Not, sounds like you guys are right on course... bumps and all. I'm so happy for you. You are truly an MB success story!

I CONTINUE to THINK this very same stuff from time to time...

I've had to ACCEPT that this has been so DEVASTATING and LIFE-CHANGING that parts of it MAY NEVER GO AWAY...

The key is to FILL UP THE BANK with enough GREATNESS that that MINOR, MINOR STINKIN' THINKIN' won't matter a bit...

As Mariah would say: You can just "SHAKE IT OFF"....

Me too. In fact nowadays, if my H knows there is a possibility that I could think like this, a lot of times he'll back up and try to clarify if he sees me hesitate (no, PM I've never been there, or I've never done that with anyone else, etc.). I guess because we've been married for so long, we can pretty much guess what the other is thinking under certain circumstances. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

What you've got to GET is that your REAL HUSBAND does LOVE you...and DEEPLY REGRETS the WAYWARDNESS in him...

I had to GET this...

Not2...more of the WAYWARD...MAY..be still PRESENT with your HUSBAND...but try to IGNORE that part of HIM...FOCUS on the REALNESS of the REAL HUSBAND...

HEY Girls,]

Thanks....

Yes Mimi, I know my HUSBAND loves me.....but that is hard to sometimes realize, especially when thoughts of A come into the brain.....


and yes, the WAYWARD is still there, but am seeing more and more of the H all the time. And THAT is what I am focusing on, or at least trying to.....


I will say, we still cannot talk about the A. It is just too hard and painful....I end up way too angry about it, which I know is just my pain coming out. I have slipped from time to time on this, and to be honest, is doesn't do either of us any good....( I get angry, he starts justifying again, and then it just turns into a fight...not healthy...for us at this point...).

Anyway, no it hasn't been easy, but we are taking healthier steps to build this M up....I am very hopeful....

not2fun


ps...I will have to say, I do wish that there were more older threads on recovery (the actual process...). If you all know of any, let me know....

Sounds almost EXACTLY like OUR RECOVERY and we're still going STRONG...

Good evening all.....

I have debated for a day and a half about whether or not to post this. I'm done with that....so here's the sitch as it stands....and to be honest I am not so sure what to do about it....

Yesterday, I was in WS email and found out that he went ahead and did business with the BOW'S company...(she worked for a company that did mailers for him...). Now this is a MAJOR boundary that has been crossed. He was not to do business with that company any more.

I knew he was sending out mailers and in fact he told me that he had placed this orde with another company. Come to find out I was wrong.

Now, he told me he didn't have any contact with her through this transaction and that he did it because they were offering a good deal that he couldn't afford to pass up (since we are very low on cash at this point...and he needs to do the mailers to get his business going again...) plus he still had credits to use up from last year.

Of course, I could care less about all the reasons he did, what I DO care about is that he DID do it......

Now I am in a quandery as to what to do???

I mean, if or when the WS crosses one of the conditions of R, what does the BS do??

Its not like he is a child and I can spank him or ground him, but yet the stupid crap like this just keeps on coming.....

anyway, what to do, what to do????

not2fun

Not2,

If you set up boundaries properly, you know the answer to this question. Boundaries mean nothing without their trusty counterpart, the consequences of crossing them.

So, with that being said, what were the consequences of continued contact?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It SUX

((Not2))

hmmm....somehow I think I missed that step. Consequences????
Explain a little further please....

not2fun

you were editing when I was posting....lol

I didn't set up consequences I guess. Somehow I missed all of that......

So how do I fix that??? if in fact that is what I want to do at this point....

not2fun

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back. The boards suddenly slowed down.

Fortunately (and unfortunately) consequences are entirely necessary to protect yourself. This is not about making HIM DO ANYTHING. This is entirely about what is acceptable in your life and good for you.

