It feels odd to have posters on Pat's thread speculating about my absence. I've never been the mysterious type, so I thought I would speak up.

I haven't been here in a long time...not even to read, really. That is partly due to not having anything new to report, partly due to some goings on with other MB members that I didn't agree with. Mostly I just decided to try living life for a while instead of talking about it. Patriot mentioned to me today that he had a thread, so I read it.

I am doing fine, for the most part...just the usual ups and downs of life.

I stopped having the really horrible, desperate times the minute I ceased allowing myself to get roped into the whole gaslighting thing. I never fall for that bit anymore. In fact, looking back, I think it's sort of ludicrous that I ever did. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my percpetion and there never was. On the contrary, intuition is actually one of my strengths and I trust it. Add to that my placing much more value on my own opinion of myself than that of anyone else's and gaslighting tactics become ineffective.

I have seen some changes on Patriot's part. Speaking strictly from my own opinion, some of the changes are short-lived. That could be due to the fact that changing behaviors is not usually something that happens instantly...I don't know.

I do know that I feel pretty much the way SL described:


I gave up, too, except I'm still living here.

I tried to reach him, too.
He ran.
He hid.
He avoided.
He seemed to feel angry and "forced".
He even said things he thought would hurt my feelings to try to push me away.
Eventually, it worked.

When I would "go away" (emotionally), he would begin trying to get me back with promises of change, claiming a new awakening, suddenly reading all the marriage material books with vigor (funny how they are never opened unless he thinks I am upset).

As soon as I fell for it, my hopes would be dashed and he would do things such as ignoring me or acting in ways that I would perceive as my being irrelevant to him or unwanted by him. He knows that is a behavior that I find particularly painful (being an adoptee). I know that he is completely aware of how to use that weapon, as he has told me before that it was a useful tool in conducting his affair (e.g. trying to get me to feel unwanted so that I would decide on my own not to attend a function that OW would be attending, thus making him appear completely unresponsible for the independent behavior). It worked like a charm.

This game (I call it "Push Me/Pull Me") became too painful for me(and predictable) and so I stopped playing the game. Every once in a while I dip my toe in the water to check and see if it is safe to be close to him. When he LB's me, I withdraw again.

Instead, I spend my time doing all the things I wish I would have been doing the last 3 1/2 years, since the massive blow of D-Day.

Spending time with my children. My baby just graduated high school and is now enrolled at OU as a pre-med/biochemistry major (proud Mommy).

I am trying to emotionally prepare for the inevitable Empty Nest Syndrome, but I think it will still be very, very hard for me. I also have no one to relate to on this matter. All of the women my age have toddlers and elementary school-age children. At this point, they daydream about having a babysitter, while I'm watching shows and movies that I don't even GET and trying to improve my Guitar Hero skills just so DS18 might want to hang out with me.

Talking to my friends, some of whom actually feel like real friends now that I am not hiding the affair from them (I felt ashamed). I even finally told the kids the truth. It was foolish of me to keep that secret in the first place and I highly regret doing so.

Working on becoming more and more independent - financially, emotionally and physically.

Turning my photography/Photoshop hobby into a part-time career.

Reading fiction for a change.

That's pretty much it.

You know, I have not read anything simply for joy in well over two years. Nuts.

Even now, I have a book on loan about Boundaries. I'm going to finish it up and then find something I can float around the pool with.


OY, push/pull. For PWC, it took EXTREMES like Plan B to get him to begin trying and promising change. I couldn't just withdraw emotionally, I had to withdraw physically, too. Then, once he was home, he would stop. This happened a few times. It's insanity, and YES, like you said, LUDICROUS.

NO MORE DRAMA!!!

It feels good not to live with all that turmoil, doesn't it? I know, for me, it certainly does. I'm sad that PWC is gone, but it's the ideal that I miss, not what I actually had. I can get over a fantasy pretty easily.

I'm glad you posted, Froz, you do sound so much better, centered.

Congrats! I see so much growth in you. What are you going to do with your time once your baby gets out of the house? What hobbies?

Who's your favorite fiction author? I like Robin Cook and Grisham, but it's been forever since I read any fiction. Too much studying!

It's good to read your update! Thanks!

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself.

I've actually thought about going to college, if there were a way to swing it financially.

While I was searching for scholarships for DS, I did notice that I seemed to qualify for an awful lot of them - as a left-handed, red-haired, ADD, asthmatic, domestic abuse survivor. They actually award scholarships for all of those things!

I also like Grisham. The last book I read was The Appeal - definitely not my favorite.

Going back to college is a great idea. The scholarship idea is fantastic! And I believe you'd qualify for student loans for the balance.

What would you study/major in?

