I'm just curious if anyone has an opinion on the speed or even the chances of real R in terms of whether your WS confessed voluntarily to their A or whether you inadvertly discovered their A?

This would also apply to A's that are now over and may have occured in the past.

In my case, the A was over but the consequence was me being dx with and STD. That was the first time I knew my FWW had been unfaithful. Does it make a difference?

My FWW claims that if it were not for the STD, she would have taken this secret of her A to her grave rather than cause me so much pain and anguish. I explained to her that confessing would be an act of compassion for me. The A caused the pain, and hiding it not only compounded the pain, but left my health and life in extreme danger.

Will be away alot today as I have the "honey do" list, but I will get back to this when I can.

Just Curious.

Thanks.

All blessings,
Jerry

ETA: I would have rather been told by my W, instead of my family doctor......urghhhhh

Yes, a huge difference IMO. One shows someone trying to turn from their evil ways...the other shows them wishing to still continue and lie/cheat/steal.

Frankly I do not buy your wife's explanation for a minute. If she wanted to spare you pain and anguish, she wouldn't have had an affair. She wanted to save herself...not you.

Shinethrough,

Did your WW have STD symptoms?
Did she seek treatment before you got tested?

How long was the affair? How long ago did you find out?
How did WW respond to you testing positive for a STD?

Is there NC with the OM?
Has the WW been transparent so you can confirm NC?
Has the WW answered your questions about the affair?
How, why did the affair end?
How did she meet the OM, neighbor, work?

I think in your case that the WW had ended the affair prior to you finding out looks good for you. I have seen marriages recover after the WW was caught and when the WW confessed. So do not put to much emphasis on that concern.

The answers to the questions above would give you a better indication of recovery.
You have registered in February. 3 months have gone past. Some BH's hit an anger phase at 6 months. Recovery takes a minimum off 2 years.

Anyone in pain wants to heal quickly. This will not. You have to be patient and let time to it's work.

Road...check his date again. Jerry is a long time poster here.

I either misread the date or fighting off reading glasses. Thought the register date February 08. Plus I usually do not look at the post total.

But his question:

"opinion on the speed or the chances of real R in terms of whether your WS confessed voluntarily or whether you inadvertently discovered their A This would also apply to A's that are now over and may have occurred in the past me being dx with and STD Does it make a difference"

Leads me to state that he still needs to answer those questions to himself. I do not remember his case so do not know how well recovery is going for him.

If things are going well then I do not see a need to dwell for him to dwell on it. Whether the odds are in his favor or against, he is winning now. That's what important.

If things are not going well then he has to find ways for him and his wife to fight this. If he wants recovery odds are not important.

Recovery is not easy. There are no guarantees. Is the pay off worth the effort then one should attempt.

HI TheRoad and Medc,

Finally got back from my "do everthing" list(LOL).

MyRev, and MEDC, thanks for your replies. It's not critically important at this point, more of a curiousity of an old man.

No MYRev, my w never exibited any symptoms of an STD, but we nonetheless knew where it came from, having bee M for 32 years at the time. Suffice to say it didn't from me!!!

My W knew this, and unless and until I was dx with HPV, she had no intension of giving it up to me.

Thanks again for your replies, this could actually help me understand the difference why some WS's confess, vs. being caught.

It's a different thread to day the least, but I think it puts a different slant on what flavor R you enter into.

For the record, we are doing nicely, in spite of the pitfalls that spring up on every personal R.

Seems to me, there is always that "what if" out there, but I'll get by that and trust in God at this point.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry - FWIW I think this is not an "either/or" sort of question. There are many factors in each "option" that come into play, especially as with respect to the "real" question you touched on....Recovery of Marriage.




Not really. The issue isn't "when" or "how" a BS becomes aware that their spouse was unfaithful, it is the FACT that adultery occurred and that "all one used to believe about their spouse" becomes "called into question."

For myself, I didn't know until I found photographs, some rather explicit, that there was an affair. Until then, I would not entertain the possiblity that my wife could have an affair. It's traumatic however one finds out.




