my wife was sent to iraq a few monthes ago. now before she left it seemed like everything was fine we love each other. but now she says that she does not want to be with me. and i cant grasp why and she says that it has nothing to do with me or her its just that is how she feels. ive been asking around far some advise and someone gave me this site to try. so i am, i dont have a lot of time before she comes home and i need so adivse on what to do and how can i make her remeber how much she loved me before (ex. she use to get this beautiful smile when ever she hear someone call her Mrs. Anderson). so if you think that you might have some advise that might help me please reply soon.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

Since everything was fine when she left, I would assume she is having at least an emotional affair. There have been lots of those around here with spouses deployed in Iraq.

The long hours away from a spouse and long hours working with others is very hard on a marriage.

How long have you been married? Any children?

weve been seeing eachother for three years and we jut reached the two years of marriage mark this may, but she says that she deicide before that. no chlidren although she wanted one right before she left but then she deployed.

as for there beening another person i cant know for sure but last time we talked she says that its not that but that she needs to think about herself and her job, and not have to worry about anyone else.

If a spouse is cheating, they will usually never admit it. That would be my guess.

You can start reading about Plan A, and stay in that. It is all about showing her what a great husband you can be, without any disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

See what happens when she comes back.

By the way, how was the marriage before?

i thought that it was fine. sure there were bad spots here and there but nothing to serious. i was happy and she seemed happy. thats why this is such a shock to me that she thinks this way now. ill look into the Plan A that you meantioned. thanks. anyother things that i should look into?? or do??

Sling

We were married 18 yrs, of course we had our trouble but I thought we were happy too, it happens to all of us. My wife ad an A while she was gone so that was the catalyst for us. If you read the things on MB you'll see that she'll resort to "fogspeak" to help her justify the things she did. I'm not saying that I didn't have some responsibility in my part of the marriage. I was very bad at meeting her emotional lneeds which fostered an environment that made it "easier" for her to make the wrong decision. I thought my wife was strong enough to fight those feelings but distance, time and an unhealthy marriage are all ingredients that can help an A flourish. I don't take the blame for her A, not at all, she chose to do it. She could've chose to talk to me and work things in a healthier way but she was like me in the fact that we had fallen into the rut of "living" with what we had. Her time away gave her time to build a "case" against me and the outside influence of another man pushed her over the edge.

We're here now in this situation. I'm hoping that this will be the chance to rebuild our marriage, better than before. She isn't ready to help me yet but I'm holding out hope for her and trying to help her heal. I belive she will see the positive we have. Right now she is still feeling the sting of her actions and punishment from the military. Hopefully she can move past this and see the same things I see, that we can move on and that the past doesn't dictate what we do for the future.

Be strong, don't fight with her at all. Make that decision in your mind right now. Fighting, arguing, disrespecting will get you nowhere. She needs to know in no uncertain terms that your marriage is your number one priority. Nothing will hurt you worse than to drive her further away. I don't have to tell you that she may have had an affair while she was there. There was a noticeable change in my wifes emails and phone conversation when her A started over there. I knew something had changed but refused to believe it was an A, I was wrong. I thought she was strong enough but anyone can fall victim to evil. Check your memories, se if there was a change while she was gone, go with your gut. Make sure you want to save your marriage and keep that in mind when you make your plan. Read about Plan A and stick to it if thats what you want. I've been doing it for 3 months now, it's hard, hardest thing you'll ever do.

Again, don't fight her. Calmness is what you need. She needs to think that you're the sane one. She needs to know that if she leaves, she will choose to leave a good and happy man, you have to make her believe that, even with the pain you feel inside. But you need to be well for yourself too, I'm still working on that myself. It's killing me not to have my wife loving me, it hurts, but I'll endure the pain if it means I save our marriage.

Fight your instincts of pride. Read about the Giver and the Taker. Your Taker should be locked up, don't let him out at all right now. You're sole purpose right now will be to set the right stage for her to "want" to come back.

I wish you luck, I'll check up on you

As for the day she gets back, I assume you'll be picking her up?

When you see her, smile and hug her if she lets you. Do not look unhappy at all, be happy to see her, she'll want that whether she knows it or not. Whisper in her ear that your glad she's home and safe. Don't get into any relationship talk at all. Just let her know you're happy she's home. Make it so your house is spotless, smells good and is inviting to her. If there is anything you can set up that used to be special for the both of you, do it. Don't go overboard, she'll already be skeptical of things because of what she told you.

