P.S....

I think I found a lawyer today. Thank goodness...

And I set up a counseling appointment for Friday...

It is REALLY time for me to work on me and somehow heal...

You get an intermediary to handle issues like that.

Before beginning the Plan B you give it a lot of thought, choose someone to be intermediary, and write an excellent Plan B letter. Let ppl here help you with the letter, it's important.


What do you have to lose? The other option is to head straight to D. You have that right. But if you want to, you can try a little longer, maybe try Plan B; you can always file for D later if you choose.

How do you write the Plan B letter? Where do you start? What do you say?

There is a good example in SAA. Other than that, try putting Plan B example in your thread title. Several people have done good ones.

Basically it should be like a love letter. It should say that you married, thinking it was forever, and love your spouse. And to protect your love you desire no contact while there is another person in the marriage. And that, when there is no contact with the affair partner, you would love to discuss reconciliation.

You can list the intermediary, or provisions for child visitation and support.

In your case, you could add something like you love him, and are sorry for the mistakes you've made, and to protect yourself from anymore, no contact with him is a must.

What is SAA? Where is it?

Okay, got you so far. But...how do I do this with him coming here to do field work and chores every day. Do I hide in the house with the door locked? If he comes in do I hide in another room?

And people, I REALLY am afraid that at this point if I shut the door on him, he will pull out on me...

SAA=Surviving an Affair, a book by Dr Harley. It can be ordered from this site and can be found in bookstores.

TOH
To do plan B your heart and your mind have to be in sync. Yours is definitely not.

You need to discuss this first with your lawyer. You need to get an idea of where you stand financially. If he has been supporting you, then he will have to continue supporting you. He cannot just abandon you. I am a stay at home home. I haven't worked in 14 years. My lawyer told me that my FWH would have to pay alimony, child support, and I would get 1/2 of what we owned AT LEAST. I realize your laws may be different, so I implore you to find out where you stand now.

How are you doing?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Things are really tough here...

I am doing okay but it is so hard to hold my head up and to keep my hope alive...

I went to C today and it was an okay visit. I really don't know if she is going to be of any help to me but I am going to give her one heck of a shot.

I have been talking to H daily. Today after he left from morning chores and visiting, I called him,I know bad, but I had to know. I felt the last couple of days his anger or whatever it is towards me return. So I asked...

Are you angry at me again? What did I do now?

He says NO not angry, don' t hate me, just wants to get along. I told him I don't think it is possible. I love him too much and each time he visits and then leaves he has no idea what it does to me. And as long as OW is in his life there will never be a chance for us to be friends. She hurt me, him, and my kids and I will never get over that. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Things he probably never heard and things I shouldn't have said. Any way I did and it didn't help me at all. The rest of the day was a downer.

I have GOT to figure out a way to let this man go!!! HOW????

Plan B

Went and seen L Friday. He seems to be pretty confident that we will get the charges reduced. He says we are going all the way with this. If need to we will go to trial and drag OW and H with us. They will have to go on the stand and tell their part in all this...as far as her suing me L said he doesn't think there is a L out there that would award her for getting her arsed wooped for comminting adultry with my H.

Otherwise I have been trying to keep busy. My mind continues to race trying to figure out where I go from here. My feelings for my H do not change...I don't get that...but it is what it is. But I am getting so tired. So tired of hurting, so tired of this mess I am in.

I have spent the week mushroom hunting, planting flowers, filling bird feeders, gardening, house work, spending time with my girls. It's all ME, and good therapy. It doesn't stop me from thinking of him and me, but it keeps me my chin up and helps.

I had talked to H every single day since the incedent. For the first time in over a year we are actually "communicating" to each other. But nothing really changes. I call him, he doesn't call me. Our last conversation was about how bad it hurts me for him to come visit like nothing then still leave. How I am so pi*sed off and jealous that he still has family and I have no one. He said he just wants to get along. He said that is why he's been stopping in to visit (3 mornings last week for over an hour after work, with BIL) I said that's because BIL is with you, he said no, BIL has nothing to do with it, he just wants to get along. That he wants to get along so that I can still be a part of the "family" (his). I told him that it is not possible for me. That it hurts to bad when he leaves. That at the end of the day or night I want him to come home with ME. He said nothing. I told him that as long as OW is a part of his life there will NEVER be a chance for us to be friends, she has hurt me too much and I will always hate her for that. Thursday I stopped. I did not call. Nothing from him. Yesterday he came out to do field work. Of course he need my help so he was just like his old self. If someone had seen us together they would think all was very good.

