Understood MG, thankfully, the last baseball game is Thurs. night and WW has already informed the kids she will not be there due to a work meeting. These games have been the ONLY opportunity for interaction; thankfully, that has now ended!

As for documentation: I have EVERYTHING that has been said and done on a calendar in my PC. I realize that, months from now, I will not remember all of these specifics, I have tried to be as thurrough as possible.

Here's an eye opening update for you...

I was just informed, through our Mediator (a mutual, female friend), that WW is threatening to try and gain full custody of my children.

Her condition for NOT doing so is that I FORCE my 12 year old son to once again love and respect her.

The biggest catch is that, if there are ANY custody battles during this seperation/divorce, our state has already informed BOTH of us that they will REMOVE my 2 year old, soon to be adopted, daughter from my home.

Apparently, WW is willing to sacrifice this child in hopes of regaining the admiration of the other two.

What she doesn't seem to realize is that, if she does jeapordize this adoption in any way, our other two kids will NEVER forgive her! Not only will they no longer wish to be around her...they will never speak to her again! They, as well as DOZENS of others, will turn their concern for her well-being into hatred if she does this.

Now, you tell me, how in the world can I possibly FORCE a 12 year old, puberty stricken, boy to respect someone who has done what WW has? He is VERY intelligent. He sees that his mom has chosen OM over ALL of us...not JUST me! He does still love her and is concerned for her emotionally and spiritually, but he chooses to keep a very safe distance from her just the same.

He now says that he is NEVER going back to spend another weekend with her. Her antics at their ballgame the other night only solidified his opinion of her.

My 10 year old daughter attempted to have a rational conversation with WW yesterday evening. She says that she told her mother that she loved her and wanted to spend SOME time with her, but that she will NEVER live with her again and wished to stick strictly to the visitation schedule she knows we have.

WW's version (through the mediator!) is MUCH different. She says our daughter told her that she loved her and wanted to spend MORE time with her!?!

I do know that OM was discussed. My daughter says that her mother told her that OM was very special to her and that she would get to meet him soon. She told her that she EXPECTED her to be nice and respect him as an adult. Our daughter says she didn't respond to this in ANY WAY, but told me that when she does meet him, she plans to "kick him where the sun don't shine!"

I hate to think what the 12 year old will do or say!

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I WILL NOT force my children to be respectful to a man who has wrecked their home under the cloak of being a minister and "friend." They will NEVER accept him as a part of their mother's life...and I'll admit that I'm kind of glad!

For the past several nights, WW hasn't even called or texted the kids to tell them goodnight. Last night, my son commented that, "She must be on the phone with him...guess she doesn't have time for us." Kind of funny, since he won't talk to her anyway, but VERY perceptive. He knows that his mother has chosen OM over everybody and everything else, just as he knows that I will ALWAYS be here for them, regardless!

I'm treading lightly here in the event that there ever is any hope for R. I certainly don't see any right now, but, if there is, I know my kids will have to forgive WW just as I will. We've had those talks of what MUST happen in the event she ever does return...but I know that they will NEVER look at her the same way again now, regardless of the show they might put on.

How does a child EVER forget the memory of going to bed one night, thinking life is wonderful, and then waking up the next morning to the vision of mom walking out the door for the last time? A LOT of water has passed under this bridge in the past 27 days, and it will never be forgotten by ANY of us!

Abandoned,

I feel so sad for your kids, and that poor child you are trying to adopt. I hope you have documented all of this, and consulted with a lawyer yet again about what your W is demanding. You need all of the ammunition you have to protect your children.

She is burning alot of bridges right now and think some sort of intervention including supervised visitation is required.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. Again, I feel that I'm kind of in a pickle here legally because of my future daughter.

I fear that, if I initiate legal action, WW will fight for custody, essentially signaling DSS/Adoptions to come and remove her.

Is my wife this vindictive and heartless normally? NO!!! In fact, SHE has pushed harder for this adoption than I have.

I just keep reminding myself that she is in a FOG!!! She doesn't even know what she's doing right now, so how can I predict what she might do? I never thought she was capable of ANY of what has taken place, so I have to prepare myself that she might be willing to sacrifice the foster child in hopes of saving her relationship with her biological children.

TWISTED LOGIC...I know. This will all blow up in her face if she pushes things in this direction; but, from inside the FOG, she doesn't seem to be able to see that!

Ab

You should promptly talk to your lawyer and make it clear that you do not want your kids to meet OM or be anywhere near him. I believe that it is something you can do, but states may vary. Hopefully someone with more knowledge on this will chime in.

That would be an extremely crushing event for your kids to have to meet him let alone be pleasant. They are much too young to have to try to cope with that situation now. Protect them from this if at all possible.

I am soooo sorry that they are going through this. Their lives will be forever altered. And their R with their mother will be forever changed.

