Hello, All!

I've been lurking for the past few days and I've now decided to come out from the shadows to solicit some advice. I first became aware of the MB discussion forum six years ago, after reading HNHN, and several other of Dr. Harley's articles. My husband and I were going through a very rocky patch in our marriage at that time, but we went to MC and now things are much better. I am deeply in love (as is he) and we committed to our relationship.

About five years ago, I started working full-time, after being a stay at home mother. It's been my first experience as an adult, working with men and women, and I love my job. I share my workspace with a male coworker, and we have been paired together for many work assignments, as we are seen as a highly successful "team." He is a good friend, and because we work so closely together, coworkers constantly refer to us as "work spouses." I'm really uncomfortable with that term. My sister and two of my s-i-l's have had to deal with their husband's affairs with coworkers. All started as close working relationships that became EA's and eventually, PA's.

Now that I am in a professional work environment, I have seen firsthand how people lose their footing on the "slippery slope." While I'm not especially worried that it will happen to me, I still think it's prudent to set up boundaries, which I have done. So, our door is always open when we are alone, and I do not discuss my marriage, nor do we see eachother outside of work or a work-related event. We generally just talk about work issues and sometimes our families, but not our relationship with our spouses, because I think that discussing our spouses would be disloyal.

Am I being smart, or completely paranoid about this? What are the warning signs that a coworker relationship has crossed the line? We have to spend alot of time together, and I wasn't concerned until a peer last week referred to me as a "work wife." This suggests a level of emotional intimacy that I'm not looking for, and I'm wondering what else I can do to change that perception. I know I may be overreacting, but I think it's better to be safe than sorry, isn't it? I'd love to get responses from anyone in the forum that can relate to this issue.

Thank you! ;)Carlee

PS-Since my sister's marriage crisis, I read Dr. Newman's book, as well as Helen Fisher's books and articles about EA's, and I've used their suggestions to set boundaries.

You are NOT overreacting, you are being SMART. The people who end up in affairs are usually the ones who DON'T think they would do it and, because of this deluded frame of mind, don't take proper precautions.

I would tell my coworkers to NOT call me a "work wife." That is very offensive.

I work with almost all males and I follow the same guidelines you do. I have stopped having lunch with male coworkers too. If I take a male client to lunch, I invite his staff/assistant/whatever or bring along another peer.

Adultery is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a person, so it only makes sense to take extraordinary precautions. You are smart!

"Excuse me. Mr. XXX is a co-worker. The only person for whom I am a wife is my husband, XXXXX. That is just the way it is and the way it will continue to be."

Carlee, you are a very smart person. Sex and sexism have no place in the workplace except to reduce productivity and increase problems. Keep on keeping on is my advice.

Larry

I would make darn sure that your work partner does not participate in these types of discussions as well.
If the work environment will support this, perhaps it is time to introduce another person into your projects. It seems as though you two might be spending too much time one on one. JMHO.

Hi, Melody!

Thank you so much for your feedback. You are absolutely right about lunch. In the past, it was sometimes more convenient to have lunch together and continue working, but I now make sure I leave and eat with coworkers in the cafeteria (and he usually brings his lunch.) I loved your response, since you work with mostly men and have had to draw such boundaries. I'm can't tell you how glad I am that I posted about this. It's really been bothering me. I'm now getting validation for what I've been feeling and wonderful advice. Support in the MB forum is the best! Thanks, again.

Hi, Larry!

You hit the nail on the head. I was feeling uncomfortable with the term "work spouse" and "work wife" because it IS sexist! Initially, I didn't make that connection, and felt I might be being overly sensitive. As I think of it now, though, I'm sure my male coworker hears it far less (as it refers to him being a "work husband.") That irriates me even more! Thank you very much for your response and advice. From now on, I will definitely correct any person that uses that term, and feel no guilt about it. I am now empowered! :-)

Hello, Make Every Day Count!

Thank you for your response. To my knowledge, my work partner does not encourage people using that term. However, I'm going to be much more vocal about how I feel about it, and he's always been respectful of my feelings in the past, so I know he'll support me on this. The truth is, he's never done anything that has crossed the line, and he really values our work partnership. That's the part that almost makes me feel guilty about my hyper-vigiliance. However, your feedback made me realize that we do work very closely together, and that's probably why we are drawing comments from our coworkers. I need to start rethinking this whole sitiuation and maybe put some distance betweeen us, or somehow bring another person into the "mix." I truly appreciate your candor. Thanks! :-)

Carlee, Just based on your limited number of posts, I wanted to tell you that I think your husband is a very, very lucky man. It is refreshing to see a person of such character.

..and with the smarts to see the potential for disaster long before it happens!

Aside from the boundaries issue I think trying to work with more people will be good for your career. In my experience it can be professionally stifling if you rely too much on a relationship with one co-worker. Time for you to shine as an individual!

Make Every Day Count,

You just made MY day! Thanks so much for your kind words. ;-)

Hi, Better or Worse!

You make an excellent point. I realize, now, that our pairing is good for our supervisors (since we are seen as a great "team")and not necessarily best for my professional growth. I'm now trying to figure out a way to initiate something independently, or, perhaps, partner with another female coworker. That will definitely broaden my horizons. I have to admit, I feel a bit guilty about it, since my male coworker/partner has never been inappropriate. I'm not sure he'll understand what's going on. But, I do think it will ultimately be best for both of us, right? Thank you so much for your helpful advice. :-)

One other issue. People are always trying to project their own mental issues on someone else. For example, the well used 'Protest too much,' deal.

So if you are too vehement rejecting the 'work wife' label or too vociferous demanding a new partner, people might decide to think you are getting attached to your existing male work partner.

A light but firm touch is required.

Larry

Larry,

You are GOOD! That was the other issue I feared. I'm the only one that knows I'm being super-cautious because of what's happened to my sister and S-I-L's, and there's no need to go overboard in terms of objections or safeguards.

So, I think I will begin to s-l-o-w-l-y extricate myself, and create more buffers. I realize that if I did a sudden about-face, everyone, including my work partner, would be wondering what the heck was going on, and why I did it.

Thank you for your wise insight. I'm will try this new approach, ("firm, but light touch") at work in the morning. ;-)