Back in September 2007, my husband received a text message early in the morning from someone. He told me it was one of the guys at work. Some kind of way, I instantly knew he was lying. When I called him on it, he went on and on telling me that he couldn’t believe how I was acting, and he couldn’t believe that I was “tripping” because of something so stupid because it was nothing. He kept asking me what I thought it was, and when I asked to look at his cell phone to see the message, he told me I couldn’t (when our cell phones had been interchangeable up to that point). So as that day went on, he kept up with the lie. I saw the number, asked him which of the guy’s numbers it was, and he went on to tell me he didn’t know. I went in to work, went into our cell phone records and low and behold…that number had been calling his cell phone and he had been calling that number many times before. He was busted in a lie. So…he gave me this song and dance about how the number belonged to a lady he worked with. She doesn’t have a home phone, but she has kids. So she was leaving her cell phone at work and he was letting her use his cell phone to call home to check on her kids, and then after work, her kids would call his cell phone to talk to their mom. Hmmm…

Fast forward a couple months. After that big blow up, the number was no longer in the phone records. Then one night, we were at home hanging out. He went upstairs to the bathroom, and he took his cell phone with him. I was downstairs sitting on the couch and all of a sudden, I get a blank text message from him. I asked him about it, and he told me it was an accident. Since I had my suspicions, I looked in the cell phone records again, and low and behold…he had text messaged this girl’s number immediately after he mistakenly text messaged me that night. When I confronted him, he said that he didn’t know it was her number, he thought it was the number of one of his friends and since the cell phone holds past numbers, he wasn’t aware. Hmmm…

Fast forward to last month; he had a function with his job. He was supposed to be home by like 7:00 that night because it was a nice day and we were going out. So 7 o’clock came and went. He text messaged me at about 8 o’clock saying that he was helping clean up and he would be home soon. When 9 o’clock came, I called him, and he had an attitude with me, but said that he would be home soon. So naturally, when it was almost 11 o’clock, I called him again. First he didn’t answer, and then he turned off the cell phone so I couldn’t call him at all. By this time, I was very angry. So I hopped in my car, and went over to where he was supposed to be. No one was there. So I rode around in the area hoping to see him, and when I didn’t, I started home. Surprisingly, as I turned the corner, I just happened to see his car. So I parked, got out and went in (he was at a bar). When I walked in, he was sitting at the table smiling, guess he was happy. No one else was at the table, but there was a woman’s purse sitting right beside him. I walked up to him and very politely asked him who he was there with. He said no one, and very quickly got up and walked out with me behind him. When we got outside, I thought we might talk, but he got in his car, locked the door on me, and pulled off and left me standing there.

This was too much for me, and I had decided to leave. I packed up enough things to stay gone for the weekend, and went to a hotel. While I was gone, he didn’t call me at all; as a matter of fact, I called him to try to talk about what happened. I asked him who he was with, and whose purse it was, and all he kept saying was “It wasn’t my purse; I don’t know whose purse it was.” So I stayed at the hotel for two nights, then I decided to come home. He cried and told me he was so sorry and he wanted another chance. He finally told me that the purse belonged to the same woman who text messaged him, and who he text messaged by mistake. He didn’t tell me because he felt that things would have gotten misconstrued. He promised me that he wouldn’t lie to me anymore and that things were going to be good. I asked him if there was anything going on between the two of them, and he said no.

Fast forward to about three weeks after I came back home; I got into our cell phone records and decided to go back to his cell phone log from the two nights I was gone. Low and behold…he was calling this girl multiple times, late at night, two in the morning (she was calling him too). They were talking on the phone a lot, and he wasn’t calling me at all. Actually, when he did finally start to feel like he missed me, he sent me a text message. Then he text messaged me again – asking me to call him…after five years of being together, and four and a half of being married. So when I found this out, I went to him and asked him if he had been talking to her on the phone at all. He told me he never even talked to her on the phone and that she was just someone from work that he is cool with. When I busted him in that lie, he told me that he didn’t tell me because I would blow it out of proportion. He said that he had called her because he was mad about the whole situation that had happened at the bar and he wanted someone to talk to. He told me that he got her number because he remembered it after seeing it written down at work. (It was a different number…I found out it was hers because I got a phone report.)

This woman works where he works; him on first, and her on second. He gets off at three o’clock, but is never quite able to get out before 3:20 or later. Hmmm…this is not all inclusive of our problems. He is mean. He has anger problems. He is insensitive, unsympathetic, prideful, and not apologetic. He says he is sorry and that is all he can do because he doesn’t do damage control.

