In the UK, it is different, so my attorney says. Need to wait till it's back from the court

Today he rang me and said, he wished he had been more persistent in telling me he needed attention. I then said that i don't understand why he keeps on talking about 'what ifs' when he is talking about our marriage n he said he is feeling everything is messed in his head. Do you think he is still unsure and then why is he doing this?

Browneyes - Since you are still in Plan A, when he calls, it is a perfect opportunity to Plan A him. You can let him know that you wish he had told you he needed more attention. You can tell him you are sorry you didn't think about giving him more attention, etc.

Please stop trying to figure out why he does whatever he does. It is an exercise in futility. Better to spend your time cleaning the bathroom.

Oh, I didn't realize you were in the UK. I have no clue how the legal system operates there. Can your attorney call the court and ask them to expedite?

PrincessMeggy - She has practically no accent at all!!!!!!!!

Oh B i did say that to him that i wish i had paid more attention to him, and showed him how much i valued him.
He just listened.

There is a saying in AA that goes like this, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it.

Plan A is leading him to water, showing WH what your life can be like if and when he decides to get his head out of his tuckas and come home. Keep showing him the beautiful cool, thirst quenching water and leave the result to G-d. That's ALL you can do. You are learning to be a different person and that will take time. Plan A him every opportunity like you are and STOP having expectations.

Remember, they are fog induced, wayward babble monsters. We don't know what's going inside of them. We just keep doing the Plans, TRUST G-d and learn to love ourselves. G-d wants that you know.... You are in the middle of a war, lady. And doing amazing.

What are 5 qualities that you like about yourself?

5 qualities that i like about myself? That is tough - i can come up with one........i care, i care about other people and i like being able to care.

I had my counselling session today. She kept on telling me that i was living a fantasy hoping H may still want me. That i am not accepting that he cheated on me - twice!
I just feel awful

You're not supposed to FEEL AWFUL after a counseling session.

I wouldn't consider that counselor to be HELPFUL. Would you?

I've been encouraging you to work on staying out of that FEELING state and DO.

Try the inlaws again.

(((BROWN)))

Mimi - the inlaws are still on holiday, i just asked H outright if they were avoiding me n he said they were on holiday with his sis who has come to visit.

The counsellor does worry me, she says i am in denial. I was getting out of that feeling n now i feel confused. But I am trying to fight that feeling - i want to be a better person.

Look at the EVIDENCE. Didn't he recently call you? That's REAL..not a FANTASY!! He's the one trying to live out a FANTASY.

FIGHT those NEGATIVE FEELINGS!!

Remember, I KNOW that it's DIFFICULT..but still continue to FIGHT!!

I think it would be helpful to PRACTICE with that counselor.

Ask her about her previous experience in helping couples with INFIDELITY. It takes special KNOWLEDGE and UNDERSTANDING!!

mimi

I have to disagree with you about the counselor bit.

The best counselors are the ones willing to slap you with reality and talk to you about what you're really facing and not those that blow sunshine up your butt.

I say it because mine kicks my butt regularly and I appreciate her for it because I sometimes don't listen otherwise.

A good whooping can help open your eyes.

The 2x4s on MB are the ones that help shake a BS out of their own fog. She's in her own fog right now, one many of us can relate to having lived it ourselves.

Don't feel you have a bad counselor because she kicks your butt.

I disagree with the counselor's POV about the affair...

I think it's GREAT for a counselor to kick someone's butt..

It seems her counselor is not being HELPFUL..making her FEEL BAD about wanting her marriage????

She isn't a marriage counsellor. She keeps on asking me when am I going to stop contact? Also, he wants the divorce so I shouldn't stop it.
She believes I am living in a fantasy world, and that he doesn't love me at all.
I am so confused.

Were you ever able to get a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR by Dr. Harley?

Your counselor's approach is in direct contradiction to his approach which we support on this forum.

He has had a longstanding history of success in helping folks to survive infidelity.

I had an individual therapist, whom I loved and was great, through this. His focus was on helping ME and I told him that I needed for him to try to understand and to be supportive of the MBer's Plan. He respected my wishes while at the same time helped me with my PERSONAL STRUGGLES.

It seems to me that your counselor could help you with ways to cope with your sadness, focusing on what YOU can do day to day in your life rather than focusing on getting you to GIVE HIM UP.

I told my therapist that I stilled LOVED my husband and that it made me MORE DEPRESSED for him to encourage me to GIVE UP ON HIM. I told him that I was not ready and willing to do that. The therapist began to LISTEN to MY VIEWPOINT and that actually HELPED me to become STRONGER as a person.

See what I mean?

I experienced the same thing to a point.

Counselors in good conscience are there for US to heal when a trauma has occured in our life. Now, there is no denying that they have their preconceived notions on how to do that, especially when we live in a world that is such throw away, especially M.

Brown, you and I have NO SELF-ESTEEM, and are willing to in one sense lay down our lives to have our WH come home. That is NOT healthy and NOT what G-d wants.

In the beginning, suicide was the best option I had, and her job was to help keep me alive. Possibly your counselor is seeing the same traits and is providing the same type of care by giving us the courage to move on without our H's.

What I found was over time, I was able to stay convicted to my beliefs, and work within the realm that my ultimately goal was to have my M restored, but that I had a huge amount of internal work to do and that we could work on that.

Mimi, would that be reasonable?

Hi Mimi
I get that, I had tried that in the beginning - I guess it is worth another shot.
Otherwise will have to try another counsellor. She makes me think that I have lost my mind.

Getting the book - amazon were out of stock, expecting delivery by Thursday.

EXACTLY!! Help redirect the therapist's focus, you and the therapist WORKING TOGETHER.

Also, with low self-esteem, which I USED TO HAVE BIG-TIME, you buy ANYTHING that a THERAPIST says WITHOUT QUESTION.

That i definitely have, god I have changed so much in the last 4 months
I think i am getting Plan A, concentrate on me first, getting myself in a better position, being independent. And then addressing WH's ENs without compromising me?