Hello - I'm a newbie here. I hope to get some good input and suggestions here to save my marriage...if possible.

Ok here's my story....my husband of 6 yrs (together 8) told me he wants a divorce back in Feb. out of nowhere. I was on my last week of maternity leave at the time with our 2nd child. I was completely shocked. I couldn't understand how he could say such a thing at a time when we should be enjoying our 2 month old baby. I had made plans for all sorts of 'fun' stuff since I only had a week left before going back to work. I asked him what this was about and he gave me a bunch of lame excuses...I didn't cook and clean enough, and I didn't give him any attention.

Well, it didn't take long to learn that there was someone else. But, it's WHO that shocked me. One of his best friends,Mark, died tragically last June in a motorcycle accident and was engaged at the time. My husband is in the Marine Corps (so was Mark) and attended the funeral as an escort. While there, he got to know the family and friends and gave them his contact info in case they needed anything. Mark's parents, as well as the fiance, kept in touch and I never thought anything of it. She'd call here & there and see how things were going. She'd ask about our son, me, the pregnancy. I had no reason to be jealous or suspect anything. Well, my hubby started acting really weird the first week of Feb and a week later said he wants a divorce. I was shocked, everything was normal between us. I immediately thought something was up since he had been acting strange all week so, I got online and checked the cell phone records and Mark's fiance's number was all over the phone bill. It started the week he was acting weird at home. Text messages all day long while he was at work and he talked to her his whole drive home (he has an hour drive to/from work) I asked him about it and he said they were just chatting. He left that night and started staying at a friends house. A couple weeks later he said they have fallen in love and want to be together. He told me that once our divorce is final, they are going to get married.

My confusion/question is this...can something like this really work out and last? Are they both living some kind of fantasy? This 'relationship' seems so wrong on so many levels. I don't think she's had ample time to grieve Mark's death and is using my husband as some type of replacement. Mark died June 8, 2007, they were to be married at the end of June. Then 9 months later, by Feb 08 she's over it and ready to begin a relationship w/my husband. It just doesn't make sense how something like this could ever work out in the long run. Everyone keeps telling me that if he left because of her (which I know he did) then he will be back once the novelty and lust wear off and she realizes she only wanted him for comfort.

Does our marriage have any chance of surviving? Please provide some advice/input. Thank you.

(((Shelly)))

So sorry you are here! Purchase the Surviving An Affair book, read up on the posts that are listed at the very top of this forum. Once the initial shock wears off, get a game plan together and post in the General Questions thread for guidance from some really great Vets of this website.

Do your homework, he is in what is called the FOG. More than likely it will all wear off. However, you do need to expose all of this to his family, her family, everyone!! You need all the support that you can get. Again, read up and you will get step by step.

Hang in there!

Shelly,

Yes...it is possible to still recover your marriage. Your entry sounds much like mine...my DDay was November 26, 2006. Just like you out of the blue my ws came home and told me that he had been seeing another woman and he loved her and wanted a divorce!!! You could have told me the sky was going to fall out, I would have believed this more. Like you, I thought I had this great marriage and that nothing could come between us. He stayed in the home until the next March..moved out after I asked him to, moved back in for a week in June after I found out he was still seeing ow and moved back out on our anniversay two weeks later.

Needless to say me and my children have been through h**l!!

The fog others talk about is sooooo true! My ws was so out there and doing so many ..I hate to say studpid things I honestly thought he was on drugs or needed a mental evaluation! When he moved out in June, he moved in with her. I did not make things particulary difficult for him but I needed LOTS of assistance with my daughter since I work nights at the hospital. The OW certainly did not like this ...he had to sleep here since by no way or means was my daughter going to be around the ow.

Long story short...they will tell you so much garbage, they will manipulate and they become the best liars. We want to believe them for the sake of saving our marriages. I did not follow the mb way as closely as I should have...I suggest that you do. My ws came home this past November and thing have been going fairly well....a few big set backs and I am now working on boundries..I have got to tighten things up.