He asked where could get some seed corn. I gave him a name. He called him. Asked me to go along. I did. Got home and setting up to go plant. I helped him. Had to follow him with 4 wheeler, pick him up and bring him back. He rode behind me with his leg touching the back of my thigh. It's a wonder I didn't wreck. And I wondered if he noticed...Later, I had a B-day party to go to so I left and never heard from him the rest of the night.

Talked to N14 later, she said H was there at S and BIL's. As well were a bunch of family and friends. I did not want to go home. I so bad wanted to go in there. But I didn't. I went home and cried myself to sleep. I cried for the loss of my H, for my family, for my friends, for my loneliness. I have not only lost my H and best friend. I have been kicked out of the life I have known for 25 years. I no longer am a part of any of it. I feel so empty and alone.

I am really struggling right now as to how to detach from him. I know that I have to...but field work is here. I WANT to help. Something I did little of over the last few years. I carry in my mind that "if" I helped, spent time with him, that something good could come out of it, am I wrong? But from reading here, I read everyday that in order for him to realize what he has lost, that I have to show him. And in our sitch it is almost impossible for us to NOT see each other and be in contact. Anybody have any suggestions?

(((((TOH))))))

I've been trying to tell you that this is not going to change until YOU change it. You have been doing the same thing for a year now and NOTHING has changed. You will continue to suffer as long as you follow the same path.

Right now your WH is eating cake, mounds and mounds of it. He likes it, and he has an abundance of it. WHY would he stop?

He has a BW who still helps him, talks to him nicely, and is facing jail because of his betrayal, but is still "OK" with all of this. He has an OW to fill all the other needs...what else could a guy ask for? He's got the best of both worlds.

He will not feel bad because to him everything is hunky dory. He is NOT FEELING ANY CONSEQUENCE to his poor behavior. IN HIS MIND, THERE IS NO REASON TO CHANGE ANYTHING. He'd like to keep it like this for as long as he can. Who wouldn't?

Do you see the insanity?

Stop doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Hon, you will not withdraw from him until you stop contact with him. You will continue to hurt on a daily basis when you see, talk, touch him. And eventually you will have a breakdown.


You have to protect YOU. I hope you find a way before the anguish becomes unbearable. There's really nothing else I can say...except I'm worried for you.

things have changed a little for me...

I have decided to stand for my M but yet not - not stand. I have so much going on inside me right now that there is no energy to make any decisions at this point. I have so much to work out for me I can't make time for anthing else. I need to breath, to heal, to figure out what I want and where I am going. I need to concentrate on my legal mess.

H and I have actually gotten along better then we have since this all started. I am just being me, kind of my old self with a few improvements. I am no longer afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. I really have nothing to lose anymore, it's gone, so why pretend and worry and be afraid. I am who I am, I am proud of who I am, so I am being ME. We are seeming to be able to actually communicate after so long.

I still hurt to my core after all that has happened. Not just for me but for my children and even for my H. But it happened, and it is what it is. I can't change it. And wallowing in the pain is doing none of us any good. I am trying to make the most of every day. Hold my head up and marching forward one baby step at a time.

I really don't think that plan "B" is in my best interest right now. We are getting along, why change that. I have no control over what he is doing, what he says, or does. But I do have control over me. And I choose to let go of the anger and the hurt and do what works for now. Tomarrow it may be different but for today, I have to do this...

and the story continues...

As I had said, all has been going pretty well. H came out Sat am to do chores. He asked me if I was going to graduation (his cousins, daughter). I told him I didn't know. Pleasant visit he left. I decided to go didn't think he was going to the way he talked. Before I left he showed up on the bike. Said it was too windy to drive that far. Ended up saying if I wanted to drive he'd ride along. So we went together. I made the remark that it'll give them all something to talk about, it's like his mood changed instantly. He was quiet the whole way there, there, and slept on the way back. Got here and he left right away.