The student loan route makes me feel a little nervous. DS18's education is priority right now and the only way I'll do the college thing is if my education doesn't interfere with his.

As far as what I would study, I'm wavering between graphic design and psychology.

Being a graphic designer doesn't require a degree. I'm good enough at it now that I could probably put together a portfolio and do some freelance work, but I'd really like to look at a 2nd career.

I'm currently a hairdresser/salon owner. It makes a decent living, but it is inconsistent sometimes, no benefits and it is getting harder and harder to stand on my feet (health issues).

A degree in psychology would take a long time (requiring a master's to put it to use), but I'm only 38, so it is probably doable.

Any suggestions?

My son thinks it would be cool to be in college with his mom studying at the same time.

Do you run your own salon or rent space?

Graphic design with a business degree could a valuable combination to an employer who offers benefits. You could head up a marketing department. A business degree opens many doors, I have found. If you also minor in education, you then can use your salon experience, perhaps even become a teacher at a business college or cosmetology school.

Graphic design on it's own can be good if you are really good at self-promotion and networking. I worked for 15 years in graphic-design related professions. The biggest trouble for a graphic designer is if they allow a customer more than one revision on the initial fee. Getting the customer's clear communication about what is wanted and the agreement that once they see it they may change their mind, so you'll cover one revision, but if they're not good decision makers it's them that should cover the additional costs, not you - that's the biggest downfall of the profession; and customers can and do try to push the limits, so a better up front contract will ward that problem off.

The psychology route - worked in this profession for 3 years - two ways to go about that, but the longest and lowest pay along the way is the psychology major, masters, and PHD. Social work studies cover the same content, but you go as far as the masters degree, have enough supervised counseling hours, and take the licensed clinical social worker exam - pay is almost identical to the PHD for counseling sessions. You become a candidate for jobs within school districts, women's intervention centers, hospitals, and corporations for HR departments, as well as directly in the psychiatric disciplines. The scholarships you are looking at would look favorably at this route too.

The woman that cuts my hair has had neck and shoulder problems as well as foot troubles. Bodies wear out, that's for sure. Having an exit ramp built that takes you into another profession is a really smart idea.

Another thought - what's most important to you: benefits or freedom?

If you make enough money, you can handle your own benefits. It can be more expensive, but it's worth it. That way you can have freedom AND benefits.

BTW, my sister is a cosmetologist. She specializes in color. Not what she's back in town, she can do my hair again. She really is fantastic at it. It's a very creative field. My sister has some problems with her wrists and shoulders from cutting hair due to the positions that you have to work, holding those arms up all day and working those scissors.

A graphics design degree sounds like it would be right up your alley. It's creative and highly marketable. You wouldn't have to sacrifice the artistic side of yourself.

What do I know, I'm a Biochemist. I'm not that artistic.

Mine would think it was cool, as long as it wasn't the SAME college.



I own it and rent the space. I have about 7 people.


No way. I went to school a long time ago to get an instructor's license. I decided it was not for me. Also, the pay is crap.


Hmmm. I have the ability to do it, but it doesn't come naturally.


That sounds a bit like a minefield!


Mine is secondary lymphedema in my leg...the result of removal of lymph nodes during a surgery for cancer. One of the things recommended in caring for it is avoiding standing on my feet for long periods of time. Isn't life ironic?


That is difficult for me to quantify.

Real life factors, aside...definitely the freedom.

I enjoy having the flexible schedule. In the past, it has really allowed me to do things with and for Patriot and the kids. It also enables me to spend time working on the creative projects.

BUT, real life does exist.

If my marital situation were more secure, I think it would be a great setup. He has the regular schedule, the cushy federal job with paid vacation and great benefits. I have a career that allows me to contribute financially and have the time to be somewhat of a housewife.

BUT, our marital situation does not feel stable and feeling dependent is too scary.

Froz - that graphic arts agreement is probably the one thing you can do up front to prevent your profession from becoming a mine-field. I used to do copy-writing for marketing pieces. I charged a flat fee for five paragraphs. I'd usually get away with one revision - tops. Usually I got it right the first time. But I quit when I was to the third completely new creative write up for one client - said that I probably wasn't the writer they were looking for. I quit with no regrets. But I can tell you some people (most printing customers) are very indecisive and lack the ability to visualize what they want. So if you start out up front with an agreement that you will take what they specify and you'll do two versions at the initial fee, and after that, it charges by the hour, it forces them to get very clear up front about what they want. It really helps them and makes your life a ton easier.

As for your marital situation - everything in life is insecure. If it were easy, it wouldn't be real life. Stepping into graphic arts will feel ten times more insecure than hair styling. But you've been at the beginning before professionally. Just make sure that it brings you joy, whatever you do.