No, that was a one time thing. And trust me I don't intend to put myself through that heartache EVER AGAIN! That was horrible hearing those people talk to me like that and hear that there is a baby to a teenager in the home and Oh, my!!!

Should I still give a Plan B letter or do you think the phone conversation is enough? I didn't tell him who the intermediary would be?
I did leave a message for him on his cell phone today that said that the bed and table/chairs are in our storage building that he could get them from there, that way he didn't have to come to the house. I also reiterated that the children would contact him when they were ready and that I was fine with that whenever they were asking for him. But from here until our hearing in July or he contacts me, I feel that I am totally lights out. Now, I just have to sleep on the couch till I can afford a bed, could be a while I think the voluntary support may end till July when he is required to pay, but I could be wrong.

Trusting in the only one who will NEVER fail me.....God Almighty.

You really need to go by the MB book. So a Plan B letter is required. Start writing it now.

You can take your time on this, there is no hurry. Be certain that there is no reason for him to need to contact you.

If you think he will stop voluntarily paying support, you might want to wait another month or so. In the meantime, STOP calling him. When he contacts you, be pleasant. If he is angry or mean, let him know that you are his wife and won't tolerate his poor behavior, and hang up.

Believer,
So, if I did as you are suggesting it would be a sortof modified Plan A into Plan B?
Meaning I would not contact him, but if contacted by him be direct to the point, kind but not going into true dialog? Am I understanding that correctly?

I have been working on my Plan B letter, but I am not sure if this is to be in part a farewell love note? I guess I need to know the key points that need to be covered, the letter that was sent as an example doesn't really fit a WH who has been living with OW for 2+ months. So, I guess I am asking if anyone would be willing to help guide me I will post my attempt later and then you can "have at it"

I am so grateful to all of you and I know that the Lord is at work in me, I have seen evidence of his guidance and provision, but if you all could please pray for a bed, I really don't want to have to sleep on the couch long term! I know silly little thing, but after having "given up/lost" so much already to my WH's sin, I am feeling a little down about just one more thing. I know God will provide and the tables will turn, but I am starting college for my masters tomorrow, looking for a job, homeschooling my kids and not really sleeping yet! Sometimes it would be nice to catch a glimpse from the other side of this valley that I am journeying through!

Also wondering in taking the questionaires how am I supposed to answer my EN's questionaire, as I am, have been previously, or am changing into? Or should I just wait a little longer into the journey? I feel as if these are changing more and more with being alone. Is this normal?

KLB,

You did a great job with the phone conversation. Your WS is just a blubbering idiot right now. Keep your armor on and don't let those blows get in if you can.

Do not worry about any of the questionnaires. None of that matters right now. YOUR EN questionnaire is for when you and WS are in recovery. It is good for a BS to try to determine WS's top EN's during Plan A, but HE isn't interested in meetings YOURS.

If you want some great help with preparing for Plan B, do I as mentioned in an earlier post and change the subject line of your first post in this thread.

That new subject line will show up on the boards and those who have done plan B will know that you need help with it.

Say something like:

Need immediate help with Plan B

You have done a great job preparing financially.

How are you supporting yourself right now? Do you work outside the home? Are you able to make ends meet if he stops providing financial support?

For Plan B all you need to deal with are:

1. finances
2. visitation
3. intermediary
4. letter
5. finish any loose ends where you MUST be in contact with him


So, tell us about your financial situation by answering my questions above.

It sounds like you've both agreed to leaving visitation up to when the kids are ready??? This is in your and their best interests right now because he WILL NOT be a good father right now. They SHOULD NOT be around OW, and he has no place to take them.

Have your intermediary read here to learn what will be necessary. She cannot pass on info from WS to you unless it is relevant to the finances or children or meeting your requirements to come out of Plan B. She is your filter. This can be challenging for friends, so it is important that she understand that it is in YOUR best interest NOT to hear all his fog babble or manipulation.

Post your letter here.

1. Okay, As for finances, the $3000 is more than enough to see me through till the hearing on July 18th. My lawyer has already told me that without factoring his rental properties into the support figure that with three children the min that he should be remanded to pay will be $2300/month and our need for the house and utilities is $1500/month, and I have had support coming in from friends and such to meet the other needs that we have had (house repairs and the fact that in the past few months I have lost 50lbs, I wish I could cheer about that, but I sure don't wish this stressload on anyone!)
As for the job situation, I was a certified Deaf and Hard of Hearing teacher, but have been at home for 8 years now, so the certification has expired and my interpreting skills are very weak, so I reenrolled in college to obtain my masters degree, which has always been a goal of mine, but due to WH's selfishness and poor management of our money, I hadn't been able to do this until now.