Exposure.....you have the perfect exposure...your WS is a marine.....and they believe in family. I would expose to his family, her family,her desceased boyfriends family, and if worse comes to worse to his commanding officer. My husband use to be a Marine at Camp LeJune in North Carolina....and if nothing else they will make sure the proper allotment ($$) so you will be able to provide for your children and yourself. They may even restrict him to the barracks...after all he is their property, they can even order him into marriage counseling.I know this is a big exposure and sounds harsh but if you want to SHOCK him into reality you might consider this.

I will be following your post. You are in a great place. There is so much love and help here. I had lost my mother four monthes before my ws came to me..if not for this site I do not know how I would have made it. So many people, so much good advice, they became my family. I know how difficult and devestated you are...I have been there so overwhelmed with grief to move took so much effort. You will get through this. Your spouse will realize whats happened...odds of this new "love" lasting are almost nill.

Mishes

There is a good chance that exposing to OW's family will have a tremendous impact.

There are several stories here where the A started in a similar fashion. It seems men are very suceptible to grieving widows.

I have every confidence in the world that your M can survive this. There are so many factors involved in it...it will be a long road, but in my eyes, there is HOPE.

Get Surviving an Affair. Start posting on General Questions (they get more traffic). If you can afford it, a phone counsel with SH might be a good step too.

I think you are right that the OW is probably filling a need with your H. When my mom died (different, I know), I tried to fill that emptiness with every guy I met. I was "in love" about four times that year and each one of them I thought was "my true love." Luckily for me, I didn't marry any of them...well, actually, the last one was my husband...but anyway. OW's feelings may or may not wear off.

Your H is wayward...there's lots of stuff written here about his behavior. Most affairs end. And my bet would be that he would return to you if he can when it ends.

Exposure is the first step to ending an affair. Expose to anyone that you think might help to make it harder for these two to continue...his family, her family, friends, co-workers, the military? Then start working on Plan A.

Make sure that you get support through this. I am the mommy of three and I know that the first six months with a new one are SO hard emotionally and physically. With this additional emotional challenge, you will need friends and family to help you. Take them up on all of the help you can get. Love yourself and your babies.

No matter what, you will survive.

((((((shelly))))

Thank you all for your responses.

I think I might have left out one important detail...he has already filed for divorce. He is very impulsive and I'm sure he did it also to cover his bases in case I try to file Adultery charges thru the military. My therapist says not to worry about the fact that he filed, the paperwork can always be withdrawn during the 6 month process.

With regard to exposure, HE has already told his family about her. They live 2000 miles away so they don't see what's going on. At first he said they were just friends and she was someone to talk to. He waited about a month and said they started having feelings for each other while talking as friends. Then a few weeks after that he sent his parents an e-mail saying he plans to marry her once our D is final. She has no family in this state so there's nobody there to expose to. Although, she may have told her family too if he's telling his.

Is this even considered an affair anymore or a case where he simply left me for her?

YES. This is an AFFAIR. He was married to you and broke his vow to have at least an emotional affair (but more probably to have a physical affair as well).

Even if he filed for divorce, he may have done it from a foggy state. Who knows. Only time will tell.

If you can tell her family...tell them. It doesn't matter how far away they are. If you can expose it in the military, do so. He may have already filed for divorce, but you are still entitled to sharing your explanation. Divorce is not final. And I don't think that the military is so ignorant as to believe that a man falls in love within a month of filing without having had some inkling of it before his legal separation.

You need to look at EVERYONE that might put pressure on them to stop. I think that the idea is, once the affair stops, you have a chance of regaining your spouse.

Good luck.

HTM

I have been reading what I can find on the "fog." He is definitely in the fog state. Does anyone know how long this lasts?

He is living a complete fantasy...he thinks once our D is final, they will just get married and live happily ever after. I don't think he's thinking too far ahead..about REALITY.

Also, is it normal for him to treat me like his worst enemy? I mean he treats me like I'm the one who cheated on him. Or is that just his way of coping with the guilt & shame of this whole situation?