A very common thought process for spouses who have ended their affairs undedected. They reconnnect with their spouse and now it's no longer a situation of "I don't care who gets hurt by my affair," and they KNOW that they WILL be the cause of pain and anguish, and from a "self-preservation standpoint," a possible divorce.

As you know, we always recommend (unless there is a real threat of physical violence) that infidelity always be exposed, the betrayal and recovery worked through, and a new marriage built upon honesty and openness, rules of caring, etc., be established. Yes, it's "scary" to a WS who is no longer having an affair




Compassion AND necessity. Consider HIV as just one STD that could be transmitted. NOT telling you is "gambling" with not only your emotions, the marriage, etc., but potentially with your life.

"Not telling" is primarily a "self-protection" thing where concern over "hurting you" (a valid concern) is used as a rationalization for NOT being truthful and/or accepting responsibility for the choices that were made that DO affect you.


God bless.

I've contemplated this too.

My H admitted his LTA out of the blue. He had "ended it" once with my knowledge about a year prior to d-day but had actually continued to see OW. I thought I was almost past the pain of the first ending when he sat down one night and told me everything.

I still question his motives. Did OW threaten to tell me? Was he going to be caught and he wanted to tell first? Or did he really have an epiphany in his life and decide that he wanted to rebuild our M? I will never know.

I do think that it makes it easier knowing that he came to me. I guess I feel like he probably told me EVERYTHING at that point, simply because his goal was to let me know. If I had just caught him, he may have been inclined to only share what he had to in order to explain the circumstances I had discovered.

But I don't know. The first time I caught him, but the recovery wasn't real so I don't know if the recovery would have been harder or easier. In my case, the recovery has been probably more painful this time, but more healing for both of us.

Hi HTM,

Thanks for the reply.

I'm still musing and if it offends or complicates what you're going through, jest let me know.

So if my gut feeling is coreect, about 65% of all a's are discovered and the other 35% were reavealed by the WS. Does this sound about correct?

If those figures were nearly accurate, whom would you say has the best percentage chance of R. The 65% or the 35%? Or does it even matter?

Again, this is my curiosity speaking and could in fact be meaningless.

All blessings,
Jerry

FH my friend thank you for weighing in.

Still I wonder what was the real difference in a WS confesing vs. waiting to be discovered. With no real intension of ever disclosing! does this represent a difference of true repentence vs. living with the result of your sin.

All blessings,
Jerry

Jerry, if one assumes that the threat of real violence doesn't exist, then I'd have to say that the "difference" as you are putting it is related to a person's own personal walk with Christ.

In answer to Peter's question, Jesus told Peter that if a brother sinned against him and came to him and said "I repent," then Peter was obligated by God to forgive the repentant sinner "seventy times seven times" if necessary.

Forgiveness, obviously, isn't possible unless there is confession and repentance, so in answer to your question; " does this represent a difference of true repentence vs. living with the result of your sin," my answer would be "yes" it is a difference and it is comprised of being disobedient to God for "self oriented" reasons. Having said that, the fWS could be truly repentant TO God for their sin, but has not "completed" the process as God intended it to be for "restoration" after a sin.

Perhaps a bad analogy, but think of it like a person who stole some money from you and you are not aware of the theft. They repent to God for their sin, but they make no "move" to right their relationship with you.

God bless.

Jerry
FWIW, if my H had confessed the A prior to me figuring it out, I think initially it would have helped the BEGINNING of R. A very small amount of trust would have been gained right then. But, instead he lied to my face when I asked. So after I could not shake what I so wanted to not believe, I had to hire a PI (costing a few $) to get the proof to confront him.

There was more anguish and anger because of this added 2 months of snooping, and lies. And having to play like I was normal for that time period about put me under.

Yes, if he would have confessed it would have been better. Next "better" would have been if he had confessed after I asked him. Having to get irrefutable proof caused further pain, anguish, anger, resentment, etc.

In any case, I think confessing does help the initial steps of R. It does show an attempt at redemption and change even before the BS would even know to require it.

