.

What are her emotional needs? You need to start meeting them and show her that you can change and become a better person. Can you tell us more about your anger issues? Have you ever gotten physical with her?

At some point, you need to get copies made of whatever photos you can that you destroyed and get them framed and put back into place. Your actions will speak louder than your words.

She is involved in an emotional affair and EAs with old boyfriends/girlfriends can be very dangerous to a marriage. She is getting those strong feelings of a new exciting romance rekindled and you need to step up to the plate and start meeting those needs. Remember, you are not to blame for her EA. She is responsible for making very poor choices by getting involved with him. But you are fifty percent responsible for the state of your marriage. Have you read about Plan A?

Yes I was physical with her once 15 years ago but only because I felt my child was in danger. She said I did another time but I don't recall that. As far as my anger I have it under control. I have made a commitment to do that for her and myself. It is destructive behavior and it has to stop in order for me to save my marriage. I would rather be married then mad. She has said some awful things lately and would have got me angry before but I just sit and listen to her scream at me now. Not because I don't care but she has some right to vent after this many years. I for sure yelled and screamed my fair share over the last 24 years.

As far as exposure I had my adult children and I e-mail the OM. I didn't find his GF yet. But I may not have to. Friday I told my wife we did this and it upset her a lot that we had done this. I went back to the house Friday and told her she could stay or go. She left but was back within 3 hours. She also canceled the internet before we even arrived at the house. She was really angry we had done this and even wished I was dead. The I hate you's and any other hateful things she could come up with. I had made an appointment with the counselor June 4 and she wanted me to cancel it. But I didn't. By Saturday she had agreed to go to the counselor. Sunday we didn't talk at all. By Monday afternoon we had 3 of Dr. Harley's books. By this morning we sat in bed and talked for an hour. We were late for work. She still says she wants a divorce. Maybe with the books and counseling we can turn this around.

I'll try to keep this updated and see how it goes.

I forgot Saturday not only did she agree to counseling she also completed the EA needs questionaire. Monday we completed the LB questionaire. Discussed them together without interrupting each others thoughts. We haven't had talks like that in a long, long time. So I agree with a lot of folks here that the books are also needed. Like I said we got all three. In Love Busters book if you read the first 18 pages or so it pretty much reflects our marriage and she related to that. I did too and I can't apologize enough to her.

My wife has identified her most pressing EN is financial support. I have started a new business and it didn't profit in its first year. Almost causing us to lose our house. Thankfully a relative came to the rescue. The business has picked up but now trying to make up lost wages is still cutting into profits of the business. Hopefully a couple more months of continued growth will put it on the right path.

Being my wifes #1 need I went to make some extra money last night. It was not suppose to take long. My wife had just bought some movies and wanted to watch one with me. Hooray we get to do something together. I talked with her first about going and what I needed to do. It should have been a fairly quick job. Instead it took me an extra 30-45 minutes. By the time I got home she had gone to bed. I knew I had blown it when the job took longer than expected. Since I had made some money I also stopped to fill up the car with gas. So more time away from her. I feel as that put us back at square 0. Whatever progress we made I lost all of it in one fell swoop.

This morning she had a bad headache. I tried to get her coffee and make her feel comfortable. She did not accept any comfort I offered her. Well a little later she tells me it pisses her off when I try to wait on her. Well when things were going good I always got her coffee in the morning. She is simply rejecting any affection I show towards her.

I've finished reading HNHN. I wrote and highlighted items in the book to remind me later of what I need to do. I started on LB. Both will get read by me again and thoroughly work on those areas that I need to repair.

Well its been a week since I last posted.

Things seem to be getting better. Tomorrow we have our first counseling session. I have not been getting angry any longer. I have suppressed those feelings for now. I hope they don't ever come back. I do still feel angry in certain situations but now I know when it is about to come out and control it. I think this has made the biggest difference so far. I not only control it around her but also in every facet of my life. She has told me when we go to work every morning that her day would be ruined when I got angry with drivers and traffic around me. I have stopped angry outburst in the car also so it is pleasant for her to ride with me. During this period I have also quit smoking. Its only been 3 days now but I am not going back to smoking. Talk about trying to control anger while not smoking is even more difficult. I would feel irritation from the nicotine withdrawal but use breathing techniques to control it.

We have talked more in the last week about meaningful topics then we have in many years. We are allowing each other the time to finish our thoughts and speech. This really had been the biggest problem of communicating with each other. We are also considering each others feelings. Our biggest test will be with finances. This has been a problem from day 1. I believe financial discussions between us will also improve over time. I am hopeful that we are going to be able to continue our marriage for the rest of our lives. She has even talked about long term plans which include me. She has also made some changes for me which has helped my self-esteem.

