I don't see how this even resembles recovery. It sounds like she is happy in her alone life, but likes having you come around to take her out, take care of her, stroke her ego, and maintain a "nice" facade for DD. I don't see where this leads to recovery, unless you are willing to play along in this role. She managed to create a divorced life without the actual divorce. My guess is that she will continue this pattern until she finds someone she wants to start dating openly, and then all her "issues" will suddenly be resolved.

AGG

Your wife by her words and actions has made the following clear to you.

1. She does not love you
2. She is not attracted to you
3. She will not kiss you
4. She thinks of you like a "buddy" now
5. She is more attracted to other men than you.
6. She will most surely find more men and cheat again and again.

I feel for you. I urge you to move on. why hit your head any more. That brick wall will hurt after years and years of continuing to hit your head. you are precious and you do not deserve this woman. Be pleasant for the kids sake.

You are told as countless others do not talk recovery.

You are not doing the 180. It's one thing for WW to bring up relationship talk. You do not.

"she was going on how it might take years to get back to where she might want to be with me. Wants us to get along really well for DD's sake"

"I go forward to give her a hug"

WW is keeping you at arms length. She has not seen your changes long enough to see if they are permanent before attempting recovery. Or throwing you enough attention to keep you in line for "DD's sake".

I saw your first post on this thread was 8/13/2007.
Too many pages to read to know if:
Did your WW have an affair? Was there a Dday? NC?

Whether or not does not matter. Your WW has been out of your home since July 2007. You are letting her be a cake eater/fence sitter big time.

The Harley's recommend 6 months at the time for a plan A. Some men it is best that they cut it shorter for several reasons. You are over due to go to plan B.

You must plan B your WW. It is time to force her to face her decision to live a life without you. Total darkness. Use third party to handle communications and child exchanges.

Send that email to WW this Friday effective from that point onward until she decides to recover the marriage.

You know ron, we tell people all the time to pay attention to what a WS DOES, not what they SAY.

Your WW is feeling things out. I think you just hold steady if you still want to recover the M. You let down your guard a bit and talked about the relationship and didn't like what you heard. Don't do that again soon. I'd suggest a bit of a 180 be incorporated into your plan. Perhaps next time she calls wanting to do something you not be available for some vague reason. Maybe the next time you plan to hang out you say "hey ya I'd love to hang out but I have to bail at 9:00 to meet some friends. . " Create some mystery at the same time you are "dating" your WW. I would suggest that you not make the first move physically. Feigning complete indifference while still having a good time is the plan I think.

I don't know that I think you should be willing to do this for too long a time. But to me it sounds like your WW is pretty interested in what you have going on right now and it still seems somewhat hopeful despite what she says.

Wow..... I have a lot to consider! The opinions I've read are as different as all of the members on this board. Believe me, I respect and appreciate everyone's input... Your interest in my "little saga" is something that gives me a lot of strength.

First of all, right now, I'm really, still pissed off at myself. I bloody well knew better, but just couldn't stop myself. I feel ridiculous and pathetic in my own eyes, not to mention hers, or yours. I know I'm being used by her, I've given her all of the best parts of me, and then she goes off to her own place. Sure has worked well for her!

When she talked about "dating" and "counselling" it certainly gave me a bit of hope, and last nights conversation really pulled the rug out from under my feet. She hasn't said that she is writing us off, I got the impression that her timeline is likely going to be a lot longer than I'm prepared to put up with. Having said that, she's still going to the counsellor on Monday, and if she is still willing to go after that, well, I've waited this long..... If she is going to a counsellor I don't see that going to Plan B is going to be effective.

I never did get to a Plan B...one issue that comes up, is that when I have DD, and I go to her events like riding or soccer, the WS wants to show up and watch. I haven't discouraged that, especially give what she said about the dating and counselling. I think if I don't like where the counselling sessions go, or if she continues on in this pattern, I'm just going to write the whole damn thing off. I'm too tired of having this hanging over my head. I'll give it one more chance....see where it goes. Last night may be just one night in many more, or it could represent the death knell in my efforts in reconciliation.

Tyk, I like what you said about feigning indifference... That is what I've been trying to do, for the most part I think, successfully. I'll keep doing that, as long as there is interest on her part, in seeing a counsellor.

She mentioned that if it weren't for DD, she would have been gone. If it weren't for DD, I would have held the door open for her.

Well, it's been a few months.... for those who were interested in my situation, here's what's new... not much...

We started counselling, she went once, and decided that was enough... We went on a few dates, and each one was like the first, repeated...

The house has finally sold, and I've bought a great place in town, it's good for me and the kids. She's taken her cut, and is about to buy a place half an hour away, in a crappy area of another city, despite knowing it's a #$#$#hole area............

Believe it or not, she still wants to be 'friends'..... Would it be wrong to say I can't stand the very air she breathes?

Needless to say, things didn't go my way..... Life's a [censored], then you marry one.

Ron

Ron,

No it would not be wrong. You can and must be civil to her, but friends???? Most friends don't treat you like she has do they?

I don't hear that you have filed for divorce. have you? You should you know. She is just playing around with the situation and has clearly made no effort to restart this marriage much less rebuild it.

I don't recommend divorce lightly, and clearly the hope of this site is to offer approaches that will lead to rebuilding the marriage or at least allow time for a marriage to recover. Time and separation are not on your side at this point.

I think it is time you considered ending this with her.

God Bless,

JL

I have read this entire thread.
No, it would not.

Is she still seing "Slime"?

Sounds to me like her physical affair never ended.