Later that night I was really bored, went to the cemetary to put flowers on my F grave. Came back to town. Went by BIL's and seen other BIL and SIL there all sitting around fire. So I stopped. Hung out there rest of evening. Had a really good time. End of night was cut abruptly with cops involved. (long story and had nothing to do with us or our get together, but they ended it)anyways I left and then went back to see if H wanted a ride. He had been drinking and I knew that if he got in his truck to leave they would have him for OWI. (normally H would refuse to go with me or anyone, he would drive no matter what). I asked he said yes thank you and came with me. I took him home. Sat in car a little bit talking, he asked me in, I hestitated but went. We sat and talked awhile he asked me to stay. I said I'd sleep on the couch. He said no, don't have to come sleep with me. I said if it's something you'll regret tomorrow, no. He said of course not, it's okay. No big deal, I said it is a big deal. As I climbed under the covers, I said this is wrong, I should go home.
Next day I stayed till noon. Talked to him later that night, he said he'd maybe be out later. He came. Nephews, daughter, etc had a fire in back yard. We sat with them for awhile. Storm came in he went home.
Sun he came out in AM. Went to check cows, I rode with him on 4wheeler. Got stuck in mud, I had to get off and sunk about a foot. Had to fish for my shoe. We laughed. Sat and looked at cows/calves. Talked. Came back home. He went to leave and I lost my composure AGAIN!!!. I started to tell him how this is hurting me. That the other night should not have happened. He listen a little while, with nothing to say. Then just started the bike and said gotta go.
I called him, we talked. But nothing of course has changed. He asked me in to BIL's for supper. Got there and he wasn't. He had been out riding the bike and drinking. He finally showed up. But didn't say a word to me. I ate, and left.
10pm I couldn't sleep, too much going on in my head. I called him. We talked and argued for over 2 hours. He dumped on me all that I did wrong to chase him away. He said (as many do here) I just reminded him of why he left. He said many mean and hurtful things. He said my yelling and screaming chased him away. I was always yelling at the kids, that he couldn't get a word in edgewise. That if he did step up to father them, I'd shut him down. That it's a miracle they don't hate me. That our lives have always been about ME. Anything that made ME happy. That he's been unhappy for a long time. That I was blind and now it's too late. He's fine on his own. He didn't say he hates me but he didn't have to, I heard it. He talked about losing his friends and family over this. He talked about people thinking he's crazy (why wouldn't they). He said this week he's packing his stuff and is out of here, and that he has company to go with. I said of course OW. He said no, a couple of guys.
Yesterday am I left him a VM telling him how sorry I am and that I don't want him to leave the girls. He didn't call back. I called him later he answered. I told him how sorry I was for all that I did to ruin our M. That he's been trying to tell me and I guess I finally heard him. He said he's sorry to. I told him that I know that he has been trying to get along and I will leave him alone. That I accept it's over.
He called in evening. Caught me crying. Asked what was wrong. We talked for awhile. I finally said it doesn't matter anymore, so I don't want to talk about it.

So...I've made a mess of things again. But as I told him, it really doesn't matter anymore. It's too late. It's over. I told him I just need to help him figure out a way to get along for the girl's sake. That they've been through enough. So I am really hurting. IT's hard facing reality. It hurts me to my core. But I have to. I have to deal with it and move on.

Thanks for listening...

TOH

I hesitated to post cause I feel you're just spinning your wheels. You will only do what you feel comfortable doing...and it keeps going round and round. This post is a reiteration of your first post. Nothing has changed except you are in legal trouble now.

Read your first post again.

Your WH is willing to make nice as long as you are making nice. The MOMENT you start talking about the "bad" stuff he takes a hike. Why? Because your truth talking makes him feel a few of the consequences that come along with it. He starts to feel bad and he doesn"t like it. Nope...no truth talking for him...he won't take it. He can't man up to it. So see ya.

Oh yeah...but first he has to JUSTIFY his behavior and blame YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!!Then...he can go away feeling that he has every right to leave.

Do you see the pattern?


