I wanted to start a new thread for this update and search for opinions…

Almost two months ago my XWW filed criminal charges against me, the bulk of it was harassment. I am still a bit miffed over this situation considering the continued harassment, control and demands I received myself from her leading up to that day.

Well, Monday was my court date. Long story short, she played crying victim, perjured herself (lying by omission), my attorney turned out to suck and the judge reamed me. Not a good day, its over, but I lost. The protection order was also dropped.

I spoke to my children that evening, they called from my XWW’s cell phone. They have their own phone which I got for them. I kind of wondered if this was just a test to see if I would answer a call from her number.

Tuesday after 3 or 4 calls from her cell I called her back as she had a problem with my DS12. I spoke to her about 10 minutes concerning him then the conversation turned to that of apologies and I missed you. She wanted me to know how sorry she was for what she did and that she missed talking to and seeing me (personally I think her affair partner discovered how much she was trying to communicate with me and pushed her).

Ok, I let her speak. I said little, no I missed you to talk from me. She had to run and wanted to call me back, I told her I am not sure if I will be available. She called a few more times and I never answered. Later she called back to let me say goodnight to my kids. She asked if I would agree to meet her for breakfast this morning. I had a few things I wanted to say to her so I agreed (I did not want to chew her out or anything).

I met her this morning and the beginning conversation was mainly about the children and catching up on what has been going on with them. It then turned to I miss talking/seeing you talk, maybe a bit more emotional now… I was not exactly sure how to respond to this, I just sat there listening and said little, I was not cold or mean but I did not play along.

We left and before I was out of the parking lot she was calling my cell to ask me something she forgot, if I had listened to the CD she gave me during the protection order. I told her yes. She then asked me to not get mad at her for asking this , but wanted to know what I would say if she told me that she wanted me back. I told her I did not know. She told me that she planned on asking me if her and the boys can move back in with me two months ago but then the thing happened and she filed those charges. She loved me, wants us back together, etc…

This raises a crap-load of questions. For starters, from what I hear she is married to her affair partner (she was wearing no ring), he is building them a home. WTF? Am I really to believe anything she is telling me. I am not going to mess around with a married woman and I definitely am not going to jump right back into a relationship with her just because she misses me.

Yes I still have some feelings for her but felt I was done worrying about US, now im just as confused as ever. This just seems all to crazy for me, I guess I just wanted to see what others think.

--

Move back in??? Are you insane?? BABY STEPS, BOUNDARIES...POJA.....it took me over a year to move back in....establish trust....it is not that simple....

I miss you, take me back??? WTF????

MrLU,

First, find out if the marriage rumor is true...you can ask your kids if they were at a ceremony...look up online if they are married...and if they are not, you decide what you want most in your heart for your life...then you act from it. If they are, would you be willing to expose to her A H? I don't consider affair husbands to be betrayed husbands, unless they have a decade or more under their belts.

If you decide your marriage is what you want most, then make boundaries, determine progressive enforcements for when they are crossed, and vow to YOURSELF to enforce them.

Come up with a plan...MC (set number of sessions before moving in), no contact letter...a written reconciliation contract stating you both are giving this a go for three months, and a signed confession that she did indeed manufacture evidence against you and press charges through false report. She's apologized, the confession is the amends.

When you envision setting these steps, how do you feel?

Your divorce was lightning quick...not a lot of time to process, getting that doing all you could do and walking away feeling awesome about all you learned time...

This could be the second chance to conquer your fear by not acting from it...and if you don't choose to reconcile, there's no shame in it. Just looking out for your health, growth, and knowing your own power and limits...no blaming, ignoring cycles...

Just like Send says...babysteps for clarity...no rush.

LA

They usually always try and comeback.....after the fog has cleared and the fantasy has run its course. MrLU.....whether you want to go back into that situation or not is a decision that you are gonna have to think long and hard about. Your EX seems very impulsive and believes she can get and do whatever she wants. IMHO, the only way for her to be helped is to leave her alone. By letting her come right back, will just further let her know (in her own mind) that she is still in control. I would be very carefull with this one.

PS. My EX wanted me back a couple of years after our divorce too.......problem was, I was happily remarried.

She is married. She confessed to me in an email, she was afraid to tell me face to face (although I already knew before she told me). She also told me her reasons for doing so. Most were very poor reasons (financial, insurance, etc).

I have spoke to her often the last few weeks and have met with her several times. She says that she loves me and needs me in her life and would like to see us get back together. Her problem, she has no job, some medical issues which is why she needed the insurance and no place to go which is why she is still with her affair partner/husband.

I have told her this week that I do still have feelings for her and that I would like to see us get back together sometime but I was in no rush to jump right back into a relationship with her. Especially considering her situation (living arrangements, marriage, etc) and mine (just getting back to work and having no place of my own to live).

So what will happen with this I do not know. I would like to believe the things she is telling me and she does seem sincere. However, considering the Nine months prior I have been very cautious with what I say and do or choose to believe.

--me

Remember the fog persists, LU...

And your own.

You can believe what she's telling you, if you choose to...without acting on those beliefs right now...that's what I hear you saying.

Keep your focus on you, your kids and recovering what was stripped from you right now...I would would not allow a lot of communication right now, either...she is married. She uses people to manage her emotions, finances, security...pretty much all her own stuff. Take your time and consider if that is who you really want, and time to own your own stuff.

How are YOU doing?

Great to see you.