Jerry, I do believe it is a great step towards a successful recovery when a wayward confesses an A. Quite often, they have gone through the pain of withdrawal already (which speaking for myself was the reason we separated). I wasn't able to sleep in our bed whilst my husband pined for another woman. It sickened me.

There are also the waywards who, upon discovery, immediately exit the A. In these cases, I believe they have quite often wanted to get out but feel trapped and don't know how to disentangle themselves. When finally confronted by their spouses, the secrets and lies can end and they are probably relieved to stop living a double life. I think these people also stand a pretty good chance of good marital recovery.

And then there are the ones who no matter what - confrontation/ discovery - are still so deeply embroiled in the 'magic' of their affairs, the excitement and drama wins and even beyond discovery can't let go, so it goes on and on .... Mine was one of these. He really fell in love with OW and the A only finished because she dumped him. Nice for me!

I think it depends on the WS' motive for confessing. In my case, my FWW told me sometime afterwards that when she confessed, she was partly hoping that I would end the M, leaving her free to do what she wanted, including seeing the OM.

Thanks to all for your thoughts yesterday.

I finally found the Harley quote I was looking for:


I think when a wayward confesses rather then being caught, it actually is a leg up for recovery, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that on DDay.

Thanks again.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I sure hope these are NOT couples he is coaching. If they are and he is aware of the father being duped...well, I KNOW he has a moral obligation to give the dad the truth.

this is an interesting discussion.

On the surface one would think a confession would set up a successful R further down the road rather than a discovery in the midst of an A.

However, confession after the A has stopped is different than confession while an A is in progress.

In a situation where there is WAW (Walkaway Wife) and the WW is fully checked out and is months or years ahead her BH in her new (albeit double) life - the confession could be or often is more of a proclamation of independence. In this scenario of course it would have been more helpful to have discovered the M problems and the A earlier on.

on the other side of coin - discovery could mean that the WS is hiding their A from the BS because they truly dont want to upset their family's life including the BS. Not sure if I making sense here just to say that there are times in which a confession in the midst of a A from WS is the point where the WS jumps off the fence to the other side.

Just some thoughts on the subject. There are so many variables to infidelity even though there are many commonalities.

I see advantages and disadvantages Jerry.

Affair Disclosed:
-Withdrawal is over
-WS wants to resolve the situation
-Recovery can be smoother
-Less likleyhood of affair resuming if it is already died a natural death

Affair Discovered
-More traumatic for BS
-BS may have to take actions (Plan A/B) to end the affair
-Affair more likely to resume because it didn't end naturally
-BS has to endure withdrawal from WS (from OP)

I discovered my wife's affair and it took a few weeks to kill it off. But recovery is possible. In fact, most cases of successful recoveries I can think of off the top of my head involve discovery rather than disclosure.

If my wife's affair had continued, she and OM would have completed their plans to shack up with each other and would have had their own place before she told me of the affair - this would have been much more difficult to resolve.

It's a crap shoot Jerry either way.

BK and RW et all,
Thanks for weighing in. I guess in all honesty I should say that I am targeting in on 6 year anniversay of DDay, and I'm trying to look back at all the things I did wrong and why????

I couldn't help but think that had my FWW been honest, she would have immediately quit her job and confessed to me why. Sure, I would have been just as devastated, but at least I would not have to spend years lingering with "what else is she not telling me." Only to find out a couple of months ago, there was indeed much more to the story, which I suspected all along.

It retarded our R, in spite of literally years of efforts. It was as Dr Shirlee Glass(RIP) described, that glass wall you keep running into.

I didn't plan a, b, d, or xwz. I just struggled, and I read at times how one will come here and their WS, when confronted, confesses all. I didn't get that, I got a Dr's dx of and STD after 32 years of M. What hurts the most, is she knew why I was going to my Dr., and still refused to give it up on the hopes I was wrong.

Thanks for all the replies. At six years, I'm just determined to wrap things up and have closure. "Let the past be the past at last!!!!"

All Blessings,
Jerry

Waiting for the other shoe to drop sucks at 6 months, 6 years, 60 years Jerry.

(((Jerry)))