My H has been living in anther state for 2 years, I stayed here with kids because of my job in case his did not work out. It did not and he came home two weeks ago. He left last week to help a friend and I discovered that he flew back to where he was living. I have suspected for a long time now that has been having an affair. He always denied, would call me crying saying how much he loved his family, kids and me. He always told me he loved me on the phone. Last summer was when I really began to suspect and he had plenty of opportunity to tell me and leave. He continued to deny. When I called him last week and told him that I knew where he was and enough of the lies he still conitued to deny and finaly admitted that he is having an affair (he first said I did then said and still am) and that he loves her. He aaked if I want a divorce (I had looked into this past Janurary but decided that with two kids I had to try everything to work it out) I said "No" I think that surprised him. Two hours later he called me back and ended the converstion with "we will talk when I get back and I love you" Now he is not coming back until next week - he will have spent 8 days with her - it is a plane ride back and forth so unless he is moving her here (it is possible) he wont be seeing too much of here any more. I kept my cool the entire timed we talked, every time he calls to talk to the kids I am friendly and nice - I don't say I love you and after that last time he has not either - but when he comes home do I sit down and talk to him? I want to say I am willing to work this out but both of us are going to have to do some hard things to get past this I also had planned on mentioning that it is the right thing for out kids to work this out and come out on the other side better and if he says no I don't want to work it out, fine but I want to give him 4 weeks to find a place and move out. I would still be willing to try and get things together, but if he is not willing to stop seeing her (it has been going on for over a year but he we were living apart) or contacting her then he has to leave. I plan on being very nice, calm and colected about it but is it the right thing to do?He is the one who said we would talk when he gets back. The affair is out in the open now.

teach,

So sorry you are here. Get the book Surviving An Affair. Read up on the site on what to do to recover from this affair, but no contact will definitely be key. Since this could have been going on for the 2 years that he has been gone, be prepared for him to be in a thick fog. There is a way to recover and fight for your marriage.

So sorry again. There is alot of great information on this site!!

Good luck and God Bless!

Welcome to MB. Please read up the basic concept and the first posts on this forum to get you going.

The basic things to keep your M are Care, Protect, Radical Honesty and Time. You live separated life, that is a no no in MB. He failed to protect his EN from OW and this is the result of it. When he returns after OW fillin his EN's, what do you think he would react if you confront him ?.

Read up MB and understand well the concept ... it might or might not help your M ... but surely you will learn a lot about M.

-rh-

Teach,

Welcome. I am glad you found this website. It has LOADS of great information.

I agree that you need to read the basic concepts and get the book Surviving an Affair.

You're M can succeed, but it will need to be something that both you and your H are committed to.

First and foremost is to expose the affair to everyone who might be involved...friends, family...anyone that could help put pressure on H to end it. He will probably be angry about it, but your M has little chance if the affair doesn't end.

If it doesn't end...read up on Plan A.

Second, once the affair is over, get H to write a No Contact Letter to OW. This tells her that it is over, he will NEVER communicate with her again, and that he is committed to your M.

Also, read up as much as you can about "fog-babble" and the wayward mind. Your H may come home and tell you all sorts of things about your M, rewriting what you saw in your M, reasons for his A, things you did wrong...be prepared for this. Your H is an ALIEN abducted by his A. He will not be speaking truthfully and you need to be aware of that. It's not even so much that he is consciously lying...just that he is internally justifying the A so that HE doesn't feel as bad. It's an addiction and he's protecting his need for a fix.

Keep posting here. You are doing the right thing by not exploding. That will do you NO GOOD. You can get through this.

I am only a few months into recovery, but my H and I have started the process after his 3+ year affair...it is possible. Many have done it here.

Teach,

IMHO you have let him off much too easily. You are intitaled to anger, pain and grief. There is a big difference between sel-control and being a door mat. If he is so sorry and so anxious to save his marriage, why didn't he come home? You must establish your own boundaries and stick to them.

Read everything on this site. Order the books. Can you afford to counsel with Steve Harley? FWH and I are almost one year into recovery and I wish that I had immediately called the Harleys. My FWH actually told me that I forgave too easily. He was right. Forgiveness must be earned to be appreciated.

Say

Dear teach:

I know it would be difficult, but I might suggest, IMHO, to demand no contact, but then be a little patient about demanding he leaves. You would essentially be jumping to a Plan B. I would suggest instead implementing a Plan A whle he's still at home. By him leaving, he will again have the opportunity to conduct his A in secret. It would also thwart the purpose of a Plan A if he wasn't around to see the potential benefits. If after a reasonable time with a Plan A he hasn't ceased contact, then a Plan B would be appropriate, including having him leave.

How old are your children?

HIRE a PI in the state when your H is with OW.

You need data. Is OW married?
Does OW have kids?
Do WH and OW work together.

It is imperative you KNOW these things about OW independent of what your WH tells you ... The adulterous lie - all the time.

Once you have the correct data - time to expose the affair (NOT to the adulterous who already know about the affair - expose to family - friends- pastors- OW's spouse- and their supervisor if they work together)

shine a light on them - the fungus and decay of adultery needs to be exposed to the light before it can be completely removed

do NOT threaten or pre-warn your WH with any of this - in fact - button your lip about everything you read on this site

Pep