someone please help!! i feel like i am losing my mind.

ive posted before, several months ago. H had an EA with a friends wife, says it was a mitake, yada, yada, yada. I honestly can't remember where i posted.

Problem is trust. over the past year, not only have i discoverd and exposed the EA, but we've had very rough moments, almost divorced etc...

On occasion, i check his emails and from time to time, on yahoo, i find emails from sexy sadie, lilymarlin....which are from yahoo groups which he says he's never gotten on before. he lied before about sending emails to his friend and said he wasn't on chat, but my son saw him online as available, but yet my h says he doesn't know how because he's never used it.

no...i really don't believe that and since i made a choice to move forward with what relationship we have left, i chose to leave that alone. but now, since it's always some sex thing on his email, i am having problems.

he gets very defensive, tries to prove that he's right and i am wrong and then treats me like i am done something terrible because i question him. i feel like i am being punished because i saw it and am tired of seeing things like this.

i do not want to have to go thru the rest of my life with these little pop ups once a month and be expected to have enough faith and trust to know it's junk mail. he says that i should trust him, even though he's done what he's done and believe him when he tells me that it's just junk email. all of the time though? plus the whole affair was mainly on the cell phone and thru email. what do i do? i am tired of being the one to have the faith to get us thru. i am tired of having the issues pop up in the first place that make me have to do that.

of course he gives me a guilt trip i feel about "well, i guess i'll just get rid of this email, because it's nothing but problems, but i guess i'll have to contact all of my business contacts at these big companies for bids and have to go thru that mess." he never changes it though. i tell him it prob doesnt even matter, he could have 100 emails for all i know.

not by his choice either, in an attempt to make it right, will he change it. he says it tell him it doesn't matter, so he just doesnt do it.

i dont know...i feel like i am putting up with alot of crap from him and when i say something about it, he gets mad at me and turns it around on me as if i am the reason this all happened and is happening. he's good alot of times, but i still wonder if he's a cheating, lying, sex crazed maniac with another life.

i've disclosed this to him before and he says who does that. Uh, lots of people. cheaters have a different way of thinking anyway...

to this day, it's hard for me to see him the way i used to. now when he says things i catch myself thinking, is he just making that up, or i used to think he was so strong and now i kinda think he's a loser and weak...i don't see him as a role model anymore, and i don't see him as a credible source. does that come back?

he thinks a year is plenty of time to recover, that i should be over the part of this that makes me remember and be sad from time to time. crazy?

i question love,for anyone, not just him? who needs it? what's it worth?

i just really wonder if he leads another life? i just don't see him at the asset to my life as i did once.

help....i am so confused and tired of feeling responsible for his screw up and i am so tired of hearing that i should evaluate my part of the reason the A happened.

I can acknowledge that i am not perfect and have screwed up over the years, but c'mon..no marriage is perfect and there are other options than cheating.

yes, i am bitter...how'd ya tell?

just hurt too...

any advice...can those things just pop up on yahoo email without him chatting and entering those crazy websites?

He is gaslighting you.

Google it if you're not familiar with the term.

Plan B may be in order for you, though I am no expert on that because I never did it. (Though I believe if I had, I might have interrupted FWW's Adultery before it became a PA...)

If you want your marriage to survive, and IF he cares two [censored] about you, you can probably recover.

I'm sure some of the more seasoned vets here will be along shortly to help you understand and strategize.

For now, hang in there. Know that you are not alone in this, and you will be OK one way or the other.

You'll find that you have much more strength than you may realize.

With you,

TTH

super,

Ask him to delete the e-mail and start over.

My H has those group emails coming to his account as well (similar names as you have listed). I'm not exactly sure how they are attaching to his email account. I monitor all computer use and know that he's not chatting, but they are still there. I get one in my own account every now and then.

It will drive you crazy though so ask if he will delete it and start over and see if that helps. If he shows that he is "online" after this attempt at deleting, then you may have to take alternate steps. He could be chatting at work, etc.

I know how this can turn into a LB on both sides and that's why it hurts so much! Try to make an action plan and then stick to it. Walk through the steps and if you come back to the same result then you know that you have to take stronger action (i.e. Plan B, etc. as suggested).

Good luck!

Just download a keylogger on his computer, and run a report on all keystroke activity. That way, you know if any of it was initiated by, or participated in by, your H. If he IS, and is lying, just print out the report and highlight everything he typed, and hand it to him, as you're handing him his packed suitcase.

thanks for the help....i hope that helps, but i am gonna leave that decision to him. as i said, he continuosly mentions that he will take care of it, but never does.

i just wish i knew more about how those emails get there in the first place.

i have a yahoo acct in addition to my work acct, and i have never gotten any of those.

plus, a couple of months ago, i was in his email under his acct, and found that he had a profile, tx married cowboy was his name and had his marital status checked, married, but looking.

when i confronted him with that he said he never sent anything, he was just playing around and that he must've accidentally checked it.

boy, he must think i am super stupid. do people really believe that stuff?

so, that's why i think that he's snoopin around on the net.

super,

It sounds like you have some pretty clear evidence. I agree with the keylogger idea. It will help you get peace of mind in knowing what he is doing at home, but it won't help for the at work stuff.

