I have been out with a young woman a few times. One of the ways that I get to know people is to look at the people they surround themselves with. The girl I have gone out with has a friend that is married.
Several red flags stood out for me. First, the girl and her friend had been out last week for a co-worker that was leaving. During this time, St (my friend) and K (her friend) were sitting there rating men that walked by. When I told her that I thought that behavior was inappropriate for a married woman, I got the impression she thinks I am too uptight over this. Couple this with K being unhappy in her marriage and talking about wanting to have an affair(or maybe already has) and there is a recipe for disaster. I met K's husband and he seems like a very good dad and quite attentive...but every chance this woman got (with her husband out of earshot) she was talking about other men.

So, as I write this..it becomes more and more clear to me that we are and should be judged by the company we keep...I am very intolerant of cheaters or those that make excuses for them (or even associate with them).

Do birds of a feather flock together???

My own wife had a cheerleading, adulterous married best friend to encourage her.

I totally agree that they flock together to justify their adultery.

"rating" men as they walk by seems to me to be very immature and unattractive behavior for a single woman as well.

My 13 yo likes to say who is "hot" as they walk by, but even she has the insight that rating people on the basis of looks is both unkind and unenlightened. Can we say shallow.

Keep looking MEDC. That's my opinion, without having met her.

And yes we normally associate with those of the same value system, likes/dislikes, etc as ourselves.

I wondered how you were doing on the old dating scene. It's a jungle out there, isn't it? But when you do meet the right one it is so worth it!

I agree with P.

I had a girlfriend that I found out was having an affair.

After trying and trying to get her to see that SHE and her behavior was the cause of the tension and destructive attitude towards her husband I gave up.

I cannot condone or justify ANY decision to snowblow one's spouse.

We are no longer friends BY MY CHOICE. Her emails go into the deleted bin and I will not call or answer her calls.

She told me I was uptight.

I'd rather be an uptight old bat, than a dirty rotten cheater any ol day.

finding a date is easy...finding quality partners is a bit more of a challenge. I have met quite a few I could call "friend" but not that someone special that has morals to match her personality and zest for life.

I have to agree with the masses.
If this girl "st" is not discouraging her friends thoughts about having an affair than she is really no better than the affair partner themselves or the one who is thinking of having one. A TRUE friend one would think, would be discouraging that.

and you were out on a date with "st" and she was rating men as they walked by? Unless I misread what you wrote.. Shame on her too!

I don't think that kind of joking is harmless in my opinion, married or not.

my exbf used to do that kind of crap in front of me and i thought it was pretty tasteless.

one of my closest friends was/is having marital problems. to the point where she was about ready to leave. not have an affair mind you, but giving up. being the true friend i am, i did not encourage her to leave! or to go find some other man. I actually sent her some of my harley books and told her to come here.

if you see red flags it is for a reason. and we betrayed spouses have VERY good radar i have personally found.

mlhb

no...I wasn't there.

I have gotten this one more times than i can count. I am having an issue with my FWH and a guy that we USED TO hang out with. My FWH uses the excuse that we don't know for sure (and to give him credit we do not) that he is cheating on his wife. And even if he is "what does that have to do with us".

Well to me I feel it is EXACTLY as MEDC is saying "birds of a feather" type thing.

I agree with the rest MEDC, not a relationship type person IMHO.

sorry medc... i assumed you were there.

for the most part, i do believe we should be judged by the company we keep.

i, personally, have no desire to hang out with those who are liars, cheaters, potential cheaters, etc... i tend to keep company with those who are like me. pretty laid back and quiet and just into family and such. the times i did have friends that were completely not like me, i.e. big partiers and such, those friendships did not last very long. i have nothing in common with someone like that.

will be interesting to hear what you decide and think.

mlhb

I agree that birds of a feather flock together. How could I possibly have a friend who is a liar and a cheater unless a) I am a liar and cheater or b) I condone lying and cheating or c) am morally retarded MYSELF? People don't keep company whose behavior is offensive so our friends reflect our own values.

I have experienced this in my life and my reaction was to try and talk my friend out of her affair and when she wouldn't end it, parted ways. I won't have a liar and a cheater for a friend, period. If a person lies and cheats to their own spouse, then I know they will not hesitate to do the same to me.

I would also add that I don't have a single friend who would tolerate that behavior from me either.

Yes, that seems like good advice!

agree 100% Mel.

okay...so, ladies...should I be upfront with her and tell her why I am walking...or do I just say it isn't working out and walk away? Part of me would like to tell her...because I really think this is something she should examine in herself...but part of me doesn't want to deal with the hassle that conversation would lead to.

It would be a hassle, but it could also be a huge wake up call for her to realize that decent ppl view her behavior in a bad light.

If more people spoke up about this stuff, folks might question their own goofy thinking.

I was just thinking about this yesterday. I used to be very wayward in my thinking and I DO REMEMBER every person that pointed it out to me. It always SURPRISED me that people could see it differently and I would not have had that realization if they had remained silent.

I may have been angry and dismissive at the time, but it often did plant a seed that GREW. Whereas, I don't remember the sheeple who just told me what I wanted to hear.

p.s. I wouldn't do it with a 2x4 though. I would find a way to do it very politely.

One of the things that changed my life and the way I viewed how I was behaving was back in college I was dating two guys at once, unable to tell the other and my older sister, sitting across from me on the couch said "you are going to go to hell for your self-centeredness".

I was floored. I couldn't believe she would say that to me, as I was going on and on to her about how bad I felt, and how I didn't know what to do, and how I couldn't hurt either one...blah, blah, blah. LOL

So I agree with you.

Without a 2x4, eh?

"I find something distasteful about grown women, one of whom is married, who sit around rating men on their looks as they walk past." Too harsh?

And I really do find that behavior yucky. Doesn't that strike anyone else that way? Married or not, it seems so shallow, really. There are so many other ways to amuse oneself and have fun.

No 2 x 4 needed! I tend to be very direct but pretty soft spoken with those that I am involved with. Now, knowing her...she will most likely flip over this....so, can you say public place!

it bothered me too...not in a jealius way...but just in a "that's not okay" sense.

good man!

yeah, i was just thinking that she probably doesn't care about what your opinion is of something she is doing. meaning, most people don't like to be corrected on behavior they see nothing wrong with.

i would be tempted to do the "things just aren't working out route" but if you opt for the other, then def a public place.

mlhb