FWW and I were apart on weekdays for about 18 months. She took a job in another city while I was in grad school. At the 18 month point, she started having an affair with a guy from the internet. It went for 5 months before i found out. They met on 5 different multi-day visits, each time he came to her city. The had sex on the 3rd, 4th and 5th visits. I found out by snooping on her laptop cause i got suspicious. She lied about it right to the end where i showed her the evidence.

One she accepted i knew, however, she immediately cut off contact with the other guy and hasnt had any since (its been just over a month now). I moved to her city immediately and we are together every night now. She hasnt hesitated at all, for some reason I dont really understand she says she wants to be with me. I expect it should be more difficult, but she just seems to want to "move on" and be happy together. Additionally, she had cut off all contact with any of the people she played with on the internet game where she met OM.

We are supposed to move to another city in august, thats been the plan all along. She says she intended to continue the affair until we moved back together in august. At that point she was going to break it off with the guy, or so she says. But this guy is real serious about her, he wanted to move to her city to be with her and wanted her to divorce me. My understanding is he is devestated the she didnt go be with him, although she swears she never told him she intended to do that. He is a sad case, my age (32) but lives with his mom and she says she fell for him by feeling sorry for him. While I dont mind the guy suffering, it seems awfully cruel to let him think he was rescuing her from a bad marriage just to turn around and drop him when i found out.

Anyway i dont understand how she could have this thing going for 5 months, be in love with this guy, but just drop him when i found out. I mean, our marriage hasnt been fun during this long distance period for either of us. I am extremely worried that she is staying with me because she is concerned about the harm it would do to her career. She works in a very prestigious area of the legal field, and this would not go over well. I work in the same circles so people would figure it out. And her career is like #1 to her, there was no chance she would move to my city when this all went down, I had to go to her. Also, she really doesnt want her family/friends to know what she did.

So am I being unreasonable to worry she is with me to avoid people finding out out what happened? Could her fear of people finding out drive her to stay with me even if she isnt in love with me and is in love with OM? Or, as she insists, could she really have been in love with this guy, had a great time with him, had all these plans to see him repeatedly in the future, yet drop him instantly once i found out simply because our rather strained relationship was more important?

I have asked her what qualities I have that make me preferable to the OM, she says I am smart and funny. But really, those dont sound to me like good reasons to choose me over him. There is also the fact we have been together for 8 years, but i dunno that history is a valid reason for continuing the relationship. I feel like I need a better explanation for why she chose me. Am I asking for too much? Should I just try to be content that she didnt leave me?

Hiato:

I think your suspicions over whether her A is actually over are valid. According to the Harleys, a WS will exhibit withdrawal symptoms when they end an A. That is because they are physiologically addicted to OP, and when that addiction isn't satisfied, they go through a withdrawal similar to any other kind of addict, such as an alcoholic or drug addict. A romantic love, or infatuation, produces hormones and brain chemicals that produce such pleasure that the person can't do without.

My FWW had told me she ended her A about a month after DDay, and DDay was when the PA first began. When she told me it was over, she acted relieved, and said things like she was glad it was now over, and that we could now move on. It was about that time that I discovered this site, and read the article about ending an affair. It described the withdrawal sypmtoms exhibited by the WS after breaking all contact. I became suspicious after reading the article, but seeing that WW was not exhibiting those symptoms. But, she continued to assure me it was over.

I was living in another state, because of my job, and would only get home on weekends, and then not every weekend. So, I didn't have good means to determine whether she was having contact. But then, I figured out the remote access code for OM's answering machine (I knew the model - don't ask me how - and it was still the default factory setting). When I played back the messages, I heard WW's numerous messages over the past month, including two that were from the two prior days. In those, she says how much she loves and misses him, and asked him to call her back to set up when they could get together when I wasn't home She also, in an older message, described a cute little chapel that would be great for a wedding, which she saw when she came once to visit me.

