Hello There,

I am married with 2 kids aged 5 and 1. I have been married to my lover of 5 years for the past 7 years. Initially when we were courting, DH was a very caring and loving guy. He was very concerned about my wellbeing and feelings. He is from a very humble background and has a bit of low self esteem when I first met him. Nevertheless, he is a good looking guy and is always egoistic about his looks and since those days, he used to tell me how famous he is with women because of his good looks. DH was brought up in a very orthodox manner unlike myself where we openly convey our emotions to our siblings and family members.

Before I married DH, I was working in a well-known company with a very high salary. DH asked me to resign the job and wanted me to further my studies. He told me that this would also allow me to concentrate on my pregnancy and also I would be able to care for the kids. I did as I was told. DH was on the merge of starting up a business at that time.

Over the years, his business evolved and now he earns a lot. He travels every month to another country because of his business needs. When he travels, I am left at home together with the maid and the kids. His travelling days are usually 3-6 days sometimes spanning over into the weekend. As for myself, I have continued my studies and have pretty much been a housewife all these years, cooking and cleaning and taking care of his needs and the kids. About two years ago, he suggested getting a maid to assist me at home since he could afford it now. I agreed and he chose a young Indonesian girl to be our maid. I never thought anything much about it until recently. He has also employed young pretty girls to be his office staff and personal secretary.

At one time in our marriage, DH suggested that I assist him in his company. I agreed but after some time I had to slack off because of the children’s needs and also because of my studies. He accused me of being lazy and sloppy and often questioned me how I could slog in my previous company and not do the same in his company. He is very possessive of his business and has very high expectations on his staff. Therefore, I retracted and didn’t want to get involve in his business because it would cause more tension in our marriage. I guess he was pissed off with my attitude then. Over the years, he hired many different women to perform the job that he had given to me in his company. Y was one of them. She performed well and he often commented about her capability to me and praised her for all that she was doing for him in the company. Then he hired Z, the pretty young secretary and again I am often made to listen about both their capabilities. I feel that he does this to show that other women can outperform me in what needs to be done in his business.

Sometimes, I can get quite moody and during these times, if shown some care and understanding I snap out of it pretty fast. DH doesn’t understand this. When I get moody and when something upsets me that triggers me to cry non-stop, he ignores me until I come running back to him apologizing for my bad behavior. I always get the cold shoulder until then. He told me once that this is a very bad behavior that I need to change.

3 months ago, when I was busy preparing for the submission of my doctorate theses, I left the kids at home with DH and the maid for about 1 month. I used to leave early in the morning and would get back home late at night. During these times, the maid cared for his needs as well as the kids. When I completed the submission, I found the maid’s behavior to be totally different than previously. She doesn’t respect me anymore and seems to care a lot for DH. DH tells her to do whatever needs to be done and she carries it out as perfectly as possible. Coffee with less sugar, shoes to be polished, shirts to be ironed for neDHt day’s meeting, everything gets told to her and gets done. I am left in the dark. Sometimes he tells me to get his stuff and before I could do it, the maid is already there handing the stuff to him. He smiles at me in mockery pointing out my incapability.

I had a long talk about this with him and asked him why was he giving so much face to the maid. Sometimes, when he goes for his overseas trip in a taxi, she waits until he gets into the taxi and waves non-stop until he is out of sight. It is as though, I feel that in this house both the maid and I are fighting for his love and attention. He told me that whenever I get moody, he needs someone to carry out his needs and he can only hope on the maid. On weekends, whenever he offers to cook, he prefers doing it with the maid rather than I and asks me to take care of the kids while they both cook together right in front of my eyes.
Whenever he is away from home for his trips, I feel so happy and relaxed. Whenever he is back, I have to monitor his movements and the maid’s to make sure they don’t spend so much time together. I started kissing him before he went to work recently right in front of the maid just in an attempt to show her that there are limitations to her actions in this house. And DH is so very happy with all the extra attention he is getting from both the maid and I.

We have a new neighbour now. I get very jealous when I see how much time the hubby spends time with his wife and kids. I know he doesn’t earn as much as DH does but sometimes I wish I could trade the income for some extra time and attention.