However, perhaps you can move to Plan B with that information and he can either seek help and change or you can move on.

The "fake attention" is an addiction for them. The idea that they can be whoever they want on the computer is disgusting to me but real.

His lies and forever putting off the fixes sound very familiar to my WH.

Be strong!

The entire problem is the computer at work. We don't have internet at home, so that's totally not an issue.

I do have access to his yahoo email acct but he also has another email address thru his company.

So, although all are super ideas, they aren't possible due to that fact.

I guess the scary part is that he could be one person with me and another away from me.

I'm not able to talk to him or anyone else about the issues because he thinks i am slapping him in the face with his "mistake" and since we live in a very, very small town and that i do have some hope that he is or will be straightening up, i don't want to talk to anyone else about it because it could be just suspicion and if it is, i don't want to hurt him further and you know how small town rumor is.

i am just sick to death of it all.

he says that since it does happen so much that i should be able to tell that he's not doing it, that they are just popping up and that since i have access to his acct, that should show he's not covering anything up and..that if it only happened everyone once in awhile, it would be different. i dunno????

I kinda have the thought in my head, once a cheater, always a cheater and i know that puts a wall up between us.

it was a year ago last thurs since the A started. early morning calls, late night calls, calls for up to 4 hours at a time at work...it's kinda hard for me. i have a bad spot in me for his job and he doesn't understand why. it's because that job was a part of this affair. he only started the job 6 months before this all happened.

now i wonder how many other women there were.

and in fact, he mentions things like "my boss looks at women on the internet,or one of the other guys, traveling salesman had a porn site address on the top of a notepad for us all to see, or that his boss was looking at personals on craigs list and about how desperate those people seemed to be.

of course you know in my head i think it's him thats looked at all of this or left the address to the site there and all that. i think its all him. reason being, his history...

he says it doesn't mean anything about his history if he's trying to make it better.

sometimes i think hes just gotten better at covering it up.

im tired of looking!!! do you get to the point that it would just be easier to get rid of him than to work thru the problems and wonder if it'll ever go away?

So have you read here what is the correct way to handle an affair? Things like the NC letter, exposure, etc.? Did any of that happen with his affair last year? How did you handle it?

definitely....i knew that something was going on. he was acting strange, do things like changing behavior, never home, talking on the phone outside, grooming habits changed, and i even told him i thought he was messing around on me with the exact person he was messing with. we'd only known these people for 6-8 months.

anyway, i exposed to our friends, her H, and her. and they still talked as I moved my things and our children out of our house. he didn't come after me at all. never did. i went back and most days wonder how stupid i was to do that. even a month after it was exposed, he was talking to her on the work phone as i found out after dialing the *67 or whatever, which he lied to me about as well.

i don't think that all that was done was handled correctly no. but it was addressed. plus, the OW works at the school my kids go to. kind of a wicked little mess.

i just want someone to be honest with me and treat me with courtesy and respect and understand my feelings and just kinda grasp the pain i;m in. i dont think my h is honest still...i have nightmares about them sleeping together although he says they never did, whatever...couldn't be found and her H out of town. saying he slept behind the shopping center in his truck which was pretty close to her house. it's totally lit back there and i am sure someone would call the cops if they saw someone back there for hours at a time in the middle of the night...it's in the middle of a small housing division and the back lot is up against some houses.

he must really think i am stupid. i think he feels he can talk me in circles to believe the way he thinks and if i don't, he blows up. hes the type that if you don't agree with him, all hell breaks loose..


i tell him that i feel he treats me this way and he says my feelings are wrong, that he doesn't do that, i just feel that.

plus, a minute ago, he accused me of "planting" the suspicious emails on his yahoo acct. could it be i married a crazy person?

No, you're just married to a master manipulator. I'd say leave.

There are so many wonderful helpful people here and thank you all for your kind words.

i know we all have been this way at some point-one day it looks good and the other hopeless. i know i am not crazy or wrong, but get tired of my h making me feel that way. if it weren't for him, i wouldn't be this way.

i appreciate all that have contributed and look forward to future posts. they keep me sane and grounded. it's hard to talk to someone who's not been thru it before. you think totally different when it's not happened. you still have something to hold on to.

last year the shock almost killed me. couldn't imagine my life without him, and now...i wonder if i can live with him. it's so sad that a bad decision and selfishness lead to such destruction, but it does.

whether i like it or not, it's where i'm at. i'll never make sense of it, and may never trust him again. may never trust anyone again.

i guess you just get tired and weary. i'm pretty disgusted with myself for allowing myself to have thoughts of divorce.
kinda wonder if i weren't so worried how i would raise 2 kids on my own, if i would already be gone.