I don't know if you are the "hugging" kind of father, but if you are not please make an effort to be. Your kids need hugs and LOTS of them. They need to feel safe. My heart goes out to them.


((((Ab and kids))))))

Your WW's behavior is atrocious. Someday she will crash. It is not going to be a pretty sight. She has hurt herself more than she can ever imagine. And when she finally sees the light (someday she will) the pain will be severe. WSs don't see it coming.

Hang in there Ab. Be the father that your kids need and respect.

You're doing good.

There is a reason that the adoption people are considering withdrawing the adoption:

They don't want to adopt out a precious child to a troubled family going thru a divorce!

It is because they dont want that child to have to endure the extra stress, possible pressures or neglect that fitting into a troubled falling apart family would incure. Look at your own kids and what they are having to go thru because of you two splitting. They are truly suffering. The new baby deserves better if it is possible.

Please don't lie to the authorities to hide your life and therefore get that child. It is wrong. Don't fail to take strong steps to plan B or separate in order to hide the facts from the State. Whenever you hide the truth it hurts others. And in this case the adoptive baby is the victim. You must be willing to let the baby go! Your marriage is destructing and you must let the child go.

Please dont hide and lie so you can keep the baby. It will only hurt the child in the long run. Your family is unstable. And may never be stable again. You will never be over this for many many years. Your wife may never come back. Your other kids will suffer now the rest of thier lives. Why put a new baby thru all this too?????

Have you consulted with your lawyer over this threat? I know she's the one handling the adoption, but this threat goes to prove that your WW is not fit to have any significant visitation as she cannot think in the best interests of this child.

Is there a way your lawyer can put the fear of God into her over this threat and what the reality means for her and her children?

And another thing - does your attorney know of the escalation of abuse for your 12 yr old son?

Your intermediary might be able to get the point across that if she costs your adoptive daughter her family, you will go all out to see that she gets supervised visitation so that your son can at least feel some protection from her self-centered world.

Abandoned, your story is another reason why society these days makes me sick. How in the world can society let someone who's brain is as f****d up as your WW have a legal leg to stand on!! Sorry for the expletive, but there is just no other description for it! There is no way this can be viewed as anything but mental and emotional abuse to her OWN children and I don't give a hoot what kind of fog she's in. I heard my share of fog, but the objects whose fate it was affecting were things like crystal vases and power tools, not children. My blood is boiling that this no-fault divorce society can allow WS's to have any rights at all.

What should happen is the BS should have automatic entitlement to everything - possessions,wealth and custody. The WS broke the marriage contract and, therefore, should forfiet all rights and priviledges of that marriage. Upon decision to separate, it should be the WS who has to grovel and beg the BS form mercy and if necessary, take them to court and have to prove to a judge WHY they should get anything at all. As it is, society promotes WS's to be completely unfit parents, mentally and emotionally abuse their children, put them in a situation where they are at higher risk for physical and sexual abuse (the OP) AND the courts won't even let you bring these aspects to light when deciding who get's what and what those children's fate is going to be.

How the heck did a society advanced enough to send a man to the moon sink so low as to not protect their most precious resources - their children!!???!!!!!????

Sorry about the rant/tj - had to get it out.

I believe that cheating spouses should be prosecuted and put in prison. Since it is against the law to cheat on a marriage in most states.

But aside from that that poor baby. You may have to give up that baby now due to your wife not being a good parent. You have to admit you two adopted her together. And now you are apart and your wife is a bad parent. I would not want to adopt out a child to a wife like that.

Since you are still joined to this BAD wife and mother, the adoption people will HAVE to look at the situation. I am sorry but it is the reality. No use glossing it over for the adoptions people. Your wife is a liar, a terrible person, and a bad abusive mother. At this time the adoption is applied for BY YOU BOTH even the abusive cheater! No kid deserves to be in the middle of a divorce. It is bad enough that your biological kids will have to suffer. But why bring another one into it.

Get your priorities straight and care for your children, the ones you created. They need lots of care now.

Could you get a divorce and apply to adopt the child as a single dad? At least that would be honest. Since it may come to that.

HOLD THE COURSE AW3! She is trying to get to you, any way she can. You need to document her threats, judges won't like children being used as pawns. How is WW communicating with the intermediary? It would be wonderful if she were writing this stuff in emails.

Talk to your attorney about all these issues. Perhaps it is time to consider a legal separation to hopefully prevent her from interfering in the adoption? Full custody, for her, is a pipe dream. Its very unlikely she would be able to get it, given her actions and situation and your kid's attitudes toward her. She may realize this and only be threatening it to make you react. You can't fix her relationship with the children. You didn't break it. I wonder if you could let her know that should she persue a custody battle that you will seek to begin collecting child support from her immediately.

Wow, you guys are all over the place here. Here's what is CURRENTLY happening.

