My H is pretty mad at me right now, not sure what to do.
He flys off the handle and does have anger issues. He had asked me to go check this car out he thought we should by, the first night i couldn't go b/c i was car pooling and wasn't going to ask my friend to take time out to do this, she was in a hurry to get home. When i got home he was there with a friend, he asked me if i went and looked at it, i explained no i couldn't and why, he then went off on me, started yelling at me...in front of his friend, it was emberassing, i just said sorry nothing i oculd do..then the next day i didn't go, i just forgot about it and didn't want to turn back after coming home..he asked me if went to see it, my gut cringed b/c i thought he was going to loose it if i said no, i wanted to avoid this...so stupid me said ya i did...it just came out of my mouth, i was so dreading him getting upset with me that i just said it, i went to him after and said im sorry i was stupid, i was worried you were going to get mad at me, i didn't see the car. I know what i did was wrong, i am at the point where i can't handle him flying off at me...when it happens, then he starts with other things too..i really feel sick about this but i don't know what to do. He is still mad at me, and not really talking to me, every morning he usually kisses me goodbye, last two mornings since this has happened...nothing...i know he is mad. I have vowed to not do this again to myself and i realize its very hurtful...but at the same time...i don't feel safe being able to tell him things sometimes and i avoid telling him just to keep the peace.

Being a W of an abuser in my first M, I know the fear that you are mentioning. I don't know your story, but I would search for a support group, read the basic concepts here and see if they can help you. But most of all, protect yourself.

Just from the 5,000 ft. level, not knowing the whole story, it appears that this ignoring stuff is part of control and manipulation. You might learn something from ezb's post about that on Other Topics. It's quite lengthy and informative.

Again, most important of all....be safe!!

I cant agree more.
Look for a support group - if this happens over a car i dont want to think about worse scenarios.

Be safe

fed up, what your H is doing is causing you to withdraw from him and will eventually cause you to fall out of love. Angry outbursts are a serious lovebuster and if he wants to stay married, he is going to have to stop it. He is also going to have to stop the selfish demands.

I would read this article Lovebusters and get the book, Lovebusters. here My H did this same thing to me and I just asked him: "do you want me to stay in love with you?" And explained how he was eroding the love in our marriage. You have a RESPONSIBILITY to tell him the truth about this and give him an opportunity to change it. If you do nothing, nothing will change!

ML is exactly right. If you do nothing then not only will it not change for the better it will get worse. Trust me I know I did get worse and worse and worse until she filed for divorce, left me and slips further away each day it seems. I, of course now, hate that person I became. I've learned a lot and done a 110 (not a 180 because I'm still learning and struggling). I can tell you it is hard to see from his view. He has the power, your scared to stand up and he's probably liking it all and learns how to control you more each and every day. Don't think that he doesn't still love you, he might love you more then he knows or can show. Be as strong as you can to stand up to him. If he becomes violent then you should protect yourself and any children at all costs.

Remember he might not realize hes gotten as far as he has. That is not an excuse for you to take more though. It is also possible for this to change though but it takes you being strong. Not a B, but strong.

I believe it always comes to 1 of 2 things:

1. Pyhsical violence starts.
2. He breaks down, realizes what his is actually doing and tries to change.


If you love him then realize he can change and he might love you more then he ever did after the healing. Realize also it could get nothing but worse.

"...when it happens, then he starts with other things too.."

Fed up, what you do mean by that statement. What does "he strats with other things too" mean? I'm worried that you mean he starts hitting you, or pushing you.

fedup, many people who have angry outbursts don't even realize they are doing it, much less the damaging effect it has on the marriage. I did it for years myself until I became enlightened here.

My H also did it, but he NEVER RAISED HIS VOICE so he did not believe he was having an AO. He was SHOCKED when Dr Harley told him his behavior WAS an angry outburst and he should go to anger managment classes. It shocked him so bad he has never done it since!

So, it might just be a case of ignorance of the effect this has on you. And I second GG's question, what do you mean when you say "other things too?"