OK friends - need some suggestions. My BF and I have almost reached the 3 year mark - and things are getting stagnant. Apathy is starting to set in.....things are becoming mundane. SF is slowing at a rapid pace - and conversations are becoming harder and harder. We don't live together, we see each other on weekends, and one or two nights during the week to work out together, but the spark is gone........

not quite sure what I'm looking for - suggestions on how to get that "newness" back again maybe??

Thanks.

So how does he feel?

Are you going out on dates?

Are you friends with benefits?

Have you settled into a married routine and don't like that?

Some things to think about!

Dawn

Yes, lots to think about - I'll try to answer:

Friends with benefits? No - we are more than that. I'm very involved with his grown children - his family, he with my family (no kids for me) - we just threw (he and I together) a fabulous bridal shower for his daughter a few weeks ago....so it's more than the friends with benefits thing....

I think you hit the nail on the head - we've fallen into that married routine - and we are not married.....don't even live together....and I feel that things shouldn't be so routine if we are not married.......

I don't know how he feels, I haven't asked him yet. Kinda afraid to ask him "hey, do you think things are boring and mundane?".....

You posted the exact same concerns 6 months ago. What have you done since then to either change, improve, or reevalutate the relationship?

Three years is a long time to invest in a relationship and have it still be at the "we see each other on weekends" stage.

I understand the "go slow" concept, but why are you not talking about the "next step"? Sounds like you are both waiting for "something" to happen, and since it hasn't, you are feeling disillusioned (?).

In your arrangement, it is very difficult to properly meet each other's emotional needs properly, so it's not a big surprise that conversations aren't flowing, SF is struggling, etc - the Love Banks are not being filled.

The question is, do you WANT the love banks to be filled (which would require focusing on meeting EN's), or are debating if you want to keep investing more time into the relationship?

Clearly, if you are asking HOW to make the relationship flourish, the answer would be to focus on meeting EN's (time together, RC, etc). But if your question is WHETHER to make the relationship floursih, then I'd like to hear some more about what you see as missing in the relationship.

AGG

Is it possible that this relationship has simply run it's course?

Sometimes relationships end not with a bang but with a whimper.

You are so right.....I did post the same concerns a while ago - because I felt that the relationship was becoming stagnant then. Nothing has changed.

Yes, three years is a long time - and we are still at the "dating" stage. The problem as I see it is that neither one of us either wants to, or is ready to, go to the "next level". You see, both of us have lived through divorce, we are both independent, both of us make a good living, etc. So, neither of us is in a big hurry to make it legal. Living together is NOT an option, I won't do that without the commitment, BUT, I'm not entirely sure that I want that commitment either. I know it sounds like I'm a nut, but I am not a loner, I enjoy male companionship, I do love my BF, but am soooo wishy-washy on the idea of forever and ever.

So, I guess this summarizes it for me - I LIKE the "weekend" relationship - however, I want it to be good always. No, not ready for marriage, not ready for living together, etc. Just want it to not get dull.....

So, am I a nut case or what??

You still have to meeting needs! Both of you! Go read and see hpow to do that!!

Read some books do some research on dating and find some thing appeals to you and then go for it. Through some spontaneity in it, do something different, kidnap him and take him some place goofy or crazy that would be way out of the norm for either of you and then make the best of it. Mix it up some!

Good luch and have fun!

Dawn

I suspect that like marriage, even a 3 year long "weekend relationship" will not always be good without you putting in the effort and focus on meeting emotional needs. It sounds to me like you both have busy productive lives, and then try to fit each other in when you have the time. Guess what - this is the number one problem in marriages too, between work, kids, chores, trash etc... That is why Harley is so focused on investing the 15 hours a week of undivided attention.

It seems to me that you and your BF get together when you have some "down time", but you are probably pooped from all your other chores, which is why you end up falling asleep in front of the TV. If you really want things to not get dull, you would need to focus on spending QUALITY time together, be it travel, other activities, or whatever - but just lounging around is unlikely to make for an exciting relationship.

This thread is interesting to me, because I am also in a relationship where neither of us is in a rush to get married, but after just over 1 year together, I find myself thinking sometimes, "so are we gonna date like this for years? Is that what I want? What are the downsides?"... I think your thread shows me some of the potential downsides...

AGG

[quote=AGoodGuy

This thread is interesting to me, because I am also in a relationship where neither of us is in a rush to get married, but after just over 1 year together, I find myself thinking sometimes, "so are we gonna date like this for years? Is that what I want? What are the downsides?"...
AGG [/quote]

Well, that's the $64,000 question here. I've done the old "are we gonna be like this forever?". You're right - it's like a marriage - it takes work - and it's easy to fall into a pattern of apathy....the work comes in when I'm trying to reverse that pattern.

As to your question about the downside - I think the downside would be if after a period of time, one person in the relationship is ready to take that "next step" and the other is not ready........or won't be ready in the near future. Then, look at the time you've spent?? Not a problem between my BF and I - neither of us is looking for a wedding just yet.

Thanks AGG - you really do pose the questions that make me go "hmmmmm".....

Laura

Well, just because you are not ready for the next step, doesn't mean that it's not appropriate to discuss expectations for the longterm. Are both of you looking for marriage (longterm)? Are you looking for just dating for the next 10 years? I think it's reasonable to discuss some of these expectations, to avoid the kind of surprises you mentioned - you know, the ones that start with "oh, but I thought that the plan was to eventually ...blah blah blah"..

AGG

I don't really think you can be happy dating for 10 years. It is not supposed to be that way. Marriage is the way, but I also understand how difficult is again to trust someone and let go.... Whatever each of you think about the long term (and near term) , you should share with each other to ensure your thoughts correlate well enough to stay in the relationship.

If you want to move past the stagnant point, focus on increasing your time together & applying the MB principles as much as possible. Also, I tend to believe the 90% of feelings can be controlled within our thoughts. Control your thoughts, and you can control your happiness....