YOU, on the other hand, try to keep things light. You try to separate from the madness enough to be able to function... just enough. You stop talking of your pain and act friendly to him and he responds slowly to it, making sure the "bad" truth talk isn't going to happen again. Ok, then you're friends again. It feels nice and you say it's nicer than it has been for awhile. But...

YOU ARE DYING INSIDE.

And a little of your pain and anger resurface, you can't help it, it is seeping from every pore in your body...so you let him experience some of it. At first it's just a little "this hurts me so much" and when that does not phase him and make him change his ways, you continue to truth talk until you hit the threashold and he's starts feeling bad again.


Time for him to go away again.


And you sink deeper and deeper into despair.


So what is your plan?

(I'm not giving up on you TOH ((((TOH)))) )

Your words...

Your pain...

are not going to change his actions.

His actions will only change when HE feels the discomfort.

You have no control over his actions...

only yours.

Hasten the arrival of his discomfort...

and protect you...

by creating a plan and sticking to it.

Do it today...

talk to your L about about your finances.


Get your ducks in a row.

Have a direction to go no matter what the court decides.

I am just so stuck...

I really get what you are saying but, I have such a hard time believing that "playing nice" and spending "good" times together will lead to D in the end.

My counceler said to me the other day that she sees him coming towards me when I am strong, and "nice", but then I try to deal with him on a emotional level and he runs because he cannot deal with that in any way right now, and by doing that I am sabbotaging myself.

Last night we were both at SIL and BIL's. We talked a little but not much. I sat most of the night listening to him. I discovered alot of things last night as I watched him with the rest of the people. He is really working within. I heard him questioning his life. I heard him thinking of leaving town. I heard him questioning being alone. I heard him wanting to be alone. I heard him justifying his decisions. I seen him trying to make peace with his daughter. I seen him still hanging on to me but at the same time, trying to shake free of me.

I do know that I have to let him go to figure all this out on his own. At the same time, I don't know if I can. I know that if I let him go there is a very good possibilty that he will never return to me. Last night he talked about going on bike runs (motorcycle). I could see him doing this, eventually he could meet a new OW and find a new life away from here (he talked about there being nothing in this town). I see this as a very good posibilty.
But I also know that if I don't let him go, I very well could lose him in the end anyway. The sh*t that we are caught up in right now, and me trying to hold him is driving him as well to D.

Everyone says to follow your heart...I cannot lie...my heart tells me to hold on for dear life.

can I ask a question?...

what difference does it make if your H still lives with you and you spend all that time with him during MLC, than if he doesn't live with you. When they move out everyone says to stop all contact. What is the difference?...

Usually, and I'm talking 99.9999% of the time, when the WS says that they need time to think things over,or they need time for themselves, they are just making an excuse to carry on with the A. By going along with it, you enable the A, particularly when you know it's going on. By living apart from you, his A can go on without any obstacles.

TOH,

Being nice and pleasant doesn't lead to D. A's do. Being nice is part of plan A, it's not a bad thing to do. An indefinite plan A is though.

What will determine your R IF your WH comes back will be your ability to heal and your love for him. If you don't protect YOUR love, you won't care to R. I know that right now all you want is for him to come back to your M. But R requires soooooo much of YOU. The longer the cake eating goes on, the more resentment you will have. You may not feel it right now, but you will.

Well, you know what they say about "following your heart":

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jer 17:9

He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered. Proverbs 28:26

Following your heart is a good plan when you are an emotional teenage girl, but won't help you much when you are trying to save your marriage. TOH, your emotions are misleading you and you can see yourself that your marriage is going nowhere fast.

That is because you are training your H to be a cake eater. You are ENABLING his abusive behavior so he has no reason to change. He does not value you at all because you come at NO COST TO HIM.

And your value will go down further and further as time goes on because he is eroding your mental and physical health. Women have nervous breakdowns from living like this. You have already had a breakdown of sanity when you assaulted the OW. And this will get worse.

If you want to save your marriage and your sanity, you are going to have to STOP listening to your very misleading emotions and take a more strategic approach. Your emotions are leading you very wrong.

Here is a good post made by Dr Harley about the necessity of Plan B: