This is funny...

I was out on Saturday and sure enough, saw WH. He was with a mutual friend of ours (pretty much the only one left that will talk to him) and OW. (I had forgotten how nasty OW looked (till I saw her) since the day I showed up on her doorstep)

Anyway, WH glared at me talking to our friend. Then he told OW, and (funniest thing I have ever seen) they both whip around at the same time to look at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I totally rocked that place though. I had fun... all while he watched from afar. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So, I get home from work yesterday to an email from WH. He says people have been sending him the threats I have made towards him on Facebook. (not true) He has printed off my page and given copies to the police. Um, okay.

I laughed. One because he is obviously not over me AT ALL... cause why the coincidence of my being out having fun... and you suddenly have been threatened.

And two, because it is not at all true... just an open ended threat... for who only knows what reason. If police are involved, as he claimed in his email, then why is he emailing me about it????

For those familar with Facebook, you can set your privacy settings to different levels, depending on your own personal security. It also has a section for writing notes... whether it be letters, stories, or anything else you feel the need to write down for your friends to read.

My Facebook page is wide open... I have absolutely nothing to hide. I wrote a note last night telling WH (who I know has been keeping up on me through Facebook) to continue to read my page, scan my notes, look over my friends... because I have no secrets. I am not ashamed of my situation at all. I am not in the wrong... he is. And, he is being ridiculous. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It is interesting that he is reading your Facebook page. If things are so wonderful with the OW, I wonder why? If I were you, I would keep the notes cheery and upbeat. Try doing some fun new things and write about them.

He is wanting to blame you for things because he probably feels guilty. And maybe he feels negative contact (accusing you of threatening him) is better than no contact at all. Who knows? But anyway, you have a great tool in Facebook!

Even funnier is the fact that he has sent me emails saying do not contact me... blah blah blah.

Lordy. Why email me then?

Oh, and this is even better.... all of OW's family members are listed as being in his extended family. LMFAO!!! Like, come on. You've known them for like 4 months... and probably have not even met them.

Ahh, my MB family. It has been along while. I took a long leave of absence from MB, so that I could find my way on my own.

Well, it has been 1 year, 2 months, and 6 days since I caught (nearly) XWH in the act. I have since received notice of my (x)WH filing divorce papers. A very welcome piece of information. I managed to get the financial part of my marriage laid to rest. And now, I wait. For the end to finally arrive. What a difference a year makes, huh?

I've had my ups and downs over the past year. The one thing I struggle with, is letting go of the hurt I felt, and not allowing the man I am dating now to suffer the consequences.

I find it difficult to let go of the fact that he MAY leave one day. I know that if he leaves, there is little to nothing can be done about it, but how long can one expect to have those feelings?

I am sure there are many of you out there who have dealt with those thoughts and fears. Any advice for this soul? I am going to take some time to check up on the MB'ers that helped me get through what was the most traumatic experience of my life.

And, once again... thank you. For your support, advice, and most of all, your patience.

And, to those who are just finding themselves here... consider yourselves in good hands. I survived. And I did it with the help of my friends here.

Oh... and just to add:

(x)WH has kept some contact with my sister's boyfriend. Mainly over a vehicle that we had when we separated. It had been in my name, and WH had decided that he did not want it anymore (I had let him drive it because he had no car .. I know, I know)

Anyway, I decided I did not want it either. I hated the thing. So, I sold it to my sister's boyfriend. When it had been returned to me, there were some problems with it (possibly why it WAS given back) so, I sold it as is. I could not answer any questions as far as the vehicle went, because I had not driven it in the last months. So, he had to call WH to find out.

Conversation one consisted of him complaining that he hoped I was happy because I have everything, and he has nothing. Then, he accused the man I am dating of "badmouthing him" (boyfriend does not even know what he looks like) around town. He ended his convo with "Life pretty much sucks"

The most recent conversation, consisted of his unhappiness again. NWTT is so happy, and I have nothing. (note: he is still living with OW)

*sighs* Just confirmation that life is not at all better on the other side.

.

I have a question ... and not nessasarily for you but in general...

It's been 14 months since you caught him... (How long since separated?) You're not divorced yet... but you're dating...

My question is this....At what point is it appropriate to start dating again?

I know my first divorce was two years in the making. From the time we split up until it was finalized. Then it was another year after that before I started dating.

Amazin

I have to admit that I was still to sleepy this morning.

11th Commandment: Thou shall not date until divorced.

12th Commandment: Thou shall not have a serious relationship for one year after the divorce to heal.

I have heard it said that you shouldn't start any new relationships for at least one year after ending one.