MY home is VERY stable, not my marriage...but my HOME. My kids and I do great when WW is out of the picture, even for a day!

My state HAS been made fully aware of this situation and, thus far, completely support me adopting this child ALONE. They have only stated that she will be removed in the event of ANY custody dispute!

I'm sure that they have not placed too much emphasis on this separation, as many times couples R before there are any real issues. However, this is VERY real and WW seems completely willing to sacrifice this child in order (she THINKS) to win acceptance by her biological children.

STELLA, I AM applying to adopt her alone. I am NOT lying to anyone here. I realize that this isn't fair to ANY of us. But, this is the only home she has ever known, and I KNOW she would not be better off in another, strange, foster home. She is still young enough to not realize fully what is even happening. She is my daughter...I will fight to keep her in any way possible!

I completely agree that WW should have NO rights AT ALL in any of this. SHE stepped out! SHE left! SHE is putting her children through all of this! NO, I wasn't a PERFECT husband, but I know that they don't exist.

I have been hesitant to file formally because I was hoping to avoid the custody issue until AFTER the adoption was final! At that point, WW will have NO rights to my youngest daughter (the soon-to-be adopted one), my 12 year old son will GLADLY proclaim his desire to NOT be with WW, and only my 10 year old daughter will be left to have to fight over. She feels the same way as her brother, she's just not as bold right now!

As to her R with her children...you're absolutley right, I didn't break this...I can't fix it! "You reap what you sow!" WW will have to clean up her own messes.

AS I've stated before, WW has ALWAYS (until now) been a VERY spiritual person. YES, she will hit the wall, and she won't see it coming. Unfortunately, I just can't sit here waiting for that to happen and be expected to help fix all of this. The lighthouse is STILL aglow, but it is growing dimmer by the day!

AW3,

There is a process to legal stuff. Waywards can posture and threaten, but nothing can happen without a process.

You need to file a legal complaint and request a pendente lite order and establish a legal separation. You can site adultery and you can have the order include a requirement that OM never sees the children.

You have much more control of the situation than you realize. If it does come down to divorce, your son would have a say and they won't separate siblings.

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Your mediator would make an excellent witness.

The incident with violence to your son is huge and your own daughter's statement about hitting OM where it hurts speaks volumes to people in this process.

Your kids are being forced into dark thoughts and places and your DD is just a few years away from the onset of the hormones and mood swings of teenage daughters. It's quite an experience from those who've gone through it, so I've heard.

DD will be very protective of you and will get downright nasty with OM. Your son will be flat out hostile too.

Keep documenting. The system isn't blind to the things she's doing. It's YOUR behavior that will be under great scrutiny because you are a man and man have to live up to very, very high standards to win in family court.

Get a pendente lite order. Get a formal legal sep and establish an order that there is to be no contact for your children and OM.

Stay dark. You're doing a good job.

ab, have you gotten the kids to a counselor? They really need to see someone, to have a safe place to talk about this, and hear from someone other than you that it isn't their fault. All kids blame themselves.

CP, I did seek out and was referred to a counselor for the kids on Tuesday. I called and left a message, but have not gotten ANY response. I will follow up on that now.

I fear that it will be made to look like I somehow turned WW's children against her. Not only do they need someone neutral to talk to, I legally need to be able to say that I tried to help them better deal with this, independent of me!

I agree that this will be beneficial to them!

AW3,

Remember that you are not that far into this and you are not at Plan D, you are Plan B. Don't let her threats get to you. That's all they are - threats. No need to react, if you weren't knowing anything at all about what she is saying or doing, you would be at peace. Try to be in that place...a place of peace. This time is for you to heal and become stronger.

Since you are not filing for D right now, don't act on this at all. Let time pass, document, document, document and remember that is in the FOG!!! And this FOG will probably last for quite some time because it sounds like OM is about to become more a part of her life. Remove you and your kids from the situation as much as possible without it becoming a legal battle and without you having to have any contact with her.

Time will change this course!! It could go either way, but time has to pass.

Hang in there, you have been awesome!!

If she continues to be a creep then you will soon lose your love for her. If that happens you will be able to handle things much better. You wont have the dichotomy of love/hurt/desire anymore.

YOU WONT EVEN WANT HER BACK!!!!!

In her present state and condition...I DON'T WANT HER BACK NOW!!!

...but, I do still love her and care!

aw3,

No one wants a wayward wife back. And don't worry about what others say in terms of "you turning the kids against her".

Not doing as she wishes is very different than turning the kids against her. They have minds of their own and I don't get the impression you've done anything other than show support.

And getting a legal separation agreement doesn't mean you're divorcing. Such a thing protects the kids, insulates them from OM, and secures your rights as a father.

I'm calling my attorney NOW to set up an appointment to go ahead and file for separation!