everyone tells my H he looks like george strait. everyone...even yesterday, at my 7 yr olds awards presentation,one of the teachers told him such and that her high school aged daughters think he's hot....i am not kidding...every where we go its some woman either touching him or telling him things like this...(kinda makes me feel like a dog at times). we've been toghether for 17 years, 15 married and it's happened since the day i've known him. he's kinda full of himself...he's definitely a good looking man, but i see him totally different now. i used to pride him on his character and how wonderful he was to everyone, and now he's flawed..not that we all aren't to some point, because we all make mistakes, its just hard for me to see that an affair is not a choice, especially in my case.

he chose to hide things, lie to me, even when i disclosed my concerns about him and who he was with, he kept doing it and his conscience didn't even bother him.

anyway, let me reverse this...my point was to thank you all for looking out for me and understanding even though you don't really know me, but know me in a way than most do. hmmm..

i wish i could articulate better. boy, some posts here are stated so brilliantly.

hope this weekend finds many of you better and happier.

hope to hear from you guys some more.

have a super great weekend.

super,

I'm leaning more towards the master manipulator....

Why does he even need a yahoo acct?

If it's at work and he is in an environment that you have described, you really can't be emotionally safe.

Set up your boundaries, discuss your dealbreakers. Do this without LBing and then go into a Plan B. Your WH has to want to make changes, you can't do it all yourself and you certainly can't change him.

Ive been reading a few of the posts here.

I've commented on one about 100% certainty of not having an affair.

My belief when I was married was that I married one man, the man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

We both came from broken homes, and, as many others here, vowed to break that pattern with our family.

I meant it. As strongly as I felt about it before, I feel even more so now. I do believe the stronger feeling has alot to do with what has happened and I view it even more passionately now.

No, I can't understand "why", but I do know the hurt and pain that myself, my kids, my friends, our families have gone thru and nothing in the world is worth that.

It's not casual with me...I care deeply.(not that others don't) I am far from perfect, but know that morals and values are very important and if I don't have them, how can I teach my children the importance of such? How would I be able to expect my H to exhibit such character? No, he didn't exhibit such character, but I am also able to know that I have done what is right as far as that is concerned so that i am not asking for more than i am willing to give.

You see...it's easy for me...I love my husband...and as cheesy as it may sound to some, it was for better or for worse, the good, the bad, and the ugly. No...it wasn't perfect or even good sometimes, but I also know that everyone has struggles and that life gets in the way of the focus that needs to be put on each other alot of times. Kids, work, school, church, families, friends, errands, housework, etc...it all requires so much from us all....sometimes focus is lost. Very sad...but as we try to teach our kids, you aren't always faced with easy things in life, but you always have the option to make the right decision.


I hope you all don't find me to be of the "better than thou" type, as I am certainly not. I just know what is important to me and how strongly i feel about it. No big movie stars, musicians, rich moguls...nope...it doesn't matter to me..just give me your heart, your honesty, your love, your passion, and we could live in a shoe or under a bridge for that matter.

I truly am an easy keeper. Just one of those silly, silly girls I guess.

Bless your heart...

Seems we are all in a predicament, yet trying so much to help one another. How awesome is that!!

Just 5 minutes ago, I was notified that the yahoo acct was terminated.

Please don't get me wrong...the man is trying on so many levels. He really is and I try to see his side of it, but just can't.

Do I think that it's a possiblity of him being a master manipulator? Yep...actually, my dad is one too. So I feel that I am a professional in noticing the patterns. That is part of the problem too. That my dad has done so many things, changes to make it look good and suck us in, and then BAM!! does it again. I don't seem to have alot of faith in change. Understandably so....that's hard....to give another chance.

My problem is that these little email things continue to happen. I dont think they should be happening at all. I feel that I have been so strong to put up with what I have, and that I have even stayed. Yes, pat myself on the back. I am not a quitter, but even I see that sometimes you run out of gas and money, if you know what i mean.

It stinks that any of us have to go thru this, even the ones who have strayed. I do know on some level they hurt in some fashion that I really can't comprehend.

From day to day, my view changes. Confused,baffled,happy, sad, encouraged, discouraged, interested, not interested, you all know how it goes.

It's hard not to get completely sucked up into it.

Scared, really...you give so much of yourself to someone and they just throw it away and then they want you to give them what they couldn't give you.

Amen Sister!

Hi SC4,

Goodness... I'm teeter-tottering with recovery/divorce/recovery/divorce......arrrghh!!! With my sitch anyhow.

I haven't really posted much lately. I've pretty much been holding myself together well...so I thought. I'm back to a lot of shedding tears and not wanting to be around others.

I'm bascially on the same page as you are, when it comes to that, we already have a lot of stresses of just the everday mundane issues in life with kid's/school activities/jobs and so on. Then you add in those stupid-stupid affair thingies, like we don't have enough to deal with already...SHEEZE!!

Sorry, I would type more and be more elaborate with my sitch and myself... but I'm really going through a burnt out phase with this whole recovery thing.

Take care,
FAM5

I don't understand why you don't install a keylogger. It sounds as though he is gaslighting you. Take some action. People who cheat are not always careful about covering their tracks. Are you still looking at phone records? He certainly does not sound remorseful.

I agree with you about the "sleeping in the truck" deal==does not sound right.

I encourage you to investigate--take charge, take action.