Let's take that idea one step further...

For example... People who have an un-healthy relationship with alcohol are alcoholics... I've heard it said that they shouldn't start a new relatioship for at least one year after they have their last drink...

To do otherwise... is setting themselves up to fail at their attempts to stop drinking... and probably fail at their new relationship as well... There are probably statistics to support this somewhere.

Is it too much of a streach to think the same thing about a marital relationship?

I don't agree.

Let's say I sit and wait for a divorce. I live in a country where you cannot go and get a divorce that easily. You hear all the time of couples who find out about infidelity, file for divorce, and then within a month, Bam! Divorced!

In Canada, you must live separated for 1 year before you can even think of filing. I have not seen my (x)WH in over 7 months.

Why should I miss out on finding someone who treats me well, respects me, and above all else, may be the one person for me? I may not have chosen to end my marriage, but I can now say that I am glad it did.

See, after the love for your WH starts to fade, you start to see things you did not see before. I found I had been married to a liar, manipulator, serial cheater, etc. I found that some of his behaviours had been emotionally abusive. I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and when it started to thin out, I was no longer blind.

In the past year, I had to face a lot of demons. I found out about credit issues that I had no clue of. I found credit cards that had been closed by us (years ago... but someone just had to call the credit card company and ask them to get them back... and he did)

I am in the middle of dealing with a bankruptcy, because said cards went unpaid for so long...

I learned a lot over the past year.

So, while many of you may not agree that dating while waiting for those papers is okay, I will respectfully disagree. Especially since the man I am dating, is the most fantastic person I have ever known.

I wouldn't trade him in for anything.

Sorry ... I wasnt trying to throw you under the bus... I hope that you find happienss and everything works out for you...


It was a just a question that I had in general... How long should someone wait until they start dating again????

Maybe that's a good question for a new thread...

I know you weren't.

I was just adding my own opinion, whether or not people agree, it doesn't matter to me. I am happy. Life is good.

I don't think one can assign definite time lines to any of this stuff. Its like saying "recovery takes 2 years". We KNOW that isn't a rule, if anything, its a general understatement.

I think the idea of waiting to begin another relationship in the wake of infidelity and divorce is a good idea simply because it takes time to heal from the emotional trauma of these events. Kind of like healing from a broken bone. If you broke your leg, you probably wouldn't go skiing right after you got the cast off. The length of time between getting the cast of and going skiing would vary from person to person, but I think most would agree that skiing wouldn't be the reasonable first action.

Some will say that dating during divorce proceedings is adultery itself. I think that is a matter of opinion and cannot really be applied as a blanket statement to everyone's situation. I don't fault anyone for dating after being betrayed and choosing to end the M as a result of it, but I do think its reasonable to urge everyone to be careful and not make any decisions while still wounded.

Ms_Manners, your signature data is interesting to me because it's similar to my own (married 7 years prior to D-Day, together for 13, no kids).

I thought I was one of the few people here to have been married for a few years without kids. Can you tell me any more about why that is for you? And any other important factors about your marriage?

We had no children because WH had a slight "problem" in that area. Yes, that was the nicest way of saying it.

So, despite the fact I really, really wanted children, I loved him more.

Well, now that he is gone, I will have my dream of a family. I guess life has a way of working out for you, in time.

As far as my marriage went...

WH has a problem with spending. Many, many times, I had to take control of the financials, because he was out of control. When it all ended, we had no savings whatsoever! He lied of course, and told people that we did and that I cleaned out the accounts. *shakes head*

He stopped paying bills and I found out later on that it was because he filed for bankruptcy and failed to notify me. After getting a call from a creditor asking me where their money was, I started to do some searching. Found he had re-opened a previously closed credit card (all it took was a phone call) and because I had been named on it, I was responsible for the debt. A debt that had been 7 months unpaid. My credit rating was shot, and it was recommended by a credit counsellor that I too file for bankruptcy because I am young. She went out of her way to help me out though, because she really did feel for me. I was screwed over, and she had been in my situation once.

So... life pretty much goes on for me. I realized that WH was not the man I thought he knew. Yes, he was very sneaky even before his A, and he could lie... just not to me. I decided after 5 months of grieving that I was given another shot. Someone had helped me get out of the mess that WH was dragging me down in. We had nothing to show for all of the debt he accumulated... no home, a couple of vehicles and a big screen tv. That was it.

I was given a second chance, and no way in hell was I gonna waste it on him.

I know how people here feel about saving the marriage... but, I feel as though I saved myself. To me, that is much more important than the marriage I was trying to fight for.