Last Friday, DH came home from an overseas trip. He came home quite late. The maid was waiting for him. I told her to go and sleep and I would wait up for him. When he reached home, he hugged and kissed our son and said he missed him a lot. No hugs and kisses for me though. He just smiled and went into the house. The next morning, he carried our one-year old kid and went outside. The maid was there. She smiled broadly at him and he smiled back. The pain I felt at that time was unbearable. That night we had a wedding dinner to attend (his staff Y got married). He told me to decide whether should the maid come along or not. I decided not to go for the dinner and also because I was very hurt because he was ignoring me after such a long trip. That evening, when he was leaving I told him that I was not coming and gave an excuse that our youngest child was not feeling well. He was upset because he said his office staff would be expecting me as well. He immediately called up some of his staff and asked them to car-pool to the wedding since his car would be empty without me and the kids. No attempts were made to persuade me. But his staff have made other plans. That left him alone to go for the wedding dinner. Then he suggested that we leave the youngest child at home with the maid. I agreed and got dressed hurrily.

At the dinner, his young secretary Z was really dressed up and he commented how beautiful she looked in front of me. I felt very hurt because when I was dressing up, he told me to hurry up or else we would be late for the function. I could see openly, that both of them were eyeing each other like lovers and I feel so sad and lonely watching all these happen in front of my eyes. Next he went over to Y and congratulated about how beautiful she looks on her wedding day. We shook hands and snapped photos together. All these I underwent with a heavy heart.

On the way back, he gave me a running commentary on how good both Y and Z are with his office work. He actually awarded Y some bonus money because of her sacrifices to the company. On the way back right until now, I have been crying. I am in so much of pain because of the jeolousy and the lack of attention that I am receiving from DH. He never bothered to ask me what was wrong or why am I crying. I feel so hurt and lonely. I am thinking of divorcing him. I hate him so much for making me feel this way. Deep down I know he will ignore this moody behavior of mine until I snap out of it. Why can’t he be more compassionate towards me? What is wrong with me? What have I done wrong? How can I rectify things?

Please advice me. Suicide is also high in my list now because there are so many women around him tending to his needs. Why would he need me? How can I get over this jeolousy feelings? I feel that ever since he became rich, he has changed. He feels that everyone can be bought over with money.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long thread. Please respond and help me with a solution. Thanks.

What is your culture of origin? It strikes me that you may be from an Asian country, with somewhat different roles and ideas for men and women in marriage. What does your culture expect you to do when presented with this kind of situation? Let us know what you're told you ought to do, then we can tell you how it's done here and you can decided for yourself how far out of your cultural norm you want to step. I have been surrounded by Asians for the last 50 years, in family, friendships, and work acquaintances.

Give me a little background on your cultural norms before we try and express too many opinions.

Hello thndrnltng,

Thank you so much for replying. Yes, you are right. I am an Asian Indian. I am an English-educated woman married to an orthodox Indian-educated man. In my culture, the women cook, clean and care for thier kids and husband. The husband works and earns for the family and comes home to happy household. In this culture, the men are always right. The women follow what they are told to do by their husbands. No arguments, no negotiations. If there are misunderstandings, the women must ask for forgiveness even though it's not her mistake. Bottom line, the home must be a place for DH to come home from work to relax and be happy.

I am tired of living my life this way. I wish I am shown more affection and kindness. The irony of the whole thing is that DH is able to show open affection (kissing and hugging) towards the kids right in front of me. Why is he not doing the same towards me?

Last night, I told him that I am very unhappy that he is not showing much affection towards me. He got mad and scolded me for being very ungrateful. He says here he was slogging away day and night to provide financial support to the family and after a week long's work away from home, my moody face is what he gets. He asked me whether are hugs and kisses more important than earning big money. He said I should be lucky to be able to stay at home and need not travel and suffer in foreign places for the sake of the family. That was the end of the conversation. I just cried myself to sleep. This morning he left to work without even saying goodbye. I am feeling very guilty now. Am I asking for too much? Maybe I should just stop this whole thing and go on being 'the perfect wife' to him.

I appreciate any views you have. Thanks for reading.

And, as women become more educated in those cultures as you describe, those cultures will surely change, but not before there is a ton of cultural and personal grief and turmoil. It is hard for an educated woman to live comfortably in a culture where women were thrown on a husband's funeral fire until quite recently.

Your husband is traditional and he likes it that way. It is highly unlikely that he will change. And I base that comment on my own knowledge of many cultures around the world and knowledge of men in general. That he is not highly educated makes his entitlement mentality even more rigid.

But you know all that. And you know that you have a choicel; either accept the way things are or divorce him. I believe you understand that those are your choices. I have no knowledge of Indian divorce laws and thus cannot even speculate what would happen in a court of law in your country. But you probably know or can find out.