Let her be the one to start any relationship talk. Again, do not disrespect, yell or do anything to get her to think bad of you. You're already on her low list, she's looking for reasons to justify feeling the way she does. The only way you'll bring her back is for her to remember why she loved you in the first place.

remember "women don't leave happy men" i saw that quote somewhere and it's something I have to listen to myself

today sucked badly. i picked her up today and from the start it went down hill for me. first i did get a hug but that was it no hi or anything. then when she got home she igroned the flowers and the clean house and even me. i tried to do small talk so as not to bring up the topic i wanted to bring up but she never really responed at all. she made like 10 phone calls, first one being to make an oppiontment with the denist to get braces (a nice little "up yours" for me beacuse when we first started dating that topic came up and i told her not to do it for both our sakes (plus she dont need them even denists say she does not need them) and she finally agreed not to get them ever, until now i guess ) then she calls to make an oppiontment for depth testing because she wants to crosstrian i guess, when i asked her what she was thinking of crossing to she didnot answer. guess she decided on a major for school also but again she didnot answer when asked. and when i got a semi-responce it was snippy. by now i was getting anxious, i could not help it i started to wander from room to room not being able to stay in one room to long because i kep thinking about all the good times for each room and each piece of furniture even. which made the situation for me even worse because i know that if we do split then all those good memories will be sad sore memories. i started to feel sick again. i started drinking a LOT of water (ithink i drank about 2.5L of water in a hour 30 mins) which mad me feel sicker. so final i went to go see my consouler (which ive been seeing since i learn) and she was able to calm me a bit, but still i was going a mile a minute afterwards. also she says that it sound like im morning the relationship like it was already dead even though its not. then when we (my wife went to her denist appointment to fill out papers to start her braces) my wife went to the bedroom shut the door and i guess precided to fall asleep where she remained until i made her get up to eat dinner that i had cooked for her. i gave it to her in the bed and suggested that she shouldcome eat in the dinning room, but she didnot so i ended up eating alone which sucked even more and made me lose my appatite and made me feel sick again. oh and she went back to bed right after eating not saying anything to me at all. and that was my day so far. i did not bringup the TOPIC but i really just want to get it done so i know whats what (which i know is bad to be thinking like but i dont know how much longer i can take this. (i really wish i had your stamima for this stuff dino but it looks like right now i dont) im trying so hard to seem happy but i know that she knows that im stress like hell. im trying my best to od eveything like i useto, like when i brought her dinner in bed although normally i would have stayed in there too but one i wanted her to have some space and two it looked like she did not want me in there. so in the endim going to sleep on the chouch again tonight (ive been slepping on the chouch since she left but i guess another night wont kill me).
oh and i had a question i know she is thinking of going out with some people from her shop (the single ones) and getting drunk should i go with her or do i let her go by herself??
and do you have any clue why she would go to bed in like 75+ temp weather and slepp with the blanket and the comforter on her but then put the fan on also?? that kindof confused me.
and of course what advise do you have for me tomarrow??

Hey sling! Sorry to hear that you are feeling so stressed out. I know it's hard, but you've got to try and master your stress. If you let it run you like this, it's going to be hard for your wife to be attracted back to you. Just think about if your positions were switched ... you wouldn't be attracted to her if she was acting needy and smothering you, right?

Why are you so against your wife getting braces? How old are you two? It sounds like you are both pretty young (early to mid-20's?). To me, your making her agree not to get braces seems a little controlling. You have to respect her as an equal and let her make her own decisions. Just like you would want her to respect your right to make your own choices.

As for her sleeping, I wouldn't worry about it. You are really going to drive yourself nuts if you try to make everything be a clue about how she is feeling. She is probably jet lagged or just tired from traveling. As for blankets and a fan ... that's not that weird. My husband likes to sleep w/ the window open and have heavy blankets (he likes the feeling of the weight of the blankets). Everyone has their own weird things that make them comfortable when they sleep. Go sleep in your own bed. Unless she specifically asks you not to. And keep yourself busy. Give her space to get used to being home.

Sling
Sleep in your bed, if she chooses to not be in it, let her make that decision.

I can only tell you one day at a time. Dont't give me credit I don't deserve Sling. I'm no where near ok right now, I'm struggling just like you, but i stand to lose 20 yrs of realtionship. But you have to decide in yourslef if you want it, and know also that she is going to make her own decisions that will have no control over. It will hurt like heck, but it's all about what you're willing to endure.

