I'm not saying TO GIVE UP on YOUR MARRIAGE but FIRST you have to place your focus on TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.

You seem to be putting HIM up on some kind of a PEDESTAL.

I say this because you keep talking about wanting to end YOUR LIFE without him.

Life is not worth living without HIM?

YOU HAVE YOURSELF.

I was there where you are..in your shoes...

I had to learn THIS.

I was putting my H up on a pedestal... and you know what?

He found that to be UNATTRACTIVE about ME.

You need to develop your SELF-CONFIDENCE, giving the message that YOUR LIFE CAN GO ON WITHOUT HIM...

Go on a CRUSADE to FIND YOURSELF..to learn to take care of YOURSELF..and THIS MAY or MAY NOT be the answer for your MARRIAGE..but in the end YOU WILL FIND HAPPINESS for YOURSELF...

AND..I can't know.. BUT maybe if I was YOUNGER..I MIGHT have moved on..Infidelity is PAINFUL, DEVASTATING and LIFE-CHANGING..takes YEARS to heal..I'd been with my H MY WHOLE LIFE..for over 30 years, with grown children that we had raised together...so my age and stage is much different than yours...

You are right Mimi, somehow i keep on thinking that if i am miserable, he will feel sorry eventually n come back. But it is the misery that probably drove him away.
I fear that if i move on, he will think that, 'see she is coping and i don't need to worry about her, my affair doesn't affect her' so it's ok.

But i can't force him to love me, and i need to love myself b4 he loves me.

EXACTLY!! This is NOT ATTRACTIVE!!


DING! DING! DING! CORRECT ANSWER!!

Brown,

You and I are SO SIMILAR in our ADDICTION to our H. Last year at this time, I wanted to DIE. Just put an end to the pain. I realized the destruction that my actions had caused the M I really wanted to die.

I couldn't imagine my life without him. But the one thing that I had was AA. I learned that I didn't have to look at the rest of my life. All I had to do was get through TODAY.

And so many people on here told me to make a life for myself, make me happy, EVERYTHING that is being told to You....

I didn't want to do it at all. I understand HOW HARD this is. I DO.. I understand came to realize that one day wasn't going to make or break my marriage. It was going to take time. And certainly not MY TIME.

But just get through today, do what Stella says - what can you do that's nice for yourself , and just concentrate on today. Don't worry about tomorrow.

{{{{{{{{Brown}}}}}}}}}}

Ms Brown:

You said: "Mimi - so do i give up on him? Is he not worth my efforts?"

I am so busy today I dont have time to read your whole thread. Would you mind please and RECAP what efforts you are putting forth saving the marriage? It would help all of us to help you.

The realization you had of seeing how you were crying and unhappy so your husband would come back to you is...well...HUGE!

These realizations of the TRUTH will keep helping you move forward in your life.

Could you list everything you can think of that you are doing, saying, or how you are acting, to try and get your husband back?

Well, my story is that H has moved in with OW. He wants a divorce. Initially, we went through a period of wanting to reconcile but he couldn't leave her. He then decided he wanted the divorce for definite. He was going to file if i didn't. I put in the initial petition, we filed it at the lawyers together. I gave him a card that night saying that i wanted him to be happy and that i will always be there for him. He cried a lot that night, saying that he doesn't know why he was throwing it away.
Since then he keeps on telling me he loves me but he is helpless and can't come back. I kept on telling him i love him and flirted with him. he didn't like it, said that i was coercing him to come back. Then he apologised. This week, told me i was using money to get him back, (i gave him a donation for his 10k run) and then he apologised again! I went to his office n dropped him some candy i had made. He liked it but then this donation thing happened.
Last few days our conversations have been civil. He worries about me eating my tablets on time. Wants to be friends but thinks our marriage has died.
I have joined the gym, dress better but feel quite low.

What do you LIKE to do for YOURSELF. What interests do you have without him.

I used to like reading but now can't concentrate. I liked going on long drives but now it reminds me a lot of him

Brown,

How long do you want to continue this self abuse and lack of respect?

How long do you want to keep throwing your heart out there to have it stomped on?

You are the one responsible for how crappy you allow someone else to treat you.

So if the objective of plan A is to leave the WH with good final memories of you, then it's time to move on to plan B because you keep doing good things for him but he finds these things to be LBs and annying.

So go dark. Make him wonder. Do the plan B.

One of the saddest things I've seen with the divorced women I talk to and associate with is that a large percentage feel they must have someone in their lives and aren't happy to simply be alone.

I had this flaw years ago and ended up in bad relationships and making bad choices.

I've learned in therapy that desperate people attract other desperate people.

So the advice you're being given about focusing on you is important. It doesn't mean go to the gym and get in shape. Those are elements.

It means seeking to make yourself a better person overall and changing how you think and approach relationships and life. Part of that is working out. Part of that is reading. Part of that is therapy. A HUGE part of that is learning to be content alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a woman in my life. But I no longer NEED to have a woman in my life. My life is rich without one. I have a female friend I'm interested in. I go on friendly dates for companinonship, but I recognize that my life is too chaotic for a relationship right now and am no longer actively seeking any.