2. Yes, visitation is up to the children. He said that he would not push them, he wants a relationship with them, but he "understands if they hate him for the rest of their lives." I explained that they just need some time and that he needs to truly change and show them his total love devotion and sacrifice his own wants and needs for them. They know that he has lied about just about everything for the last 2 years, and has let them down in so many ways, as well as his verbal and emotional attacks. He told me last night that he wouldn't pursue custody yet, that he would give us the opportunity to have some time. I assured him that the children know that they can call him any time that they want/need, and that they are reassured of that every day. They have been praying for their father and want to see him change and be the loving man that he used to be. They know that the only one that can do that is God and that he needs to live in the consequences of his sin. I just feel so sad for my children, but yet so very proud of the growth and faith that they have both shown. Their prayers for their father are so simple yet profound!

3. The intermediaries are our best friends from church, J&A. The only problem is that my WH is so consumed with guilt that he will not talk to him, but he says that WH does listen to the messages, but there is no one else that he talks to that I have contact with, he has cut off all contact with all of our friends, and is only associating with the negative crowd. So, I am wondering if this is okay? I feel comfortable and trust this family completely, and so do the children, so I feel that this is a good choice?

4. The only loose ends are that he hasn't changed the house phone bill or the garbage bill into my name, but if he is going to pay them then fine they aren't a big deal to me. I can't think of anything else, he has everything from the house out, and I changed the lock on the garage, I gave him everything that we agreed upon, but don't want him to take more! He has a lot of tools and things that we bought, and I told him that they would have to be agreed upon. Especially since I lost my bed and dining room table due to his irresponsibility!
Can you think of anything that I may have missed? Bills, House Keys, Cell Phone, All Bank Papers signed, car, belongings.

Now as for the letter, what are the guidelines, I need to tell him in the letter. I have been searching for a copy of the book and more letters to read to better understand, so any outline or examples that others are willing to share would be appreciated, and I will post the draft I have as soon as I finish.

Thank you all

Sunshine I tried to go back to my first post to change the title like you suggested and it had no edit option. Am I doing something wrong?

Here is my first draft of my Plan B letter, I know that there is a lot missing and it needs to be I think personalized more, but I am not sure what more needs to be added or if this is supposed to be cool and distant or like a last love letter?

Okay, here is my revised draft, please let me know what you think and if I need to add subtract or send! Also am I to actually write the OW's name, I really would like to avoid that if possible since her name and mine are the same just spelled different by one letter?? Thank you all...

I have put a call out on the board for Plan Bers to come and help you. Hopefully, they will show up here soon.




Great job on getting yourself prepared!




You need to buy a daily planner right away. Document all the events or visitations that he committed to and did not show.

Then start documenting everything pertaining to the children especially. If your WS never gets his head out of his hiney, you may choose to fight for full custody. Co-parenting with a wacked out wayward might not be something very appealing to you.

All of his broken commitments and then his choice to stay removed from their lives will matter in court. Arm yourself now, just in case.






The intermediaries should be someone YOU can count on to FILTER his fog babble out. They are to PROTECT you from his abuse and drama. If they are clear on that and willing to remove all babble and ONLY pass on info that is relevant (children, finances, or meeting your Plan B letter requirements to come home), they sound like a great choice.

It doesn't matter how your WS feels about the intermediary. He doesn't get a vote.

The intermediary is all about protecting you.






My lawyer told me that the one leaving the family home is not allowed to take anything other than his personal belongings..clothes, etc. Nothing that is part of the home, furnishings (which would have included your bed and table), and tools used to run the household.

If you move into divorce, then all those things will be divided 50/50. But for now, he has no right to take anything more than his personal belongings. Be sure to document anything he has taken.

Whew, at least I know that I have appropriately taken the good steps.

Lawyer is in place, have a few concerns that he is not agressive enough? Is a Christian and he said that no matter what we do WH will be granted 50/50 custody because he has not sexually or physically abused the children. Not too encouraging there! Suggestions?

Intermediaries, they are totally on board, I need to get them on the site and learning the rules and getting them educated other than what I have told them.