Is there another person in this world who actually believes this story? I don’t. Is there anyone who would want to stay in this marriage? I am trying, but not sure I will succeed.

What do you find attractive about your husband?

Curious - and interested

Pep

At this point, nothing. Initially, I loved the idea of having a man in my life that I could trust. Now that he has become such a liar, because he lies a lot more than this - there is really nothing else. The loss of trust makes everything else null and void. Trust and honesty are very important to me. I have explained this to him on many occassions, and each time, he totally disregards my feelings. I often feel like I have done something wrong when I confront him with the lies; that is how he makes me feel. He is very manipulative and does everything possible to make himself look good in all situations, especially when he is wrong.

What's keeping you married to a man you clearly despise?

Are you involved with another man yourself?

Pep

Nope. Not at all; I have never cheated and never been involved in any kind of way with any other man since we have been together.

I think the only reason I am still here is that I wanted to honor my marriage vows and I feel bad that I might not be able to. Do you think the story he has told me is credible?

Not at all credible.

Pep

Thank you for sharing that with me. Everytime I try to talk to him about this, he makes me feel like I am the only person in the world who WOULDN'T believe this story. At least now I know that there is someone else out there that thinks he is a liar.

ALL WS's lie - they are ALL liars

PrincessMeggy wrote:

All WS suffer from the same ailment: liarrhea

Main Entry: li·ar·rhea

Function: noun
1 : abnormally frequent verbal evacuations of untruths




What you need to think about is what your WH's character/behavior was like for the majority of your married life together

Is this current infidelity mind-set of his an aberration of his usual self - or is he just a mean-spirited son-of-a-gun irregardless of this current fiasco?

Pep

FWIW

I don't think you are ready to divorce just yet. Sit tight.

YOU have not done your pre-divorce homework - WHY did you marry an unlikable fellow?

Pep

Mean spirited whenever I am not just taking whatever he says or does...always mean spirited whenever I try to say something about what he does. Whether I let him have it or I try to be nice, which is why I often end up feeling like I did something wrong. He has been lying for about 3.5 of the 4.5 years we have been married, about countless things. Always has an excuse...always.

Your story sounds a lot like mine, never would admit to anything I had to become a detective! See my story Confused About Cheating Spouse. It's so sad for us because there's nothing we can do about the choices they have made, can't take them back..Does your H work in mfg.? Just curious because I used to and saw first hand how many H and W were cheating. You know he is lying it's just hard to accept and I'm sure he is very convincing to you because you love him because that's the way I am with my cheating H. I feel awfull for feeling sad for him right now because he wants to come home but I have no trust in him. Why do I feel sad for him?? Stick to your guns and make him admit to the truth, then maybe ya'll can go for counseling. Don't let it go without getting help, that's what happened to me when my H cheated the first time. Have you called her?

Never called her...I figured that would do no good. She would probably cover for him anyway.

I didn't think he was unlikeable when we married. I guess I was blinded by love. Now I see things that I didn't see before, or that I may have seen and ignored. All I feel is sadness and nausea...every single day. I am sick of this...and yes he does work in manufacturing...someone else asked that question.

Why did you "pick" him to be your husband? He caught your eye for some reason.

Pep

No - this is never the case unless you are a teenager .... How old were you when you married?)
Dig deeper.
He met a need of yours - perhaps you never thought about it before?

Pep

I think it was the fact that we had history. He was the first boyfriend I really ever had, and we "went together" during elementary school. I think I was in love with the idea of going back and finding my "sweetheart" from back in the day. I was comfortable with him because of the past.

Ok, I get it.

You are sentimental and a bit of a romantic aren't you?

Pep

You are correct.

Oddly enough, not sure if this is just true for the OW but I called and confronted both OW that my H had A's with and boy they spilled their guts. Maybe they got scared that I wanted to do them bodily harm and in their eyes he wasn't worth that. I learned a lot from the OW about what happened, but that is the way I am I had to confront them too!

[i][i]A woman is like a tea bag...You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water![/i][/i]

In that case, do not allow yourself to make big life choices from the perspective of your romantic nature. You must also have a practical pragmatic side in life. Don't trust your romantic self to choose wisely. Use your romantic nature to enhance and enjoy life after your pragmatic logical side has made good choices.

If you know you are a romantic by nature - you must take control of this part of yourself - that is your responsibility. Romantics tend to repeat their same mistakes if they don't learn how to balance their romanic side with more practical decision-making.

Am I clear as mud?

Pep