When I first confronted her, she denied that those messages were new, asserting they were old ones from before her NC, which OM didnt' erase. I pointed out facts in those messages that unequivocably happened in the last two days. She then admitted it, and agreed to another NC, along with ways to verify it. She then, in fact exhibited the symptoms of withdrawal. For the next several weeks, she would go into spells of depression and melancoly, often breaking down crying at a song, or for no reason at all. After two months of NC, she still gets moody at times.

If her affair was as emotional and as serious as you let on, then she certainly would have shown some reluctance to break it off ("Why can't I have both of you?") along with an exhibition of withdrawal symptoms.

If you discover that she is still seeing OM, then the first thing you need to do is expose their affair. That includes her family, her friends and her work associates. Rest assured, she will be furious with you, and tell you that you blew it and your marriage is now over. She'll probably claim how disrespectful it was of you to do so. (Like having an affair and lying about it is respectful of you?) But, remember that they always say that, and almost always the WS does later reconcile with BS. Affairs can only thrive in secrecy. Exposure brings it to the light of truth and rationality. The shame it brings provides the incentive to end it. And look at it this way - what have you to lose in exposing it? If you don't, her relationship with OM will grow stronger, and eventually lead her to divorce you, or otherwise, it will continue and you'll be driven mad with uncertainty, jealousy, suspicion and distrust, to where you'd have to divorce her. So, even if she is humiliated from exposure, it is necessary to help save your marriage, and, if you don't do it, you'll likely end up divorced anyway.

P.S. - ironically, my WW originally was attracted to OM because she felt sorry for him. He also became very jealous that WW was still seeing me and having relations with me on the weekends. I think his jealousy played as much a part in ending the A as did my WW's desire to end it.

She may or she may not have broke it off.

If her hormonal overload expired, then it could very well be that she has broken it off (with no remorse) and wants to rebuild a relationship with you. The reason for the no remorse is that she has no loyalty for someone who would cheat with a married woman, or it could just be the heartless way women have of dumping lovers who no longer count.

Then again, maybe not.

I dunno know your wife, but you do. From what you say, she could very well have had an entitlement affair, which puts you at risk for her having another one. In an entitlement affair, a woman could just dump her lover with little or no remorse. Only thing is, entitlement types are prone to doing it again (and again).

Larry

Hiato,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders.

I have read your post and am struck both by her lack of withdrawal and the following thing.
This concerns me deeply. She was planning on having the affair until you return and you both moved on. This statement suggests to me that she doesn't value fidelity in a marriage at all. Perhaps you don't either, but if you do, I think you have a real problem.

You see she is either lying to you about her intentions to cut it off, OR she sees little wrong in having an affair. Oddly I would realy worry about a woman that has an affair but is not "in love" with the OM. That means she has no conscience in using people for her pleasure, at least that is how I would interpret this thing.

I think you have reason to be worried. I think she shows all of the traits of someone for whom "everything is about them". Finally, I think she has no concept of what vows really are. Perhaps being a lawyer means she thinks all things are negotiable and there are no absolutes. I don't know.

I would strong recommend you read the articles here and then have a long discussion with her about boundaries, what her's are, and how she proposes to protect them.

I know this sounds harsh, but I don't think you are in recovery. Recovery implies that the WS "gets it" with respect to the damage they have done and to what vows really means.

From your post I don't receive the impression that she does "get it".

Just thoughts I hope they are of help to you.

God Bless,

JL

JL has explained what I meant by "Entitlement." I agree in all areas with JL up to and including the "Lawyer" mentality she may have. In any event, I see NO empathy from her toward anyone other than herself.

You are NOT in a good situation irrespective of the affair. I agree with JL that you need to have a serious sitdown with her and likely a trip to the woodshed as well.

Whilst having the talk with her, watch closely for "Lip service" that serves her entitlement yet "seems" to meet your objectives.

Double speak should not be allowed.

Larry