Daily planner, Done I have been documenting and forwarding e-mails etc to the lawyer since he walked out.

I did think of two other things that have not been resolved yet in regards to loose ends and they are that he owes me $175 for the cell phone that he smashed do I pursue this or wait and deal with it in court on July 18? The other thing is that it was brought to my attention from a mutual friend that my WH bought a car from the other husband last year and still hasn't paid him the $200. How should I handle this?

As for the bed and table, he has the credit card that they were charged onto and it is soley in his name, and has made complaints about things that he is paying for above and beyond the "voluntary support" that I am benefitting soley from and he thinks should come out of "what he owes me" I don't care the bed wasn't that comfortable he was the one who wanted it and the table too, I hated it, so they really are no great losses to me other than somewhere else for me to sleep, but that too will come. He has take ALL personal belongings, magazines from the last eternity, clothing, shoes, jewelry, yearbooks from high school, books about business, he truly has taken his whole life that he cares about. He has told me before that the rest is mine, I know that means except his tools, so I had the lock on the garage changed so that he cannot access that since that is the only key that he wouldn't voluntarily give back. The bed and the table were moved to a storage unit.

Go out in the garage and take pictures of everything. Open up tool boxes and take pictures. Take pictures of lawn equipment. Just because he's than "man" doesn't mean he automatically gets this stuff. AND there is a TON of money in tools and lawn equipment. A lot more than the "tools" in my kitchen. If you do divorce, you need documentation of what is there so that he doesn't low ball the value.

I was told to take pictures of everything in the house just in case he sneaked in and took things.

I would consider finding a different lawyer. To this point, you husband has demonstrated that he has no interest in being an active part of your children's lives. The court will not look well on this. There are many FATHERS here who have sole custody. It is NOT unreasonable to think that you may be able to retain full custody. When it came to finding a lawyer, I wasn't so concerned if he was a Christian. I wanted someone who would represent ME, fight for ME, listen to ME. You need someone who hears you and does he very best to bring about your desires.

I really am impressed with how well you have prepared yourself.

I am sorry you haven't had more help here. Usually a call out on the board is all that is needed. I'll bump my call out.

SS is right. Get another lawyer. You want one who says, "I will do my very best to get you full legal custody with limited visitation." You have to aim high. Hang in there.

Say

Hey KLB,

I am NO expert on Plan B letters, but so please just take my words and let's check with others, WAY MORE knowledgeable.

For me, I needed to be in the mindset that WH didn't know a thing or care about the suffering he was causing. So I would take that out. I would also take out about the selfish poor financial decisions, for me and remember I am NO expert, this is a disrespectful judgement.

What about this?
You mention the part about emotional needs, does he know about them? If not, keep that part out, you aren't trying to educate him, but express your love for him, how his affair has affected your family, the destruction it's caused, that there is a path back to home, etc.

Vets, what do you think?

Below are my humble suggestions, in italics. I hope this helps you polish this up. Consider revising anything that speaks of how he feels. You can't know this. You repeat a number of times that he must end contact with HER--you don't need to do this over and over again. One succint paragraph stating what he would need to do to gain access to you is enough.

ok, everything was great until we got here:


rewrite to: I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the enormous suffering the children and I have endured because of your adultery. It is too painful to be around you while you are continuing your affair. I still love you, but cannot see you under these conditions. It is causing my remaining love for you to erode and I must protect that. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery! It is in no means meant as a punishment.



As soon as you are willing to permanently end your affair, severe all contact, and are willing to establish a plan for recover, then and only then we can discuss our future together.



I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend again, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend like you had been for so many years. I want to be there to encourage and watch you achieve your dreams and goals, and have you experience the joy of seeing our children and I achieve our goals and dreams too. There are so many beautiful and good things about our marriage and family.------------------->take this out, it is PREACHING--------> I pray that you will listen to the Holy Spirit who lives in you and not turn your back on its leading.

I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in your affair.

You did good, kb! The only other suggestion I would make is to cut it down by a third. You are speaking to a detached, fogged out person so shorter is better.

Thank you all for your suggestions so far, I made many changes, but am still not satisfied with the following paragraph it sounds like a bit too much and almost I don't know, here see what you think:
I think the problem is there is SOOOO much that I want to say that would "trigger" things that he has said in the past few weeks and months, but I think I trying to cram in too much.
Also am I supposed to replace the Her words with her name? I really don't want to do that since her name is my name!