Do not let her walk on you. Did she sleep with a fan and blanket before? Is she trying to be secretive? Keep an eye out for evidence of an A. You guys are young so she may juts be wanting some free time, but it could be that she met someone shie gone, harsh but true.

No matter what, don't blow up, it won't do you anygood whether you guys end together or not

be strong

to snuggle
yes we are both 20 (good guess). now as for the braces department ive never liked them for one, two my wife loves to eat and drink every thing that if you have braces you cant. so i like i said i was try to thnk for both of us but yes ill addmit that it was more for me then her. but there is a flip side to this coin also. in this marriage she has asked me to give up a few things that i liked to do also. like two exapmles my hair can never grow longer then 3in and i have to shave asoon as she wants me to (id love to grow it back but i dont for her). second i gave up like half of my old cholthing because she did not like them at all. them were the two biggest things shes asked of me. i know they sound dumb and thats why i did give them up, even though i really didnot want too and i did not complain still aint. i dont care about them as much as i do her. the braces was the only thing really big thing that i ve ever asked of her to give up. but also right now i just want to see if i can keep this marriage live so i really dont care to much about them right now.
to dino
i think you do deserve some creidt beacuse see im this way and its only a two year marriage i honistly dont think i could have handle it at all if it had even been any longer. you are giving me strength when i need it most. so i thank you because you are really helping me. now as for the sleeping with the blankets and a fan no i dont recall her ever doing that before. as for being secritive she not doing anything i dont think except that she didnot want me to touch any of her stuff. this happened when i offered the start folding and puting away her cholths while she showered but she got really mad and said not to touch any of it. it really shocked me.
to both
first off thank you for giving me help its very good to get others advise. but so far today (its not even noon yeT) things arenot any better she cleaning and reorganizing the house and when i see that there is something i can do like vacume the rug shes going to get the vacume for she getts tht snippy voice and says shell do it. so now shes doing a lot of stuff and i cant find a thing to do at all because she doing something in each room. its kind of annoying.
oh and i made her breakfast in bed like i normaly would when i get up before her (plus im the cook of the house most the time) and heres the responce i got for it:
"why are you doing this?"
...............
my responce was generated out of stupididy but i did say "because thats what i usally do"

i mean what kind of a question is that? it was weird to hear. well ill propbley write agian later to get other ideas about what to do.

sorry need to vent some more. so today has been ok i guess except for the fact that my wife is still not talking to me at all even when i try to start a conversation i got nothing reallyit sucks. i mean shes talking to ever one but me like my friend came over and she talked to him just fine just like she use to be. and then she tried to call her brother but got her sister inlaw instead and normally she doesnot really talk to her at all but she told her everything that i had asked her before and then even some stories from her deployment that i had never even heard her even remotely meantion. andafter she was done i asked her how the sister inlaw was doing and she didnot even answer that. its getting really annoying . gosh ill go insane before se probibly even talks to me. i dont know what else to do right now i want her to atleast have a normal conversation with me i could handel waiting for the TOPIC if we had some type of small talk going. what if she doesnot bring up the TOPIC at all?! i figured that she would have just done it already because shes a staight to the point kind of person but yet im still waiting dancing on nails with my teeth clenched tight. any advise for what to do?!

Hey sling! Wow you two are really young. If you were my son, I don't think I would have let you get married so young!

I hope you don't take this the wrong way. The thing is you and your wife are both just kids in a lot of ways. And you are both going to change a lot over the next 5-10 years. It doesn't mean that you can't make marriage work, just that it is going to take a lot of communication on both your parts. You can't force your wife to work on staying together. In fact, the more you try to force things, the further you will drive her away.

How is your relationship with your in-laws? Are you close to any friends or family that might have a better idea of what is going on with her?

well really bad update for me we talked about the TOPIC and it went horrible!! she is really really addiment about getting this devorce and it sucks she wont really even think about how we should try to fix it, she wants to go to the first shirt and do early return of dependent already (for those who dont know that means i get forced to go back to the states now if ands or buts about it). shes been looking at the devorce laws. $%#% i feel like ive been hit ran over like ten times and throw down a cliff into a vat of acid. she says that she did start to have feels for someone else but that it is not realated to the situation, that she wants to be by herself think of herself and only her. she dont want to go to any conosuilers do anything but end it. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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how can i fight this devorce if there is no way she wants to listen at all.

