My husband and I have been talking about the difference between recovery and rehabilitation. He says that I am doing a great job in my efforts on the EN's and doing nice things, but I am lacking in the rehab part. I am looking for ideas and welcome any BS or FWS that can expand on that and give me some advice on what worked to help you on getting through that to the recovery. The healing has to be implemented to start the recovery process. Sometimes I just feel lost. I know that I want to get there, but am not always sure the right way. I want to help Try heal, but I also want to do it in the right way not just any way.

Hi.

I know this is ILMH's thread, and I don't plan to post here in general, but thought I'd elaborate a bit about this concept.

We here at MB refer to addressing the unique needs that arise in the aftermath of adultery, and the building of a strong loving marriage as "recovey". ILMH and I have decided to further break this down to help facilitate our own recovery.

The general idea is that meeting each others EN's, not LB'ing, POJA, RH etc, the things that build a good marriage and support romantic love, are in a sense things we should do anyway. That is, if there were never an infidelity to recover from, we should be doing these anyway to have the best marriage possible.

When you throw in adultery, another need arises. SH refers to this as "cleaning the wounds". This, he says, must be done and done well before the relationship can start to be rebuilt.

These together (explained intentionally simplisticly) are "recovery"

As I mentioned, we have decided to define or breakdown, our recovery as two seperate yet intrinsically linked facets. The rehabilitation, and the relationship building.

This simplification of the recovery process we feel will help us to indentify things we are doing and where specifically the effort is targeted with a simple question. For example, if ILMH cooks a special dinner and greets me at the door in ligerie, that would most likely be "relationship". When she posts here to get a specific "A" related question answered, it would be "rehab".

She has been doing a rather good job with taking care to meet my EN's which I recognize and try to reciprocate. Where as the BS, or "patient", as SH refers to it, I have felt a bit is lacking is in the rehab area. I'm at a loss somewhat as I don't really KNOW what I need her to do to elicit that "feeling", but know she's trying. She doesn't KNOW what to do either, but knows she's trying.

So I guess to facilitate the most effort being directed at the most critical stage for us right now, the rehab, we have done this mental exercise where we can ask is activity X something we would do anyway if there were no A to recover from? If the answer is yes, it's relationship and though important may not be specifically targeting the highest need. If the answer is no, it's directed at healing from the A, then it's "rehab".

Does this make any sense to anyone else? I always can say in 10,000 words what should only take 10 I think...

At any rate, I believe what ILMH is primarily looking for on this thread (please chime in honey...) are those things that former WW's have done that really helped the rehabilitation stage of recovery. The most bang for the buck, if you will...

I'll bow out now having probably convaluted things, and let your responses flow.

I thank you all in advance for taking the time to stop by and offer your help.

TTH

Thanks hon, you always explain things so much better than me. That is exactly what I am looking for with this thread. What are some great ways to nurse my husband from ICU to just critical then to stable and so on...

Hmmmmm...Sometimes I feel like you guys are missing the one thing that will really help...PATIENCE...

Build those lovebanks...It's harder to feel resentment when those suckers are brimming over...

Try, there will NEVER be a time when you will look back on the affair and say, "Wow, that was a great experience"...NEITHER will ILMH...But time WILL fade the harshness for both of you...You will not always dwell on it, even if it seems so now...

To me, looking in from the outside it sure looks like you guys are doing the rehab stuff...Counseling with Steve...Posting here...Reading the MB books I presume?

Relax a bit if you can...Give this the gift of TIME...It's a marathon, not a sprint...

Mrs. W

Thanks, MrsW.

We're not looking for a silver bullet, just some practical tried-n-true suggestions...

I'mm gonna stay off and let my darling ILMH take it from here.

Peace out!

You are not looking lost to me.
Your timetable seems to be pretty typical.

Try to have as much relaxation time together as possible.
Try to keep the "rehabilitation and recovery" discussions productive.
Both of you will have feelings all over the place. That's OK. That is normal. That does NOT indicate you are doing something "the wrong way".

