Together for 7 years, married for 4. No kids. First marriage for both (that will soon be obvious).
1 year ago (June), we relocated across country for my job. I wanted the position so much, I believe I manipulated her decision by telling her I was unhappy in our marriage and we needed a fresh start. She was reluctant to leave friends and family, but had a quick change of heart. I told her I'd be different. I wasn't. I'm blinded by selfishness.
She didn't want to make friends in our new place...didn't put down roots. Told me she was unhappy, but I was too busy. The new job had me working long hours, and I was insensitive to her needs. Her heart was not in it, but she hung on for a while.
In the meantime, we make trips back home to visit for the holidays, etc. Family and friends come to visit us too.
In mid-January, she takes a trip home for a family event. 10 days. Upon her return, she's different, has a tattoo (never did before), and tells me she's unhappy and will leave if I don't change. She gave me a list of things I wasn't giving her. She shocked me, and I had the wrong response. I withdrew, felt attacked on my own turf. I GAVE UP OUR BED!!! Told her I didn't feel welcome in the same room as her. At the time, I didn't realize we hadn't had sex for over 3 months. Although, we only ever had it once a month. Every night she'd ask me if I was sleeping in the other room again. I wanted to run to her and beg forgiveness, but I'm as stubborn as she is.
In mid-March, she's joined me in the other room, but no sex. I'm still hurt and withdrawn. But we're doing things on the weekends, outdoors, shopping, etc. She asks if we can get her a newer car, it'll help her get out of the apt. - she tells me. She's heading back home for another 10-day trip (work training) and could use a more reliable car. I cave, and buy a car in my name. She sits there and lets me get a loan in my name. She leaves for her trip and we talk on the phone for the first few days, then the calls drop off. She doens't return my calls.
10 days turns into 17 and she shows up one night unexpectedly. She tells me she's leaving. Doesn't love me. Wishes we never met. She packs a few things, and four days later (our 4th wedding anniversary) she drives out of my life.
I made bad choice after bad choice throughout the process. I didn't beg her to stay, I played tough. I said we'd both be fine. I showed her how easy it is to get an uncontested divorce. I took her to the bank and opened a new checking account and took her off the old one. Gave her half the balance (not much). Told her we'd figure out the car later. She wants to make payments to me, but I think it's a risk. Tell her to get a loan and buy it from me, or return it. I make it very easy for her to leave. I HELP HER PACK THE CAR!!! I cry as she pulls away. She says she doesn't hate me, just can't live with me. I wish her "happy anniversary" with tears in my eyes. She says "sorry."
This was 8 weeks ago. Since then, I've realized all the neglectful things I didn't do for her. I've realized I chose a career over her. I realized how easy it would have been to respond to her when she reached out to me. I've made a terrible mistake, but she tells me it's too late. She doesn't want to see me. I visited her new apt back home and brought her some things she asked for. She wanted me to send them, but I used the opportunity to see her. She did NOT want me there. Agreed to speak with me though. Same story. Wants a divorce and there's nothing that I can ever say or do to change that. She doesn't want to talk to a counselor.
She's alienated my family, and her family. She's running from the pain, and not dealing with it. She believes the fairy tale of romantic love not taking work and involving pain. She's emotionally immature, but you can't tell her that.
I've decided to pursue her and quit the job I chose over her. I will take a large paycut. I've destroyed any trust between us, by saying one thing and doing another for so long. I realized the only way to show her my love was to sacrifice the one thing I made more important than her. When she found out I was coming back, she was furious. When she found out I now thought it was wrong to let to go so easily, and I wouldn't sign the papers without a fight, she was furious. She says she's going to lawyer up and sue me (althougth there are zero assets to fight for, just the signature).
I've told her I'm not the same man who made her leave home. I told her all it took to get my attention was a 2X4 to the head. She cannot or does not want to believe my words. She doesn't want to open herself to any more pain. Everyone in her life has let her down. I wanted to be the one to break the cycle, but I was too selfish and too busy for her.
All I want is another chance to sit with her and a counselor. She says she's sure we could talk it out and work on it, but she doesn't want to. She's not interested in fixing it. The vows and the commitment mean nothing to her. She was only in it while it was fun. I love her unconditionally, even if she's been unfaithful.
My plan is to find a job, get my own place and let her know that I'm here for her if she wants to talk. I don't want to be annoying or drop in on her or her friends or family.
Am I crazy? Off base?
Sorry for the long first post. I just found this website. Why couldn't I have found it MONTHS AGO?
