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Most of the time, Weiss is a serious journalist. In the case of the article [color:#FF0000]CLICK HERE TO READ [/color] that is titled "The Affairs of Men," he screwed up by not including the teaching and research of Harley. I said so in a comment. Others might want to as well. Larry
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seems like your post gave the readers something to ponder. I don't think it invalidated what he said just because he didn't site Dr. H(nor does it make him a less serious journalist).
I know people here will be surprised to hear this...but Dr. H is not the only person out there effectively dealing with infidelity.
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seems like your post gave the readers something to ponder. I don't think it invalidated what he said just because he didn't site Dr. H(nor does it make him a less serious journalist).
I know people here will be surprised to hear this...but Dr. H is not the only person out there effectively dealing with infidelity. Lots of people try and it comes as no surprise. Some are more or less effective. I have tried to read all of them at one time or the other. But none, in my research, are as effective as Harley, IMHO. And it is that same opinion that anyone writing a serious article on the subject has to research Harley (among others, I will grant). Larry
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Some people just don't get it. Take a look at this: I'm a married psychologist, with two kids and a very mediocre sex life. (Frequency sucks; quality is fine.) Although I've been tempted, I will never cheat on my wife, as it strikes me as the ultimate betrayal in one of the few (only?) relationships in which I've made a serious commitment to Trust.
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My wife is the only person I've ever made such an absolute agreement with, so as much as I want to stray, I agreed not to! Yes it's hard, but what is one's word worth? To me, a lot. I tell patients to play before they get married, but once married, change the agreement rather than break it, even if it means breaking up a relationship with kids involved, etc. Change the 'contract,' or if you can't, break up. And I'm no advocate of the Promise Keeping philosophy (seems creepy), but there are outlets for fantasy (e.g., porn) that don't involve actual contact with other people. Keep the deals you make and your life works a lot better; I see proof all the time, from those who keep 'em and those who don't.
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By Dr_E on 05/23/2008 at 4:03pm This was a guy posting a comment on the article in New Yorker above referenced. The part in bold is what I question. This is a guy who recommends that someone divorce, someone with kids, if they feel they just can't resist temptation. This guy is a joke. Whatever happened to the concept of teaching honor and ethics? Yea, like it isn't a grownup thing to screw around and mess up your kid's lives, or just dump on the kids because you WANT to screw around. "Yea, 'Mr. Pay Me By the Hour,' you really should get a divorce so you can be happy banging anyone willing." Who cares about your kids, after all they can't pay me, right? Larry
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Hey Larry
To be honest I think he has a point. If a spouse in unhappy in their marriage and they divorce before they start an affair, it is better than having an affair in marriage. It is more honest.
It says "I am unhappy with my marriage, not unhappy with it compared to a fantasy".
It is best to stay in ones marriage and work to improve it, but leaving out of dissatisfaction is far preferable to "testing the waters" with an affair before leaving IMO. Not supportable by scripture of course ( if that matters to folks) but it shows more secular decency than an affair. Thats why almost all WS pretend to the BS that they are doing JUST THAT while they hide their affairs and cake-eat. Just IMO.
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Bob:
I understand your point. And in a childless marriage, might even agree with you to some extent. But with kids, it makes it more of an entitlement thing, and I am not big on entitlement. In my mind, that makes it more like the entertainment musical chairs we see from that bunch.
Having kids changes the dynamics of the committment. Women pay a price for having kids. Lemme give you an example that hits home. Guy and his wife are sitting on the beach. She was good looking when they got married, but three kids have taken their toll.
Young female waltzes by flaunting her 105lb. figure. Wife sighs and says, "I will never look that good again."
1. Husband says, "Neither will she."
2. Husband is silent and thinks, 'if divorced maybe I could nail her.' Chances are his six pack abs have converted to daily six pack beer gut.
Second guy is obviously not the kinda person a woman outa try having a family with, you think? Second guy may be honest about his "Feelings," but he is dishonest in many other ways. And likely still is that his "Feelings" are based on a fantasy. He too has aged and not necessarily well.
Larry
Last edited by _Larry_; 05/24/08 09:24 AM.
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But with kids, it makes it more of an entitlement thing, and I am not big on entitlement. Absolutely Larry. It is selfish and a total abdication of the responsibilities of dignified husbandry and fatherhood, but it is still a little better than "finding another nest" before flitting this one IMO. Both reek as options, but at least this one is a decision made outside of the addiction of an affair. It is an authentically selfish choice out of the nature of a husbands heart rather than a delusion.
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I agree with you BOB.
The way I see it, having an affair was my H's COWARDLY WAY out of his personal UNHAPPINESS and UNHAPPINESS with our marriage. Granted he actually had a lot to be unhappy about. But instead of having the COURAGE to get help for himself, be HONEST with me or even have the COURAGE to get a DIVORCE, he had THE AFFAIR. He DELIBERATELY decided to begin "playing around" with that HOish woman...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Bob:
1. Husband says, "Neither will she."
2. Husband is silent and thinks, 'if divorced maybe I could nail her.' Chances are his six pack abs have converted to daily six pack beer gut.
Larry ***We have a saying for that........... With age a man's six pack abs become a "keg" lol
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