LA

Hey LA!

Yes, to believe (or not) and not act on those beliefs, that IS what I am saying.

How am I doing. Actually I am doign great considering the events the last few months.

Financially im devistated, but thats only temporary. I just joined forces with a new start up company and a great team as one of the tech team, web and application development. I am very excited about this. So many things going on now and seems very promissing.

Emotionally im good. Just a bit confused by the X. I am not letting that bother me to much. An evil side of me wonders if her hubby has a clue as to what is going on in her little mind, and i want to laugh about it (sorry, i know that sounds bad).

Thanks!

--me

I think you should tell your ex-wife that you "don't do married women."

Honestly, with her pressing criminal charges against you and all, I think she would have to do a LOT of changing before I would even have anything to do with her.

Your attorney must have really sucked if he couldn't show that SHE was the one who was calling YOU.

With this history, I don't think I would talk to her at anytime without a recording of the conversation, just in case she tried the harassment crap again.

This is all just IMHO.

Absolutely DITTO Lady Clueless. Good advice.

Linda

Lady Clueless,

Dont do married women, changing, etc.. Already expressed and repeated, several times.

Attorney sucked nuts, period. I provided 10 times the evidence she had including a dozen witnesses to her harassment and he didnt do squat with it. Unfortunitly I did not know he sucked untill we were in the actual court room with the judge.

Thanks

--me

Its been a bit over a year since my last post here. Almost as long since I have come here to read. For some reason, i woke up a bit ago and MB popped into my mind. A need to post. Dunno.

I have spent the last year of my life busting my butt trying to rebuild my career and my life. For the first time since this entire nightmare started I can say I am doing very well, both Financially and Mentally (I rock financially!).

Not to say there are still not XWW problems, there are.

It has been almost two years since her and her affair partners relationship began, she has been married to him for a little bit over a year now. But that hasn't stopped her from trying to pursue me to some degree.

From my understanding, and honestly, could really care less anymore... her marriage is falling to peaces with her hubby. Guess its time.

At the time of my last post i was seriously considering trying to work things out with her. Guess I still had hope. I told her what she/we needed to do to make it happen, using suggestions given here. Baby steps right?

As it turned out, i gave it a couple of months to see just how many steps we would progress. Care to take a guess how many... anyone? Nada, none, zip. Very cool...ha!

Just when I thought I was done with it there were a few episodes of crying, begging and pleading for just one more chance. Not one, but several. Silly me, i gave her a few of those chances. Which more or less proved to me how much of a phsyco this woman really was <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> After given the chance, still did absolutely nothing.

So here we are. I still get the occasional and sometimes frequent call, the 'i love you', the 'i want you back' to which my normal reply is 'im sorry to hear that, now do you need anything concerning my children, no? Goodbye'

Simply amazing...

Anyway, again. Thanks to all who have helped me work through this. Not only has this board helped me through probably one of the roughest bumps in my life, i have also learned allot too. I hope to some day become a regular here again, but this time helping others as they have helped me.

--me

Hi MrLU,

I don't think I've ever posted to you, but you seem to be doing very well!



I love this!!! I can tell that you've moved on with your life and that you are doing well... Not knowing your entire story, but breezing through your thread here, I'd say keep doing what you're doing.

You sure don't want to get involved with a married woman and from the sound of things, she's just looking at you as a fall-back because things didn't turn out like she thought they would with Mr. Wonderful OM... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,

RIF

MrLU,

Wow!!! Hello! Really great to see and hear you. Thank you for acting on your MB flash.

How are your kids? How's your interaction circle? Has it widened?

Got the Financial & Mental updates...how about the Emotional and Spiritual ones?

Ayup, I'm still pushy as ever.

LA

Hi LA,

Ha, well, back when i posted last things were going pretty darned good in all respects except for the interaction circle. I have more friends/relationships online then i do in real life, but at the time that was acceptable to me.

In early December one of my partners and the owner of the business i was helping build suffered some sort of emotional break down (and still is from what i hear). So needless to say things went to crap all over again.

I been surviving off doing contract work and trying to go back to rebuilding another business i started on before joining that company. These things are working out as they should but it will be awhile before making enough to get back the income i had.

Over the months I have tried getting local employment in the tech field. I was turned down a very good job because of the legal issues the xww put me through a year and half ago.

To complicate things further, the xww still does what she can to mess with my life and emotions.

Just cant seem to win, eh...

And yeah, pushy LA:) Its ok.

All this has put me down again, not as bad as before, but its not helping things. Every time i seem to take a step forward i soon get pushed two steps back.

I am currently going through the interview process with a fairly large company, very cutting edge 3d tech job. So far its looking pretty good as far as getting this job.

The bad to getting this job is i will have to move 400 - 800 miles away, depending on where they want me.

--me

This should NOT even be a consideration if you do not have full custody of your children. Moving away from your kids is the worst thing you could ever do to them.

I appreciate your response mkeverydaycnt, and yes what you say just may be true. It has been really hard trying to decide what I should do.

The truth is, there are no paying jobs here in backwater ohio.

So I either get me a job at Wal-Marts, McDonalds or some other low paying job and HOPE that something happens, or actually do something about it.

Two and a half years of this, the last two living at my parents, struggling to pay my support and keep myself out of jail and try to pay bills.

Trust me. If i could find something that pays what I need to survive and support my children without blowing the majority of my check on gas and insurance, i wouldn't even be considering a move.

MrLU