Sling

Talking to her isn't going to do you any good. You won't be able to say or do anything to change her mind right now, maybe ever. My wife says the same things to me. She isn't talking divorce but says that the other guy has nothing to do with how she feels. Everyone here knows that has everything to do with it. All you can do is leave her alone. Everything you do from here on out will have an affect on how she handles this situation. If she does pursue the divorce, there is nothing you can do. But she hasn't done it yet so that means you are still here to fight. You're still young, I wish I had the chance that early to see how things should be and made the healthy changes needed.

As hard as it's going to be, you have to let her breathe. How long was she gone? Remember, even if things were going good, coming home from deployment is hard. While she was gone she only had to think abot herself. Now she's home and she as to think about you, and her feelings, and whatever else she had going on over there. She tells you nothing happened with anyone else but thats the same thing my wife told me for 3 months after she got home, then the other guys wife found out and blew it out into the open. Luckily he lives in another country or I would've gotten myself into trouble.

I'm not telling you that she cheated, but all evidence points in that direction. My wife and I were married 18 yrs and I never thought she'd be weak enough to fall into an A, but she did, anyone can. It's especially easy for younger people.

You can't control what she does. I haven't even mastered that thought yet but it's something you and I both have to do. Right now, if my wife was divorcing me it would probably easier than what I'm going through. I don't know whats going on. My wife doesn't show me anything but she's not walking, yet.

So, take care of yourself. Give her some room, watch her, if you find out the was an A, tell everyone. She'll be pissed but she's already pissed. If she leaves you because you exposed her, she was going to leave anyway, tell yourself that. Be the nice guy, don't smother her, let her decide when she wants to include you in talk or whatever. Like I said, right now she views you as the bad guy, the guy who is causing all her misery. You know this isn't true, but you have to make her believe it too. It will take some time. Read up on Plan A on this site so you have an idea how to make your plan. Most important, you can't make her do anything. You can't make her love you, you can't make her stay, you can't make her change her mind. Only she can do that.

Read, read, read. Come here to vent. No matter how bad you want to, don't yell, disrespect or lose your temper. Give it a couple of weeks and see what happens.

good luck and be strong

well i think that it is beyond repair now. she keeps getting pissy with me she she tried to set a date in which i have to be out of here (even though she cant as i learned today) she said that i piss her off and i hadnot even done anything to her, i made dinner and teold her when i had myappiontments. that was it and she start just telling me off. no dam reason that she had to attack me like that. shes trying to get me out before the end of this month. which is impossible even if i was already packed the people to come and get it would not be here beofre the end of the month. and i think i found out that the OTHER live here in germany. because she spent like 2 hours on the phone speaking in spainish to someone i did not know. and then she al of a sudden showered and left the house. not even saying a word to me. its 8:00pm over here most places are closed. the only place i would have thought she would go would be the gym but she showered first and she never showers before going to the gym. so i really cant hold out much hope of her coming back to me. the only time she has been decent to me since coming home was when she got drunk i got to go though. ill keep this updated until i am 100% $!@#ed.

Sling

Don't start panicking, nothing is done until it's done. You need to focus your energy on finding out if she's having an affair. Until you figure that out, you're just spinning wheels. If she's not having an A and she leaves you, she gone anyway. If you find out she is having an A, things may be recoverable if you follow the advice on MB. Obviously you can never MAKE her do anything, so if she is just too young to want to be married, there is nothing you can do. If an affair is clouding her judgement, you may be able to expose it, end it and then MAYBE she will begin to think clearly again and choose to stay married to you. From what you've said, it is probably having an affair, sucks but like I told you, if my wife could have one, anyone could.

You're still young man, you have plenty of time. No kids to worry about, no strings. Don't get me wrong, i want you to save your marriage, I believe in it. Young doesn't mean you're not just as committed as anyone else. My wife got married to me when she was 20 and I was 23, so we were young too. We were lucky to have 18 yrs together so far, (I hear from her only about 12 of them were good, her opinion right now). So don't give up. You have to find out what the root problem is, then you can make a plan. Right now you just have to survive without making it worse. It may be good to get some investigative services to help you out, if you can find nothing on your own.

Don't panick, see how things pan out. Get out and party a little, it will help big time.

good luck