Now as far as the OM goes I don't really know how that relationship is going. She has told me he has also been reading this site and is totally into it. I hope it also helps him with his marital problems. I know she has told me she has emailed him but not as the OW but as a friend. I know there should be no contact and I believe he is trying to hold true to it from what my W says. I can't confirm any of this of course. I am more worried about doing my part in building a strong marriage. I pray that the EA will end and feel it has ended at least to the point they are talking as friends. I have had trust issues with my W for a long time and am trying to take all this in stride. If I continue to think they are still in an EA it eats me up inside and pressure her to tell me more. Of course in the back of mind they are still in the EA.

I'll post tomorrow with the results of the counseling. Thanks for listening.

((EWSII))

You are doing a great job!!

I do want to point out that you are setting yourself up to fail though if you think you can do this all without NC being the ultimate end result.

Looking forward to hearing what the counselor has to say. Be sure to be forthright in everything, both your accountability and the current situation of the EA.

The fact that she is still in contact with the OM, even as "friends" is not healthy for your M.

Good luck E!

This is EWS's wife. I wanted to add my thoughts to this discussion.

EWS and I have been married 25 years, much longer than most people on the site and in the books. We only dated 5 months and lived together for 2 of them. As EWS indicated we have always had a rocky relationship. By year 4 we began counseling due to the physical violence in our family. EWS has admitted to some, but can not accept all of what he did. I continued the counseling for anger management and it worked, but EWS did not attend and we continued to argue and fight, but the physical decreased.
Each time the dynamics became to much we simply had another child and turned our attention to it and went on with life. We have 4 children and now 2 grandchildren.
My career developed where I started staying gone long hours, so did EWS. We hired people to raise our children. Good Christen people thank goodness. I became very happy in my job, very depressed in my marriage. Both of us finally went into withdrawal and short bursts of conflict. We lived separate independent lives. Money problems were series. We have been in foreclosure 5 times in the 7 years. Resentment and anger built in both of us. Both of us had an emotional affair, which EWS forgot to mention. He stayed gone every Friday night for the last two years. I too began an emotional affair online. EWS caught me and we went into series conflict, but for some reason EWS wants to save our marriage and I am giving him the chance.
At this time I feel I no longer love or even want a relationship with him. I had planned to divorce EWS as soon as our children were finished growing and with one left at home that would have been very soon. I had fantasied about leaving and developed a strong sense of purpose through it. I had started to regain my "core values" as learned in the book "You don't have to take it anymore" I highly suggest it. It is written for the abused woman and EWS has completed in it a week. He understands more about what it will take to regain my love and even though the process is long and painful for both of us we are trying it.
I must say EWS HAS CHANGED! Our children called him Oscar the Grouch all from a small age. He is the type that does not greet you in the morning and just a few weeks ago while I was having an asthma attack he stepped over my body and went about his business. He didn't even ask if I was o.k. Now he is paying attention to me and talking with me. Again, this process takes from 6 to 9 months before I am suppose to START to feel better. Long time! Our children have started to notice and come around more. We are in Christian Counseling once week for an hour.
I will keep you posted.

Mr & Mrs EWS,

This is great news! It sounds like you have a strong recovery plan and that you are headed in the right direction.

Have you worked on the EN and LB questionnaires? These have helped my H and I tremendously in owning both of our parts in the Infidelity. I will admit that when I have been upset with his behavior, I have wanted to hurt him in the same way and retaliate with an A. I won't sacrifice my own Christian values for it, but having those thoughts gives me reason to evaluate myself as well.

I hope that both of you have looked to this site for support as the MB way is a way that you can save your M.

Good luck and God Bless!

Thank you Ms. WifeEWSII for giving me another chance to show you how much I value and respect you. We have a long way to go to heal our marriage still. I hope we get to grow together for the rest of our lives. We all know the vow till death we part. I would also like to honor the rest of my vows to you.

I do take the blame for failing to support, protect and love my wife the way I should have over the past few years. I don't think rocky is quite the way to put our marriage. A chasm the width of the Grand Canyon had formed. We both developed independent lives of not only each other but with our children also. The whole family was hurting.

I have had a revelation of improvement of my self image and what I value most of me. This was the main problem with our relationship. It is what continues the resentment I thought I had against my wife. She had mentioned I may have had resentment against another person I love that had carried over in our relationship. Along with a story of a baby abandoned in the desert. These two concepts brought me around to a self-actualization. This has made a tremendous impact on me and my relationship with my wife. It has helped control the anger and anxiety I had.

Ms. WifeEWSII can we freak the counselor out tomorrow and sit next to each other and hold hands on the couch? Instead of sitting at opposite ends? I do have to hand it to our counselor he has tact and experience in these matters and is a good Christian person. He does find us quite a challenge and has said as much. Now we have a chance to make our counselor happy. I'm sure it would make his job a lot easier if we were a little more compassionate to each other.

I love you Ms. WifeEWSII for giving our marriage another chance to be what we both always wanted.