I am a wife with a husband who does not want to have sex anymore. He does not even like to kiss on the lips (passionately). I have tried the whole talking to him thing that was suggested. Three different occasions (morning in the bed right when we got up, in the car while he in a good mood, and right after him refusing to kiss me)I have used the "I" statements to communicate my feelings. I have never come at him as an attack and have even stated that I am just telling him my feelings on the matter. I shared with him that I miss the "making out" we did while we were dating and the spurratic sex our first three years of marriage. I told him those things made me feel close to him, safe, important, beautiful, and sexy. I told him I am not angry at him, just curious as to why it stopped. The first time I asked, he said he does not want to have sex because he is afraid of me getting pregnant. However, I asked if I had birth control pills, condums, and natural birth control (keeping track of my cycle) at the same time would he want to start again. He simply said I don't know and that he did not want me doing all that. We used to kiss all the time and have sex often when we first got married. We have been married for 6 years and have not had "real" sex in a year.
The kissing thing has been the weirdest. I have asked on several different occasions why we stopped kissing on the lips. Every time I try, he curls up his lips and backs up. Every time I ask why, he gets very very defensive, says "I don't know," and quickly changes the subject. Just the pther day I brought it up while he was in a very hapy talkative mood. He got the most defensive ever! He said I ruined the whole day bringing it up; told me to please shut up about it and stop bringing it up; claims he already told me the reason (I know he has not because I would have remembered); and then gave me the silent treatment for a long time. I don't understand!!!!
I am not being nagging nor am I angry when I bring it up. I even tell him that I am not trying to be dramatic or start a fight, I am just curious. I have told him how emotionally important those things are to me and even asked him what things are important to him. He says the famous "I don't know," and leaves it at that. What do I do????? I have tried talking to him in many different ways, but he does not want to talk about it. Help!

Hi RG! I'll throw out some really obvious questions first. I'm a computer guy so the first questions are usually the "make sure the printer is plugged in" type.

- Has something happened to your oral hygeine? Do you floss and brush regularly? Are your teeth okay? Kissing someone whose mouth reeks of decay or bad breath is not a fun experience, and he might be too afraid to tell you.

- Has something happened to *his* oral hygeine? Does he floss and brush regularly and are his teeth okay? He might feel self concious about it.

- Do either of you smoke? I've dated smokers and kissing them can be like licking an ashtray.

- Does he have erectile dysfunction (ED)? Does he ejaculate prematurely? These conditions can make a man reluctant or self concious about sex.

While I am purely basing this on experience from these boards, I would STRONGLY suspect an affair. His behavior seems consistent with someone not wanting to "cheat on" their affair partner.

I would snoop (computer key logger), GPS etc.

If you find nothing, or at the same time...sit him down and let him know that this needs to be resolved as it is not an acceptable way to continue your marriage.

Sadly though, I would bet big money he is having an affair.

Honey I am speaking from experience that he is either having an affair or he is daydreaming about it. He may have even scoped out someone who he would like to have an affair with. Has he recently met an old friend of his, high school acquaintences - because affairs are usually with someone he already knew, and that you may know as well.

My WH only gave me small pecks on the cheek or a very quick kiss on the lips, and if I tried to do more, there was always a defensive excuse.

Check his phone bill...if I had done that when Steve Harley told me to, I possibly could have headed off the physical part of my husbands affair...DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS and good luck to you.

BTW, the fact that he gets so upset over something like that is also a sure sign that he is trying to turn the tables on you. He is afraid you are onto him so his best defense is an offense -that is how it was for me anyway when my WH was lying....

Or he may have decided he doesn't like women any more. I dated someone like that.

I have other questions than the ones posted here:

1. Does he have a hard time at work? is he under a lot of stress?
2. Does he have health problems? maybe he is too shy to admit ones?