I've even tabled "making a move" on my friend until the chaos of legal battles ends and my ex and I can have peace between us, regardless of how it happens.

So go dark and learn to be alone. Read. Get in shape. Join a church group and rekindle your faith. Get new hobbies that don't involve meeting men.

If going dark doesn't shake him awake, then you will be in a healthier position to seek plan D.

You really want him back? Quit giving him attention. Be disinterested. Stop being so available.

If you don't want to go dark then do the 180, which means you don't call him, seek to be with him, or give him attention. Don't donate money to his causes or flirt with him or give him any of your time. It means you chat with him politely, but appear to be moving on. The 180 is Plan A. Plan B is silence so you can heal.

Read it again and do it.

This approach works a lot more on men than it does on women.

I hate to see how desperate you've become because I once felt that way myself. Your efforts aren't appreicated and all someone in your state (my state 2 years ago) can get is pity from others. You're a doormat but it's because you're allowing yourself to be one.

Belive me, you will be a million times more attractive if you aren't as available.

Please stop torturing yourself and move to plan B.

Do you have any hobbies like quilting, crosstich, photography?

ahhhh brown,

Let me tell you ANOTHER story. The first weekend my WS had the kids was a doozy on him. When he came and got them, he was a mess and I was going out and in a hurry. I was in my "I love me" mode. I had lost some weight during this, had to buy some new clothes and generally, I was feeling ALIVE AND BEAUTIFUL AND FANTASTIC. This was the first time I felt that way in a long time. Now, my WS was not looking so great himself, and then to have me looking great and feeling great, it was VERY VERY hard on him.....he tm'ed me later telling me how great I looked and that he felt like I didn't need him.....

My point being, that I know you are AFRAID that it will make him feel the way you stated above, BUT it will have the oppisite effect. That night was the first time in YEARS Ihad felt that good about myself and it showed....and my WS SAW it....and that my dear friend was the night (unbeknowst to me at the time...) that I threw down the gauntlet and declared war with the BOW.

So listen and follow Mimi...she knows her stuff....

not2fun

ps...you can read this story for yourself...it on my first thread titled "MIMI, MARK...WE HAVE CONFRONTATION"....I am not sure where the story is, because that is a long thread, but it is towards the beginning, maybe around pg. 20 or so, but all this happened on the weekend of Jan. 4,5,and 6 so look for those dates.......

Nope, been quite a workaholic, between caring for the family, H and work, there wasn't really much time to do anything else.
I am going to go n learn how to swim this weekend. I have always been scared of water, time to let go of my fears.
We r planning on a girly night next week some time as well.

Hi N2f

I read ur thread, pretty awesome.
I will try harder - I promise!

The alone bit is what I guess I do struggle with.
Also, if i do a 180, ie not give him attention, then i feel i might not b meeting his ENs, as he kept on complaining about feeling worthless.

That's exactly right. You won't be meeting his needs 100% and THAT'S A GOOD THING at this point. Oh, and his complaining about feeling worthless? Oldest trick in the book to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. NO ONE BUT HIM can make him feel worthy. Just like NO ONE BUT YOU can make YOU feel worthy.

Quit playing his game. Change the rules. Take the focus off of HIM and put the focus on YOU. Watch what happens.

GOOD....

Brown, You have a lot of work to do for YOURSELF. Mimi and the others are teaching you how to take care of yourself, slowly create a new life that will be attractive to your WH. So that when he comes out of the fog, coming home will be a wonderful thought.

But it won't happen overnight and it doesn't need to been done all at once. Each baby step you take towards learning new things about what you like, you will naturally become stronger and more confident on who you are as a person.

I KNOW... This was my journey.

My WH said the same thing actually, I made the stupid mistake, before I really understood the Plans and asked him what he was learning about himself. He told me that he was learning that he wasn't worthless. One day I came to realize that how he feels or doesn't feel is NOT my responsibility. Just like how I felt was NOT HIS. So I began learning how to take care of myself, VERY SLOWLY, and I am leaving WH to G-d.

You can't control how WH reacts to what you do or don't do. You can't make him see what you want. But you can keep praying for WH to find G-d and wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Does that make sense? Too much?

I guess they are really 'baby steps' because like i a baby learning to walk, you fall, get hurt n then get up again and try walking again.

Thank you Q.

He rang me an hour ago to ask how i was, been feeling a bit fluey so he rang to check up - first time in months!

I know this is moving away from concentrating on me, but I need to talk about this. I think H is planning to marry her as soon as the divorce comes through.
He was talking about being broke by the of this year, and I am usual right about my hunches - he is thinking about paying for wedding, house etc I think. I know it sounds crazy but i am usually right about crazy hunches.
I so need to withdraw those papers as soon as I get the opportunity!

What's the holdup? If you have an attorney and the divorce has been filed with the court, CALL HIM UP and say, "Nonsuit the divorce." If you don't have an attorney, file it yourself. It's very simple to do. Basically a pleading that says, "Motion to Nonsuit". You don't even have to say why.