I have been divorced for four years. In the past six month, my ex and I have been spending time together and have talked about giving it another shot.

We split up because she had three known affairs during our five years of marriage. We have two kids 11 and 7 and I am very active in their lives. Needless to say she did not have the greatest upbringing which set the tone for a lot of her behaviors. She tends to be very independent and withdraws a lot sometimes for extended periods of time. She use to be very insecure, but seems to have made great strides in resolving it. She has gone through several years of counseling and seems to have made a lot of effort in improving herself.

I have dated a few people of the four years, but have not been able to get serious as I continually think of wanting to get back with her. After a lot of self help, I have been able to forgive her. Yes, I have forgiven her for her mistakes, but the history is still there. When she pulls back or wants to be alone, it makes me question her intent as they are similar signs from the past.

I love my kids and ex and would love to have my family back together again. Looking for advice on whether I am setting myself up for disaster again or is there a hope of being with this woman I love.

I think an hour on the phone with Steve Harley would be a very wise investment for you at this time. You need pro opinion at this time, I reckon.

All blessings

Gappy,

No, you are not crazy.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I have been divorced for 3 years and seperated for almost 4. She also had 3 emotional affairs and one physical affair in our final 10 years of marraige. Despite this, I still think about her.

If you do work on reconciling, make sure it is NOT because you are convienant to her. She has to show commitment. Also, you both need counseling to make this work.

gappy:

You hint at something with your, "Needless to say she did not have the greatest upbringing which set the tone for a lot of her behaviors." Are you saying she was abused in her younger days? If so, you might be interested in the discussion between ConfusedHusband and myself, here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2059605#Post2059605

We're of the opinion that women who were abused in their childhoods often harbor a subconscious disrespect for men, compounded with a need of attention, especially sexual attention, from men to validate their own self-worth. This can lead to a pattern of promiscuity, as well as a person who is emotionally needy.

If this is the case, your re-marriage would likely continue to be a roller coaster ride. She may have coped with it through her counselling, but in times of stress, these insecurities could easily resurface.

(Note: I don't mean to gender-type women who have been abused. I just don't have any knowledge about the subsequent behaviors of men who had been abused.)

i only buy that argument so far galoot. my ex had a rough upbringing, his parents are a little nuts in my opinion. he had abandonment issues, etc. BUT, there comes a point in time where you put on your grown up pants and you don't let your past effect who you are today. my ex CHOOSES to be a victim. he chooses to be an as*hole and blames it on his childhood. that is a choice.

but i digress....

i am leery of situations like this where there was so much blatant disrespect of one spouse by the other having so many affairs and yet a few years later the betrayed spouse would even consider taking the wayward back. that says something to be about the betrayed spouse. self esteem issues or something. why would you even consider taking back someone who had so many affairs? do you think that low of yourself?

i'd think long hard before i would consider it. ( and i personally would NEVER consider it)

mlhb

p.s. bob, i did not know they said "reckon" in england! lol i thought that was a southern redneck phrase

Glad to hear she has had some counseling and is changing. Have you spoken to her about the independent behavior? Perhaps she would be willing to work on that.

There really is no hurry to make a decision. I would spend plenty of time together and see if you can POJA things.

I appreciate all these comments. It is really helpful.

In our marriage, she use to be one to travel with work, make excuses to be out when things got tough she retracted hard. Being fair to her and reading a lot of good info on this site realize I did my share to push as she pulled back, our Love Busters were flying high and I think a lot compounded over time. At the time she was not up for counseling, displaying a lot of the behaviors Dr. Harley described about the entire beginning to end process of an affair. She never had the capacity to try to fix things. It was about her getting what she needed and I believe she hurt too much to get help. After it was over and she realized it was all lost, she got help and has displayed a lot of changes.

As crazy as it sounds, I think in our case divorce was inevitible at the time as there was no progress forward. After four years apart (still communicating because of kids), individual counseling for both of us, we have matured and recognize what we have BOTH done wrong in this marriage.

We are not at the stage of getting back together, far from it, but we are trying to move forward. We have not discussed a lot from the past and I am not sure whether bringing all the old stuff up is the right thing. I do fight resentment at times and thought go through my head whether I am setting up for Round 2. She has made many strides forward in addressing some issues. At 35, she is who she is going to be.

Our world thrives on quotes and "Once a cheater always a cheater" lingers in my head.