Yeah,,,I know that (goodness gracious if I didn't learn but one thing here it is "I cannot MAKE him do anything..."). But this is not acceptable and of course I have all kinds of promises that it won't happen again and that it was a one time thing, but COME ON.....

like I said I am slightly upset and confused about the whole thing......

not2fun

I only say unfortunately, because this is a big sticking point for many. It is very difficult, initially, to fully enforce boundaries.


Anyone who truly is invested in something, does all they can to care for it. This goes for you investing in protecting yourself and your mariage, and your WH doing the same. It sounds like ONE of you is invested fully, and the other is sitting the bench. Can you guess which one? JMHO. Been there, unfortunately.

Boundaries must be firm right now, water-tight, no wiggle room.

No magic bullet, Not2. One size doesn't fit all.
What is the consequence of continued contact? HE HID THIS FROM YOU. You say it's unacceptable. Unacceptable HOW? Is it really unacceptable if there is nothing to counter it?

Let's just take the STEPS approach first.

Step one after your boundary is crossed is what? Can the business model be changed? Can you move and take the business elsewhere, where there may be new opportunities with new collaboraters? What are you both willing to do to make this marriage work?

Yes, it is going back to square one, but square one isn't square, and it needs to be before moving on.

I sense you don't want to make him leave as a consequence, so how about asking him for renewed transparency in some form to make up for not telling you about the project? As in, from now on you have to see all his email history every day; something like that.

Not - ask him what he is willing to do for a consequence of a tremendous breach of trust just to save a buck...

Usually when you ask a child to choose his consequences for doing something really bad, the child comes up with consequences much worse than the parent would, because the child recognizes he's done wrong.

If your husband wants to just "not ever do it again" for his consequences, he's not sorry.

FYI

SL,

Thank you....ok...lets tackle this...

ughhh.....I honestly just don't know where to start.

This one just really blew me out of the water.

Which part, the contact or hiding it from me, I don't know.

Ok, you asked can the business model be changed. Not necessarily how he gets business (through the mailers), but he can change companies. This was part of the agreement. My boundary.

Moving the business??? yes it can be moved, but THAT is not part of the problem. It has no factor in this what-so-ever. And heck, SL, he'll agree to whatever I say, doesn't mean he will do it though.....

not2fun

Hey Kayla,

Nice to see ya honey, wish the circumstances were better though.

I actually like this idea. It takes the pressure off of me (man I am such a conflict-advoider... ;)). Actually, I want to tackle this head on, but I am just not sure where to go from here. I mean, I don't remember this being discussed much in SAA. I do know that DR. H says in NC has been broken then one must tighten up the lines of communication.

not2fun

What Kayla suggests is good. There MUST be consequences. They SHOULD be painful (not physically). It should NOT be easy to deal with. The offense is such that you are going close to or back to square one every time he does this.

I don't know if your WH is testing you or just being totally careless. Being totally careless is much scarier, IMO.

Mr. Not - since you read - I have some good "in the dog-house-trying-to-get-out" strategies for you.

First - fall on your sword - this was an intentional foul and you know it. You just thought you'd get away with it.

Second - Remember to yourself daily that you are trying to rebuild trust where the most vile breach of trust has occurred - how would you want to be treated by someone wanting to win you back over? Then do it. All of it. Over the top - and expect yourself to sustain that effort for two years, minimum. Then don't go breaching her trust again!!

Third - your on dog-house duty. Flowers, dinner. Sure. But address how you rationalized sneaking this one past the radar. And deal with that - openly, honestly and vulnerably - tell the whole dirty secret that you think Not isn't strong enough to tell you to get lost, that you take her forgiveness for granted, and how you expect her to hold the line on you because you don't think she will... And then tell her how you are going to hold the line on yourself - and who is going to be your kick*ss drill sergeant accountability partner - perhaps your accountant that you don't have a wink-wink-nod-nod agreement with??

Whatever it takes buddy. This is more than a personal foul - it's an intentional technical foul - and you know she could reasonably eject you from the game. So show her why she shouldn't with sincere, meek repentance!