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Joined: Jan 2008
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Saturday is one year since D-day for us.

I can't decide if it seems like forever since then or if it seems like just yesterday. Both I guess. It feels though like this has gone on forever. I almost can't remember life Pre-A. That feels so sad to me.

I am trying to decide what to do on D-day. I know that I just don't want to be at home, remembering. I am really bad about that sort of thing. On anniversaries of any kind I am very caught up in what was happening when. On my kid's birthdays, the details of their births are so sharp and clear in my mind that it is as if they just happened. My daughter was born at 1:11AM and on her birthday, I almost always wake up at 1:11 no matter how sound asleep I am.

I don't want to be at home saying to myself, OK, this is when I KNEW, this is when he told me the first lie, this is when I realized some other thing......

And yet, I don't want to go out and celebrate ANYTHING. Yuck.

I was thinking today that maybe we should get a very special plant and plant it as a symbol of our new beginning.

Part of me doesn't want to do that though because I am not really happy about where we are in all of this. Seems contrived, not that I always think THAT is a bad idea. I don't know. Just feeling very lost about this.

What have any of you done on the anniversary(hate to even call it that) of D-Day? I would love to know. There are so many smart people here and I so look forward to hearing your ideas if you have some.

Thanks,
WH2LE


WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 790
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WH2LE - I haven't gotten through a year since D-Day yet, so I can't speak from experience on this. I've thought about your situation, though, and I wonder if there's a way for you to get through the day without marking it at all. For me, the goal would be for future "anniversaries" to not mean anything. Obviously, there's no way the events surrounding the A will ever be forgotten and you'll never be able to live as though the A never happened. But, I think I'd like to get to the point where my M is so good that I don't focus on things that happened and only be thinking of the good that we now share. I know this doesn't happen overnight, but if you start "marking that day" then you may set a precedent that will be hard to shake in the future.

What if you do something like fill your day with something besides M or R related things? Maybe you treat this Saturday like any other Saturday... run errands, get a manicure, do some housework, see a movie, go to a concert, do some shopping, etc. Obviously, this won't be time you have to spend alone, but if you don't treat the day as "memorable" then maybe it will be easier to move past it.

I know that personalities are different and also situations are different. You may not be able to get to the point where this day can pass as any other day - you may not want to. If you truly do want to mark the day as a "new beginning" day, then maybe you could write down the events of that day or anything that you think appropriate and then put it away until another time. Or burn the paper you write on as a symbol of moving forward.

I think the plant idea is a good one, but I think that you'd see it every day and on bad days it may be a difficult reminder for you. If you're like me, the plant could actually die and then what a bummer that would be!!!! LOL.

I hope you do find the right thing for you and your H. Have you thought of asking his thoughts?


Me (BW) 48
WH 46
M 2000
No kids
D-Day #1 1/4/08
Confrontation 2/10/08
D-Day #2 3/22/08

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Hi KLD!!!!

You are absolutely right about setting a precedent. I absolutely DON'T want that!!! Same goes for the plant. Not gonna do that either.

Even if YEARS down the road, life is grand and I can go for more than 10 minutes without thinking about the misery, even a thriving plant would be a reminder.

I guess I realize that NOTHING is EVER going to wipe this time from my memory. At least until heaven when God has promised to wipe away all the tears and make these things to be no longer remembered. I have done everything I can for this past year to CHANGE what has happened and it (of course) CAN'T be done. I am almost at the point where I am accepting that there are details I will never know, for whatever reason. And realizing that one of the reasons I want so many details is so that I can figure out how to make it NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

I do not think I will ever be able to get to the point of not remembering the day, but I will pray that I CAN!!!! My mind just does not work that way. I can remember things from when I was seven months old. It does not seem to serve a real purpose in life and sometimes it's fun, but sometimes, it's JUST HORRIBLE!!!!! I think I will pray that someday I will have a grandchild born on this day. That might fix it.

Thanks for thinking of me KLD!!! It means the world to me. Oh yeah, when I ask my H, he says. "I don't know. Whatever you want." He means it but he also means that he is afraid to come up with something.

Blessings,
WH2LE


WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632
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Wknghrd2LoveEasy,

This will come off as pretty corny but her goes.

along about year 3 into our R i knew I had to do something kinda drastic to replace DDay.

I went out and bought a very large black helium filled baloon.
I woke my W very early in the morning and we went to the shore of the ocean for sunrise.

I opened the trunk of my car and brought the black baloon down to the beach with us. My W asked, "What is up with the black baloon?"

I explained, this is the horror that stands between you and I and it is time to release it! We laid on the beach at sunrise and I asked my W to take hold of the string attached to that baloon. Together, we both let it go, and it drifted rather rapidly toward Heaven.

In effect, We let our sin and horror drift right up at God.

We've never seen that baloon again, cause God took care of it.

It became a good memory.

All Blessings,
Jerry

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WH2LE - I've thought about you this week but haven't had a chance to post until now.

How did the weekend go for you guys? How are you and how did the day go for you on Saturday?


Me (BW) 48
WH 46
M 2000
No kids
D-Day #1 1/4/08
Confrontation 2/10/08
D-Day #2 3/22/08

Joined: Sep 2005
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 Quote:
I went out and bought a very large black helium filled baloon.
I woke my W very early in the morning and we went to the shore of the ocean for sunrise.

I opened the trunk of my car and brought the black baloon down to the beach with us. My W asked, "What is up with the black baloon?"

I explained, this is the horror that stands between you and I and it is time to release it! We laid on the beach at sunrise and I asked my W to take hold of the string attached to that baloon. Together, we both let it go, and it drifted rather rapidly toward Heaven.


Jerry,

Your heart and "goodness" humble me at times.

MEDC

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KLD, thank you so much for checking up with me. It's funny isn't it , how good it makes us feel to know that someone we have never even met, is looking out for us?

Well, the weekend went OK. I was relieved when Saturday was over. Friday was a bad, bad, bad day for ME!!! Not for H. He just figures that if I am not talking about it and not crying and I'm smiling some that everything is perfect.

It was my fault that the day ended badly, but I was so overwhelmed and the triggers were so strong that I felt swept along in an emotional tidal wave. Today, almost a week later, I can't even remember exactly what I said or how my H reacted. It wasn't great, but at least it's over.

The worst was that I did not sleep at ALL that night. My mind would not turn off. Again, memories that bless and burn. At 6:00AM I finally decided to just start saying the Lord's Prayer non-stop, counting how many times I said it. That did it for me. Much better than counting sheep.

Saturday was OK. We did LOTS of yard work and ran errands. The worst seemed to be over on Friday so we didn't talk much about it.

It has still been an emotional week though and I find myself being very forgetful, something that only happens when I am VERY stressed.

I have realized that there are some very specific steps I need to start taking to start healing. One of them was to go through my H's cell phone records COMPLETELY from that year. It may sound counter-productive at this stage, but I already actually feel a little better because of doing this.

Before this, I had looked at them in a general sort of way, noting that he had called her hundreds of times and looked at a few dates, like my birthday, Christmas, etc. This time, I looked at every single phone call. I saw all the times he called her in the middle of the night, after getting up from OUR bed. I saw how many times he called her when I was getting ready for bed. I confirmed that he did not end it until he was very close to being caught. Etc, etc. etc. I know it sounds stupid, but I HAD to do it. It's helping me put the affair to rest and getting me to focus on the things we need to focus on NOW. It also helps me realize that I need to stay vigilant.

Jerry, I agree with MEDC. You are clearly a kind and caring man. Thank you for the black balloon idea. I loved it. My H did not seem so enthused, but I am going to keep the idea in the back of my mind. Time will tell.

Blessings to all of us who have had to experience this He!!, both BSs and WSs alike. Satan just laughs and laughs when he sees the misery we experience because we believe his lies. But at least we can be sure that we know WHO will have the last laugh. The King of Kings, The Lord of Lords, The Great I AM, The Almighty Lord of the Universe Himself!!!!!!!!!!!

I am longing today for the DAY of the GREAT LAST LAUGH!!!!!

Prayers,
WH2LE


WH2LE

BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 790
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Posts: 790
WH2LE - I know what you mean about how much it helps to know that someone you've never laid eyes on cares about how you're doing. It has meant the world to me several times through this lousy ordeal.

I'm so sorry you had such a hard time with this memory. I think it's important to put as many questions to rest as possible even if that process is painful. If you know details that are bothering you, then hopefully you can find a way to move forward. The key point was when you said that you now know for sure the areas you need to work on.

Your H sounds very similar to mine in that if I'm not making a big deal out of something (anything) then everything is fine. He hates to talk about difficult subjects and most of those conversations go very wrong. I think many WSs (even FWSs) want all the bad stuff to just blow over or at least that their BS will find a way to get over it on their own. I don't think your H or mine even, really mean this in a harsh or mean way, but they would prefer to just move on without the unpleasant task of discussing issues and working through them.

I hope you're on the road to feeling better and finding life a little easier now. Sometimes it does help to put some time between the bad times and now.


Me (BW) 48
WH 46
M 2000
No kids
D-Day #1 1/4/08
Confrontation 2/10/08
D-Day #2 3/22/08


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