Wealthy males in this country have a history of affairs just like your country. The difference is that our culture at least gives lip service to the negative aspect of affairs and the young women who participate are more likely to push harder for the "golden ring" than the ones where you live, plus divorce courts are very much biased for the betrayed wife.

If you think he will turn around his attitude after you have exhibited a half hearted attempt to be negative about his behavior, then it is clear you don't understand how it works. He thinks he has the power, so he is going to do exactly as he pleases. And if you push him gently, he is going to react exactly as he has reacted. He is no longer infatuated with you nor you him. This too is how it works. Infatuations only last for some period of time and then die out, to be replaced by real love or just familiarity or cultural demands as the case may be.

It is all about power.

You married him. You probably thought it would be different for the two of you. That was your ego and infatuation talking to you. Now you have found out that your worst nightmare has come true even though you didn't expect it, want it or need it. Was this an arranged marriage?

So what do you do? Again, make the best of it, fight with something more than a weak request, or divorce.

I wish I had a magic button for you, but I don't. Perhaps others on here can help.

Larry

I don't have an answer for you tonight--certainly not one right off the top of my head. But what I just quoted above is most of your problem in one sentence. Your education has provided you with the opportunity to view life outside your cultural norm. You've seen that women don't have to be treated the way traditional Indian men are allowed to treat your wives. Your husband hasn't learned this, and doesn't want to. Why should he when the "usual" is so much in his favor? In my experience (which was mostly with Chinese and Japanese), American Japanese women had a very hard time making a successful relationship with Japanese men from the home country. They weren't obedient and docile enough to suit their husbands, who had been trained that a woman's duty required that she should be quiet, subservient, submissive, etc. Japanese American men, on the other hand, tended to LOVE how they were treated by their Japanese wives.

I'm not sure that you can get enough help here, on an anonymous internet forum, to "fix" your husband's attitude towards you, which is deeply-ingrained in him and which his culture has taught him is his right to expect. If it's fixable at all, I think you need face-to-face, personal attention from someone who understands both cultures. What you can find here is help for yourself to cope with what he is doing, to survive his unkind treatment, and to decide what is best for you, if it turns out he's not willing to make any changes. This would NOT include suicide!! Many people here who have failed to recover their marriages are still grateful that MB has helped them to recover themselves. If that's what you ended up taking away from this site, you'd still be way farther ahead than you are now.

Hello Larry/Thndrnltng,

Thanks so much for replying and providing me with your views. This itself brings much solace to me knowing that what I am going through is not because I am mad (which DH always claims I am for bringing up all sorts of 'new' ideas). Reading the other MB posts and also Dr. Harley's concepts has also given me much courage to go on with my marriage when these conflicts arise.

I guess I am still shocked that this is the same guy that I was in love with for 5 years before getting married to him. Infatuated at that time I guess. And after being married to him for the past 7 years, I think I finally woke up from my dream thinking that I can go on trying to live my life as how he wants it to.

Well, I finally gave in to him again this time. I apologised for my bad behaviour and gave him a hug and a kiss. And guess what? As usual, we are back to our normal life again. He talked to me again as though nothing has happened. His message to me is 'You are not going to change me by crying through the whole Sunday demanding for something that I will not give in to'. Before going to bed last night, I told him that if we do not do something about my unhappiness, our marriage will end up in a divorce. He told me to shut up and go to sleep. End of conversation. What I understand from his behaviour is that he controls everything in our lives- I am a nobody. I feel so unappreciated.

The other thing that I do not understand is what is he trying to do by constantly showering the kids with hugs and kisses right in front of me. He constantly askes them whom do they love more; their Mom or thier Dad? When the answer is their Dad, he gets excited and looks at me and says, Don't get jeolous ok. The same goes with other women. Why is he constantly praising other women in my presence? To make me jeolous and upset? Well, he has indeed succeeded to the point that I spent the whole Sunday burning my eyes with tears. I am just trying to understand him and his motives.

Thanks again for reading my thread and responding with your views. I appreciate all the support I am getting from this forum. God bless all of you for the good work you are doing. Thanks again.

The only thing I can think of that might make him treat you better is to talk to his mother. She might be the one woman he listens to.

I'd almost bet my life that Mama is one of the main ones who taught him that this is the way things are supposed to be, both by precept and by example. She first taught it by modeling--in her acceptance of such treatment from his father; and then she taught it by instructing--telling him what a man deserves and has a right to expect. If his mother sides against him with his wife, I will be shocked into silence. Not for long, of course, but at least briefly! It would be a rare woman of his mother's generation who had resisted her cultural expectations and duties; and I think if she had, she would've taught her son something different along the way. The fact that he brought to his marriage the attitudes that he has, suggests to me that she did not.

