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Joined: Mar 2006
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My background: married 10yrs to my H, who has a porn addiction. It's more of an endorphins high/compulsion for him than an other person thing. I have Repeatedly caught him communicating with people via email and checking out personal ads (craigslist). He almost got fired from a job 8yrs ago for having porn on his computer. He is still compulsed to check out ads (mostly craigslist). Made lots of promises and broke them, but swore he was always faithful. Compulsive masturbator and porn situation got worse with increased stress. Sex life decreased dramatically from 2-3 times weekly to about 4-5 times yearly. He has a painful prostate issue and mild ED.
I had a lot of problems thanks to an emotionally abusive mother that made marriage very rocky while I dealt with the issues. Also was on Depo which resulted in major hormone mood changes. Eventually he told me he was thinking of leaving me if I didn't work on my problems. We attended therapy for about 6 months a year ago, but ended last Sept - we thought we were on the road to recovery and communicating better than ever. I also did not like the therapist at all - not supportive towards me. Also too passive for my taste.
A week ago today my H told me he had HSVII (herpes). He told me it was a negative blood sample, but the swab was positive. He said it was contracted from a one night stand several months before we met. I was shocked - I had never had unprotected encounters prior to our marriage. I made arrangements to get tested (still waiting on results) and for him to get complete std work up as well. I told him as long as he was being truthful with me, I would stay with him. I vowed "in sickness and in health" after all. He was relieved and for the next several days had been really affectionate and loving.
I'm someone who needs a lot of information to make myself understand/feel better/feel in control. I found out that it is impossible to have HSVII for 10yrs without it showing up in the blood. His exposure had to have been recent. I confronted him and he admitted to a homosexual encounter last month with a guy he developed a friendship online with. It was his only physical encounter. Aside from a traumatic childhood encounter when he was 5, it was his only homosexual encounter. MIL is born again Christian after a nervous breakdown when H was 13. Very religiously repressed and controlling through guilt. During this encounter he wore a condom, but Oral was unprotected (OM gave). I am reeling. I milked every last bit of information from him so I could make sure I had the complete picture. Apparently H thought for the past 8 or 9 mos that he was gay because he felt something was missing in his life. So he communicated via personals to bicurious type sites (as well as hetero). He said the experience was surreal, shaming, not exciting at all. He feels dirty, ashamed, humiliated, repulsed, and swears he is not gay. He has had no communication with the OM - no response when H told him he had herpes.
H broke down last night for the first time. I have never seen him cry. He kept saying over and over again how he thought about suicide (refused psych help - I am keeping an eye on that situation), how he needs to have control, how he needs to stop this self-destructive behavior. That my not leaving him when he told me of the diagnosis made him realize that was what he felt was missing - he thought I was going to leave him like everyone else did. The sick thing is that I am the only relationship he cheated on. He was always the cheatee.
I have contacted S-anon and COSA to join their support groups online. I am considering attending al-anon meetings. We're going to go to therapy as soon as I can find a good one that has more flexible hours - H and I both work and attend school full time. H finally admits he is a sex addict. I have done a lot of thinking and decided to give him a year. Right now I am in college full time (we both are) and work full time. I just don't have the energy to make the correct major life changing decisions for myself right now. I need to take care of myself by taking it one day at a time and re-assessing next May after graduation.
We have no kids, and I know people are going to think I am out of my mind for staying yet again. I would think I am crazy! But I really want this to work, but I am scared he is going to decide to leave me after all when he's in therapy.
Is there any hope for me or for us?
Last edited by want2behappy; 05/29/08 10:40 AM.
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Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,780
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W2BH,
So sorry you are here. I know what it's like to be M to an addict. This is a tough one. It sounds like you have your head on straight. Going to the SA meetings and COSA will be very beneficial for you and will give you additional information that you may not get from just the MB site.
The only thing that I would be so careful of is protecting yourself. Now that he has acted out physically, the likelihood of a relapse is VERY HIGH, regardless of what he tells you.
This is a tough road, it can be done, but it will take so much work on his part. I hope that he is up for it and doesn't just lead you on for heartbreak.
Stay plugged in to all the support groups you can find, including here.
Good luck!
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Joined: Sep 2001
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Is there any hope for me or for us? It depends on you and him. Welcome to MB and sorry you came here with issues. Please read the first four posts in this forum and read the basic concept. WH is moving to the right direction willing to get help. However this is the only first steps and could comes/goes. The next step would be pulling the plug on internet or put a keystroke log software to monitor his online activities. Terminate all personal profile on all online, including secret email accounts that he uses online. Basically an accountability system. Get him a tx that specialist on SA. You are doing the right thing to address this issue first and wait. Even after he overcomes his SA ... he is in recovery for the rest of his life. -rh-
Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.
Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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Joined: Mar 2006
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Thank you very much for the support and the welcome. I'm still catching myself and wondering if this really is my life - it seems like a soap opera. I'm trying to live my life as normally as possible.
Small update: WH has a therapist appointment on Monday night. This therapist has some experience with SA and is pro-marriage for the most part. I'm still waiting on blood test results, and am waiting to hear back from the S-anon and COSA yahoo groups.
WH is being very loving. He insists it's because he feels relieved and loving. I can't help but think he's kissing up to me, but I've always had the tendency to think the worst of situations.
His birthday is next week. I was going to surprise him for a nice afternoon at a local chowder cookoff. Now I wonder how to handle the birthday.
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Joined: Nov 2002
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He probably is relieved to be sharing his issue with someone. However, that relief won't equal cure and assurance that he won't act out again.
My WH and I have been at this for 6 years and although the acting out is fewer and farther between, it still stings just as bad and the past issues come back to haunt you when the wound is reopened.
Continue to take all the precautions for yourself and set some rigid boundaries. The last thing you need is to feel like you are the crazy one in all this.
Good luck!
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 4
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 4 |
Oh I definitely do not hold any illusions that it's over. He hasn't been able to go longer than a couple of months w/o looking at ads in the 10yrs we have been together.
He got a definite rude awakening contracting herpes on his first physical encounter, which he said is enough to stop him from any more PE's. I've heard that before with the porn and ads, so I'm not taking him at his word.
It just hurts so bad. I can't even look at pictures of us from our 2nd honeymoon last year without being miserable, knowing that he was lying to me.
One day at a time. I have to keep reminding myself of it. One foot in front of the other.
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Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,780
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(((W2BH))))
Just wanted to give you a deserved hug!!
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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