I was/am desperate for help. I could not seem to communicate with my husband regarding how his fantasies and porn-watching were affecting me and our relationship. We just cannot seem to get on the same page when it comes to sex even though we thoroughly enjoy each other in every other area of our lives. He seems to get the message, but then he continues with his behavior. Finally, I found this discussion forum and a partner's recovery workshop that have helped me to begin to understand what is happening. I printed out a Q&A from Dr. Harley's column that expressed a similar situation to ours for my H to read. It was a "light bulb" experience for me when I read it. It was the very first time I ever considered that my husband had an addiction. I think it gave him some insight as well, but nothing really changed.

Over the last few days I have shared with my husband some of the things I have been doing to help myself cope. Last night we had a really good talk. He told me he would like to work on our life together. He wants to work on his behavior and on our marriage as well. He really needs help, and so do I. I guess I am very unsure of myself and what I should and should not do or say. I know that his recovery is his choice and his responsibility. He wants to work on this together. I told him that I believe we can find a couples workshop, but that we would probably each need to work through some issues on our own.

Does anyone have any good suggestions for us as individuals and as a couple?

The only thing that worked for my husband was seeing a sex addiction therapist. Please know that not all therapists believe porn is addicting. If you can't see a sex addiction therapist, then a therapist that deals with addictions is a better alternative.

You could try SA for him and COSA for you, if a 12-Step problem is right for the both of you. There's also RCA (Recovering couples Anon.)

I've personally chosen to go a sa therapist as well. I have a codependant relationship with my husband and my parents. This isn't something I personally can heal on my own.

At some point, you will need to figure out what your boundaries are. Mine are few. A full blown relapse (daily use of porn over a long period of time)=separation and divorce. Slips are OK. I won't DTD unless I feel safe with him. We've stopped at some very incovenient times for him, but I wasn't comfortable.

I've found that it took my husband being sober for 9 months (continuously) before our communication improved. Now we've gone from no communication to at times, very bad communication.

He's 16 months sober with porn and 14 months mbing sober and things are better. We have much work to do, because of both of our issues.

Expect the recovery to take 3-5 years. This is a long process.
Good Luck

I am very new to the recovery process, but I really want to express my gratitude to you, momoftwo, for your responses. I can't tell you how much it has helped me just being able to communicate with someone about these issues. It's a very scary place to be. I have a lot of evaluating to do and decisions to make.

I want to work things out with my H, and he has expressed his desire to work on overcoming his addiction/compulsion. We just need direction. I plan to take this one step at a time, and try not to think about how much we have to overcome. Otherwise, I am afraid I will be overwhelmed.

Thanks again for your advice, and your warnings. I hope you and your husband are able to continue to progress and rebuild your relationship.