One of the BIG tools on MB for ending an affair is exposure. I don't see this as working in this situation, since most of the people she could expose to would see what he is doing as perfectly acceptable and no big deal. They would more likely be proud of him for "living the dream." He's the boss of his own company. What's Human Resources going to do to him? She could report him for sexual harassment to the government. It has the possibility of getting him in trouble, but not so much if his "victims" won't cooperate with an investigation. I'm not sure that would help her recover her marriage,though, even if it might briefly satisfy a sense of revenge.

I almost see her best bet as gentle disengagement from the current dynamic. No more crying. No more rages. No more complaining. All those behaviors are seen by him as signs of her weakness and his power in the relationship. By treating him with neutral courtesy, and a refusal to engage in the kinds of dispute that make him feel like "top dog", she will (1) protect herself from a lot of the emotional turmoil that his trips home produce, (2) take away his sensations of power (which he enjoys, no matter how much he complains at her about what she's doing to make him upset), (3) remove the need to apologize when she's done nothing wrong (also feeding his power needs), and (4) confuse the HECK out of him by wondering what on earth she's up to. #4 is my personal favorite...

I think that if there is any possible hope of mending this marriage (and I'm honestly not too optimistic), the first step is in mending herself. Weakness is not attractive. Neither is crying or raging, or any of the other behaviors she's let his abuse bring her to. If she can control herself, and at least superficially appear unaffected by actions he performs deliberately to provoke her into behaviors he can then condemn, she might have a chance to forge something new and better than she has now. Crying on the inside is OK. Crying on the outside is not. He will not be able to figure out what's happened to her and will think WAY more about her than usual in trying to solve the puzzle. This will be very hard for her. Emotionally, and because she's got a long-established habit pattern of response to what her husband does. That's hard to break but it can be done.

And if it doesn't work on him, it's still good for her to change how she feels about herself. Whatever happens, she's still a mother and a young woman with a life ahead of her. She has a lot to live yet, and young minds to mold and teach. That requires strength, regardless of what happens in her marriage. Not letting herself be steamrollered by a clueless, uncaring man is an excellent first step to achieving it.

Suggestion: Consider your perception of the problems, and what YOU can do to change them. You are giving a lot of control, even over your own feelings and actions, to your H. He is not "cooperating" with how you wish things to resolve. And really, that's okay. Sounds weird, but it's true. He has his own way of thinking about things, just like you do. And Thetha, you have a LOT of influence and power, over yourself....and within your relationship. If you apply methods that are respectful and admiring, you will come closer to finding your own happiness.

Speaking of unhappiness, your H is not responsible for how you feel. YOU are responsible for how you feel. And you can change your emotions. Take charge of your own emotions - do not cry and carry on in front of your H and expect him to make things "all better." Your crying jags and obvious unhappiness are having the reverse effect on your H, have you noticed? From your descriptions, it appears he is disgusted with your behavior. You are not presenting an attractive side of yourself that he can appreciate. What are the maid and employees doing? They smile, they work enthusiastically to please him. He speaks positively about them....

What can you do? As mentioned above, stop the crying jags in front of him. They are unattractive and get you nowhere good with him. Find things to make yourself happy. Show him you are a pleasant person. It's okay to show appreciation for him - he seems to want it. Actually, you can show appreciation for him in some very interesting ways that will get you mega-points with him - he starts extolling the virtues of one of the other worker women, you can comment that they're so good because they have had an excellent boss who outlined their tasks well, and how proud you are of HIM. See? Turn it all around back to him. You become more interested in his virtues than actually what he is saying about the women.

When your H asks the children who they love best - laugh and say oh my dears, your father knows you love both of us because you're such wonderful children, and I am blessed to be married to such a wonderful man who KNOWS you love us both....keep it light and fun.....

thndrnltng, you are 100% correct. He is a real Mama's boy. His mom did everything for him- she was a perfect 'servant' to both him, his brother and his father. Actually, H made her stay with us for the first 3 years of our marriage life. He told me to learn the 'art of family-life' from her including cooking (her style), cleaning and caring for the kids and the family. Well, I do NOT intend to have my kids grow up to be a MCP like his dad though. I don't blame my MIL though. During her time, the women were never given education so that they would be both submissive in character and dependent towards their spouses.

I can't do anything much about his affairs. I just hope by making myself a better person, he will eventually be faithful to me again.

I will try out your suggestions. Although I think the crying part is going to be difficult as it has become a habit to me. But I will definitely try to change myself since this weakness is what makes him think that he is in power.

Thanks so much for 'listening' to me. God has answered my prayers.

Thanks Laura, You have given me a whole new perspective of the problem. I will try them out. Thanks for your time.

Let me see if I can put somewhat of a perspective on some of the advice you have been receiving - from the male point of view. I should tell you that I have visited or lived in more than 2 dozen countries other than the USA. Cultural Psychology was my major in College and I have maintained a real interest in how the rest of the world works over the years.

So far, you have received terrific advice. I especially like the simple fact that THND has nailed it about his mother. I have had the saying "God and MOM made him, you aren't gonna change him," that I have passed out to countless women over the years who complained about their husbands. Frankly, if women would quit spoiling their sons, we might have a better world. Be that as it may, he can be manipulated but not by any methods you have been using so far.

So the question is, can you change how you react. Since you cannot control him using the methods you have been attempting, are you willing to change the methods you use? If you are, there is a chance you can get a better or more equal handle on how you are treated by him, if not, then forgetaboutit. In other words, you can't control him, but you can control yourself, at lest in theory. Through controlling yourself, you can manipulate your husband using different methods than the ones he uses to manipulate you - and manipulate you he is doing for sure.

He should be relatively easy to manipulate since he is undereducated and overopinionated. In the narrow range of his business, he is likely very knowlegeable. In the rest of the human experience, he is likely to be very unlearned. So again, he should be an easy target if you have the smarts and self control to take advantage of his situation.

It all boils down to a simple truth; your current methods have gotten you nowhere except a lack of respect from him. So change how you do business instead of complaining.

Larry

Please understand that doing these things is NO guarantee of success for your marriage. He is still going to choose what he wants to do, but as the saying goes, "For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction." You change how you deal with him and something will have to change in how he deals with you. Your crying gives him power. It reinforces his feelings of being in control, and encourages him to do the same things again--since they've worked so well for him so far. It's like buying a little kid a treat in the store when they've had a tantrum trying to get it. The tantrum worked this time; it's guaranteed that they'll try again to see if will work the next time, too.

You need to remove yourself from his dominance. You don't have to announce that you're doing it. That would be counterproductive anyway. But you keep telling yourself (in your head, not out loud!), "I am not your sock puppet." Do they have sock puppets in Indian culture? If not, let me just say that they are puppets made out of--are you ready?--a sock :), and the hand inside the sock controls everything that the sock does. (Google "Lamb Chop puppet" and you can see a sample of some really clever sock puppetry.) Sock puppets are great as entertainment, but it's not good at all when you're the sock and your husband is the controlling hand!

Practice till you get it right. If you feel like you're going to cry, leave the room, etc., until you're under control and can maintain the appearance of unconcern over his tactics. If you do this faithfully, it will get easier with time, I promise you. I can't promise you that he'll like it, but you will feel better once you stop being the trout--rising to the fly every time he casts his line and hook.

How do I know you can do this, and change your personal dynamic? How do I know it gets easier with time? I'm 60 years old. I grew up with the feminist movement, but I was not a bra burner, and feminist rants still give me a headache--although as a medical professional I'm certainly glad to get paid very adequately for what I do! When I was in my late teens and early 20s, I was a very clingy, wanting-to-be-dependent-woman. Let me just say, that was then. This is now. I can't say my husband has entirely enjoyed the transition, but he has survived, at any rate. And I would never, EVER want to go back to the time when I constantly, fearfully, rode an emotional roller coaster based on the whims and moods of a man. If it meant I had to be alone (and in your case it would at least not be an impoverished "alone"), I still would not give up my individuality and self-worth to anyone, but especially to someone who didn't value it at all. Please don't let him keep on doing this to you.

You can be gentle. You can be kind. There's no need to be confrontational. Just begin to be in charge of your own emotions, actions, and reactions and see what happens. Whatever it is, there'll be people here cheer you on.

THND is giving you great advice WHAT to do. I won't go there, but I will comment from a male point of view that her advice will effect changes. They may or may not be the changes you want, exactly, but perhaps with a new self control of YOURSELF, you may decide that what you want now is not what you will want after your transition.

THND is attempting to show you a path to adulthood, in my opinion, without actually mentioning it. I will be more blunt and say it like it is. And I will also tell you that she is an OB Nurse, or in other words, someone who has to deal with some of the most insufferable, ego driven, pig headed and successful persons on the planet, otherwise known as Medical Doctors. So she knows of what she speaks.

Larry (husband of OB Nurse)

Thank you, Larry. At the end of a rough day, you made me laugh out loud. I'll go to sleep with a smile on my face tonight!

Larry and THND and the rest of MB members, Thanks for all the advice you have given me. I will try them. If I get into more problems after this, I will visit this forum again to share my problems and hopefully obtain some emotional support as what I have received this time. God bless you always and do take care.

Superficial.

Think about it. You didn't learn a new approach that easy. What books are you going to read? What new approaches are you REALLY gonna try. What is your goal? What is your plan?

Larry

Anyway, I told my wife about what I said and that you laughed. I also thought of another one. PeP is also a Nurse and in a prior life says she was a flying waitress for PanAm. Well, that was not exactly what she said, but you get the idea.

Which brings me to the point that she has a talent for very short but meaningful statements. I have long suspected that comes from being a Nurse and having to effectively communicate with Doctors, who generally have a short attention span unless they are talking about golf.

Nurses put up with abuse from Doctors all the time. But if the Doctor heaps it on too thick, Nurses have 104 ways of making life miserable for said Doctor, something that most (but not all) old Docs know very well.

All the best.

Larry

hi thetha

this is from an highly educated, very orthodoxically brought up asian indian working in high tech. Hope what i am going to say might help you.

1) Our men tend to respect their wives if they are educated and have a career or social status and do not bother much about housewives . (not all of them are like that but still some of them)
2) Please take up something , it could be a job , it could be a hobby or whatever where you can shine.
3)Act happy and be happy. Make yourself busy
4)Order your maid to keep of your hubby and give her clear instructions about what she can do and what she can not do.If she does not obey, FIRE her.
5)Do not ever cry infront of your hubby for whatever reason and be strong. Do not beg for love even though it is his number 1 duty.
6)Never miss an oppurtunity to go out with him. When you are out with him, dress up and be happy and make yourself attractive to him.
7)Be strong. Talk to him about your needs in a calm , strong voice and tell him where your marriage is heading and where it could end unless he mends his behaviour.Tell him where it would take his kids. The number one fear of the indian male is about the disintegration of his family.

My thoughts are everywhere, so as my words...


dhanush

Hello Dhanush,

Thanks for your views. Sometimes I just wish my husband would be more open towards me about what he is thinking. In that way, at least I can try to understand him better. Like those days, when he always used to share with me his ups and downs. Therefore, I wouldn't project him to be a perfect guy with no 'down' moments. He has become soooo busy nowadays that his daily life is spent either dealing with his work, the gym, the TV, his business customers, the kids, and even on weekends he spends it on other social activities which I am not part of. The only time that I have him to myself 100% is when he wants sex. What am I? Some sort of a prostitute? I am sorry for being blunt but I need to let my emotions out somewhere. Why is he not interested in spending time with me alone???? I can't imagine how am I going to incorporate the 15 hours per week (Dr Harley's advice) into our marriage life.

Sometimes I hate being rich. I hate it when he showers me with all these expensive gifts from his overseas trip. For heaven's sake, I want someone to talk to. I know he is trying to make up for the lost time by doing this. I never believed that money could change people but now it's happening to me. He constantly tells me about how lucky I am compared to my other siblings because we are rich and we can afford to do many things that they can't. But what's the point? When all I need is some love and attention from him.

You know how Indian families are. Talking about the setbacks of our married life is a taboo subject. I have no other avenue to talk my problems out. I am trapped. The only other person who I cry out to is God.

My husband has told me numerous times that he would prefer me to stay at home and be a housewife. He'll be the breadwinner and i just need to take care of the kids. Like what his mom used to do. I have decided that I will never be a stay-at-home mom because of what I am going through now. I am trying to apply for jobs now and he has been quite unsupportive about it. I have been a part-time student, part-time housewife for the past 6 years and I want some change in my life.

Anyway some of your suggestions are good especially #3 and #4. I promise I will try them out. Although I can't fire the maid cos he pays her monthly salary and has much say in what she does.

By the way, if you are married and have kids, please don't do this to your wife. The least you could do is give her a hug or a kiss or just say 'i love you' to her before you leave to work in the morning. That is enough. Sorry but I am just giving you a wife's point of view.

Thanks for reading and thanks for your views. God bless you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.