Pep

What the "lost" is about is that Try says he needs me to do more toward the rehab, so I am trying to find out what I can do to help him. Sometimes I feel like I've missed something big or really obvious. We are in counseling with SH, we are taking time out to talk about the affair. We have read a few of the books, I am posting and reading other posts trying to gain empathy and get a better idea what he is going through. I know there is always more I can do... the more is what I am looking for.

Dr Harley so far as I know doesn't talk about "rehab"

He talks about just compensation - no contact AND building a successful marriage.

Both of you need to get that building a successful marriage meets ALL the criteria of recovery.

I'm a BS also 2 years into recovery. I posted to you some time back ILMH about how your H likely felt about the 'weakness' thing. It doesn't matter what SH says or your agreement but how TRY feels about it. If he feels it's a 'cop-out' then never mention it again. Keep it to yourself. That's giving the TLC the patient needs.

Then just do what you were told above. Keep meeting the EN's and building trust over time. He may just need more time.

If TRY is reading I would suggest letting go. Let go a little bit every day. You will never fully know why it happened.


Forgiving really is letting go. Someone who forgives does not need to understand to truly forgive.

Forgiveness is the best medicine for your wounds. Forgiveness heals both parties.

I understand that my husbands feelings come before anything, We agree that the MB principles are fundamentally what we both want to live by (and we did for a long time without even having heard about the Harleys.)

It doesn't necessarily mean that whatever SH says is gospel, every situation and person is different, but we decided together to pay for the counseling so if we are going to invest in it I think we should take a leap of faith and work the program.

If SH wants us to get that I failed to protect against my weakness than that's what I will do. I believe there is a reason for this which he has explained to me. One of the reasons being is to let Try off the hook. It was my actions not his... It is no way an excuse.

I don't believe that Try thinks it's a cop-out, he is just trying to understand where not protecting against your weaknesses ends and the "fog" begins and what happens in-between. The in-between part is what he keeps coming back to.

ILMH - Rather than respond on TTH's thread, I will respond over here and try to help.

Can I ask where you are at in the counseling with SH. I mean basically what is he having you do right now and what has he said will be the next steps.

Like some others alluded to, this takes a little time and patience helps. Normally, SH has a plan for the first session, then the second, the third, etc. It sometimes seems like you guys are trying to jump ahead.

You guys are trying to work together on this. Rather than ask what people suggest you can do to make TTH see you are serious about recovery, you should ask him. He needs to tell you that.

Early on, BH's can't really answer that question. Everything is too jumbled and frankly some things they want (like for it to have never happened) just aren't possible. But TTH will get there eventually. And I can tell you, that the "eventually" is not open ended. SH is experienced enough to tell whether the "wound" is not healing and why.

Finally, you may want to try and stick to your thread rather than jumping on TTH's. If you aren't getting any responses, just bump it up with a new question or re ask an old one. Once these drop down the list, people tend to not notice them.

Thanks for the response.
As far as where we are with SH we are at the cleaning the wound part. TTH is the patient and I am the nurse. Sometimes I feel too that we are jumping ahead and I want to do things right. I don't want the wound to heal over and than we have to re-open it.
We talked with SH this morning and I think I am feeling a lot better about where we are in recovery. I am not sure exactly how TTH is feeling about the discussion. (He had to leave for work before we had a chance to discuss it.) I think he probably feels better. At least I hope so.
SH suggested that maybe TTH was having a hard time because he isn't really in control of this part of the recovery, that it was up to me to clean and dress the wound and I think sometimes things don't seem to be happening fast enough or maybe often enough for TTH.
It has a been a tough process to go through. It is painful and I will never be able to take anything back and that makes me very sad, but I do feel that progress is being made. I feel that despite the fact that we don't always feel it minute by minute we are definitely understanding more each day and I feel myself growing closer to TTH. I can't speak for him about the growing closer part, but I know he sees the progress because he has commented on it.

The posts have been very helpful and all the advice has been taken and digested. I have talked with TTH about posting on his thread and he doesn't mind. I don't plan on doing as a regular thing, but sometimes I just want to comment when things really make sense or somebody's thread really hits home. My goal is to recover and I want TTH to know that I am trying to help him and that I am here for him.