|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 40
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 40 |
Haven’t posted in a while. MrsZ and I have been working with SH, and I really needed only a single filter for a while to help me through this. I’ve seen a lot of posts lately on BS’ feeling like they haven’t gotten all the details yet, and I felt like it was time to post where I am. I certainly didn’t get the details after D-day. As a matter of fact, I was lied to by FWW withholding horrendously painful details, and outright lying about others. I got to be the recipient of so many D-days, I ought to have a medal, or at least a badge that reads “sucker”. After most of these new “details” were revealed, I had what I term as an “inappropriate emotional reaction” i.e. telling her she’s f’d up, telling her she’s not working hard enough on R, etc... She terms as this as “emotional abuse”. She’s the one who gets to define what abuse is, so that’s what it was. But really, what’s the point? It’s like arguing the about the level of wrongness. The point is, it’s wrong and it damages our Marriage. So how do I get to this place where this wrongness happens? I get there because I EXPECT her to lay every detail I need to know at my feet when I want it, I EXPECT her to meet my level of wanting to Recover, I EXPECT her to know the gut-wrenching pain she gave me. She can never live up to those expectations. So I’m trying a new approach. I have no EXPECTATIONS, therefore I cannot be disappointed. I know that sounds pretty fatalistic, but there is a positive to this. It allows progress to be made without it getting shattered by my judgment of the quality of that progress. And that’s how I gauge whether or not we can save this marriage. I ask the question every week, “Are we making progress towards having a happy, intimate marriage (the goal)”? The amount or quality of that progress determines how long we’ll be in Recovery. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, who knows? It’s all up to the amount of progress, but I don’t EXPECT that we’re on a timeline. Knowing this prevents me from over-reacting to any disappointment.
I have a printout that FWW made of a Microsoft Outlook Calendar detailing her A, month by month, from the day the EA and PA started to D-day. 30 pages (2.5 years). I overlaid my appointments on top of that, looked at all the text messages she sent on those days, recalled what I was doing on those days, etc... I was obsessed. I have the roadmap, the puzzle pieces, and the details. I now plan on shredding it. Why?! Because we must get past it to make any progress. It serves nothing more than to keep me mired in the past. I try not to bring up the A anymore, and it gets depressing sometimes when I don’t talk about it. I guess that’s why I want to start posting here again, but progress can’t be made while I’m looking in a rear-view mirror. It’s taken 4 sessions with SH just to focus on how to clean my wound out and let it heal. SH hasn’t even broached how to start fixing the Marriage yet. It’s hard to start a fitness program with a gaping wound in your chest. The wound is cleaned out, now I just have to stop picking at it and let it heal.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916 |
You are in good hands with SH. By reputation, he will NOT waste your money or time.
The great pitcher, Satchel Paige said:
"Don't look back, something might be gaining on you."
He had other simply quotes that said a lot:
"Mother always told me, if you tell a lie, always rehearse it. If it don't sound good to you, it won't sound good to no one else."
and
"Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money."
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching."
Larry
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 15 |
I got to be the recipient of so many D-days, I ought to have a medal, or at least a badge that reads “sucker”.
That is great, at least you seem to have a sense of humor about things, and I've found that life is better when approached with one. I hope you the best towards your recovery.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 40
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 40 |
Sometimes a sense of humor is the only thing that keeps my mind from dwelling on how bad it still hurts. Some days are harder than others in that respect, but it's normal I guess.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033 |
Dude, "I have a printout that FWW made of a Microsoft Outlook Calendar detailing her A, month by month, from the day the EA and PA started to D-day. 30 pages (2.5 years)."OMG!! I have NEVER heard of such detailed info! And I have been here awhile. I thought I was a wacko by printing out all the phone billings, using my different colored highlighters and matching credit card charges, but golly, you have really raised that bar, my friend. I don't mean the wacko bar  but the detail gathering bar. Yes it is probably time to shred it all. The obsession does any recovery no good. " I EXPECT her to meet my level of wanting to Recover, I EXPECT her to know the gut-wrenching pain she gave me. She can never live up to those expectations.""Amen, brother. No WS will grasp the faintest hint of what gut-wrenching pain we BSs experience, unless they too are a BS at one time. We can not expect them to understand. You are on the right track for recovery when you don't have those expectations. Keep posting. kirk
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880 |
I sometimes wonder if we wouldn't all be better off if we'd had no expectations of our spouses from the day we were married.
Given my personal experience and the most reliable statistics, which I was not aware of prior to d-day, it was foolish of me to NOT expect my W to cheat at some point.
Divorced
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 40
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 40 |
krush,
There are certainly a few gaps in the calendar. Some months are blank and I know she was SFing in his office but in 2.5 years, I can't expect her to remember everything. And that's the irony. One of our big fights was my EXPECTATION that she remember EVERYTHING and it should be on that Calendar. That was just crazy. She did put a HUGE amount of effort into it, from looking at time stamps on some files, to photos just so she could get things right. Not good enough for me though. I expected more, so I went off again. Stupid. I don't need anymore "details". It can't change anything and I know enough to get myself physically ill. Time to move off center and make progress.
krazy,
Interesting point. We're certainly all capable. I did expect my wife to protect herself and the marriage. That worked out very well. Welcome to MB Mr Zonie.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
430
guests, and
63
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
